Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Dr. Baby Maker

Appointment went fine. I stop taking the pill on Friday and wait for AF to start. Call him on day one and come in for blood work and a physical on day 3. He said that the actual IVF cycle won't start until October because all the blood work has to be sent to a main lab for the study and it take 2 weeks to process.

I would be upset about that except that my mom & dad live outside of New Orleans...On the wrong side of New Orleans for Katrina...Their house is likely gone along with everything they own. This time last year they were running from Ivan and I was losing Audrey. Dejavu...

It looks like the storm went right over their house, we have no idea what's left. I think the three of us are going to drive out there on the 16th and see if we can salvage anything. We'll pull a U-Haul and bring tons of water, some staples to eat and a few gas cans in case we cannot get gas. My dad works on a rig in the gulf and has to go back on the 21st. So, we'll get him to the heliport and mom & I will drag back whatever we can find. Hopefully, we'll get there, the house will be okay and we can secure it, grab the important stuff and head back. They can't stay there, it's going to be Christmas before they have power. Thankfully they have septic and well water, but the power runs the well, so no luck. I figure if we leave the 16th, we can plow through the drive, get there by the 18th, have 2 days to grab what we can and then dump dad at the heliport and drive back.

Wish us luck.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Welcome Baby SSB!

Kenna! You did it! He's a doll. Congratulations!

Now get him weaned so you can come to Vegas.

Boring Me

I just don't have much to say, I guess. I read and catch up with all of you, but I must just not have anything exciting to add.

We see Dr. BM on Wednesday, so maybe I'll be excited then...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Finally, we catch a break

Well, we caught two actually.

One, the tumah, was totally benign. We knew that, but it was nice that the labs came back to confirm it. We are quite happy.

Two, well, I guess it could be three, but there was one piece of bad news, so 3 minus 1 is 2... The stitches that I thought looked nasty, the doc pronounced as okay. I have to go back in a week for a re-check, but he says they look good. As he explained all of that and showed us pictures from the surgery, he revealed that as they were working, they found I have endometriosis. They lasered off what they could find, but he thinks it's been part of our issue. I guess I'm one of the 20% who has it and has relatively few symptoms. As he explained it, he said that it didn't make us such great candidates for IUI as before, so he thought we should consider IVF. My heart sank.

UNTIL, he followed it with the news that the clinic has been made part of a study testing the differences between progesterone injections and vaginal suppositories. The drug company sponsoring it is paying for all the drugs (which I already have, but if it doesn't work, we can use next time, but I really hope I can toss) as well as the IVF treatment costs for the clinic. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!??? Dr. Baby Maker asked us to participate in the study so we could get the free round!!! Oh-My-God.

It's all totally the same except that I will get the vaginal progesterone instead of the injection. I am so totally stoked. Jim nearly hit the floor when Dr. BM asked us. I wanted to kiss him...The doctor, not Jim. We have to get the all clear on the post op next week and then I will go off the pill and wait for my period. I can hardly believe it. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me.

I am so happy.

Monday, August 22, 2005


That's how I feel. I shouldn't. We've had a pretty good week. But, alas...I do.

We had a perfectly lovely dinner with some dear friends tonight. It was fabulous. Good food, good wine and great company. The only part that was hard is that she's due to have a baby in a few days. I'm jealous. Really, that's what it comes down to. I love her to pieces, but I'm miserably jealous.

I have to go see Dr. Baby Maker tomorrow. I was supposed to go Thursday, but a few of my stitches are particularlt nasty looking, so I need him to take a gander. I'm sure it's no biggie, but when I looked at them tonight and they were all oozey and red, I thought I better let him have a look.

Oh, well, I guess the week hasn't been so great.

One of our dogs bit Gracie Saturday night. That sucks ass. He got her good. She deserved it, but he's not trustworthy, so I've got to find him a new home. I think he's just one of those dogs who was meant for adults and not for children. The day was coming, I shouldn't have been surprised. I guess I was in denial. No more, he's gone. Bums me out. I've had him for six years, but the fact is that I could never look my daughter in the face if I kept him and he did it again. If he left a scar, I would forever look at it and blame myself. Bye-bye doggie.

So, I'm a shitty blogger. I guess I just haven't had much to say. I'll try to be better. Don't hate me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

All is Well

I got home yesterday afternoon. The popped the thing out (size of a grapefruit) through my belly button (it's very sore). It looks like nothing to worry about. I get to go back to see Dr. Baby Maker in a week to start my fertility drugs.

I still feel pretty pukey. That's been the worst part.

Thank God it's over.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

We're Off to See the, Surgeon

Well, this is it. We're off. I'll update as soon as possible.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Can't Sleep

We have had the craziest thunderstorm all day today. It's rained, it's hailed, it's rained some more. It's crazy. Really. And now, everyone is asleep and I'm wide awake listening to the rain and trying to run through the next few days in my head.

I'm trying really hard not to over-react and jump to any conclusions. We have no reason to think that we are dealing with anything but a silly old cyst that every woman gets. But, I can't help but wonder about the 'what-ifs'. In less than 48 hours, we will (hopefully) have all the answers and they will all be good. I hope I won't still be in the hospital. I hope they will let me come home. I hope the surgery is not invasive and that they can leave me all my parts. I hope that when it's all over we can look back and just be grateful it's done and not worried about the road ahead.

I find myself being more reflective than I usually am. I am usually one of those people who doesn't like to look back, only forward. You learn your lessons, and you move on. I guess if life has taught me anything in the last year, it's that there's always something that will make you look back. I have Audrey. I will always look back and wonder if September 16, 2004 had been different in any way, would my baby girl still be here. Would Gracie have her sister and what would we be doing differently today?

I think about the last time I remember a good swift kick, the last appointment we had with Dr. M where her heart was going strong on the ultrasound screen. I think about what Gracie would be like today of her sister were still alive. Would she be a different kid because she had to start sharing her parents? Really, that's an honest question, right?

How would my life be different today if Audrey were here right now and asleep in her crib?

I wish I knew.

Friday, August 12, 2005


Now I get junk mail in my guestbook?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I guess I never mentioned it...

The "tumah" (Ha Lauralu!) is getting bigger everyday. We're so proud. No, really it is and I'm really sick of it. I have surgery scheduled for the 16th. I'm looking forward to getting past that date and moving on.

I did most of my pre-op stuff today. I have to go do a pregnancy test the day before surgery (Nice, huh? As if that isn't adding insult to injury.). I'm really just counting the days. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm in the middle of moving out of my home office and into a "real" office and we get the keys Monday. I took all of next week off because the day before surgery (Monday) I have to spend the day by the toilet on a lovely clear liquid diet and a giant bottle of liquid laxative. I'm so thrilled.

Isn't my life so glamorous?!

Gracie Girl

The new Ben Folds CD has a song on it called Gracie that I am in love with. It's just such an amazing way to put into words what we feel about watching our kids grow up. Gracie constantly wants to hear "her song", we play it in the car all the time. Actually, the whole Saving Silverman CD is great. There are several songs I love, but this one takes the cake.


You can’t fool me I saw you when you came out
You've got your mamma’s taste but you got my mouth
And you will always have a part of me
Nobody else is ever gonna see Gracie girl
With your cards to your chest
Walking on your toes
What you got in the box
Only Gracie knows
And I would never try to make you be
Anything you didn’t really want to be Gracie girl
Life flies by in seconds
You’re not a baby Gracie, you're my friend
You’ll be a lady soon
But until then
You gotta do what I say
Nodding off in my arms watching TV
I won’t move you an inch even though my arm’s asleep
One day you’re gonna want to go
I hope we taught you everything you need to know Gracie girl
And you will always have a part of me
Nobody else is ever going to see but you and me
A little girl My Gracie girl

Saturday, August 06, 2005

How Dry I Am...

Went on a little bender last night. B and C came over with the girls and we grilled and drank many, many margaritas with the little floater of Grand Mariner. Yummy. They were really tall glasses and I had a lot of them. It was great. It went to bed with that feeling of not remembering why I was so stressed out at the beginning of the evening.

At one point Jim was trying to be very intellectual, discussing his college days and made mention of their mascot...he went to Carolina...the mascot is a gamecock. The rest of us were lit enough that we just started dying yelling "Jim said cock, Jim said cock..." I don't really know why that was so funny now. Maybe because my poor husband is such a nerd or because of the margaritas. Ahhh, everything's funnier after a little booze!

So, the house was pretty destroyed this morning. The recycle bin is full of empty liquor and beer bottles. There were empty drink glasses everywhere. I just noticed that the patio is destoyed too. More glasses there. How many people did we have over? Sheesh. You'd think it was some sort of high school party when mom & dad were out of town!

B had little K with her. Around 9, it was clear no one was driving, but K needed bed. I cleaned out Audrey's crib and had B put her down in there. We had a good cry while she insisted we not put her there and I insisted she did. It seemed silly to risk putting her on a bed when there is a perfectly useful and ready to go crib here. My heart did break a little. B's did too. It was much harder to put all of Audrey's things back in this morning than it was to take them out last night. Maybe because taking them out meant there was actually a little person sleeping in there rather than putting Audrey's ashes back in there this morning.

I guess the morning after is always harder...

Friday, August 05, 2005


I'm sending you all the strength and love I can muster. I left you a message. I'll be here when you're ready and whenever you need me. I know what it is to have people be impressed by your strength when you feel so weak and know there is no strength. I know you do it because you have been given no choice.


Monday, August 01, 2005

Met with the Oncologist...

You know, when you deal with sick, like really sick, people, you'd think it would make you more sensitive and nice to your patients. Nope, the oncologist was mean and had an ego the size of a house. I hated her. I hate her.

The surgery is scheduled for August 16. She doesn't anticipate finding a malignancy, but they have no idea what this thing really is or how invasive it really is. They think it's wrapped around my ovary and chances are fair that I won't leave the OR with that part of my body... I know it's not a leg or arm and that I can still get pregnant with one ovary, but hey, I'd like to leave the world with all the parts I came in with. Well, except my tonsils, I lost those years ago. Do they really count anyway?

My doc is trying to get the surgery moved up. He wasn't keen to the idea of letting this thing get bigger for two more weeks, so we'll see if that date changes.