Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

See ya

Tomorrow we leave for my brother's and from there head off for the Atlantic City trip. I expect there will be some new babies here when I return. I will try and check in as time (and an internet connection) permits.


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Blog Challenge

Do you still keep in contact with your childhood/teenage friends? If not, what is the reason(s)? Do you find that since you've become an adult, that your desire for friendships have decreased? Or do you find that you connect better with a different type of friend than the ones you had growing up?

At one point, I was in touch with two of the friends I had growing up. Now, it's only really one.

One girlfriend I met in Jr. High sort of disappeared after Audrey was born. We were pregnant at the same time (due within 2 weeks of each other) and the day I called her to tell her Audrey was gone, she never returned my call. I got an e-mail from her saying she was sorry, but it was too hard for her to deal given she was due in a few weeks. I did see her once after that, but I rarely hear from her now. I don't know if her life got too hectic after her second baby came, or if dealing with me was just too painful. Maybe she thinks that my being involved with her would be too painful for me. I don't really know.

The other friend is only recently married and doesn't have any kids. We've known each other since high school, but we've always had a relationship where we would talk every couple of weeks or so and pick up right where we left off. I see her a couple of times a year, tops.

I suppose my problem is partly, we moved a lot when I was a kid and I just never really had the time to develop friendships that would last. Also, I never really learned how to cultivate that kind of relationship. I learned early that friends didn't last long because we'd be moving soon (we always did) and there was no reason to get attached to anyone. It was just too sad to leave when you got too close.

As an adult, I struggle to be a good friend. I have a hard time staying in touch with people and getting too close. I struggle to stay emotionally involved. My mom jokes that I didn't have a very good teacher because she doesn't have a lot of friends who have been around for years. The few she does have are ones that she talks to only a few times a year and sees very seldom.

I have a few good friends that I've met as an adult, but life gets complicated and those relationships certainly ebb and flow. It's more a meeting of families. The husbands have to have some sort of connection and the kids all have to get along or it just doesn't work. I have a few of those relationships, but only a couple that I could seeing lasting long term and being able to endure changes in a move if we were to have to leave Vegas.

I suppose when all is said and done, I have only myself to blame. I tend to worry that my problems are a burden to others so when life gets tough for me, I turn inward and try not to rely on anyone, lest I burden them with my crap. These days I find myself doing that more and more.

In the end, I think the folks I have 'met' through TLOL and this blog are people in the world who know my inner-workings better than any 'real-life' friends I have. Maybe it's safer and there is less pressure this way. I don't really understand it.

That was a tough challenge! Now, maybe you all should try that one! Phew!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Bad Mommy-ness

I dropped something a minute ago.

Gracie yelled...DAMMIT.


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Taking a Mental Health Month

I've tried to post this twice today; freaking Blogger.

I asked for good news, something good, in my last post and we've gotten a little since then. Jim's gotten good news on the job front and he will be making another trek to Atlantic City on the second. The Company has asked that I go along to check out the area. I suppose that means they're feeling pretty good about his employment and we will likely be asked to move to Atlantic City.

Moving is good for me. I hate this place we live. It's as hot as hell and that is not really an exaggeration. Too damn hot and too damn boring. When you live in Las Vegas, you don't spend a lot of time on the Strip. Especially if you have kids. With only a few exceptions, it's just not super kid-friendly. Jim likes it here, but I'm done. You can't take weekend trips because you can't drive anywhere in less tan 4 hours. We're totally land-locked.

So, I will take that good news for the moment and be grateful.

We've decided to take a month off with TTC. I want to be able to drink leaded coffee and tea guilt-free and I would love to have more than a sip of champagne at my brother's wedding next week. Well, now with the trip tp AC, there's more incentive. Gracie will be staying with my mom & dad (who happen to be in town for the afore mentioned wedding, so the timing is perfect!). Mommy and Daddy will get a much anticipated few days away and Mommy will even get to have a few drinks! Wahoo!

My brain (and body) just needed a rest. I need a month to not stress wondering what-if. I may still wonder, but it already feels like the pressure is off. I'm also going to try and lose a few pounds so I can feel better about myself.

We'll see how that last one goes...!

Monday, July 17, 2006


It seems like every cycle has a reason that 'it' should be 'the one'. This one should be it because... Because my due date would be Gracie's birthday... Because I'm ovulating on the same day we conceived Audrey... Because my dear friend Meredith ( ) just announced her long awaited pregnancy (and it looks like this one's going to stick!) and we lost babies in September of '04, so this would only make it all okay...


Spot showed today. I was letting myself get all hopeful again. You know, because this should have been it. 'Cept it's not.

I'm so tired of it not being my turn. I'm hurt. Gracie is now asking about baby brothers and sisters. She keeps talking about her sister Audrey in Heaven. She was talking about it yesterday and had both her dad and I in tears at lunch yesterday.

I'm tired of crying because bad stuff happens. I want to cry for something good. I need a good cry. I need the kind that happens because you're happy and relieved and ready to start something new and exciting. I'm sick of being sad and unhappy.

I don't know what's next. I need a break.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I will not obsess...

What a lie.

I didn't temp this month. I'm still happy with that decision. I'm sleeping better than I did last month. I like it. But it's 7dpo (according to my fertility monitor) and I'm starting to stress about what the end result will be. I'm trying really hard not to, but it's really just impossible.

Jim left this morning for a job interview in New Jersey. I hope it goes well. It's the second interview, I hope they give him some indication of what they think and what's next. It could mean a move there, but I'm okay with that. I'm not wedded to this place, so if we move, it's an adventure. Meredith, is it far? Maybe we could visit! Anyway, here's hoping that works out. It's been nice having him to do laundry, but I'm really kind of sick of getting up and getting ready for work while he sleeps. I am just sick of the extra stress. Ugh.

So, that's really all. No big news, nothing to report. Just waiting. Again.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Blog Challenge

I am....Tired
I want...A sibling for Gracie
I have...Tried for a lng time
I wish...It would happen soon
I hate...That I'm still trying
I miss....Audrey
I love...My girls
I despise...Brussels Sprouts
I never...Say never
I always...Keep trying
I sleep...Not enough
I sing...All the time
I dance...HA! Never
I try...Really hard
I go...To work everyday
I can't...Get over the death of my daughter
I can...Keep going...I hope.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Our July 4

5:30 am - Woken up by as nasty thunderstorm. Holy shit, it's loud. 2" of rain. Crap. We have 30 people coming for a the pool. Crap.

6:30 am - Peak day on the fertility monitor. Warn Jim that when the guests go home, we have business to take care of...wink, wink.

9:00 am - Throw on clothes & go get breakfast.

12:00 pm - Grocery store. Grab a bin of potato salad and watermelon on a whim.

1:00 pm - Gracie down for nap.

2:00 pm - Jim slamming doors going in and out, Gracie wakes up...cranky as hell.

3:00 pm - 2 guests call to cancel. Shit...I realize they were to bring side dishes. Crap. Glad i bought the watermelon and potato salad.

3:30 pm - Gracie says head hurts. Give her two Tylenol, seems fine.

4:00 pm - Guests begin to arrive & Jim starts drinking. Mental note: don't let him drink too much or there will be no performance after the party.

5:00 - 7:00 pm - Party! Fun, fun!

7:30 pm - yell at kids in spa with no parents to get out. Slip on step and destroy back. Ouch. Crap.

3:30 - 10:00 pm - Never sit down. Not even to eat. Also, forget to monitor husband's alcohol consumption.

9:00 pm - Fireworks. Pretty! Gracie starts to act puny again. Temp is 101.9. Damn. Give Motrin.

9:30 pm - Firworks over. You people need to go home. Gracie goes to bed.

10:00 pm - Cleaning up, people leaving. Damn, my back hurts. Good party though. Husband is happy. Should have been a clue.

10:50 pm - Remind husband that we have a date. Turn on Playboy channel (yes, it's come to that again).

11:50 pm - Husband confesses he *may* have had too much to drink. I realize after an hour of acrobatics, we are never going to 'finish'. So pissed. Tired. Did I mention pissed?

12:45 am - May have finally gone to sleep. Too busy thinking about the asshole blowing a whole GD cycle over some beer.