Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Crap, I just totally typed this whole positive post and then lost it. Crap, crap, crap.

As I was saying...

I was very worried when we started at the OB practice here that we would be lost in the maze. It's a very large practice with ten doctors and easily as many pysician's assistants. I was concerned that after having been with single-doctor practices with both the girls that I would be lost and forced to explain our history at every appointment.

My concerns were totally unfounded. I am happy to report that, to date, not one person has walked into an exam room to see me without having thoroughly reviewed my chart. They've all walked me through where we are at now, what the future holds and everything they're doing to keep us on track. It's been wonderful.

I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but we'll start steroid shots at 28 weeks to help mature CC's lungs and then do an amnio at 36 weeks. If the amnio is good, we deliver the next day. It's looking like we'll have (we hope) a birthday around September 21.

Yesterday's appointment went well. CC's heart rate was good, 155 bpm. The rest is fine, even if my weight has finally started to catch up. I'm up about 6 pounds. Not bad at almost 16 weeks I guess. Still, hard not to notice and panic a little even though I've decided to try and enjoy this pregnancy as much as I can even if it means I gain 50 pounds. I guess I'll take up jogging and Weight Watchers. Can't be helped. The morning sickness seems to have eased and I at least feel human most of the day.

I'm looking forward to the Level II on May 22. Trying to take the time in small chunks. We have a short trip planned for my nephew's graduation in Atlanta from May 12-15, the ultrasound when we got back. Then, we have vacation to North Carolina May 26 - June 2 and then the fetal echo on June 11. Small steps.

Gracie has decided that she has a sister in my tummy and her name will be Juliana. I actually kind of like the name, but we'll see. I think we will give Gracie the chance to help pick out names since she seems to have an opinion. I'm not sold that it's a girl, but could be.

I'm missing my sweet Audrey quite a lot. Someone asked me yesterday how many kids we have and I was too tired to get into it and said one and one on the way. I feel so bad. I have only done that a handful of times. It just doesn't feel right to deny Audrey is part of our family for the sake of sparing the explanation or the feelings of others, but from time to time I get caught in a moment when *I* don't have the enegergy to deal with it. I need to be stronger for my girl.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Good News!

Finally something positive to read.;_ylt=Ai5djOUGgnwWji8DQ_aa54PMWM0F

TGIF people. Someone go have a fruity drink for me!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Brainless Idiots

Gracie and I were out running errands today and decided to pop into Arby*s for lunch before going home. I just love that Chicken Salad sandwich with the apples and grapes. MMMM....


We sit down and nearby are couple of girls (maybe 20) talking. You know how where ever you are there is always one person's voice which can be heard above all the noise. Well, this was her. She was going on and on about pregnancy and all the hassles thereof with her friend listening attentively. I didn't care for the bitching, but hey, it ain't no picnic, I get that, so I thought, well, bitch away.

That is until she started talking about a nasty fight she had with her mother. Don't know how it started but ultimately they were talking about Mother's Day, I think. Anyway, I guess the girl's mom asked what she wanted for Mother's Day and the girl got all pissed saying she's not a Mother until the baby is born. She went on to say that they fought because the girl said that the baby isn't a "real person" until it's born. Well, I guess that's when mom lost it.

Coincidentally, that's when I lost it too.

I mean, first, I absolutely DO NOT understand how anyone could believe that. A pregnant woman in particular. I mean, I realize that I may be a little sensitive, but how could anyone think that way? Not a "real person"? Seriously?

Once the initial shock wore off I started thinking about all of the people I know for whom hearing that conversation would have been heartbreakingly painful. How many people I know who would have burst into tears and fled the building. And then, I was (am) just angry. Just pissed that anyone could be so brainless and stupid. How could anyone say that? Did she really believe it?

I just can't wrap my head around it. Still. I am having a hard time thinking about anything else. I just don't understand.

I didn't say anything to her. I wanted to. There was a time in my life that I would have. But, I sat across from my sweet little girl who was happily eating her chicken and decided that today was not the day. Not with her to see my anger and my hurt; she's certainly seen that enough. So, I quit listening and hoped that they would leave. I felt sorry for the baby that girl carried. Sorry for him/her that it's mother didn't think s/he was real.

They did leave. The dining room was quiet again. My head, however, continues to try and understand. It's loud in my head sometimes.

Friday, April 13, 2007


As seen on a sign in front of the car wash (of all places):

Hope means risking despair.

No shit.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


This is my kicthen window feeder. I love watching these guys come up. They ar the only two brave enough to hang out while I grab the camera. The titmouse likes to open his sunflower seeds by banging them on the window. Which, makes the dogs lose their minds because they think someone is at the door.
It was funny the first couple of times...

Monday, April 09, 2007

Still Alive

So, how was your Easter? Wanna see how mine was?

That was when I got up to let the dogs out at 7:00 AM. That is SNOW people. It didn't get any better through the day. No cute Easter dresses, no outside egg hunt...just snow. In freaking April. WTF? Welcome to the mid-Atlantic.

You know, for the last week I have post after post swirling in my head and yet, I never posted anything. Nothing was good enough once I was home at my keyboard. Sorry.

CC is fine and his/her heartbeat was found with the doppler at this morning's appointment. I did ask about my renting a doppler. They said fine but suggested I wait until 20 weeks. HA! What are they smoking, it's on my list to do today. I was just waiting for one of them to find it first. Puhlease. 20 weeks. Whatever.

Level II ultrasound is scheduled for May 22 and the Fetal Echo for June 11. They both seem like eons away. I guess it will sneak up on me, but for now, sheesh, that seems like forever.

So, um, that's all in my boring life. Oh, I have closets to clean out and laundry to put away. My sweet, wonderful daughter has grown out of all of her winter clothes. You know, because she has high-waters, Old Man Winter has decided to hang on just a little longer. I hate it when I see kids wearing high-waters. Makes me nuts. I was one of those kids and I HATED IT! We do a lot of tucking-in the boots. Gracie has a lot of really cute stuff for Spring...think it will ever get here?
Okay, someone please tell me you think this is as funny as I did:
We had dinner with some friends yesterday. They had also invited several others. The discussion somehow turned to local colleges and universities and it was said how lucky we are so have so many wonderful schools nearby. One in particular... It is now co-ed but used to be an all girls school. An all girls school called... BEAVER. I spit my tea all over the table laughing so hard.
The thing is that I was the only one laughing. Who are these people?!
PS...I have tried to edit the spacing in the last few paragraphs a dozen times. Blogger sucks. I give up.