Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Us

I can't believe I'm doing this. Here goes...

We lost our daughter last September. She was born still at 33 1/2 weeks. My body killed her That's the truth. I am a carrier for a couple of different clotting disorders (which we didn't know before, of course). Those disorders caused her placenta to clot off and eventually it starved her to death. Maybe it's not quite that simple, but in my mind, it is.

Audrey was beautiful just like her sister. I have pictures, but I'm not very fond of them. The night she was born, we weren't thinking about pictures and what we would miss when they took her from us. I wish someone had been there to tell us to do the things we'd regret later. There was a nurse who took a few pictures. It's part of the hospital's procedure... They are awful. What's worse are the pictures that the nurses the next day tried to take to make up for it. They tried so hard, but the pictures show a dead baby. My dead baby. I hate that. I remember her when they first handed her to me. She was warm and pink, so peaceful. I'm choosing to keep that memory. There are times when I have to look at the pictures. They're all I have left of my daughter.

So, this journal is about our journey to a better place. We're trying again. I hate that phrase though. It feels like that invalidates Audrey's life. I don't know what's right though, so that's that.

Today is the first fertile day of the first cycle that we're really going to give it a go. I'm not sure how I feel about it. For months, I've said that I can't wait. For the last few days, I've been dying to try out the OPK's that I have under the bathroom sink.

Today, I'm scared to death.

1 Comments:

  • At 4:25 AM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    Will you be on the heparin shots during your next pregnancy? I can't remember where you found my blog, but I know of a really great group on Yahoo groups that formed specifically to talk about APA and pregnancy. Let me know if you would like the e-mail address. I originally tested positive myself and went out and found out EVERYTHING there was to know about it, and then found out that I tested false positive. But supposedly with the treatment, there is a really good success rate.

     

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