tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-108997282024-03-12T16:57:17.134-07:00Discovering MeMe on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.comBlogger484125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-34549398924084973812011-09-15T10:17:00.000-07:002011-09-15T10:33:31.871-07:00#7 for #2Hi Audrey-girl...<div><br /></div><div>Seven. Seven years. Seven years we have loved you and wish we had known you. Seven years we have wished you were with us and wished we knew your smile, your voice, your heart. Seven years we have missed you and didn't understand why you're gone. I know we aren't supposed to ask, but we do.</div><div><br /></div><div>We had a big family portrait done in May. All of us, even the dogs. Such a big hole there. Daddy got so upset when we went to see them at the studio. Your absence is just so hard to handle when we are faced with big family things like that. It's not our family, not our whole family, because you are not there. </div><div><br /></div><div>I can't believe where we have been and the things we have done and seen since you were born. Seven years seems like so much and so little all at once. I don't really know how to reconcile that. I don't know how or why time is that way; maybe that's best. </div><div><br /></div><div>You would be seven this year. We would be celebrating first grade and sleepovers and bike riding and all the things you could do at seven that you couldn't do before. So many things we missed. So many memories lost. I hate that your birthday has become the day of ultimate sadness. I don't know what to do about that. I wish it could be a day of celebration. Instead, we get through most days for the rest of the year and instead of celebrating your birthday, we mourn your loss. We miss you and we wish you were here and the old wounds are open all over again. Your day isn't happy and fun like it should be, it's hard and sad and I hate that it is. I hate to be sad for any of my girls. I wish I knew how to change it. I'm sorry. I just don't.</div><div><br /></div><div>I look at your sisters and I wonder how you'd fit into their group. I see Grace starting to become more of the babysitter than one of the kids playing. I wonder if you were here, would you guys have your own secret thing that you would take off and do while the Littles did theirs. I don't know. But, I wish I did.</div><div><br /></div><div>Baby, it's another year gone. Another year that I wish I knew what you grew up to look like. Last I saw you, you looked so much like Julie. So much like Grace. Would that have continued? Would you be tall like Grace, or would you be teeny like Nat? So many questions I wish I could answer.</div><div><br /></div><div>I miss you. I love you. Always.</div><div><br /></div><div>Mommy</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-49462987611895717522010-09-15T19:15:00.000-07:002010-09-15T19:17:10.745-07:00Number Six for Number Two<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">September 16, 2010</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Dear Audrey,</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">Happy sixth birthday, Baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Let’s face it though, today should not be your birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Today should be just another day closer to the birthday you should have had around mine in October.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I remember I was so excited to get to throw Halloween birthday parties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">Fall has always been my favorite time of the year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Funny though, it’s always the time of year that has brought the most struggles in my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But you, you are a bright light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Even with you gone, I still feel like you are here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Somehow you still fit in that hole between yours sisters, Grace and Natalie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s your place. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">This would have been a big year for you, for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You would have started kindergarten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You would have ridden the bus with the big kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You would be having your first grade school Halloween parade and party, so many firsts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">So many times that I stop and think what things might be like if you were here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>How would our family be different?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I wonder if we would have your baby sisters at all. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Would we have stopped with you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That was the plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>We were going to have you and Grace and that would be all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I’m so thankful for all of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I can’t imagine my life without the babies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>In almost the same sense, it’s hard for me to imagine what life would be like with you here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s a difficult dichotomy for me, a very hard situation to reconcile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Maybe that’s life’s way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Well, it’s my life’s way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s what I was given.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s what we were given. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">It sounds odd, even to me, but I could swear I have heard to calling me lately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I’ve decided it must be you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s a voice calling “Mommy”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s not Grace, though many times when I’ve heard it I’ve asked her what she needs only to be told she didn’t say anything. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s a voice too big to be Natalie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And, it’s certainly not Julie!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It must be you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>To me, it’s you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I hope you keep calling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I hope it’s your voice I hear.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in">Your big sister, Grace, she misses you so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I think she feels your absence as much (or more) than Daddy and I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She and Natalie are so far apart in age that they just sometimes don’t have enough in common to play well together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The two of you would have had so much fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>When she is her most frustrated with the little ones, she tells me that she would have someone to play with if you were here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I know she’s right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That was our plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You two were going to be close in age and be able to share so many things growing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I suppose too, that she would have someone to share the load with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She’s such a big helper, but if you were here, she would have someone to help her to help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>So many ways we all feel the hole where you should be. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I wonder if this year might not be harder than last, at least for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Last year was so full of excitement, anxiety and expectation because Julie was coming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But this year, this year, our family is really complete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Complete in the sense that there won’t be any more babies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>No new little people coming to meet us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>This year we are here and we are not all together because you are not here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You are not here and that hole will always be where it is, right between Grace and Natalie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Your place. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I’m still surprised at how many people remember you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>How many people send me a note this time of year who say that they are thinking of me and us and remembering you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Some of them I hardly know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>There are a few people who I wish would remember you, who would just say something, but honestly, they are the same people who barely acknowledge your sisters, so I guess it should be no surprise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The people who remember, though, they are special.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They are the ones who would have loved you, who do love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They think of you and they think of our family and they send us their love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>So kiddo, here I sit, writing you a letter again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year we’ve missed you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year we love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year we wonder what things would be like and who you would be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year when I can’t believe you’re gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year I wish you were here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Another year that proves life goes on whether you want it to or not. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I love you, Baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I miss you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Your daddy misses you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Your sisters miss you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>We all love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>To the moon and back.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Love,</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Mommy</p> <!--EndFragment-->MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-12136989770754533252010-02-01T10:40:00.000-08:002010-02-01T10:43:23.206-08:00As you wish.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEittPkuUvearRazZZ4gNYqpNXTvv47XTZWws0drMNbBrwQ-k5Cx039gKwmqc2a5bE6ufXst6ZtdftBPNnHJzUhQZaSRpgOWaReQjeXlmpdOCy7FhJYFQInodWJB8foV23TT9BjF9w/s1600-h/Julie+043.JPG"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433347403508398130" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEittPkuUvearRazZZ4gNYqpNXTvv47XTZWws0drMNbBrwQ-k5Cx039gKwmqc2a5bE6ufXst6ZtdftBPNnHJzUhQZaSRpgOWaReQjeXlmpdOCy7FhJYFQInodWJB8foV23TT9BjF9w/s320/Julie+043.JPG" /></a><br /><div>For posterity and old time's sake and because I didn't really know you'd want it... Thanks you guys. I couldn't have done any of this without you. Honest.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-17204582493161130722010-01-25T12:00:00.000-08:002010-01-25T12:06:09.500-08:00Ummm, Hi.Julie is here. We are both well. My last c-section was certainly the most dramatic. 4 tries to get my IV in and I still have brusing almost 3 weeks later. The spinal didn't go well either...it took 4 tries to get that in and working too. 4th section and 4 tries for everything...lovely. Baby Factory is closed, I had my tubes tied.<br /><br />So, 6'3" and 18". She didn't fit anyy of the preemie clothes I bought. Nat wore hers for almost 2 months. Cest La Vie. She's a wonderful, sweet and good-natured girl who is content to just hang out and nap. She's a champ at nursing. <br /><br />I posted on Facebook and I think most of you out there already knew that. I don't know how much I'm going to be posting here anymore. Between lack of time and lack of anything interesting to say, it's best. Let me know if you are on Facebook and want to keep in touch.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-32165226549183764622009-12-30T13:42:00.001-08:002009-12-30T13:42:56.096-08:00QuickJanuary 8, 2010. Julie's birthday. It's like 9 days away. I might lose my mind. OMG.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-22352248111282014232009-12-02T11:45:00.001-08:002009-12-02T11:58:24.944-08:00Too much of a good thing<div>Eight days is a really long time to be at Disney World. It's an especially long time if you are finally willing to agree that your family is just too large to share one hotel room, you are 5 weeks from delivering your 4<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">th</span> child, your ankles and legs swell but never have in past pregnancies, you get <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">harangued</span> into wasting a day at a time-share presentation and/or you would really just rather be at home on your sofa or doing any of the one million things you think of that need doing before January 7 while lying in bed at night.<br /><br />(that may be the longest sentence I have ever written)<br /><br />Um, so the kids had a great time, but we won't be going back for at least five years. It may take us that long just to pay the bills we accumulated just for food. Five dollars for a hot dog people. A hot dog that you have to eat standing up because there is nowhere to sit at a hot dog cart. Anyway, it was fun. Honest. I think.<br /><br />I realized something though. Pregnancy at thirty-five is way different than it was at twenty-seven. And not in the good way. It's harder. I hurt more. This kid is hanging so low I think she may have broken or bruised my tailbone. I need to sit, but it hurts to sit. I need to take a nap, but lying down too long makes my hips camp up. Walking too much makes my legs swell. I feel broken. I feel old. And, I feel like I am so very screwed when this baby comes.<br /><br />I am scared to death. How am I going to manage all this? Seriously. My husband works ungodly hours. I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">spend</span> 80% of my time alone with my kids. he rarely makes it home in time to put them to bed, never for dinner and he probably spends 40% of his workdays out of town. I am screwed. And not in the good way.<br /><br />See a pattern here?<br /><br />I am scared people.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Here, have a picture...</div><br /><div></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5410730375114372626" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOOKJn4kD5MyW40f4NRob1P0llLOv_I0EygFmwBC_S-jQcaHr7t590fetEaBzjkBt1Jo7XG5_HfRuicUeMocT1gjja-33vxN7Cti7XOzPuhaTUQSDELY7WUfSA6Wwju-v9T1jtNQ/s320/IMG_1274.JPG" /><br /><div></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-2728943350919316462009-11-10T10:26:00.000-08:002009-11-10T10:38:10.405-08:00Ta-Da!Okay, the name. This is always a huge issue in this house. I maintain that my husband tends to have more opinions than I am comfortable with. The name thing is no exception. Too many opinions. If I play the I-should-name-her-because-I-have-to-carry/deliver-her card, he plays the that's-not-fair card. It's a no-win for me.<br /><br />After much debate, the name is chosen. We didn't let it out too much because initially (according to Jim) we're just trying it on and it may change. So far, it's sticking and since we have already gotten things with her name on them, done deal.<br /><br />So, her name shall be.... Julie Mae.<br /><br />Julie, mostly because we agreed on it and both generally like it. We have the Julie Andrews factor. I know she isn't what you would call one of the old Hollywood Glamour Girls, but she was beautiful and certainly graceful and lovely. The Mae could be partly for Mae West, you know, a little brassy and no-bull-shit never hurt anyone. But, mostly is for my grandmother. My dad's mom was born on the day this little one will be born, January 7. Her name was Ethel Mae. God knows Ethel is awful, she always hated it. Knowing her, she would find a way to come back and get me if I even dared use the Ethel. So, we used the Mae, in her honor. <br /><br /><span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Coincidentally</span>, she is the grandma I have mentioned before who loved children but struggled for many years and had many, many losses (15 total, mostly 2<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">nd</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">tri</span>, some later than that, one shortly after a premature birth) before she had my aunt and then my dad. She was in her 40's (42, I think) when my dad was born. In 1954, that was old, old. <br /><br />So, Julie Mae it is. Short and sweet is my favorite. She is our little Bonus, a surprise we never expected, but now a surprise that is much anticipated and loved.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-40285106436712219962009-10-05T11:40:00.000-07:002009-10-05T11:49:41.723-07:00In other news...Yeah, there's no other news. Nat is two. Bonus Baby still doesn't have a name. We've tried on a few but nothing seems to stick. We've all been sick in rotation for the better part of four weeks. I'm pretty much done dealing with that mess. I need us all to get healthy so we can have a life again that doesn't involve mass quantities of Kleenex and Tylenol.<br /><br />Jim has been working more than usual (I would not have believe that was possible considering his usual hours). I'm trying to be grateful because, you know, he has a job. Lots of people are strugglung right now. That doesn't always work out because, wahhhhh, I'm sick. They are sick. And, wahhhh, I'm tired. And, also, I would like to take a shower without company. Or something. But, again, I'm trying to be grateful.<br /><br />All this being sick and staying home has really helped me get some closets cleaned out. The girls' are much better. My bathroom closet is much better. My closet, eh, not quite there yet. I don't know if I will ever tackle the basement. Maybe I'll procrastinate and do the pantry next. Oh, the choices...<br /><br />We need to transition Nat into a bed. I want her to be comfortable in her room with Grace long before Bonus Baby comes. Time is quickly running out. I want to get their room organized and all set with both of their things in it. That is a chore. I have the space, but it's going to take some major re-organizing. I need to get a closet organizer put in that closet, but ohmygod are they expensive to do. I only got one quote, but I nearly passed out. If Jim were handier, I'd make him do it. Sadly, he's just not that handy. Oh, and he's never home.<br /><br />So, hey, you're all caught up. Wasn't that exciting? Admit it, you were on the edge of your seat the whole time. <br /><br />I knew it.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-69474583089544664222009-09-16T05:09:00.000-07:002009-09-16T05:15:33.213-07:00Happy BirthdayHi Sweetie-<br /><br />It's your fifth birthday! I can't believe it's been that long since I held you. I think of all the things you'd be doing this year and my mind boggles. It hardly seems possible. We're going to put your flowers out tonight. We're going to the place where your friends Madison and Brody are. I wonder if you've met them. I don't know if the Universe works that way or not. I haven't really figured all of that out yet.<br /><br />Your sisters and I are making your cupcakes too! We're making piggies! I'll try to take pictures. I'm not very good about all that. I hope you get to enjoy them vicariously! <br /><br />I bet you already knew that you have a new sister coming. I suppose you may have known before we did. She has been a real surprise. I have to confess that I'm scared about it. I don't know how I'll manage with three girls to take care of. I guess it's like when I was worried about you coming so close to your sister. I wish now that I could have had the chance to figure all that out. Life is funny sometimes.<br /><br />I miss you baby. I wish you were here. I think of you all the time. You're in my heart and always on my mind.<br /><br />Love You,<br />MommyMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-90987139693460560322009-09-04T05:20:00.001-07:002009-09-04T07:01:00.695-07:00The Other SideI mentioned before (I think) that a friend down the street lost a baby girl in January. They have had many miscarriages and they keep hoping for a baby to bring home. She and I discovered our pregnancies at the same time. We have both been <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">cautiously</span> <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">optimistic</span>.<br /><br />Yesterday she was admitted to the local hospital <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-error">dialated</span> to 2-3. She had been bleeding and her amniotic sac was bulging. An ultrasound yesterday revealed this baby to be a boy. Last night they thought they had it under control, but this morning she is bleeding heavily and contracting. Things are very grim.<br /><br />I don't know what to do. As I've thought about being the pregnant one left to face the friend who is likely <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">to lose</span> her baby, I don't know what to do. I wonder what I can do to help. I kept their older daughter last night so that her husband could be at the hospital with her. I have told them to tell me what I can do going forward.<br /><br />I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking for them. I feel like I am a horrible reminder of what is not going right for them. You would think that I could draw on my own experience and know what to do. I do not.<br /><br />When we discovered we were pregnant and doing this together, I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">could only</span> think how horrible it would be for one of us to have it end badly. We did not plan this baby and I have often thought what the hell am I doing and how am I going <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">to manage</span> my life now. And yet, here is my friend, losing a baby that they have so wanted. Already having had the horrible experiences that some of us know all to well, and I am at a total loss.<br /><br />I want to hide. I just don't know what to do. I am scared.<br /><br /><em>Edited to add:</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>She has started bleeding and contracting heavily. Her amniotic sac has broken. An epidural is on its way. It's over. She's 19 weeks, 3 days. Another teeny casket. I hate this.</em>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-67534764778531259002009-08-31T11:06:00.001-07:002009-08-31T11:12:43.104-07:00<div>So, I knew we were having a girl. Imean, after three, can you really expect anything else? I don't think so. Iam totally fine with it. Happy even. Iknow what girls are like, I knowhow those bits work. After seeing my nephew, I was scared todeath about learning what to do with boy-parts. This is good.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Jim is fine too. He makes a great girl-daddy. I think he may even make a better girl-daddy than he would have a boy-daddy. The Universe seemed toknow it too.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>I'm starting to feel more consistent movement. It's great. I love that part. I wish the pukey part would end. Crap, I'm almost 19 weeks. You'd think it would be over. It is...mostly, but I still have moments. </div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Grace started first grade today. It seems surreal and normal all at once. I'm not sure how tht works, but it is what it is. They really do grow too fast.</div><div> </div><div> </div><div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 240px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5376192300592801778" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDFGKnA3BWqVVMmwOCghuZOZImZLVQWSMZ3zGnoJIL-bZeQtPVx-yi3bATwHceLLvhbfx0ER2rqx6xikV0SJlUCzK9KvAFuTa_bXiSQUQZYL3EEJ2eH7phFnIsBwL7Sl20V5Zi-A/s320/PICT0073.JPG" /></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-12881132300488521112009-08-27T11:17:00.001-07:002009-08-27T11:18:05.917-07:00Mystery SolvedDaughter #4 is on her way. Everything looks like it's where it should be and working well. So far so good.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-877889213186484772009-08-11T11:02:00.000-07:002009-08-11T11:10:48.669-07:00Where was I?Oh, right. I suck. That's right.<br /><br />So, I'm 15 weeks and a few days. This is really the part I hate most. I'm sick of feeling sick. I have gained about 10 pounds and I don't get the joy of feeling the baby move and it's too early to know boy or girl so Jim won't even discuss names yet.<br /><br />Level II ultrasound is the 27th. So, I wait until then.<br /><br />In the meantime, I ask myself how the hell am I going to manage this family. There are days now, with only Nat and Grace that I go to bed and feel like the world's worst mother. How many more of them will there be when I'm juggling a newborn?I'm seriously wondering WTF I was thinking way back when when I said "eh, one more would be cool." Could I have been more of an idiot?<br /><br />I know, I know. I hear you alll yelling hatred at me for saying that because, yes, I know. I'm lucky. I'm grateful. We never thought this owuld happen after everythjing it took to get Natalie here. I am. But OMG...WTF am I going to do?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Here. Maybe this will make up for that last bit. Here, have this. <br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 214px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5368769728005101298" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVf0RsZaZ3zpI8Y7BEblBQ2TJITZ6iUJaWkoIRdyZ7qIWxPcwCdhxijsY0OjhUHiLvQK8pHNj7s6rNU07Yb56Fywys86gCxvd3r7nrXZzJVaIYfdQJJFkInccJt8SHrop_cgUxQw/s320/Nat's+Bike.jpg" /><br /><div align="center">Nat on her first bike.</div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-25881568983982504192009-07-16T11:10:00.000-07:002009-07-16T11:15:46.567-07:00Hi, it's me....We're back. It was nice to go visit. We had some good times. However, I do not advise going to a country that is hot, dirty, where the hygiene habits are questionable (at best) and where they eat really stinky things when you are in your first trimester. Let's just say it was difficult. Let's also say that we came home three weeks early. Because I was tired of hiding in the house and puking every night.<br /><br />I am so glad to be home. I love my home. I love American food. I love that most people here bathe and used deodorant. *<span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Ahhhhh</span>, sigh.*<br /><br />So, twelve weeks. Ultrasound Monday gave us a due date of January 29. Delivery date is January 7. Odd, but that is my grandma's birthday. The one I mentioned a ways back who had all the miscarriages and the baby who died at birth. The one I feel such a connection with now. I guess some things, even though they aren't planned, really are meant to be.<br /><br />More later...MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-54249798430866645282009-06-08T01:19:00.001-07:002009-06-08T01:21:11.226-07:00To be continued...I didn't want to leave for 6 weeks without a short update. We're leaving for Malaysia this morning.<br /><br />Last week's u/s showed the very beginning flicker of a heartbeat. We still don't have good dates, but we have progress, so I'll take it. The morning sickness has arrived. I feel like total shit.<br /><br /><br />I'll catch up when I can. Thanks guys.<br /><br />MMBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-12498004883452576122009-05-29T13:26:00.000-07:002009-05-29T13:41:49.356-07:00FateI'm pregnant. For real. Who knew. There's really a baby in there. A baby that didn't require injections and ultrasounds and thousands of dollars to create. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that one. It's still very, very surreal.<br /><br />According to the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">dildocam</span> today, I am 5 weeks 2 days. My due date is January 26, 2010. The day before Gracie's birthday. of course, I will delivery early, somewhere around the first week of January.<br /><br />The best part is that I have given away <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">every</span> single baby item we have had as Nat grew out of it, so I literally have to start over. It's an excuse to go shopping. I suppose I'll get over that. All of my maternity clothes were summer, so I would have had to get all that again anyway. Again, shopping really breaks my heart, so bummer...NOT!<br /><br />I posted in <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">January</span> about a lady down the street who lost her baby daughter Madison. Catherine made a bracelet for her that she wears everyday. She called me the other day and said she had "BIG NEWS"... You can guess what the "BIG NEWS" is. I'm over the moon for her. I'm also even more scared now. For both of us. She and I have the same due date. She said something along the lines of there being a plan somewhere that we would be pregnant together so I could help her through it. I hope the outcome is the best one for both of us. I hope. <br /><br />At any rate, that's all I've got for the moment. More when things sink it a little more. You know, like in January.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-53648649291733454572009-05-27T12:57:00.000-07:002009-05-27T12:59:27.364-07:00Beta #31629 today. Doubling time of 1.6 days. I guess we have an overachiever on his/her way.<br /><br />I know I haven't expressed much beyond surprise at this point. I don't really know what else to feel yet. It still seems very unreal. I don't know what to think. Ultrasound is on Friday. Ask me after that...<br /><br />Thank you for all of your kind comments. They do mean a very lot to me.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-84570846799730918362009-05-23T02:49:00.000-07:002009-05-23T02:52:24.280-07:00Beta #273 on Tuesday, 187 today. Progesterone is normal. All is well. Next beta is Wednesday and an ultrasound on Friday. <br /><br />I am still in shock and disbelief. I do not really understand how this is possible. It all seems very surreal. I go from thinking this can't be true to wondering how we will manage everyone's room and future to thinking it's all some weird mistake.<br /><br />Maybe after the ulrasound I will feel like this may happen.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-90797784044289709972009-05-20T15:02:00.001-07:002009-05-20T15:06:53.012-07:004 weeks...ishOkay, so since I have no idea what the hell my dates are (shut-up Meredith), I'm only guessing based on a range. I'm pretty sure my LMP was after we came home from Jamaica (April 10) and before Tax Day. <br /><br />I saw the doctor yesterday. They had a good laugh at my expense. Especially when I answered the "What birth control were you using?" question with "Why would I need that?". You know, what a stupid idea that would be. <br /><br />We did a beta...it was 73. Right on even for my date range. We repeat the betas until we get to 1500 and then do an ultrasound. Guessing that should be the end of next week. <br /><br />After we get past that hurdle, we do the program the sam as last time.<br /><br />Next beta is Friday. More then.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-1223692030740051182009-05-18T17:58:00.000-07:002009-05-18T18:10:14.055-07:00OMFG...PeopleI'm pregnant.<br /><br />*No mention of this at Facebook. I haven't told anyone yet... You know, except my husband and the whole fracking internet.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-37529481999472342612009-02-16T04:55:00.000-08:002009-02-17T10:36:39.700-08:00Well, uh huh, I know...Yeah, so things have been pretty boring around the old blog of late. No more than pictures and the occasional "We're all just fine" blurb. It's true, things are good. I really have no complaints. Life trucks along in the most normal fashion. I guess that's how things are meant to be.<br /><br /><br />The girls are growing up before my very eyes. Nat is changing a little everyday. She's starting to really thin out and look more like a toddler than a baby. She's still my little peanut, but she's less so than before. She doesn't talk as much as Grace did at this age, but she's so mechanical. She gets into things, she takes things apart, she puts things back, she fiddles with this and that and she is just generally more sneaky and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">mischievous</span> than Grace ever was. Grace was a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">snugly</span>, sweet girl who wanted to hug and kiss and nap on my chest. Nat wants to sleep by herself (and does, that's a huge switch), she's so <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">independent</span> it scares me and she is just so much more forceful. I guess he's rotten like me. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Hehe</span>.<br /><br /><br />Gracie continues to amaze me with everything she's learning in school and in the world. She's reading (which blows me away because it seems like it happened overnight). She's doing awesome in her riding lessons and with swimming. She's about to start cantering and then will come jumping (yikes!). She has some great friendships and we bring to various places to meet up with them. She loves to snuggle and hug and be close. She's into coloring and crafty stuff. It's so neat to watch her figure out her likes and dislikes and discover new things. She loves seafood, which is a really bizarre twist because neither Jim or I like it at all. She loves a good bowl of clam chowder and boiled shrimp.<br /><br /><br />The winter here seems like it has gone on forever. Usually I don't mind the change of seasons and what winter brings. Usually. This year we've seen a lot more of it than we normally do. We've had a few warm days here and there, but I'm so ready for some spring. I noticed that the robins are back the other day and our pussy willows have gotten their little fuzzy bits already. All good signs.<br /><br /><br /><br />My aunt and her girlfriend have been staying with us since they moved here in September and it has been wonderful to have some company while Jim works his crazy hours. We've had the chance to go on dates and see movies, which we've never really been able to do before. It's wonderful to have them, but it looks like they may not be with us much longer. They may have found an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">opportunity</span> that will take them back to the Pacific Northwest. It will be a sad day when they go, but we want what's best for them and their future...even though we'd really rather be selfish and keep them here with us.<br /><br /><br />We have trips planned for spring and summer! We're going to Beaches <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Boscobel</span> (Jamaica Mon!) in April. I'm so excited because we haven't had a vacation like that since we went on our honeymoon. We've done trips here and there, but they've all been trips that involved family things. I am over the moon about it.<br /><br /><br />We're also going to my mom's in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Kuala</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Lampur</span>, Malaysia this summer. The girls and I are leaving when Grace gets out of school the first week of June and then we'll stay through August first. Jim is coming the last two weeks of July. I guess we're going to be "summering" in Asia this year. Ha! We have plans to see lots of places while we are there...including, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Bali and some cool resorts in the jungles in Malaysia. I'm way excited. The plane tickets cost a small fortune, but I intend on making my loving daddy pick up the bills for some nice dinners to make up for it ;). I'm excited to see what their life there is like and see the awesome places. I figure it's a once-in-a-lifetime trip, so we intend on making the best of our time there.<br /><br /><br />Hey, maybe this blog will get interesting then! Wouldn't that be a switch.<br /><br />The lady down the street who lost her baby girl invited us to the wake. We went. It was beyond awful. We did it to show our support for her and her family, but it was so hard for us. We chose not to have a memorial because we just decided that we're not people who can be openly emotional without feeling awkward about it, so we had our private thoughts and still have our yearly rituals. Seeing such a public display of grief was really tough. I had intentions of telling her all kinds of things when I saw her but all I did was sob on her shoulder. I still feel terrible about that. They are coming here for dinner on Saturday, so here's hoping I can do a better job.<br /><br />I have about a thousand projects in my head and no real motivation to do them. Not the least of which is a surprise 50th birthday party for Jim. The problem is that his birthday is August 24th and with school starting that week and us coming back from KL two weeks prior, I don't know how I'll pull that one together. No one has every thrown him a big party and he looooves to have people over. He's the greatest host ever. I have to figure out a way to do it. I'm just not there yet. I need to do save the date cards to people from out of town so they can plan to buy plane tickets now. I guess I need to make some decisions... <br /><br />So, that's the news. You are all up to date. You know, if you cared... ha!MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-54643746818922255032009-02-11T10:30:00.000-08:002009-02-11T10:32:46.063-08:00Six<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZDU6cdkFQ4vZkZQlUNXA3hcITTtCpYEbBCBUx3j11_oRmp3jb-q2ovqdIWXO3Jf33RsAQ7mAv6omifJIsIXx4fmu7oR23SVI45t_V8dMunnYH3jTr43TIQtyejxL7AW4mCcJU6w/s1600-h/100_8374.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301609461981483138" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZDU6cdkFQ4vZkZQlUNXA3hcITTtCpYEbBCBUx3j11_oRmp3jb-q2ovqdIWXO3Jf33RsAQ7mAv6omifJIsIXx4fmu7oR23SVI45t_V8dMunnYH3jTr43TIQtyejxL7AW4mCcJU6w/s320/100_8374.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div>Gracie turned six recently. Who knew six years could fly by so fast when my life without her seems like so very long ago. Love you Big Girl.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-23063394734313757262009-01-28T05:44:00.000-08:002009-01-28T05:46:26.855-08:00AgainMy neighbor, the one who organizes our neighborhood bunco games and whose husband plows our driveway when it snows, has lost her baby. She was around 26 weeks. The baby girl was born and died a short time later. As far as I know, she just went into preterm labor. My heart breaks for her and her family.<br /><br />I hate this hurt.MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-4002033185470387922009-01-25T10:16:00.001-08:002009-01-25T10:18:49.273-08:00Lunch<div align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoY2tPCg6uSuuqYe3yOt3gHySGa2GjeFFLMDZam7c55hpTMipj4vJpoWnlkX5O5ZMaNfTkxShFBb9xJoV0JN2N0kGsstDFJr0I5HbtqKM-IhoE6I-riF6G9p_3fcd0baMtvZzkg/s1600-h/January+2009+003.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5295297108695268162" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWoY2tPCg6uSuuqYe3yOt3gHySGa2GjeFFLMDZam7c55hpTMipj4vJpoWnlkX5O5ZMaNfTkxShFBb9xJoV0JN2N0kGsstDFJr0I5HbtqKM-IhoE6I-riF6G9p_3fcd0baMtvZzkg/s320/January+2009+003.JPG" border="0" /></a> Natalie fell asleep during lunch.</div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center"><br /><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5295297269471154882" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDcZ_xrOgBj6rDA5ozscxBQHYlOTYBcnlGwmqQM0urqUlHr9ZUNmNC95jZ6Jvm5xWqEAviWKrxot5mPeVNtAH1LjupK6v6WlUgqEHOlqe28JyG0sGHULGpSsoG8cergzl03_urNQ/s320/January+2009+004.JPG" border="0" />The question is, do we tell Rifle?<br /><br /></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10899728.post-33978854660035032772009-01-04T13:08:00.001-08:002009-01-04T13:09:27.740-08:00The N@ked Chef<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfp1xumX6MSR6UcIucEeakcYRjcGAuzoJzOvE7aoNWYeSUyczR-l0WPW7rKMWGg_VT-40bx03BsYhSADmfxaHFuaE4LnydT0H2Lt1FNhO7JZjkUByYi-7TIoHImbeR2mrEfplnUQ/s1600-h/misc+Dec+2008+014.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5287548629504343474" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 240px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfp1xumX6MSR6UcIucEeakcYRjcGAuzoJzOvE7aoNWYeSUyczR-l0WPW7rKMWGg_VT-40bx03BsYhSADmfxaHFuaE4LnydT0H2Lt1FNhO7JZjkUByYi-7TIoHImbeR2mrEfplnUQ/s320/misc+Dec+2008+014.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div>MBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10090873170016511220noreply@blogger.com7