Ta-Da!

Okay, the name. This is always a huge issue in this house. I maintain that my husband tends to have more opinions than I am comfortable with. The name thing is no exception. Too many opinions. If I play the I-should-name-her-because-I-have-to-carry/deliver-her card, he plays the that's-not-fair card. It's a no-win for me.

After much debate, the name is chosen. We didn't let it out too much because initially (according to Jim) we're just trying it on and it may change. So far, it's sticking and since we have already gotten things with her name on them, done deal.

So, her name shall be.... Julie Mae.

Julie, mostly because we agreed on it and both generally like it. We have the Julie Andrews factor. I know she isn't what you would call one of the old Hollywood Glamour Girls, but she was beautiful and certainly graceful and lovely. The Mae could be partly for Mae West, you know, a little brassy and no-bull-shit never hurt anyone. But, mostly is for my grandmother. My dad's mom was born on the day this little one will be born, January 7. Her name was Ethel Mae. God knows Ethel is awful, she always hated it. Knowing her, she would find a way to come back and get me if I even dared use the Ethel. So, we used the Mae, in her honor.

Coincidentally, she is the grandma I have mentioned before who loved children but struggled for many years and had many, many losses (15 total, mostly 2nd tri, some later than that, one shortly after a premature birth) before she had my aunt and then my dad. She was in her 40's (42, I think) when my dad was born. In 1954, that was old, old.

So, Julie Mae it is. Short and sweet is my favorite. She is our little Bonus, a surprise we never expected, but now a surprise that is much anticipated and loved.

In other news...

Yeah, there's no other news. Nat is two. Bonus Baby still doesn't have a name. We've tried on a few but nothing seems to stick. We've all been sick in rotation for the better part of four weeks. I'm pretty much done dealing with that mess. I need us all to get healthy so we can have a life again that doesn't involve mass quantities of Kleenex and Tylenol.

Jim has been working more than usual (I would not have believe that was possible considering his usual hours). I'm trying to be grateful because, you know, he has a job. Lots of people are strugglung right now. That doesn't always work out because, wahhhhh, I'm sick. They are sick. And, wahhhh, I'm tired. And, also, I would like to take a shower without company. Or something. But, again, I'm trying to be grateful.

All this being sick and staying home has really helped me get some closets cleaned out. The girls' are much better. My bathroom closet is much better. My closet, eh, not quite there yet. I don't know if I will ever tackle the basement. Maybe I'll procrastinate and do the pantry next. Oh, the choices...

We need to transition Nat into a bed. I want her to be comfortable in her room with Grace long before Bonus Baby comes. Time is quickly running out. I want to get their room organized and all set with both of their things in it. That is a chore. I have the space, but it's going to take some major re-organizing. I need to get a closet organizer put in that closet, but ohmygod are they expensive to do. I only got one quote, but I nearly passed out. If Jim were handier, I'd make him do it. Sadly, he's just not that handy. Oh, and he's never home.

So, hey, you're all caught up. Wasn't that exciting? Admit it, you were on the edge of your seat the whole time.

I knew it.

Happy Birthday

Hi Sweetie-

It's your fifth birthday! I can't believe it's been that long since I held you. I think of all the things you'd be doing this year and my mind boggles. It hardly seems possible. We're going to put your flowers out tonight. We're going to the place where your friends Madison and Brody are. I wonder if you've met them. I don't know if the Universe works that way or not. I haven't really figured all of that out yet.

Your sisters and I are making your cupcakes too! We're making piggies! I'll try to take pictures. I'm not very good about all that. I hope you get to enjoy them vicariously!

I bet you already knew that you have a new sister coming. I suppose you may have known before we did. She has been a real surprise. I have to confess that I'm scared about it. I don't know how I'll manage with three girls to take care of. I guess it's like when I was worried about you coming so close to your sister. I wish now that I could have had the chance to figure all that out. Life is funny sometimes.

I miss you baby. I wish you were here. I think of you all the time. You're in my heart and always on my mind.

Love You,
Mommy

The Other Side

I mentioned before (I think) that a friend down the street lost a baby girl in January. They have had many miscarriages and they keep hoping for a baby to bring home. She and I discovered our pregnancies at the same time. We have both been cautiously optimistic.

Yesterday she was admitted to the local hospital dialated to 2-3. She had been bleeding and her amniotic sac was bulging. An ultrasound yesterday revealed this baby to be a boy. Last night they thought they had it under control, but this morning she is bleeding heavily and contracting. Things are very grim.

I don't know what to do. As I've thought about being the pregnant one left to face the friend who is likely to lose her baby, I don't know what to do. I wonder what I can do to help. I kept their older daughter last night so that her husband could be at the hospital with her. I have told them to tell me what I can do going forward.

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking for them. I feel like I am a horrible reminder of what is not going right for them. You would think that I could draw on my own experience and know what to do. I do not.

When we discovered we were pregnant and doing this together, I could only think how horrible it would be for one of us to have it end badly. We did not plan this baby and I have often thought what the hell am I doing and how am I going to manage my life now. And yet, here is my friend, losing a baby that they have so wanted. Already having had the horrible experiences that some of us know all to well, and I am at a total loss.

I want to hide. I just don't know what to do. I am scared.

Edited to add:

She has started bleeding and contracting heavily. Her amniotic sac has broken. An epidural is on its way. It's over. She's 19 weeks, 3 days. Another teeny casket. I hate this.

So, I knew we were having a girl. Imean, after three, can you really expect anything else? I don't think so. Iam totally fine with it. Happy even. Iknow what girls are like, I knowhow those bits work. After seeing my nephew, I was scared todeath about learning what to do with boy-parts. This is good.

Jim is fine too. He makes a great girl-daddy. I think he may even make a better girl-daddy than he would have a boy-daddy. The Universe seemed toknow it too.

I'm starting to feel more consistent movement. It's great. I love that part. I wish the pukey part would end. Crap, I'm almost 19 weeks. You'd think it would be over. It is...mostly, but I still have moments.

Grace started first grade today. It seems surreal and normal all at once. I'm not sure how tht works, but it is what it is. They really do grow too fast.

Mystery Solved

Daughter #4 is on her way. Everything looks like it's where it should be and working well. So far so good.

Where was I?

Oh, right. I suck. That's right.

So, I'm 15 weeks and a few days. This is really the part I hate most. I'm sick of feeling sick. I have gained about 10 pounds and I don't get the joy of feeling the baby move and it's too early to know boy or girl so Jim won't even discuss names yet.

Level II ultrasound is the 27th. So, I wait until then.

In the meantime, I ask myself how the hell am I going to manage this family. There are days now, with only Nat and Grace that I go to bed and feel like the world's worst mother. How many more of them will there be when I'm juggling a newborn?I'm seriously wondering WTF I was thinking way back when when I said "eh, one more would be cool." Could I have been more of an idiot?

I know, I know. I hear you alll yelling hatred at me for saying that because, yes, I know. I'm lucky. I'm grateful. We never thought this owuld happen after everythjing it took to get Natalie here. I am. But OMG...WTF am I going to do?





Here. Maybe this will make up for that last bit. Here, have this.

Nat on her first bike.