Discovering Me

#7 for #2

2011-09-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

Hi Audrey-girl...

Seven. Seven years. Seven years we have loved you and wish we had known you. Seven years we have wished you were with us and wished we knew your smile, your voice, your heart. Seven years we have missed you and didn't understand why you're gone. I know we aren't supposed to ask, but we do.

We had a big family portrait done in May. All of us, even the dogs. Such a big hole there. Daddy got so upset when we went to see them at the studio. Your absence is just so hard to handle when we are faced with big family things like that. It's not our family, not our whole family, because you are not there.

I can't believe where we have been and the things we have done and seen since you were born. Seven years seems like so much and so little all at once. I don't really know how to reconcile that. I don't know how or why time is that way; maybe that's best.

You would be seven this year. We would be celebrating first grade and sleepovers and bike riding and all the things you could do at seven that you couldn't do before. So many things we missed. So many memories lost. I hate that your birthday has become the day of ultimate sadness. I don't know what to do about that. I wish it could be a day of celebration. Instead, we get through most days for the rest of the year and instead of celebrating your birthday, we mourn your loss. We miss you and we wish you were here and the old wounds are open all over again. Your day isn't happy and fun like it should be, it's hard and sad and I hate that it is. I hate to be sad for any of my girls. I wish I knew how to change it. I'm sorry. I just don't.

I look at your sisters and I wonder how you'd fit into their group. I see Grace starting to become more of the babysitter than one of the kids playing. I wonder if you were here, would you guys have your own secret thing that you would take off and do while the Littles did theirs. I don't know. But, I wish I did.

Baby, it's another year gone. Another year that I wish I knew what you grew up to look like. Last I saw you, you looked so much like Julie. So much like Grace. Would that have continued? Would you be tall like Grace, or would you be teeny like Nat? So many questions I wish I could answer.

I miss you. I love you. Always.

Mommy

Number Six for Number Two

2010-09-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

September 16, 2010

Dear Audrey,

Happy sixth birthday, Baby. Let’s face it though, today should not be your birthday. Today should be just another day closer to the birthday you should have had around mine in October. I remember I was so excited to get to throw Halloween birthday parties.

Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. Funny though, it’s always the time of year that has brought the most struggles in my life. But you, you are a bright light. Even with you gone, I still feel like you are here. Somehow you still fit in that hole between yours sisters, Grace and Natalie. It’s your place.

This would have been a big year for you, for us. You would have started kindergarten. You would have ridden the bus with the big kids. You would be having your first grade school Halloween parade and party, so many firsts.

So many times that I stop and think what things might be like if you were here. How would our family be different? I wonder if we would have your baby sisters at all. Would we have stopped with you? That was the plan. We were going to have you and Grace and that would be all. I’m so thankful for all of you. I can’t imagine my life without the babies. In almost the same sense, it’s hard for me to imagine what life would be like with you here. It’s a difficult dichotomy for me, a very hard situation to reconcile. I don’t think I’ll ever figure it out. Maybe that’s life’s way. Well, it’s my life’s way. It’s what I was given. It’s what we were given.

It sounds odd, even to me, but I could swear I have heard to calling me lately. I’ve decided it must be you. It’s a voice calling “Mommy”. It’s not Grace, though many times when I’ve heard it I’ve asked her what she needs only to be told she didn’t say anything. It’s a voice too big to be Natalie. And, it’s certainly not Julie! It must be you. To me, it’s you. I hope you keep calling. I hope it’s your voice I hear.

Your big sister, Grace, she misses you so much. I think she feels your absence as much (or more) than Daddy and I do. She and Natalie are so far apart in age that they just sometimes don’t have enough in common to play well together. The two of you would have had so much fun. When she is her most frustrated with the little ones, she tells me that she would have someone to play with if you were here. I know she’s right. That was our plan. You two were going to be close in age and be able to share so many things growing up. I suppose too, that she would have someone to share the load with. She’s such a big helper, but if you were here, she would have someone to help her to help me. So many ways we all feel the hole where you should be.

I wonder if this year might not be harder than last, at least for me. Last year was so full of excitement, anxiety and expectation because Julie was coming. But this year, this year, our family is really complete. Complete in the sense that there won’t be any more babies. No new little people coming to meet us. This year we are here and we are not all together because you are not here. You are not here and that hole will always be where it is, right between Grace and Natalie. Your place.

I’m still surprised at how many people remember you. How many people send me a note this time of year who say that they are thinking of me and us and remembering you. Some of them I hardly know. There are a few people who I wish would remember you, who would just say something, but honestly, they are the same people who barely acknowledge your sisters, so I guess it should be no surprise. The people who remember, though, they are special. They are the ones who would have loved you, who do love you. They think of you and they think of our family and they send us their love.

So kiddo, here I sit, writing you a letter again. Another year. Another year we’ve missed you. Another year we love you. Another year we wonder what things would be like and who you would be. Another year when I can’t believe you’re gone. Another year I wish you were here. Another year that proves life goes on whether you want it to or not.

I love you, Baby. I miss you. Your daddy misses you. Your sisters miss you. We all love you. To the moon and back.

Love,

Mommy

As you wish.

2010-02-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

For posterity and old time's sake and because I didn't really know you'd want it... Thanks you guys. I couldn't have done any of this without you. Honest.

Ummm, Hi.

2010-01-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

Julie is here. We are both well. My last c-section was certainly the most dramatic. 4 tries to get my IV in and I still have brusing almost 3 weeks later. The spinal didn't go well either...it took 4 tries to get that in and working too. 4th section and 4 tries for everything...lovely. Baby Factory is closed, I had my tubes tied.

So, 6'3" and 18". She didn't fit anyy of the preemie clothes I bought. Nat wore hers for almost 2 months. Cest La Vie. She's a wonderful, sweet and good-natured girl who is content to just hang out and nap. She's a champ at nursing.

I posted on Facebook and I think most of you out there already knew that. I don't know how much I'm going to be posting here anymore. Between lack of time and lack of anything interesting to say, it's best. Let me know if you are on Facebook and want to keep in touch.

Quick

2009-12-30T13:42:00.001-08:00

January 8, 2010. Julie's birthday. It's like 9 days away. I might lose my mind. OMG.

Too much of a good thing

2009-12-02T11:45:00.001-08:00

Eight days is a really long time to be at Disney World. It's an especially long time if you are finally willing to agree that your family is just too large to share one hotel room, you are 5 weeks from delivering your 4th child, your ankles and legs swell but never have in past pregnancies, you get harangued into wasting a day at a time-share presentation and/or you would really just rather be at home on your sofa or doing any of the one million things you think of that need doing before January 7 while lying in bed at night.

(that may be the longest sentence I have ever written)

Um, so the kids had a great time, but we won't be going back for at least five years. It may take us that long just to pay the bills we accumulated just for food. Five dollars for a hot dog people. A hot dog that you have to eat standing up because there is nowhere to sit at a hot dog cart. Anyway, it was fun. Honest. I think.

I realized something though. Pregnancy at thirty-five is way different than it was at twenty-seven. And not in the good way. It's harder. I hurt more. This kid is hanging so low I think she may have broken or bruised my tailbone. I need to sit, but it hurts to sit. I need to take a nap, but lying down too long makes my hips camp up. Walking too much makes my legs swell. I feel broken. I feel old. And, I feel like I am so very screwed when this baby comes.

I am scared to death. How am I going to manage all this? Seriously. My husband works ungodly hours. I spend 80% of my time alone with my kids. he rarely makes it home in time to put them to bed, never for dinner and he probably spends 40% of his workdays out of town. I am screwed. And not in the good way.

See a pattern here?

I am scared people.

Here, have a picture...

Ta-Da!

2009-11-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, the name. This is always a huge issue in this house. I maintain that my husband tends to have more opinions than I am comfortable with. The name thing is no exception. Too many opinions. If I play the I-should-name-her-because-I-have-to-carry/deliver-her card, he plays the that's-not-fair card. It's a no-win for me.

After much debate, the name is chosen. We didn't let it out too much because initially (according to Jim) we're just trying it on and it may change. So far, it's sticking and since we have already gotten things with her name on them, done deal.

So, her name shall be.... Julie Mae.

Julie, mostly because we agreed on it and both generally like it. We have the Julie Andrews factor. I know she isn't what you would call one of the old Hollywood Glamour Girls, but she was beautiful and certainly graceful and lovely. The Mae could be partly for Mae West, you know, a little brassy and no-bull-shit never hurt anyone. But, mostly is for my grandmother. My dad's mom was born on the day this little one will be born, January 7. Her name was Ethel Mae. God knows Ethel is awful, she always hated it. Knowing her, she would find a way to come back and get me if I even dared use the Ethel. So, we used the Mae, in her honor.

Coincidentally, she is the grandma I have mentioned before who loved children but struggled for many years and had many, many losses (15 total, mostly 2nd tri, some later than that, one shortly after a premature birth) before she had my aunt and then my dad. She was in her 40's (42, I think) when my dad was born. In 1954, that was old, old.

So, Julie Mae it is. Short and sweet is my favorite. She is our little Bonus, a surprise we never expected, but now a surprise that is much anticipated and loved.

In other news...

2009-10-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah, there's no other news. Nat is two. Bonus Baby still doesn't have a name. We've tried on a few but nothing seems to stick. We've all been sick in rotation for the better part of four weeks. I'm pretty much done dealing with that mess. I need us all to get healthy so we can have a life again that doesn't involve mass quantities of Kleenex and Tylenol.

Jim has been working more than usual (I would not have believe that was possible considering his usual hours). I'm trying to be grateful because, you know, he has a job. Lots of people are strugglung right now. That doesn't always work out because, wahhhhh, I'm sick. They are sick. And, wahhhh, I'm tired. And, also, I would like to take a shower without company. Or something. But, again, I'm trying to be grateful.

All this being sick and staying home has really helped me get some closets cleaned out. The girls' are much better. My bathroom closet is much better. My closet, eh, not quite there yet. I don't know if I will ever tackle the basement. Maybe I'll procrastinate and do the pantry next. Oh, the choices...

We need to transition Nat into a bed. I want her to be comfortable in her room with Grace long before Bonus Baby comes. Time is quickly running out. I want to get their room organized and all set with both of their things in it. That is a chore. I have the space, but it's going to take some major re-organizing. I need to get a closet organizer put in that closet, but ohmygod are they expensive to do. I only got one quote, but I nearly passed out. If Jim were handier, I'd make him do it. Sadly, he's just not that handy. Oh, and he's never home.

So, hey, you're all caught up. Wasn't that exciting? Admit it, you were on the edge of your seat the whole time.

I knew it.

Happy Birthday

2009-09-16T05:09:00.000-07:00

Hi Sweetie-

It's your fifth birthday! I can't believe it's been that long since I held you. I think of all the things you'd be doing this year and my mind boggles. It hardly seems possible. We're going to put your flowers out tonight. We're going to the place where your friends Madison and Brody are. I wonder if you've met them. I don't know if the Universe works that way or not. I haven't really figured all of that out yet.

Your sisters and I are making your cupcakes too! We're making piggies! I'll try to take pictures. I'm not very good about all that. I hope you get to enjoy them vicariously!

I bet you already knew that you have a new sister coming. I suppose you may have known before we did. She has been a real surprise. I have to confess that I'm scared about it. I don't know how I'll manage with three girls to take care of. I guess it's like when I was worried about you coming so close to your sister. I wish now that I could have had the chance to figure all that out. Life is funny sometimes.

I miss you baby. I wish you were here. I think of you all the time. You're in my heart and always on my mind.

Love You,
Mommy

The Other Side

2009-09-04T05:20:00.001-07:00

I mentioned before (I think) that a friend down the street lost a baby girl in January. They have had many miscarriages and they keep hoping for a baby to bring home. She and I discovered our pregnancies at the same time. We have both been cautiously optimistic.

Yesterday she was admitted to the local hospital dialated to 2-3. She had been bleeding and her amniotic sac was bulging. An ultrasound yesterday revealed this baby to be a boy. Last night they thought they had it under control, but this morning she is bleeding heavily and contracting. Things are very grim.

I don't know what to do. As I've thought about being the pregnant one left to face the friend who is likely to lose her baby, I don't know what to do. I wonder what I can do to help. I kept their older daughter last night so that her husband could be at the hospital with her. I have told them to tell me what I can do going forward.

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking for them. I feel like I am a horrible reminder of what is not going right for them. You would think that I could draw on my own experience and know what to do. I do not.

When we discovered we were pregnant and doing this together, I could only think how horrible it would be for one of us to have it end badly. We did not plan this baby and I have often thought what the hell am I doing and how am I going to manage my life now. And yet, here is my friend, losing a baby that they have so wanted. Already having had the horrible experiences that some of us know all to well, and I am at a total loss.

I want to hide. I just don't know what to do. I am scared.

Edited to add:

She has started bleeding and contracting heavily. Her amniotic sac has broken. An epidural is on its way. It's over. She's 19 weeks, 3 days. Another teeny casket. I hate this.

2009-08-31T11:06:00.001-07:00

So, I knew we were having a girl. Imean, after three, can you really expect anything else? I don't think so. Iam totally fine with it. Happy even. Iknow what girls are like, I knowhow those bits work. After seeing my nephew, I was scared todeath about learning what to do with boy-parts. This is good.

Jim is fine too. He makes a great girl-daddy. I think he may even make a better girl-daddy than he would have a boy-daddy. The Universe seemed toknow it too.

I'm starting to feel more consistent movement. It's great. I love that part. I wish the pukey part would end. Crap, I'm almost 19 weeks. You'd think it would be over. It is...mostly, but I still have moments.

Grace started first grade today. It seems surreal and normal all at once. I'm not sure how tht works, but it is what it is. They really do grow too fast.

Mystery Solved

2009-08-27T11:17:00.001-07:00

Daughter #4 is on her way. Everything looks like it's where it should be and working well. So far so good.

Where was I?

2009-08-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

Oh, right. I suck. That's right.

So, I'm 15 weeks and a few days. This is really the part I hate most. I'm sick of feeling sick. I have gained about 10 pounds and I don't get the joy of feeling the baby move and it's too early to know boy or girl so Jim won't even discuss names yet.

Level II ultrasound is the 27th. So, I wait until then.

In the meantime, I ask myself how the hell am I going to manage this family. There are days now, with only Nat and Grace that I go to bed and feel like the world's worst mother. How many more of them will there be when I'm juggling a newborn?I'm seriously wondering WTF I was thinking way back when when I said "eh, one more would be cool." Could I have been more of an idiot?

I know, I know. I hear you alll yelling hatred at me for saying that because, yes, I know. I'm lucky. I'm grateful. We never thought this owuld happen after everythjing it took to get Natalie here. I am. But OMG...WTF am I going to do?

Here. Maybe this will make up for that last bit. Here, have this.

Nat on her first bike.

Hi, it's me....

2009-07-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

We're back. It was nice to go visit. We had some good times. However, I do not advise going to a country that is hot, dirty, where the hygiene habits are questionable (at best) and where they eat really stinky things when you are in your first trimester. Let's just say it was difficult. Let's also say that we came home three weeks early. Because I was tired of hiding in the house and puking every night.

I am so glad to be home. I love my home. I love American food. I love that most people here bathe and used deodorant. *Ahhhhh, sigh.*

So, twelve weeks. Ultrasound Monday gave us a due date of January 29. Delivery date is January 7. Odd, but that is my grandma's birthday. The one I mentioned a ways back who had all the miscarriages and the baby who died at birth. The one I feel such a connection with now. I guess some things, even though they aren't planned, really are meant to be.

More later...

To be continued...

2009-06-08T01:19:00.001-07:00

I didn't want to leave for 6 weeks without a short update. We're leaving for Malaysia this morning.

Last week's u/s showed the very beginning flicker of a heartbeat. We still don't have good dates, but we have progress, so I'll take it. The morning sickness has arrived. I feel like total shit.

I'll catch up when I can. Thanks guys.

M

Fate

2009-05-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

I'm pregnant. For real. Who knew. There's really a baby in there. A baby that didn't require injections and ultrasounds and thousands of dollars to create. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that one. It's still very, very surreal.

According to the dildocam today, I am 5 weeks 2 days. My due date is January 26, 2010. The day before Gracie's birthday. of course, I will delivery early, somewhere around the first week of January.

The best part is that I have given away every single baby item we have had as Nat grew out of it, so I literally have to start over. It's an excuse to go shopping. I suppose I'll get over that. All of my maternity clothes were summer, so I would have had to get all that again anyway. Again, shopping really breaks my heart, so bummer...NOT!

I posted in January about a lady down the street who lost her baby daughter Madison. Catherine made a bracelet for her that she wears everyday. She called me the other day and said she had "BIG NEWS"... You can guess what the "BIG NEWS" is. I'm over the moon for her. I'm also even more scared now. For both of us. She and I have the same due date. She said something along the lines of there being a plan somewhere that we would be pregnant together so I could help her through it. I hope the outcome is the best one for both of us. I hope.

At any rate, that's all I've got for the moment. More when things sink it a little more. You know, like in January.

Beta #3

2009-05-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

1629 today. Doubling time of 1.6 days. I guess we have an overachiever on his/her way.

I know I haven't expressed much beyond surprise at this point. I don't really know what else to feel yet. It still seems very unreal. I don't know what to think. Ultrasound is on Friday. Ask me after that...

Thank you for all of your kind comments. They do mean a very lot to me.

Beta #2

2009-05-23T02:49:00.000-07:00

73 on Tuesday, 187 today. Progesterone is normal. All is well. Next beta is Wednesday and an ultrasound on Friday.

I am still in shock and disbelief. I do not really understand how this is possible. It all seems very surreal. I go from thinking this can't be true to wondering how we will manage everyone's room and future to thinking it's all some weird mistake.

Maybe after the ulrasound I will feel like this may happen.

4 weeks...ish

2009-05-20T15:02:00.001-07:00

Okay, so since I have no idea what the hell my dates are (shut-up Meredith), I'm only guessing based on a range. I'm pretty sure my LMP was after we came home from Jamaica (April 10) and before Tax Day.

I saw the doctor yesterday. They had a good laugh at my expense. Especially when I answered the "What birth control were you using?" question with "Why would I need that?". You know, what a stupid idea that would be.

We did a beta...it was 73. Right on even for my date range. We repeat the betas until we get to 1500 and then do an ultrasound. Guessing that should be the end of next week.

After we get past that hurdle, we do the program the sam as last time.

Next beta is Friday. More then.

OMFG...People

2009-05-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm pregnant.

*No mention of this at Facebook. I haven't told anyone yet... You know, except my husband and the whole fracking internet.

Well, uh huh, I know...

2009-02-16T04:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so things have been pretty boring around the old blog of late. No more than pictures and the occasional "We're all just fine" blurb. It's true, things are good. I really have no complaints. Life trucks along in the most normal fashion. I guess that's how things are meant to be.

The girls are growing up before my very eyes. Nat is changing a little everyday. She's starting to really thin out and look more like a toddler than a baby. She's still my little peanut, but she's less so than before. She doesn't talk as much as Grace did at this age, but she's so mechanical. She gets into things, she takes things apart, she puts things back, she fiddles with this and that and she is just generally more sneaky and mischievous than Grace ever was. Grace was a snugly, sweet girl who wanted to hug and kiss and nap on my chest. Nat wants to sleep by herself (and does, that's a huge switch), she's so independent it scares me and she is just so much more forceful. I guess he's rotten like me. Hehe.

Gracie continues to amaze me with everything she's learning in school and in the world. She's reading (which blows me away because it seems like it happened overnight). She's doing awesome in her riding lessons and with swimming. She's about to start cantering and then will come jumping (yikes!). She has some great friendships and we bring to various places to meet up with them. She loves to snuggle and hug and be close. She's into coloring and crafty stuff. It's so neat to watch her figure out her likes and dislikes and discover new things. She loves seafood, which is a really bizarre twist because neither Jim or I like it at all. She loves a good bowl of clam chowder and boiled shrimp.

The winter here seems like it has gone on forever. Usually I don't mind the change of seasons and what winter brings. Usually. This year we've seen a lot more of it than we normally do. We've had a few warm days here and there, but I'm so ready for some spring. I noticed that the robins are back the other day and our pussy willows have gotten their little fuzzy bits already. All good signs.

My aunt and her girlfriend have been staying with us since they moved here in September and it has been wonderful to have some company while Jim works his crazy hours. We've had the chance to go on dates and see movies, which we've never really been able to do before. It's wonderful to have them, but it looks like they may not be with us much longer. They may have found an opportunity that will take them back to the Pacific Northwest. It will be a sad day when they go, but we want what's best for them and their future...even though we'd really rather be selfish and keep them here with us.

We have trips planned for spring and summer! We're going to Beaches Boscobel (Jamaica Mon!) in April. I'm so excited because we haven't had a vacation like that since we went on our honeymoon. We've done trips here and there, but they've all been trips that involved family things. I am over the moon about it.

We're also going to my mom's in Kuala Lampur, Malaysia this summer. The girls and I are leaving when Grace gets out of school the first week of June and then we'll stay through August first. Jim is coming the last two weeks of July. I guess we're going to be "summering" in Asia this year. Ha! We have plans to see lots of places while we are there...including, Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Bali and some cool resorts in the jungles in Malaysia. I'm way excited. The plane tickets cost a small fortune, but I intend on making my loving daddy pick up the bills for some nice dinners to make up for it ;). I'm excited to see what their life there is like and see the awesome places. I figure it's a once-in-a-lifetime trip, so we intend on making the best of our time there.

Hey, maybe this blog will get interesting then! Wouldn't that be a switch.

The lady down the street who lost her baby girl invited us to the wake. We went. It was beyond awful. We did it to show our support for her and her family, but it was so hard for us. We chose not to have a memorial because we just decided that we're not people who can be openly emotional without feeling awkward about it, so we had our private thoughts and still have our yearly rituals. Seeing such a public display of grief was really tough. I had intentions of telling her all kinds of things when I saw her but all I did was sob on her shoulder. I still feel terrible about that. They are coming here for dinner on Saturday, so here's hoping I can do a better job.

I have about a thousand projects in my head and no real motivation to do them. Not the least of which is a surprise 50th birthday party for Jim. The problem is that his birthday is August 24th and with school starting that week and us coming back from KL two weeks prior, I don't know how I'll pull that one together. No one has every thrown him a big party and he looooves to have people over. He's the greatest host ever. I have to figure out a way to do it. I'm just not there yet. I need to do save the date cards to people from out of town so they can plan to buy plane tickets now. I guess I need to make some decisions...

So, that's the news. You are all up to date. You know, if you cared... ha!

Six

2009-02-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

Gracie turned six recently. Who knew six years could fly by so fast when my life without her seems like so very long ago. Love you Big Girl.

Again

2009-01-28T05:44:00.000-08:00

My neighbor, the one who organizes our neighborhood bunco games and whose husband plows our driveway when it snows, has lost her baby. She was around 26 weeks. The baby girl was born and died a short time later. As far as I know, she just went into preterm labor. My heart breaks for her and her family.

I hate this hurt.

Lunch

2009-01-25T10:16:00.001-08:00

Natalie fell asleep during lunch.

The question is, do we tell Rifle?

The N@ked Chef

2009-01-04T13:08:00.001-08:00

Wow. The End of 2008.

2008-12-31T08:51:00.000-08:00

I am a terrible blogger. Life has totally gotten away from me. The end of this year has come and I don't even know what happened to it.

I can't resolve to be a better blogger. Sadly, I just don't know what to talk about these days.

I have blogger block.

Life is good. The girls are great.

The end.

For now.

Sorry.

For Fun

2008-11-16T12:46:00.001-08:00

Doing well here, you?

Stuff

2008-10-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm working through it. Loads of issues. Stuff between my brother an parents and I that goes way back, stuff about babies lost, and stuff about probably being done having babies. I guess the list could go on, but it is what it is for now. My baby brother is going to be a daddy, my parents will have more grandkids and (for the most part) it's all good. I'll try to keep my own issues at bay and just enjoy the ride.

Things have been nuts. My aunt and her girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) are staying with us while they try and find a house. They moved from Minnesota to get away from the crappy weather there and to be closer to family. They are wonderful to the girls and fun to have around. We are delighted they will be close to us. It's fun to have family nearby for the first time ever.

We've been out to dinner twice. Once on my birthday and once for a big charity dinner thing we went to. It was great to dress up and not have to referee dinner. I'm sure with them being here we'll have plenty of dinners and an overnight or two in our future.

Halloween is almost here and shortly thereafter Thanksgiving. Before we know it it will be Christmas. Is anyone traveling for the holidays? Everyone's coming to us for Christmas, but we're going to Chicago for a week at Thanksgiving.

What are you all doing?

Mixed (up)

2008-10-17T17:48:00.000-07:00

My brother and his wife are going to have a baby. Due May 15. I'm excited for them. I am.

But. Why does it make my heart hurt so much?

Number One for Number Three

2008-09-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

Belated first birthday post for Natalie... Happy birthday big girl! I can't believe it's been one year. It's amazing to me how time goes by. I'm so proud to be your Mommy. Love you!

The ^%&^%*@ Neighbor... Again

2008-09-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

I posted a while back (March-ish?) about our bitchy neighbor who complains about Rifle barking. Well, she's back. Only now, we've been introduced, I know it's her, she knows I know it's her, we've agreed that she will call if there are further issues and shame on me for thinking she would do that.

She came to my door last week and said it was the first time in "months" that she's heard him, went on and on about how she came home with a migraine and had to listen to him bark for 2 hours (from 3-5PM...she timed it) and that with her migraine she had to turn on her radio just to drown him out. Because you know, she had to keep her windows open because they have an old house that doesn't have central air or good insulation like our "big beautiful new house" (but she does have an in-ground pool and 8 acres of property...have have no pool and 3 acres, but who's counting).

She asked if we could do anything. I told her we had. We spent $2000 on training, we have a bark collar which I told her I used for one day, but quit because not only do I hate the idea of using it, but I WANT MY DOG TO BARK. I rarely leave him out unless it's a really nice day because he LOVES to be outside. He's a dog, they enjoy the outdoors. Crazy. He's never slept a night outside in his life. In fact, he's hardly ever been outside at night.

We have lots of wildlife that he tends to go nuts over (duh, he's a dog). AND, she and her husband stand on their porch and yell at him. You know, because the strangers yelling from the woods would keep him quiet. Morons.

Our neighbors up front tell us he hardly barks unless there's a reason. Last time she complained, there was a family of deer in our yard. These neighbors also told us that they yell at him from their yard.

We got another letter from the township saying that there's some other nuisance ordinance that we're violating along with the noise one. The lady was very nice and almost apologetic saying some people just have no tolerance and that we just have to try to curtail it. She suggested we leave him inside all the time, which I won't do. I sent her copies of his training papers so she had them for her file to prove we were doing something.

The irony here is that this neighbor works in the office from where the letters are written. She knows the process and that she can complain if she wants. She also knows that the next step (if the township can prove she has a problem, which I don't know how they do) is to take us to court and have us fined. So, I get the feeling that the lady at the township office is trying to pacify a bitchy co-worker. Township lady told me that she had a barking dog issue of her own once and she felt for me. That we have a grumpy neighbor and she knew how that felt. She was just doing her job.

My issue is, what do I do? I've heard from other neighbors that this lady is just a real pain in the ass. She showed up at my door last week asking me to understand, would I like to come over for wine, could we be friends...blah, blah, blah.... and then I get a certified letter. It pisses me off to no end. No one else says anything about what little he barks.

Do I write a letter back to the township and copy her outlining what we've done and the hours he's out and then keep a log of when he's out so I can prove, I don't know, something, if this gets uglier? I'm lost. I hate this. It makes me mad.

Can I call the township about the farmer in back whose cows moo all damn night? I wouldn't because we live in the country and I kind of like it, but holy crap. What the hell am I supposed to do?

I am not good at diplomacy.

Number Four for Number Two

2008-09-16T11:31:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Audrey Girl. Wherever you are, we wish you were here. We'll send you your balloons when daddy gets home from work. Sister is making you cupcakes. And, the babies will get their flowers today too.

Four years. In the days and weeks and months after you were born, I never believed I would get to this place. I never believed I would get four years down the road. It just seemed like an eternity away. In some ways it is and in some ways it seems like yesterday.

Love you, Baby.

Mommy

The Feminism Sham

2008-09-04T05:49:00.001-07:00

After struggling with quitting my job and hating the fact that I didn't feel like a good Mother, I wasn't sure what side of the feminism issue I fell on. Now, with the Sarah Palin drama and the old feminists trying to paint the picture that they want you to see by cherry-picking the parts of their cause they want you to see, I have to wonder still where I stand. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut.

Politics shouldn't matter in this case. What side of the aisle you follow is a non-issue. The media is trying to paint a picture of this woman that is unfair. Feminists have long said that what a woman chooses to do with her career and how she raises her family is no one's business but her own. So why now are they raising these concerns? Because the candidate they wanted didn't make it? I thought their cause was supporting women.

I can't tell you how many often I was asked why I wouldn't vote for Hillary when she was in the running. Why? Didn't I support women? The answer was always simple for me. Yes, I am all for a woman being in that office. Absolutely, but it has to be the right woman. And, in my opinion, Hillary wasn't it.

Look, I'm not even saying Sarah is. I'm just pissed that the feminists who told me I had to vote for Hillary because she was a woman are now telling me NOT to vote for Sarah because she's got all these kids that need her. I shouldn't care if her morals and beliefs are worth a damn, I should only care that she's got these kids that need her. I wouldn't vote for Hillary because I don't believe that any woman who will allow her husband to behave the way Bill has behaved, who has affairs over and over and is so willing to not even hide it, is a woman I can feel good about. What does it say about her morals and values and her self-respect! Isn't that what feminism was (is) about? Self-respect?

I'm confused. I don't understand. No one says it better and more beautifully than MamaPop...

http://www.mamapop.com/mamapop/2008/09/what-the-hell-i.html#more

September

2008-09-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

It's here. I don't know if it will be different or better or just September. It's bittersweet. This month brings so many birthdays. Friends, family, furry friends. This month brought me Audrey and this month brought me Natalie. Happy and sad and all of these emotions to wade through.

I guess we'll see.

Time Flies

2008-08-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

The last six weeks have flown by in a way that is hard to describe. I have no idea where it's gone. It's been a whirlwind, but it's been nice.

We've been to Chicago and rode the train to the city where we took a water taxi down the Chicago River to Navy Pier and had lunch. We took a water taxi on Lake Michigan to the Shedd Aquarium and then back where we had dinner on Michigan Avenue. It was beautiful. I have to say that the city of Chicago is more beautiful than I ever remember it. There were lovely flower boxes in building windows and fabulous gardens in all of the street medians. Just so pretty.

My aunt came to visit us and look for a house. She's looking for a job so she can move here. I'm excited. We haven't ever had family near us and it will be so nice to have someone to have a Sunday dinner with from time to time.

We just got home yesterday from a trip to see friends in Vegas (I should so be unpacking right now). We went with them on a camping trip to Bryce Canyon in Utah. It was so much fun. Gracie had a blast playing hide and seek and the spotlight when it got dark. She got to play with the big kids and she hung better than I would have ever expected. She played in the creek and was just such fun to watch. We spent the last few days hanging out with our friends and visiting old haunts (read: favorite places to eat). Jim didn't get to go. Too much work...again.

School starts again on Monday. Gracie starts kindergarten. I'm kind of in shock and don't really know how to feel about it. I'm excited for her. She's excited. It's exciting. I think I might throw-up from all the excitement.

Nat is getting big. She's got 5 teeth officially and one more coming in the front and a couple of molars working their way up. She's army crawling all over the place. I'm not pushing for any more than that. I know this time goes too fast, so I'm in no hurry. With Gracie I pushed so hard for each and every milestone and now, I am just trying to enjoy each stage without forcing the next one.

My period came back today. I guess it was about this same time it came back with Gracie. Then, a month later, Audrey was on her way. I don't know how I feel this time. Jim would die, because I know he's done, but part of me hopes for an accident. I've left his vasectomy appointment up to him (he hasn't made any appointments yet), so crazier things have happened. I know after everything we went through to have Natalie, it would totally be our luck to have an accident when we think we are done. What will be, will be.

What a boring update. I guess I'm feeling a little melancholy because the summer has gone so fast and I know with the beginning of elementary school, life is going to be different.

Pictures later. Off to catch up with all of you.

Oy

2008-07-15T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am a bad blogger. I'm not even sure that what's been going on since my last post warrants catching up, but suffice it to say, I've been crazy (shut-up Kenna, I know I am crazy).

We've been all over. Jim's been working stupid hours and missed our family vacation. My parents have come and gone. School has ended and summer is already half-over. My baby starts kindergarten (!) in just a few weeks. Our yard is finished, the painting is done and the laundry never ends.

There. You're all caught up with me.

How about some pictures?

Gracie looking a touch shell-shocked at her preschool graduation.

Nattie looking sleepy at said graduation.

Gracie at her last show. She's gotten to be such a big girl. Kenna, how's that for a nice seat, eh?

Nattie slept through most of that show.

A wild stallion on the beach during our vacation to the Outer Banks. This was so damn cool. These horses were wild and were all over around our house. So, so, cool.

Rifle in the sunrise.

Happy girl in the sunrise.

Happy sisters.

Disarray

2008-06-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

When we sold the Vegas house, there had been a list of things I wanted to do to this house accumulating for a year. It got really long. Paint this, add that, change this, move that... blah, blah, blah.

Here's a little nugget of wisom for ya. Free. No charge. If you have a long list, DO NOT, under any circumstances, do it all at one time.

I love our house, but to say that the builder cut some corners is being kind. The yards sucked, the grass was spotty at best, the topsoil was nonexistent, the paint was terrible, the flooring is worse. I could go on. But I can't. I'm too broke.

We've spent the last five weeks having the yards totally redone, the interior painted and a few other little things done. I love it. The only thing I couldn't do right now (remember the broke part?) is replace the carpet in the family room and on the stairs. That will be a project for next year.

See, just like your grocery list, you get major stuff done at your house and before the final invoices show up, there's more on the list. Nice, huh? It's the gift that keeps on giving. My husband loves that about me. I'm a giver.

So, to say that things have been crazy here is a slight understatement. Worse yet, I'm a Libra, I like balance. I like organization. I like clean.

Things are not balanced, organized or clean here at the moment. I have laundry piling up while the painters finish. I haven't dusted in weeks. The floors are a nightmare (torn up yards + dogs = mud everywhere). My scales are whacked. My brain hurts.

We wanted to have it all done before my parents get here in a couple of weeks. Brilliant move.

Notsomuch.

This is going to feel really good when the pain stops.

Jealousy

2008-05-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

I write this post knowing the friend I'm talking about reads on occasion. So, In advance of this entry, I say: Amy, I love you, I'm happy, I am, I'm sad too. And, I'm sorry.

My friend's brother is having twins. I'm happy for them. They worked hard for it and have had their own struggle with infertility.

But.

I hate it. I hate that I still remember Nat's twin. The twins we should have had. The trials and drama, the laughs and craziness of twins. I thought it was my due. I thought it was the universe making up for our losses. Turns out it was the Universe dealing us one more blow. One last one for old time's sake.

Mostly, I'm happy with our family. I'm grateful for what we have because I know that even with our struggles, it could have been worse. We could have no Nat. We could have no Grace. We're lucky. I know.

But.

I can't see twins without feeling like we're missing someone. Like there's yet another someone who isn't here and should be. It makes me sad. And mad.

I'm happy for B and his wife. I am. I swear. I'm jealous. I'm still angry. I wish I could hear about twins coming and just be happy for the family. I wish I could just let it be.

I can't. There are too many buts.

It never really goes away. No matter how much time passes. No matter how much healing you think you've done. It just stays. Sometimes it's quiet and only whispers. Sometimes the whispers become screams.

Sigh.

A Recipe

2008-05-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

A Recipe for Disaster

2 - Tired kids who have been up too late for days and overstimulated by various aunts, uncles and cousins

2 - Tired parents who have been up too late and overstimulated by various aunts, uncles and cousins

2 - Delayed flights home

1 - Missed connection

1 - Crappy hotel in Detroit

1 - One cranky re-booking agent who made the mistake of trying to tell me while I breastfed one of the over-tired over-stimulated kids who hadn't eaten in hours and who just wanted to go home, that I needed to leave the area because "that's what restrooms are for"

0 - Luggage because our luggage was already one its way to Philly even though we were decidely NOT

3 - Diapers that had to last until we got home the next morning because I didn't think we needed that many when I packed the diaper bag because shit, we'll be home by 3:00.

Sounds like fun, huh? I'm still recovering and the suitcases are still waiting to be unpacked.

PS...I did give that agent hell. I started by telling her how much I enjoyed having MY lunch on the toilet and asking if I could buy her a sandwich to enjoy while SHE sat on the crapper.

Happy Spring

2008-05-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

Rumors of my death have been (only slightly) exaggerated

2008-05-01T08:40:00.000-07:00

Time flies.

I miss my little buddy like crazy, but now that he's gone, I realize how much energy went into keeping him well and how miserable he probably was while we tried. Funny how hindsight works like that.

We've been crazy here. we went for a last ditch to see my crazy grandmother. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that she is not the cute, sweet, funny kind of crazy. She's the mean, lying, stealing, ugly kind of crazy. I thought I should make a trip for one last time to see her because she's getting up there and, well, part of me hoped she might be a little more human.

Wrong.

I give you this little gem relayed to me by my great-aunt as she discussed my struggle with infertility and the loss of Audrey and my grandmother finding out that we were doing IVF..."You know, God will never let Michelle ever get pregnant again because of how she acted when Audrey died."

That part about "...when Audrey died..." She was talking about how she happened to be at my house when it all went down and I let my uncle take her away because she went on and on about how God took my baby for his own reasons and he needed another angel and all that horseshit. And because I lost my shit when she tried to clean Audrey's room out before I came home from the hospital. She went on about it for DAYS until I was at my wits end with it and my uncle, my wonderful, loving uncle shipped her ass home.

So that is the story of why I would never get pregnant again. Because I grieved the loss of my daughter.

HAH! Fooled her didn't we!

So, yeah. Batshit crazy, that woman. I didn't even tell you about the crazy shit she pulled when I was a kid and the crazier shit she pulled when my mom was a kid. We could write a book.

Nat's 7 months old. I can't even believe it. She so great. I am so lucky. She's teeny still. Just over 14 pounds and 25 1/2 inches long. 3rd percentile for weight and 8th for height. Still my peanut.

Gracie just lost her first tooth. Which is great, but funnier that my aunt was here when it happened and taught Gracie all about the International Tooth Fairy. And how her papa in Malaysia knew him personally. I'm afraid that little bit of wisdom is going to cost papa in some teeth for YEARS to come. We thought it was damn funny here though. Papa? Mmmm, not so much.

So, who's the nutjob in YOUR family? Someone make me feel normal. We all have them, right? Right?

Goodbye Old Friend

2008-04-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

Atlas came to me at a time in my life when it seemed that I couldn't make a good decision to save my ass. I was in the middle of a divorce. I was in the beginning of a crappy relationship. I had just lost my job. I even wrote a hot check to the lady I bought him from (it cashed). Within two months of him being with me, I moved across the country and that was when our friendship took root.

He loved me when I thought no one else loved me, not even me. He was there when I lost my babies. He was there when my babies were born. He sat with me while I cried and let me snuggle into his soft coat. He sat on my lap while I cried through my hurt. For a little dog, he had a huge heart.

When I needed to get out, he was right at my side. He hiked in canyons where he loved to run and chase snakes and tarantulas. He loved to cross the creeks and rivers even if it meant a short swim. He loved long drives where he could stick his snout in the wind. He loved chasing the horses and cattle at the farm in Texas.

I thought I'd lost him a half-dozen times. He chased cars, he fell out of cars, he even once got hit by a semi-truck. I don't think he ever realized that he was the little guy. What a little adventurer. I couldn't have wished for a better partner for my adventures. There would have been no one who could do it as good as he could. No one could even come close.

He loved kids. He was never aggressive with Gracie even though she chased him and pulled his hair. He was as gentle as any parent could hope a family pet would be with the kids. Even when Nat came, he would just give her soft Muttley kisses and make her giggle.

For thirteen years you've been my constant companion. You watched me grow up. I love you Little Muttley. You'll always be the Alpha here, pal.

Celebrity Sighting (PA Style)

2008-04-09T12:03:00.000-07:00

I saw the occaisonal celebrity when I lived in California. I saw a few more in Vegas. I never cared much.

Yesterday...

I SAW JON & KATE AT TARGET! I didn't see the Eight, but I saw them getting into the big blue van/bus. I knew they lived around here somewhere.

Sadly, the highlight of my week. I do love that show.

6 (plus) Months, It Begins

2008-04-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

My kids are talkers ('cept the dead one, she's pretty quiet) (deadbaby humor, it's one of the fabulous privileges of this club...wo-freaking-hoo). Gracie talked at like 7 months. She literally has not stopped since. She was speaking full (run-on) sentences by about 18 months. She makes me tired with her mouth.

Nat is already saying da-da. Not only is she saying it, she calls for him. She says it when she sees him. When he comes and talks to her, she babbles...dadadadadadada.

I gave up the good drugs when I hurt my ankle so I could keep breastfeeding and this is the thanks I get.

Conversations Overheard at Our House

2008-03-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

Last night...

Me: Gracie needs to go to bed. Are you holding Natalie, or are you putting Number One to bed?

Him: I'll get Gracie to bed.

Jim goes upstairs and walks into Gracie's room....

Jim: Hi Gra... WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES?! ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER??? What the heck are you DOING??!! Forget it. I'm going downstairs to hold Natalie. Your MOTHER can deal with this.

Me: (hysterical laughing)

Reality

2008-03-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

Today it's just me and Nat until we get Grace from school. Mom went home yesterday. It's the first day I'm on my own in almost eleven weeks. It feels good. But I'm scared as hell.

I'll still using one crutch to walk...if you can call my weird walk a "walk". I'm crazy sore. But, I guess ten weeks with no walking and not using one leg/foot at all, will do that to you. I knew this part would be the hardest, but I really had no concept. It's hard. Yesterday was the first day since I got the green light to be full weight-bearing that I wasn't more sore than the day before. Yesterday was better. Thank God.

I'm not a slow person. I do things quickly. But now, I'm freaking slow. I'm driving myself crazy I'm so damn slow.

I start physical therapy tomorrow. I'm excited about that. I'm giving myself this week to get my bearings and then next week I'm going to try and see if I can't get things as much back to "normal" as I can.

Normal is going to include a diet for Jim & I. We both need to drop at least 15 pounds and 20 would be nice. I think we're going to do something crazy like Jenn*y Cra*ig or something to get a jump start. I'd like to be down at least the 15 by the time we have a family thing to do in May. After that, maintenance we can handle. It's getting this last bit off that we are both struggling with.

We talked to the township about Rifle. The lady was just as nice as she could be. She basically said that the ordinance is very difficult to enforce, that she is a dog lover and hates to write those letters so she tries to be as nice as possible in them (she was) and that we have a grumpy neighbor so try not to sweat it too much. Cool. Can do.

Nonetheless...

Rifle is a great dog who has a fabulous personality, but he's got some puppy habits that we've never had the time to deal with. Basic obedience stuff. I had planned on taking him to school myself, but now, that ain't happening and Jim just doesn't have the time. The kennel where we leave the dogs when we go away has a great training program and one of the options is to leave the dog there for two weeks while they train him and then they spend several hours with you over a few weeks teaching you what they did.

So, Rifle is at doggie college. He comes home on Saturday. I miss him so much. I can't wait for him to come home. He's a kennel favorite though, they always give him special treatment there. Last time we went away, he didn't want to come home. I imagine that things will be that way Saturday, too. At the end of the day, he's a working dog and he is never happier than he is when he has a job. At the kennel, he has a job and he just loves it. As soon as I can (and since the weather seems to be improving) I'm going to get out of the house...with him...I swear. Someone please hold me accountable for saying that and ask if I have gotten my ass of the couch this year.

It's so weird. This is the first year in my married life (6th anniversary was yesterday) that we aren't pregnant or trying to have a baby. I feel like it's a new chapter. Like we have all this great stuff ahead of us, we just have to get past the part where I don't walk so good. I hope that gets handled soon. I don't really have time to be gimping along for days and weeks. I got shit to do people!

Having said all that, Jim and I have said on so many occasions..."If Audrey were here..." It's like now that we feel like we're done having babies, it lets us see more clearly how huge the hole is where she should be. We both know that if she were here, Nat wouldn't be, but how do you see that? How do you see as a parent, that one of your babies wouldn't be here if the other was? It's like our family wouldn't be our family if we hadn't walked the path we have. I know that seems like such a no shit statement, but, well, I think it's just finally hitting us.

There are so many times a day that I look at Nattie and wonder what Audrey would have looked like or what she would have been doing at this stage. Gracie and Nat look a lot a like, but not exactly, so I wonder where on that spectrum Audrey would be. Would she look more like me the way Grace does? or, would she look more like Jim the way Nat does? Did she have his eyes the way both the other girls do? I wish I knew.

Last week, I bumped into a blog of a woman who was only a few days out from losing her son at 36 weeks. As I have read it and felt her pain, all I can think about is how far we've come in 3 1/2 years. I remember that pain. I remember the sleepless nights and the tears. The fog that I walked in for what seemed like forever at the time. I still have that from time to time, but not the hurt that was so intense then.

Reading her words makes me hurt for her so very deeply. I know that in time she'll come to a place where things are just a little more bearable. A place where she'll sleep again and where she'll feel a little less broken. I just don't know how you tell someone that. How do you tell them that the pain does get better? That you find ways to deal with it? I don't think you can or that that there is a good way. I couldn't hear it when people told me.

There are still moments when the hurt is just like it was in those days. But they are moments. I still have nights when I wake up and have to put the years in order. When I first wake-up and wonder if it was all a bad dream. But, I look at Nat and know that it wasn't. That her sister is gone so she could be here.

I don't understand that. I don't even know if I like it. It just is. It is what it is. I'm grateful for what we have. I'm grateful for our experiences, they make us who we are. I'm so grateful for my family. For all of it.

I don't know how I got to this place, but I kind of like it here.

So Much for Country Living

2008-03-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

When we bought this house, I was so excited to get to have a big dog again. We have over three acres, we're set back from the road by at least an acre and a half, we are forrested on three sides, our closest neighbor is at least an acre and a half away AND we have enough grass in the front that when we can throw the ball for Rifle, we can throw the hell out of the ball and really wear him out.

So, imagine my surprise when the mail lady delivered a letter from the township advising us that we have violated the barking dog ordinance. Seriously? Firstly, our dogs are inside dogs. The big guy is only out when it's warm enough, which lately has been very seldom. the little guys are only out to go potty partly because of the cold and partly because of the large, predatory birds around here.

Barking dogs? Can you hear them from inside mt house? Don't think so. Does it bother you that he barks when he happens to be outside and he barks from a damn acre away? Really? Cuz, get over it. I WANT him to bark when someone is coming up to the house. It's his freaking job. I am here alone so much of the time, I NEED him to alert me when something is off.

We have only one neighbor in front who may be the one who called, she's odd. But, why not just come say something. I know he's been let out front a few times by people helping me out. And I know he has barked at you while you were hanging your laundry and your ADULT son was playing basketball in your yard. And yes, we have yelled at him to get back in his yard and yes he's a little rambunctious of late. That's because I CAN'T WALK TO GET OUT AND WEAR HIM OUT! Could you come to my door and say something? You have to call the freaking township?

Christ people. He's not an incessant barker. I swear, I'm home all damn day and when I'm not he's inside. WTF!? we've been here a year and it's just now an issue? Come the hell on.

Any of you lawyers out there know how far the township can take this and how much information I'm within my rights to get? I mean, is it really that he barks too much (doubtful) or did he run up at you and scare you? He does have a menacing bark, but he's not mean (honest). I really find it hard to believe that this is just about the barking. There's not enough opportunity for there to be barking.

Ideas?

So, Yeah, Well, Okay.

2008-02-22T14:17:00.000-08:00

I know. I haven't posted anything with any depth in like forever. Sorry about that. I'm totally avoiding things because right now I just have too much shit on my plate.

For instance; I can't deal with how pained I am that my middle daughter is missing life with her sisters because I still can't walk without the crutches and I'm still using the damn wheelchair mostly because I'm scared to death of falling using the crutches. That means, that I'm still depending on my mom (and a friend who came with her girls and stayed for a week...thank God she came, but holy hell it was a lot of work having people here that long). I wish I could do my own laundry and make my own bed and OH! how I wish I could shower standing up.

Fact is, I just have matters to deal with in the here and now and can't allow myself to have the emotional breakdown that I need to and know I will have when my life is again my own.

Until then, I may very well continue to bore you with pictures of crazy church signs and questions about life that cannot be suitably answered.

I'm stumped.

2008-02-21T15:30:00.001-08:00

See that cute brown dog romping joyfully in the snow?

Yeah, that one.

He eats poop. Could be his own, could be from one of the other dogs. Could be old, or it could be fresh... He's not particular.

But he draws the line at greenbeans.

WTF?

Church Anyone?

2008-02-11T14:53:00.001-08:00

I swear this is on a church billboard near our house. I've made a habit of reading these billboards because they are usually so damn funny to me. This one takes the cake if you ask me... My husband would like to add that this is his kind of church...

(so you don't have to squint: "Start the year off on the right foot... Get on the knees!")

Computer Go Boom

2008-02-03T09:31:00.000-08:00

My laptop died spectacularly last week. Lost everything. All of my pictures are gone (some of which have been saved on CD up until Natalie was born...thankfully, my mom took most of Nat's pictures with her camera, so my dad has those). I knew when the Geek turned it on and said..."Oh, that's not good at all..." that I was in trouble.

So, hey, I'm writing from my spanky new laptop. Did you miss me? You probably never knew I was gone... sniff, sniff.

We're all good. Nat's awesome. Gracie's awesome. My ankle is still in a cast, but a decidely shorter one. I hope to get the removable variety in a couple of weeks and then be able to put a little weight on it a couple weeks after that. Here's hoping.

Things are crazy. My mom had to go home; she and my dad had a trip to Hong Kong planned before I got hurt, so she left and my friend B came out from Vegas. She brought her two girls (3 and 5). The house is just Crazytown at the moment. So loud, so much going on. B and I are having fun, but I think Jim is on the edge. He's working a lot...possibly because he just can't deal with all the girly drama goingon at the moment. Whatever, he has clean underwear, which is more than would happen if it was just me here.

B and the girls are here until the 18th. Mom comes back on the 15th. I hope it goes fast. I want my life back. I actually miss doing my own laundry. Who knew?

Newsflash: Hell has frozen over!

2008-01-23T14:52:00.000-08:00

We sold the Vegas house.

Jinx

2008-01-22T15:44:00.000-08:00

You'd think I'd learn not to say how wonderful everything is.

Nat is teething. TEETHING people. At FOUR MONTHS! Not one tooth either. She literally has like FOUR coming in right now. One has popped through already and there are at least two more behind it. Holy hell. Poor girl. She's a spitty, cranky monster at the moment.

Ha

2008-01-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

I ordered myself a wheelchair today. I was actually excited. A wheelchair means freedom for me. I can stay out longer, I can roam the house, I can carry things, I can chase after the dogs when they run off...freedom.

How sad. I'm 33 and I am excited about my new wheelchair.

Another x-ray tomorrow. I was so excited for 2008. It meant fewer trips to the doctor, fewer procedures, fewer people worrying about how I was feeling and how I was coping. Pffft. So much for that.

I hope the x-ray still shows that things are aligned as they should be. I hope the one spot that was the nastiest is less nasty. I hope the next 10 weeks goes by faster than the last 2. I hope that I get better in this damn wheechair or I'm going to need to paint my freaking house from all the wall-bashing I've done chasing the damn dogs.

Suckage

2008-01-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

I am stuck. Totally bedridden and useless. My husband (God love him) has had his way with the house for 4 days and even my own mother won't tell me how bad the downstairs looks. My imagination runs wild. It cannot be good.

Thanks for your well-wishes. I hope at some point I am less useless and more mobile. I hope that I will get better on these damn crutches and able to negotiate my way further than the bathroom.

Natalie is less than interested in nursing since having had a bottle of formula (they have me narcotics at the hospital and I had no stored milk, so the kid had to eat). She's never been a baby who nursed for comfort. She's always been in it to get the job done and move on. Now, she's figured out that there is a way to get it much faster and that formula is more satisfying. My supply is already suffering and I am historically a shitty pumper. We may be done nursing and while part of me is okay with that as long as she's happy and well, another part of me is so very sad. Feeding my babies has always been something that I have selfishly not shared. I hate that we might be finished.

My mood isn't all as bad as this post makes it out to be. My mom is keeping my spirits up; it's always so good to have her here. I wish the circumstances were more fun.

I go back in tomorrow because I think I have a oressure sore developing inside my cast. I hope that will make the need for another visit on Wednesday null. We'll see. I don't think I'll need surgery. I think things are as good in there as they are going to get. I want to get this show on the road and get the healing done so I can move past this. I keep saying that 12 weeks is only one trimester and that was once such a drop in the bucket...

Right?

Because Murphy is an Asshole

2008-01-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

So, remember that cake walk that 2008 was going to be? Yeah. Well, that was before I fell down the stairs yesterday. And broke my ankle in 3 places. Also, before the surgery I'm likely to have to have next week to put all my broken bits back together.

I was holding Nat, but I thankfully fell on my butt. So, she stayed in my arms, the problem was that my huge ass landed on my poor defenseless ankle. Not good.

So, after I looked down and saw that my foot was pointing in a way it shouldn't, I had to get myself and Nat off the stairs and too some sort of safety. Safety in this case was the dog bed because it was close and at my level...aka...the floor. I crawled to the phone to call Jim. He called 911 and got them on their way while a friend came to get Nat, all the while I am crying and moaning in agony waiting for them all to arrive.

Long story short, I got a ride in an ambulance while Nat got to learn how to drink formula from a bottle. Thankfully, her ordeal went better than mine. She's eating well while I get the narcotics they gave me yesterday flushed out of my system. I do not recommend realigning a joint without drugs...even though mine didn't work well at all. The drugs that is, the realigning went okay.

So, 3 fractures and a dislocation later, we came home to go to the Orthopede this morning. We are hoping that the cast stretching from my toes to my crotch will keep everything aligned well enough to make surgery unnecessary, but we're not holding our breath.

In short, it hurts like a mother f-er. My mom is on her way from the other side of the damn world. My husband is frantically trying to do everything he never has to do...including feed the kids, change diapers and get up in the night for feedings. Oh, and build giagantic casinos from the privacy of our living room.

Thank God for Jim. He's been amazing. Really. My hero.

Well, Am I Glad That's Over!

2008-01-02T06:05:00.000-08:00

Holy hell, am I the only one happy to see 2007 go? I know Nat got here in 2007, but damn, I am still glad to see it done. Onward & upward.

We went to my crazy mother-in-law's for Christmas. What a joke. I thought when I told Jim we could go (WTF was I thinking anyway?), that it would make sense if we left early enough to come home on the 26th so Gracie could still have Santa come to her house. That was not one of my better plans.

We left on the 19th and came back on the 26th. We got to Philly at around 11pm, and by the time we got our luggage, it was after midnight on the 27th. We are an hour and a half from the airport and had promised Gracie that Santa was coming to PA that night. In short, Jim & I went to bed somewhere around 4am. That, of course, was after we got Gracie's gift together and under the trees and packed Nat's pack into the box to be returned because the assembly instruction were so ridiculous that we couldn't get it together right. Santa brought Nat her stocking stuff, but nothing else (piece of shit Kol*craft activity center that changes into a walker thingy. Good in theory). We'll have to make that up to her later...Good times.

The trip wasn't all that bad. I got to see my brother and his wife. We did some touristy stuff (Sea World & San Diego Wild Animal Park. OMG, the fires burned so, so much!). It was fun to hang out with them. I wish they were closer. I also got to see a friend from High School (Hi A, if you're reading...Happy New Year!) I didn't really have to spend much time with Crazy. That was nice. I will never do this again though. It made Christmas suck. Just totally not the same.

Natalie was awesome on the plane both ways. A total champ. She and I picked up a cold on the plane out there. I still have it. She seems to have kicked it already. Jim's just now coming down with it. Gracie seems to have avoided it (so far).

Somewhere in December, Natalie graduated to a size 2 diaper. Sniff, sniff.

Christmas Eve at San Clemete Pier

Typically, I am not one for New Year's resolutions. I know myself too well and know that I totally lack the discipline to keep up with them. I have made them this year and they are so typical that they make me want to puke. I am writing them here in hopes that it will keep me honest (HA!).

1 - Exercise and eat better. 3 times a week, I should be able to do that. Walk, a DVD, something. Anything. I need to get off my ass for the sake of my kids.

2 - Not so much a consumer. If I like a shirt or pair of shoes, I do not need to own them in every damn color! And, the kids do not need their closets filled to the gills.

3 - Be a better friend. Yes, the phone does work both ways.

Are you guys more creative than me? Cuz, seriously, it bugs me how pathetic those are.

Bceause I cannot help myself.

2007-12-05T10:53:00.001-08:00

Miscellany

2007-12-03T12:15:00.000-08:00

Conversation with Gracie:
G - Mom?

Me - Yes?

G - Do you love me more than chips?

Me - Where do you come up with this stuff?

*****

Why does it not matter how many times I check the "remember me" box when I sign in to my Google account? It NEVER remembers me.

*****

Nattie has passed the 10 pound mark. She looks so big to me and yet, when we're out, everyone says how small she is. Perspective I guess.

*****

Never, ever make cookies because they sound good. Especially when trying to lose weight. Never. Very bad idea.

*****

Why does coffee taste better when it snows? There are GIANT snowflakes falling outside right now and a GIANT cup of joe next to me. Mmmmm. Oh, and cookies.

*****

We did our family pictures on Saturday. I almost forgot Audrey's bear. Gracie reminded me. She reminded me as I tucked her into bed Friday night and then asked if she could sleep with it.

I love her more than chips.

Recently...

2007-11-20T15:03:00.001-08:00

My attempts to get a picture of Natalie smiling resulted in this:

She is still screaming at this very minute as if the camera flash tried to take her soul. I did manage to get these. They are less bad. I will continue to try for the ever illusive smile.

SURPRISE!

By popular demand...

2007-11-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, only two of you asked. But still. Pictures anyway.

This one was long before the 4 inches of snow we have on the ground. I think it was the first day of school.

Admittedly, this one is old. I have more recent ones, but Jim's got the camera and I have a ton on there I need to download. She's quite a bit bigger now. In fact, she's still wearing a preemie size outfit in this one. We're way bigger than that now...0-3 months. Oh, and she has a bit more hair.

We haven't gotten to talk in a while. Tell me about your day.

2007-11-18T16:56:00.000-08:00

The days continue to fly by. I really don't know where they go. We get up, we rush to school, to swim, to dance, to the grocery store, to riding lessons, to the doctor, to the vet, blah, blah, blah. It seems we rush everywhere. I swear I did 40,000 loads of laundry last week alone.

We're good. We are. I go through each day and find things here and there that I want to post about, but now as I sit here, I can think of exactly zero to write about.

Maybe I should just try again later. I'll catch up with you all instead of writing such drivel.

Where does the time go?

2007-11-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

Seriously. November? How did that happen? I feel like I've barely had time to breathe since September. It seems like Christmas is almost here already. Damn.

This post may be a little disjointed since I have so many unrelated things to, um, relate. Apologizing in advance for that.

*****

Nat is a peach. She's pretty easy so long as she's fed and warm. She does not like to go hungry and would prefer to be on the boob as much as possible. She hates being cold, so baths and diaper changing are a blast. It's finally showing signs of winter here too, so she better get used to the occasional chill.

My attempts to make sure she did not sleep in our bed the way her sister did, have failed. I do not do well tired. I need sleep and my need for it has made me forget how hard it was (and how long it took) to get Gracie out of our bed. She's a more scheduled sleeper and eater than Gracie was, so I'm hoping that once she's off of the 2-3 hour feeding requirements, I can ease her into the bassinet and then to her crib. Here's hoping.

After her birth at 6'12", she she lost and went down to 5'14". When my milk finally came in, she gained back to 7'2" at 4 weeks. She does like to eat this girl of mine. I would guess now at 6 weeks (!) she's somewhere in the 8' range. She's still only wearing the newborn sizes, but she's pretty long, 22 inches at the 4 week appointment, so I think we'll be in the 3 mos. stuff just for the length before too long. I guess we'll have another beanpole like daddy and sister.

I'd post the birth story, but honestly, when you have a c-section, it's really pretty uneventful. The only weird part was that I was taken into the OR and given the spinal, but the OB was nowhere to be found. She was on the floor somewhere and didn't answer her pages. She finally came in after I'd been there and numb for something like 30 minutes.

Oh, I had one issue...the nurses thought they'd try to put the catheter in BEFORE the spinal. WTF? Who would be okay with that? I told them they were nuts and they could wait until the spinal was in. They did. Okay, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure yet...NEVER, EVER let them do the catheter before you are numb. Never. Not ever. Very bad.

For those of you hoping that the DBT's will stop when said baby is born, think again. Mine have taken on a whole new dimension. More on that later.

*****

I wasn't sure how I'd feel after she was born. I didn't have any preconceived notions about how her birth might change my experience with having lost Audrey. I still don't quite know how to explain it all. I still feel the loss. I very much feel the hole between Gracie and Natalie that is where Audrey should be. I don't know what to say about it yet.

I know Gracie feels it. She's said things like "Does Natalie get to stay with us a while before she goes to Heaven?" And, "Mommy, you have to do everything you can to keep Natalie alive." I hate that even her experience with her new sister has been warped by the loss of another. She doesn't understand that babies do get to come home and that babies do live. Her experience is so different that she just doesn't understand that this is how it should have been. Her reality is not like that of others.

Jim mentions Audrey more than he used to. I think maybe he's feeling that hole too. We scheduled to have family pictures taken and I plan to have some done of the girls. I will bring Audrey's bear as my small attempt to make sure she's included in the family photos...even if we are the only ones who know its significance.

*****

Mom leaves on Friday. She and I are both amazed at how fast it's come on us. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's kept this place running in so many ways. I don't know how I'll keep all the balls in the air when she's gone.

Wish me luck.

Yeah, I suck. It's been a week.

2007-10-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

Here's Rifle and "his" baby. He has to know where she is at all times. All hell breaks loose if she cries too long. He rushes to us and whines as if to say "CLEARLY, you are not doing your job. Would you handle this NOW!"

Apple and punkin picking, kisses from big sister and a big smile from daddy.

Dude, the FAN

2007-10-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

Natalie smiled for real today. First real smiles. At the ceiling fan. She's been fascinated with it since the day we came home. It's her friend. She loves her fan...

Catherine, I got the most amazing gift today. The cutest little sweater and matching hat. Just adorable. And the smelly bath stuff....mmmm. Such a great friend. Thank you.

Pictures coming soon.

Hi! Remember me?

2007-10-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you might not, it's been forever. Sorry. Things have been nutty. I am still working on how having a newborn affects our "normal" schedule. Turns out it's a big deal just getting out the door. Thankfully, she's a good sleeper. As in, she sleeps quite a lot. I change her, feed her and she sleeps. Rinse, repeat.

I've had a slight setback with my incision. I woke up for our 2:30 am feed on Friday morning to find my PJ bottoms soaked in the front. Bleary-eyed, I wandered to the bathroom and realized I was soaked with yellow goo. Nice, huh? I proceeded to leak said yellow goo the rest of the morning and when I called the doc, was told to get my ass to their office...stat (ha!).

Turns out I have a massive infection. So far it's only in the top (read:fat) layer. But, it's nasty. They mashed and pushed on it and drained what they could. Oh, and they opened more of the incision to let it drain. They also stuck a long q-tip insode so they could get a culture. That was all fun. NOT! Hurt like hell.

I didn't feel too bad until I got home that night. At which time, I felt like I got hit by a truck. For the next two days. I am just today feeling sort of human, but still pretty damn sore. My middle feels like my section was yesterday instead of two weeks ago. Good times.

So, pardon my lag in posts. I swear I had a good excuse.

Coming up for air

2007-09-26T11:07:00.000-07:00

5 days already. I can't believe it's been 5 days. SHE'S HERE PEOPLE! Can you believe it? I know, me either.

Thank you KB for your posts. I didn't want to keep you all in suspense about Natalie's (safe) arrival. Your well-wishes have been recieved, and I am ever so grateful. There are really no words.

I have posts swirling in my head. I need to explain the day. I need to tell you all how she is now. I can't now, but I will, I promise. Suffice it to say, there are good outcomes guys. There really are.

Fow now, a picture of Gracie and her little sister Natalie... And, one from the Horse Show on the 23rd (which she took 5th place in!).

sharing her photo!!

2007-09-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm going to assume Michelle is okay with me posting these here on her blog.... ;) But I have to say Natalie is just too beautiful to make you all wait until they come home!!

There are more, but I think I will leave those for the proud momma to post when she has time. I'm not sure when they are home from the hospital, but judging from the pictures, big sister Gracie is thrilled.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I can't wait to hear what the crazy canines think of this newest addition!!!

Ciao,

She's here!!!

2007-09-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

Michelle has asked me to share with you all that Natalie Rose has arrived safe and sound!! Weighing in at 6lbs 12oz and measuring 19.5" long, she made her debut at 14:09 this afternoon. Her daddy's email reports "She has beautiful blue eyes and very light blonde hair. Natalie and Michelle are both excellent and Natalie looks very much like Gracie did on her Birthday."

Congratulations!!

Emma's Mum

2007-09-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

Can I come to the party at your place? I keep meaning to ask... Pretty please? (Sorry to post it that way, but I couldn't figure out another way to get to you)

All Set

2007-09-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Nat got her eviction notice.

Amnio went fine. More anxiety than it was worth. But, I knew that. She's all ready. Now, we wait until 1:00 tomorrow...

Thanks for all of your well-wishes. I'll take all the good thoughts I can get.

Lock and Load

2007-09-19T05:39:00.000-07:00

The room is ready. Bags are packed. Closets have been organized. Car seat is ready. We even bought diapers. And, curtains have (finally) been hung. It's done. We're set.

Amnio is tomorrow at 8:30. We'll know by noon whether her lungs are ready. We don't expect that answer to be no, but there is always a possibility we will be put off a week. I hope that doesn't happen because I will surly lose my mind. I'm still the most nervous about this.

C-section is set for 1:00 on Friday. I know what that's about, I know what to expect there. Bring it on.

You know what? I'm finally thinking this might just happen.

Three

2007-09-16T06:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Bithday, Audrey. We miss you so much. I know we've been distracted with your sister's arrival, but please know that we think of you every minute and wish you were here with us. We're going to the old cemetary today to bring flowers to the babies who don't get flowers anymore; the babies whose mommies and daddies went with them to heaven a long, long time ago. Grammie made your quilts and gave them to the babies at the Chinese orhanage where she lives now. I have the pictures, they are very pretty and fun. We're also sending you your balloons and Gracie will be making you cupcakes.

I love you so, so much.

Mommy.

Threaten me with a good time.

2007-09-12T07:23:00.000-07:00

I have my pre-op appointment at the hospital today. So, I'm being a good girl and filling out forms. No biggie 'til I get to question three:

Is there a possibility that you might be pregnant...yes or no?

Followed by:

A "yes" answer will result in a pregnancy test.

Are you people serious? I mean, you could do the blood test, but I could save us all the trouble...

We'll see how far they actually take that little gem.

PS. I'm doing laundry. Of baby clothes. New clothes that I actually took the tags off of. Proud of me?

Slip(s) of the Tongue

2007-09-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

I keep saying "Audrey" when I'm really referring to "Natalie". I do it when I talk about her room and when I talk about her. I keep catching myself. It makes me feel guilty. Guilty for the obvious reason; they are not the same and should have their own identity. But, also guilty because it's not fair to either of them.

I know most mothers do this when they are yelling for their kids. You say "Billy" when you mean "Bobby" and get them confused when you're flustered. I get that. My grandmother used to get upset with my brother and call him by my dad's name. It used to make me laugh. I know Jim's mom used to run through all four boys' names until she got to the right one. Hell, I bet Momma Duggar does it hourly.

This feels different. This feels like I am slighting both of them. Like the whole "replacement child" thing that bugs me so much. I know one is not a replacement for the other, but it sure does sound like that when I confuse them.

The contractions continue. I almost don't notice them a lot of the time. I suppose I should consider at least packing my hospital bag, but I haven't done much more than consider it. The OB did say at one point that if we got to this point and things started to get sketchy (cervical change or a decrease in fetal movement) that there would be no chances taken. At this point, she'd be safer out here then she would in there if the wheels started to fall off the wagon. I guess we'll see at the NST tomorrow. Maybe that bag will get packed on Thursday.

Gracie starts school tomorrow. She's sooo excited. We did go buy school clothes, but not a lot she can wear while it's still warm. I put her in for 3 days a week, but she informed me she doesn't want days off. She wants to go everyday. I might bump her to 4 days and keep her out on Fridays. We'll see how this week goes I guess. I'm so lucky that she loves it so much. She's such a good girl.

Oh! She gets to be in her first horse show on the 23rd! I'll still be in the hospital and I'm so bummed I'll miss it, but daddy's going to take her. I'm excited that amid all the baby excitement that she'll have something just for her that daddy gets to take her to. Doubly special. I hope she wins a ribbon! She got to trot for the first time yesterday and you'd have thought she won the lottery just doing that. Ah, the excitement of youth, eh?!

Hey, guess what? Still nothing on the Vegas house. We sure would like the idiots on TV to quit talking so negatively about the prospects for the real estate market. It'd be really great if Bernanke does lower those interest rates. I'd love to get out from under that. We've been sitting on it almost a year now. It sucks.

Because, God Forbid, I Should Relax...redone

2007-08-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

NST yesterday. Lots of contractions. Then. Now. Still. I knew I was having them, but I really only noticed before bed and occasionally in the car. Now I'm paying attention. I wish I could stop.

Doc did do a cervical check and so far it's just low and soft, not open. Thank God for small favors I guess. Right now we're just going to watch it and I'm to call if they get worse and try to stay off my feet. Ha!

Also had an ultrasound. That was great. She's* 5 lbs. already. Audrey was born about now and was 3 lbs. 3 oz. Small is a red flag for a problem, we knew Audrey was small but didn't know to look at it as a potential issue. I'm glad Natalie is where she is.

I don't really have much else to say. Maybe I'll try again in a day or two.

*...yeah, typo. Sorry for the panic attacks! Far as we know, still a "she".

Also, I didn't mean for this post to sound so pathetic. I'm really not upset, really. I'm just, well, I don't know. Not upset though. Maybe I'm just done. I'm done. If she's coming now, I'm okay with that. So long as she's alive. Now is okay.

Of course, her room is a mess and her clothes are either in need of washing or they need the tags off or both. Oh, and I don't have a bag packed or any idea what I would take to the hospital. So you know, that would suck. Maybe I should do that...just in case I have to ask someone to grab my stuff...

Oy.

Lucky

2007-08-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to label this week. I'm 33 weeks. Audrey was gone at 33 weeks. I'm here. I'm scared. I know we've made it this far. Intellectually, I know that. My heart doesn't get it the same way.

Every time I get a kick or a stretch I wonder if it will be the last. I don't know if I remember Audrey's last, but I remember distinctly the last time I remember feeling that little foot stretch into my side. I'll never forget how that felt. Reaching over and feeling her little foot hang there for a minute and then recede back into the comfort of my tummy.

And then, I got busy. I was working, I had a 20 month old to chase after. My grandmother was with us... My parents were staying with us taking refuge from hurricane Ivan. So much going on. So much going on while my baby was dying. How do you miss something like that? How do you miss the death of your child. And yet, it happens. It happened to me. To us.

Gracie had an appointment today to get her Health Certificate for the new school year. First time with this doctor. Since we were new we had to answer the usual family history questions. I had to mention Audrey and her heart defect. My clotting issues. It was hard. Hard to not cry.

Even harder when Gracie chimed in about her two sisters. One in mommy's tummy and one in heaven. I never know how to feel when she talks about Audrey. Part of me is always sad that she has to deal with the death of her sister. Part of me is sad for what she's lost. Part of me is proud at how she handles it and what a big girls she is for just putting it out there in a way that I never can. So matter-of-fact. as if to say, "This is my life and I'm okay with it."

I listened to her and the doctor discuss Audrey and how Gracie felt about it. I heard him tell her that she was very lucky girl to have a sister in heaven who could look out for her down here. How exciting it would be to have a sister here and a sister there. The tears rolled down my cheeks as her eyes brightened at being so "lucky".

I wish it made me feel lucky. But, I'm glad that she can feel lucky even if I can't. In fact, I think I'd trade my feeling lucky for her to feel that way.

So, we continue to wait. I feel like my belly is a timebomb. Like at any minute everything will explode and we will lose everything again.

Why can't she ask easy questions?

2007-08-14T14:25:00.001-07:00

Like many of us, I struggle with the concept of God and religion. So, when Gracie tossed this one at me, I was sort of baffled as to what I should say...

Her: "Mommy, what is the Bible?"

Me: "Um, can't we talk about the birds and the bees, honey?"

Oy. I'd rather talk about sex than religion with my 4 year-old. Bring on the therapy.

Ummm, I got nothing

2007-08-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else, it's too hot to think straight. It's still not Vegas hot. I shouldn't complain. But, I will...only a little. Thank God we got a little rain today. Still pretty steamy.

'Nother week down. NST was good. C-section at 1:00 on the 21st of September. I hate to say it, but I am scared to death of the amnio. You'd think after the 500 some odd needles I've had in the last 3 years, I would not be phased... But, that one, she's a big ass needle. Someone tell me it won't hurt.

Really, lie if you have to.

Misc.

2007-08-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

NST was fine. Took time to get her to cooperate with the raising-the-heart-rate part, but she did. Ultrasound showed nothing worrisome. She's a little more than 3 pounds. That alone makes me feel better since we know Audrey was always a little behind and was 3'3" when she was born...(no one remind me about the error facto on u/s measurements, please).

******

Scheduled amnio for 9-20 and birthday for 9-21. I'll be 37 weeks on the 21st. I'm glad that's done. Seems so close, yet so far.

******

Gracie fell off of her pony at her lesson today. Thankfully, I was petting the barn cat at the time and totally missed the fall. I caught it when she was getting up and crying, but her instructor was handling it and I could tell she wasn't hurt. I managed to stay at the rail and let them handle it...that was the right thing to do because in just a minute she was hopping back on and getting back to her. I couldn't be more proud. A fall was bound to happen, so I'm glad it happened in a way that didn't scare her into quitting.

That's my girl.

******

It's hot today. Not Vegas hot, but hot enough to keep me inside on the couch most of the day. Again. My excuse for not doing anything is the heat. Don't remind me that the air is set to 71 at the moment.

******

I think there was more, but I just can't seem to remember. Dammit. It's the heat.

3-Oh

2007-07-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

30 weeks. How did I get here? So fast and yet so damn slow. Weird. Oh, and it scares the living shit out of me.

We saw Audrey on u/s at 33 weeks. 3 days later she was gone. Just like that. Fine, then not fine anymore. So at 30 weeks, I'm panicking. Natalie strays from her usual routine and I panic. She doesn't give me a good kick when I eat something sweet, I panic. I am controlled enough to not call the doctor every time, but how long can that last?

I start weekly u/s and NST's this week. That will probably be enough to get me through that one day a week...maybe. I am anxious for the next 6 weeks (!) to pass quickly. I need this to go fast. My sanity needs this to go fast.

And yet, I am so not ready. Her room is not remotely ready. We did get the furniture put together and vaguely in the right places. I cleaned out the closet in her room. We bought a car seat and swing. But they are in the garage in their boxes right where we left them when we got home. I only bought them when I did because we had coupons that were going to expire. God forbid I should not use a coupon.

I have a drawer full of receipts. You know, in case she dies I can take stuff back. I didn't return anything of Audrey's...I still have it all. But, this time I am much more organized about where everything is and if it's been opened. You know, just in case.

I feel like such an idiot for letting myself think this might happen, and yet I know I will feel like and idiot if it doesn't and I feel as emotionally unprepared as I did with Audrey.

This is such a shit deal. It's shit that we get to go through what should be one of the most wonderful and exciting times in our lives afraid. Afraid that every time you see an u/s that there will be no heartbeat. Afraid to go to sleep because she might not be there in the morning. So much fear. So much fear mixed with so much love is such a confusing emotion. It makes no sense and is so hard to control or understand.

Innocence

2007-07-24T13:10:00.001-07:00

Sweet and innocent, right? Sure.

But... If you look closely, you'll see the shreds of the toy he wore himself out destroying.

Alas, I love him to bits.

Changing Plans, Making Plans and Growing Up

2007-07-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

Um, so Carlie didn't work out. Jim wouldn't ever get with it. We tried many, many names. He threw out many, many ridiculous names (Wilhelmina!). We argued, we debated, I cried. He was watching a Bond movie with Natalie Wood and we both said Eureka! Natalie. Natalie Rose.

I suppose, in the end, it keeps with the movie star theme we started with Gracie. We have Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn and, now, Natalie Wood. So she shall be...

The nursery furniture has actually made it into her room and is actually put together. I have brought exactly nothing up from the basement. I did clean out the closets so I could get hers empty. My mom went nuts shopping while she was here, so honestly, I don't know how much stuff I will need out of the basement. That's not all bad since it was all unpacked for Audrey when we lost her and now that it's all packed away, I don't really want to get into it. I know I will, but I'm not there yet.

Gracie is loving Pony Camp again this week. She's with the "big girls" this time (ages 6-14). She's by far the youngest. The first day was great save the fact that some brat called her a baby. I would have thought she might be upset by that, but should have known better. She was genuinely and 100% PISSED OFF about it. That's my girl.

Today she's on her first ever field trip. To a horse show. An hour away. Without me. I didn't even drive. It sucks. I'm a nervous wreck, but she was beside herself excited about it. I almost said she couldn't go, but the thought of seeing her disappointed was just more than I could take. So she's gone. Sniff, sniff.

Had an OB appointment on Tuesday. Last regular appointment before we start NST's on August 1. We'll also schedule the amnio and c-section that day. I'll be 6 weeks from delivery (barring any, you know, issues) at that appointment. Once the first trimester was over, the time has just flown by. I hope it continues to...

Read the fine print

2007-07-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

I've never been good with details. I cannot tell you how many times a detail that I didn't have the time or patience to pay attention to has bitten me in the ass. Suffice it to say, many, many times. It drives my husband crazy. It drives him crazy because he is a Virgo and he can get IMPOSSIBLY lost in the details. We make each other nuts with this circle.

Remember I said I ordered baby furniture? Yeah, it came. In very slim, very un-put-together-like boxes. Oh, and it's sitting in my entryway. Not in the bedroom at the top of the stairs where it goes. I paid $400 for delivery of the stuff, shouldn't it go where it goes? Isn't "delivery" like, delivery to where it goes? I mean, the job's only partway done. Right, and it's not even put together.

Why you ask? Well, partly because a certain major retailer with the initials J and C and a certain monetary denomination in their name sucks. But mostly because I didn't read the tab that said "delivery is to garage or no more that five feet (!) inside main doorway". Oh, and also, "Some Assembly Required".

Seriously. My husband, God love him, can build a 5 billion dollar casino/resort and manage the deal from cradle to grave, but ask him to put together an end table and we have problems. Serious problems.

People, tonight those problems are sitting in my GD entryway. And, I did it to myself. Crap on a cracker.

Did I mention it cost $400 just to get them to my entryway?

No Sleep + Pregnant = Cranky as Hell

2007-07-11T07:05:00.000-07:00

Jim's been out of town. I sleep great with the bed to myself. Problem is that not one other creature in this house sleeps well when he's gone.

Gracie insists that of daddy is gone then she should get to sleep in his place. Never starts out that way, but it never fails that sometime in the night she sneaks in. Rifle feels the need to be vigilent, so I hear him pace the wood floors and go up and down the stairs all night. Atlas isn't feeling well, so he's making funny noises all night. Mook, well, he's pretty good, but I notice him more since I'm not sleeping because of the other three.

I had plans to get so much done while Jim was gone. There are bare spots in the lawn I intended to get seeded. I wanted to start working on the closet in the baby's room (read: get Jim's shit out of it). I did break down, at my mother's insistence, and order baby furniture which will be here tomorrow. Maybe that will motivate me to get some stuff done in that room.

Oh, hey, get this... I'm still getting used to gardening where it's humid. I'm used to the dry arid climates of the west. Anywho, I'm forever having to look things up to figure out what's going on or what to do. The other day, there's the nasty slimy yellow crap growing in my mulch beds. What the hell is this, I ask. "Dog Vomit Slime Mold" people. How disgusting is that? It's harmless, but totally disgusting looking. One of the stages (after the slimy yellow stage) is that it dries and weeps this red, bloody looking stuff. Un-freaking-real.

So yeah, no sleep, nothing getting done and bloody dog vomit looking stuff in the garden. Good times. Could someone have a drink for me please?

The Very Hairy Who-Ha*

2007-07-08T10:29:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I distinctly remember showering with my mother and swearing that I would never have a hairy who-ha like she did. I remember thinking how very unattractive and, well, jungle-y it looked. I have kept that promise and have always been good about keeping things down there trim. I don't do waxes or anything crazy, I just make sure things never get too wild.

As my middle has gotten bigger, it's gotten harder and harder to keep up with my trimming, so the other day I decided to give it what could be the last trim before this baby is born. I grabbed my scissors, hopped in the shower, and went for it.

Gracie came in the bathroom later and noticed the scissors in the shower. She asked why they were there. Crap. She knows what scissors are for. She knows I don't cut my own hair. What could I possibly tell her? I decide to be vague.

"I was trimming my hair" I say.

She replies, "Nuh-uh mommy, you were cutting all that hair on your hairy bum."

Oy.

Does this mean she sees things the way I did? I mean, does she see it as hairy as I did on my mom? I try so hard. Did my mom try too?

I can live with the fact that I have to wear a pantyliner everyday or I might sneeze and wet myself, but this? My daughter thinks I'm hairy? This I cannot abide.

I may have to suffer through a bikini wax if the middle gets so big that I can't take care of business.

* Wouldn't "The Very Hairy Who-Ha" make a great title for a children's book? Kind of like the one "Everyone Poops"? Hahahahaha, I crack myself up.

Cuter Than Words

2007-07-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Gracie's doing Summer Pony Camp. She's having a ball. I want to go to Pony Camp. It looks really fun. Wanna join?

Holy Hell, I Hate it When She's Right

2007-07-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

I was 27 when Jim & I got engaged. We were, of course at my soon-to-be-in-laws' house for the event. I wasn't fully aware of MIL's foibles at that point, but I was certainly sure something wasn't right.

One of the first things she told me after Jim announced our engagement (after the bit about when you have daughters you gain a son, but when you have a son, you lose him to her family...boo-hoo), was that some doctor told her when she got married (at 20) to have all of her babies by the time she was 27. Sage advice as it turns out.

I was 27 when I had Grace. I was a month shy of 30 when Audrey was born. 31 for the ectopic. The miscarriages were all before 27, but I don't really know how to categorize them because I was in another relationship then. I will be a month shy of 33 when this baby is born.

So far, we have been through loss and IF to get here. Well, at least until I got sick last month. Sicker than I ever remember being in my life. I coughed so hard that I pulled ligaments in my back that had just started to heal.

Until yesterday. When I was sitting in an odd position and swallowed wrong.

And coughed.

Coughed hard while sitting in an odd position with sore ligaments.

And broke a rib.

Good times.

It hurts like a mother fucker. The best part is that there is nothing I can do. I can take Tylenol. Big whoop.

So, as it turns out, she was right. I should have done this before I was 27. Too bad I didn't even get engaged until then.

Oddly, the discomfort isn't what pisses me off the most. What pisses me off is that crazy woman was right.

Ticker's Good

2007-06-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I missed blogging so much when I was unable to, and now that the ISP is back in order, I'm having trouble with what to say. I mean, there's plenty, I suppose, but is any of it really interesting to anyone but me? I can't say.

Fetal Echo went well today. CC's ticker is in fine working order, far as we can tell at the moment. She was a good girl and didn't move too much while the doc tried to get his pictures. He was pushing SUPER hard on my belly in the general vacinity of my Lovenox injections. Man, ouch. So, now we go in next week for a regular appointment and then in a couple weeks we start fetal monitoring. These last few weeks have gone fast.

Last week I came down with some nasty crud that landed me in the hospital for a day. I was having trouble catching my breath because I was caughing so hard. OB was concerned about my O2 levels, so they kept me while they watched to make sure I was recovering quick enough. I have never had a cold like that. Initially they thought it was strep, but turns out it was just a nasty cold. I'm just today feeling a bit better. Of course, I passed it to Gracie, but she didn't seem to get hit as hard as I did. Thank God for small favors.

Mom & dad are packing their house as I write. They'll drive here with some stuff we're keeping for them and then fly to Malaysia in a couple of weeks. It's going to be sad when they're gone. It's still a plane ride away, and I know we'll still see them as much as we do now, but phone calls won't be as easy and hopping a plane at a moment's notice won't happen. Mom will be back in September to help with Carlie, but we won't see dad until Spring. Sniff, sniff.

Life's really pretty boring at the moment. I have some thoughts about having our third girl, but I don't really know how to put them into words. I'm happy and excited, but I certainly would have been happy with a boy as well. I need to come up with a post to get all that stuff down.

Rach

2007-06-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

How can I catch up if I don't have the info? Can you leave me note with how to get you my e-mail address?

Cooperation

2007-06-07T16:05:00.000-07:00

Only have a sec... But....

PINK!

Miss you.

2007-06-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like a piece of me is missing while I am out of the bloggy loop. My limited time at Panera a couple of times a week doesn't nearly get me caught up and feeling back in the loop with all of you guys. I think the issue is resolved now, unfortunately, it's going to be the 5th before the new company can get things installed and running. For the record, I hate a certain company with the first latter "V" and the last "Erizon". They suck. Well, maybe living in the country sucks for certain things, but they should really never have told me they could pull it off.

Anywho...

I talked the doc into another u/s next week to see if we can get a look between this kid's legs. It feels really frivolous to ask, but dammit, my mom will be here. And, she's moving. To freaking Malaysia. In two weeks. I need to know dammit. I need to know if we can go through what's in the basement for girlies as if we are bringing another home or as if we are sorting for those items to be given away. I need to shop. I need to sort out what's going to happen with the bedroom and whatnot. I NEED TO KNOW.

So there.

We have to buy a lot of stuff. I gave away everything baby related, except a few toys and all of the clothes we have stashed. I don't even have an infant seat or a crib. Did I mention we haven't sold the Vegas house? No? Well, yeah, that would be nice since we are going to have to spend a small fortune on this baby.

Having said that, Father's Day is coming. I did something really silly for Jim and spent way too much money doing it. It's a watch I know he wants but he's been too cheap to buy for himself. He totally deserves it. I want him to have it. I just feel really bad...see previous paragraph. Am I stupid? Wait, don't answer that. We cancelled our vacation, so we didn't have to spend that money. It'll be okay, right?

What else... Oh, I miss you guys. I feel like I have soooo much to catch up on with all of you.

Oh, hey...what do you all think of these names:

Jack James (would have the same initials as Jim)

or

Carlie Ann

?

Talk amongst yourselves....

Here I am!

2007-05-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

This is going to be quick and disjointed. Our ISP is still fouled up. I had to cancel the whole DSL busniness and go back to cable...which is a hassle in itself. Probably be next week before I'm back for real.

*****

Rifle is fine. Was back to himself the next day. I'm chalking it up to total confusion. Atlas (pom) is now not so okay. He's old and I guess being at the kennel was more than his belly could take. His gut got all out of whack and he ended up pretty sick. We've had to cancel our NC trip because I'm scared to leave him again so soon. Some may say I'm nuts for cancelling over a dog, but screw them.

*****

Level II was yesterday. All the parts seem to be right and growing well. It was hard to get a good look at CC's heart, so we'll see that on the fetal echo in a few weeks. Disappointing part was that we didn't get a money shot. Legs were tightly clamped. the U/S tech was not one of those who would go out of her way to try very hard though. We'll have other chances, but I wanted to know yesterday...

*****

I have no idea what's going on with you all. I'm so sorry. I'm going to try and catch up. I think of you all often and hope all is well.

*****

Stupid Vegas house is still for sale. Really puts a cramp on my shopping.

*****

Why does Target only have a lot of cute maternity clothes when I don't need them?

*****

I've grown out of my bras. I went from a nice 34B to a 36C with Gracie and to a 36D with Audrey. I believe I have graduated to a double something.

*****

The maternity swimsuits this year suck.

*****

I'm really not as disappointed about missing vacation as I thought I'd be. Why is that?

*****

I'm hungry and sitting here in Panera Bread is not helping. I'll try and check in again soon.

Dog Help

2007-05-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

I need the help of all you dog people reading.

After 4 days at the kennel while we were in Atlanta, Rifle has completely regressed in his house-training. I cleaned up pee all day yesterday. Not only that, but he's a complete nut. He's tearing things up that he never cared about before (like his bed outside).

Is he just mad at us or excited to be home? Are we really starting at square one? What do I do? We have a trip to NC planned in a few weeks, are we going to do this all over again?

Let me just say, I did expect *some* confusion. He's still a puppy afterall. But this? Not this dog I don't even really recognize.

Help.

Half-baked

2007-05-16T11:18:00.000-07:00

19 weeks. Halfway for me. HB this morning was 150-5ish. I'm going with girl since the men on both sides have notoriously low resting heart rates. I guess we'll find out for sure at the level II next week.

My ISP is still giving me fits. We still have spotty service; some days we wake up and it's there, some days not so much. It's really putting a damper on keeping up with all of you.

Atlanta was nice. My BIL's rental car got broken into while we were there. All the idiot got was 2 blue-tooth headsets and my car charger. Asshole. Well, that and when he broke the window, he did it on the side with Gracie's car seat. Also not a big deal except that he cut himself reaching in and bled all over her seat. So-damn-nasty. Some dirty man's DNA all over my baby's seat. Makes me gag. We bought a new one before the police report was even done.

Even with the car drama, the trip was nice. I really do love that part of Jim's family. They have two great kids and are really neat people to hang out with. They are all so wonderful to Gracie. We're lucky that for the most part, Jim's brothers are great since is Mother is such a whack-job.

By the way, we'll be spending Christmas with the Whack-job. My parents won't be able to come home from Malaysia for the holidays, so we figured we should take the chance to make good on our obligation to the Whack-job. It really is our turn. Well, not really. There is one other brother who should take a turn, but he's ridiculously unreliable, so what's the use. We'll take this chance to unload some of Jim's guilt. I figure I have enough friends near-by that I can bail if I need to. You know, me and my two kids. Ha!

Oh, before I forget... Kathy McC, can you e-mail me your address?

I had stuff I wanted to say. I have spent days having entry after entry pop into my head, but now that I sot down to write one, I got nothing interesting. I know, I keep saying that. I'll do better soon, I promise.

So, um, yeah, I wish I had a good joke or something I could end with. Seems like a good place for a laugh. Maybe you all could share something funny in my comments to entertain all of us? Got a good joke, or a funny story to tell? Have at it.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Back

2007-05-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Well, after a hellish week with no internet thanks to trying to switch from cable to dsl, I'm back. You try and save a buck with a "bundle" and as a bonus you lose all tough with the world at large for a week.

So, Hi! I'm still here.

Hey, I met Kathy McC at Motherhood and Angels!! She's awesome! I wish we were close enough that she could come over for coffee at our leisure! We had fun and I sincerely hope we can do it again. Big brother was in school, but let me tell you,, Kam is a doll! Barely so much as a wimper (I think she may have a totally different kid oon her hands now that his ears are fixed) while we ate a shopped and that smile! Oh, that smile will melt your heart. Fun stuff!

We're going to Atlanta Saturday for Jim's nephew's college "Gradulation", as Gracie says. She's excited about the plane ride and I am excited about the little detour.

Things with CC seem to be okay, as far as I know. Movement is still spotty and only serves to make me nuts. I have one day of feeling CC all the time and then two days of almost nothing. It's going to be the death of me.

I was thinking of all of you during my unplanned internet vacation. Especially you, Catherine. I'm not totally caught up yet, but it seems you have survived the birthdays. I'm still sending you hugs and love.

Off to go catch up!

Panic Attack #1

2007-05-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

And, I only label this "#1" because it's the first to require a trip to the OB's just to hear the heartbeat. I suppose if I had ordered the doppler, I could have avoided this, but I haven't and don't know if I willl even still.

Jim's was out of town last night and we had our first major thunderstorm. Normally, I love to watch the storms pass, but last night must have gotten me; I had the most horrible nightmares. I've gotten lucky with the nightmares really, I had some right after Audrey was born and occassionally since, but last night was relentless.

So, in and out, 155 bpm. Phew. Waiting for results on the quad screen. I guess I'll get those in a few days. All is well with the kid and my belly is showing it.

Spring has finally sprung here. The birds are out, everything is blooming and I think I can finally put all of Gracie's winter stuff in the basement. Thank God, because she had grown out of nearly everything. She's so excited to be wearing her dresses and skirts regularly now.

Totally borning update. Sorry.

2007-04-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

Crap, I just totally typed this whole positive post and then lost it. Crap, crap, crap.

As I was saying...

I was very worried when we started at the OB practice here that we would be lost in the maze. It's a very large practice with ten doctors and easily as many pysician's assistants. I was concerned that after having been with single-doctor practices with both the girls that I would be lost and forced to explain our history at every appointment.

My concerns were totally unfounded. I am happy to report that, to date, not one person has walked into an exam room to see me without having thoroughly reviewed my chart. They've all walked me through where we are at now, what the future holds and everything they're doing to keep us on track. It's been wonderful.

I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but we'll start steroid shots at 28 weeks to help mature CC's lungs and then do an amnio at 36 weeks. If the amnio is good, we deliver the next day. It's looking like we'll have (we hope) a birthday around September 21.

Yesterday's appointment went well. CC's heart rate was good, 155 bpm. The rest is fine, even if my weight has finally started to catch up. I'm up about 6 pounds. Not bad at almost 16 weeks I guess. Still, hard not to notice and panic a little even though I've decided to try and enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can even if it means I gain 50 pounds. I guess I'll take up jogging and Weight Watchers. Can't be helped. The morning sickness seems to have eased and I at least feel human most of the day.

I'm looking forward to the Level II on May 22. Trying to take the time in small chunks. We have a short trip planned for my nephew's graduation in Atlanta from May 12-15, the ultrasound when we got back. Then, we have vacation to North Carolina May 26 - June 2 and then the fetal echo on June 11. Small steps.

Gracie has decided that she has a sister in my tummy and her name will be Juliana. I actually kind of like the name, but we'll see. I think we will give Gracie the chance to help pick out names since she seems to have an opinion. I'm not sold that it's a girl, but could be.

I'm missing my sweet Audrey quite a lot. Someone asked me yesterday how many kids we have and I was too tired to get into it and said one and one on the way. I feel so bad. I have only done that a handful of times. It just doesn't feel right to deny Audrey is part of our family for the sake of sparing the explanation or the feelings of others, but from time to time I get caught in a moment when *I* don't have the enegergy to deal with it. I need to be stronger for my girl.

Good News!

2007-04-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

Finally something positive to read.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070419/hl_nm/nutrition_cocktails_dc;_ylt=Ai5djOUGgnwWji8DQ_aa54PMWM0F

TGIF people. Someone go have a fruity drink for me!

Brainless Idiots

2007-04-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

Gracie and I were out running errands today and decided to pop into Arby*s for lunch before going home. I just love that Chicken Salad sandwich with the apples and grapes. MMMM....

Anywho...

We sit down and nearby are couple of girls (maybe 20) talking. You know how where ever you are there is always one person's voice which can be heard above all the noise. Well, this was her. She was going on and on about pregnancy and all the hassles thereof with her friend listening attentively. I didn't care for the bitching, but hey, it ain't no picnic, I get that, so I thought, well, bitch away.

That is until she started talking about a nasty fight she had with her mother. Don't know how it started but ultimately they were talking about Mother's Day, I think. Anyway, I guess the girl's mom asked what she wanted for Mother's Day and the girl got all pissed saying she's not a Mother until the baby is born. She went on to say that they fought because the girl said that the baby isn't a "real person" until it's born. Well, I guess that's when mom lost it.

Coincidentally, that's when I lost it too.

I mean, first, I absolutely DO NOT understand how anyone could believe that. A pregnant woman in particular. I mean, I realize that I may be a little sensitive, but how could anyone think that way? Not a "real person"? Seriously?

Once the initial shock wore off I started thinking about all of the people I know for whom hearing that conversation would have been heartbreakingly painful. How many people I know who would have burst into tears and fled the building. And then, I was (am) just angry. Just pissed that anyone could be so brainless and stupid. How could anyone say that? Did she really believe it?

I just can't wrap my head around it. Still. I am having a hard time thinking about anything else. I just don't understand.

I didn't say anything to her. I wanted to. There was a time in my life that I would have. But, I sat across from my sweet little girl who was happily eating her chicken and decided that today was not the day. Not with her to see my anger and my hurt; she's certainly seen that enough. So, I quit listening and hoped that they would leave. I felt sorry for the baby that girl carried. Sorry for him/her that it's mother didn't think s/he was real.

They did leave. The dining room was quiet again. My head, however, continues to try and understand. It's loud in my head sometimes.