Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


My Aunt had a hysterectomy Monday. Same day my dog got neutered. Is it bad that I called her Sunday and told her Rifle wasn't nervous about getting his balls whacked off, she should be fine with getting her guts jerked out. Thank God she laughed.


I was on my way to McDonald's with Gracie yesterday (her choice, not mine), we got on the freeway and I started to gag. Puking was next. So, I pulled over, puked and then went straight to McDonald's and got a Big & Tasty with fries. I realize that only a pregnant woman could do that.


I accidentally found myself looking at crib bedding yesterday and found the most adorable crib set that has sock monkeys on it. I totally love it. I cannot buy it.


We finally have some nice weather. I love to open my windows. We haven't put our bug screens on yet. I moved from the desert. There really aren't many flying bugs in the desert. I lost count of how many flies I killed last night. Jim was still killing them this morning. It's really grossing me out. I think they are all dead now, but ewwwww. I had NO idea. Live and learn I guess.


It's 5:00 PM. I have been sitting on the sofa eating saltines since 2:00 PM. I have NO idea what's for dinner. But, I'm hungry. I'm pretty sure I don't even have anything to cook. Maybe it's a soup and grilled cheese night.


When my parents left for Malaysia, we inherited their dog. You know, cuz what we needed is one more. He's a long haired chihuahua. We have big birds here. I saw a hawk on the side of the road eating a rabbit bigger than Meximelt (not his real name). I'm scared to death he's going to get carried off. Can you hear that overseas phone call? "Um, dad, well, you see, he had to pee, so I put him out...and, well, um, there was this hawk, and well, he was hungry....and well, um, we live in the country and we are surrounded by woods..." Great, more stress.


Gracie left the living room 30 minutes ago and I just realized I'm still watching Sesame Street.


I need to get out in the flower beds and make them prettier. I have window boxes out front that need to be planted. Anyone want to volunteer their services? I'll feed you dinner. We're having soup & grilled cheese.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


The offer sucked. We countered, but they've said theer's another house they want to go look at.

Monday, March 26, 2007


Wow, sorry about the beginning of that last post. I didn't intend on freaking anyone. Oops. So far so good.

Since they started me back on the progesterone injections, I feel better. I don't really know if one has anything to do with the other though. In fact, I thought higher progesterone = sicker. But, on Friday my levels had gotten really low because I have been unable to choke down the stupid prometrium. The injections are no fun, but whatever it takes. And, I feel better, so hey, good times.

In other news... We are supposed to be getting an offer on the Vegas house. Our agent called us yesterday and said she had gotten a call that there was one coming in. So far it hasn't materialized. Don't know what the hold up is. I wish they'd get a move on. I would love nothing more than to unload that boat anchor.

Oh, similar subject since it's our agent's daughter... The day after I posted about the baby furniture and getting no recognition, we got a thank you card from the snotty daughter. It was short, but better than nothing. I guess I just needed to put my irritation out into the universe and...viola! Whatever.

Rifle is at the vet today getting his balls whacked. Poor guy. He had no idea. He was so excited to get in the car and so excited when we got out. That lasted until I handed his leash off to the Vet Tech. Then, the tail went between the legs and he started shivering.

So yeah, boring post (again).

Oh, I just want it noted for the record that the whole IVF and then C-Section thing makes explaining how the baby got there and how he/she will get out much, much easier. Gracie finally got curious and asked how the baby got in my belly and how it will get out. I totally chumped out. I didn't want to have the "talk" with my four year old. She know Dr. BM and she knows the scar on my tummy. I told her Dr. BM put the baby there and that it would come out through my tummy. I didn't lie! (How pathetic) I know that is totally going to screw her up though. Just one more way I have f-ed up my kid.

I guess that's what therapy is for. Thank God we have decent insurance.

Friday, March 23, 2007

OB Appt. Update

Well, after trying for 10 minutes to find a heartbeat with the doppler, we went to the ultrasound room. I knew at 11 weeks it would be very likely that we would not find it with the doppler. I was not surprised, but I was still completely freaked and anxious walking into the ultrasound room. All the events of the day we found out Audrey was gone came rushing in. The nurse trying really hard to find something with the ultrasound machine and saying over and over, I think I got it only to find nothing. Going to a new room with a better machine. The whole bit.

Thank God that today, we found the heartbeat with the ultrasound. We saw CC move, we saw its heart flicker. All is well.

The PA was awesome. She was with me the whole time. She didn't waste any time at all getting into the ultrasound room. Everyone was great. No one was patronizing or looking at me like I was the crazy mother. They all said that anytime I have anxiety to just come in and that I would never leave their office without knowing what was going on. If they couldn't find it with the doppler, they would always do the ultrasound. I don't want to be the nut job and they went a long way to making me feel a little less nutty.

The all-fucking-day-sickness continues. It caught me off guard today and I puked in the kitchen sink. Nice, huh? Anyone want me to cook them dinner? I promise I cleaned it. I guess I just over did it this morning and I'm paying for it now. I didn't even get the floors mopped. Cest la vie.

The dogs are making me nuts. They have not gotten enough exercise, so they are totally out of control. I need a dog walker. Rifle is outside barking his fool head off at the moment. I'd make Jim do it, but he's not even on the state for the last two days. The nerve.

They tried stopping all of my hormones, but my progesterone level went way too low. I'm off of everything but 1 cc of PIO. As sick as I've been you'd think that my progesterone would be through the damn roof.

So, that's the news. Off to visit the sink, er, bathroom.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Enough fun and games

So, Lauralu, I feel ya. Your escapades with morning sickness? Yeah. I get it.

I have spent the last 3 days exploding simultaneously from each orifice. I had hoped that since I didn't get a break on the morning/all-fucking-day sickness, I might be luck and catch a break. Ha! What a joke. It's worse. I never felt this bad with the girls.

So, at 10w4 days, things need to get better. Please. My washing machine needs a break and my kid needs attenion. Besdies, I'm almost out of bleach and I don't see a trip to the store in my future.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

To Doppler, or not to Doppler?

I'm trying to decide if I should rent a doppler. Any insight? I'm worried it will just make me crazy, but I know a lot of you ended up being able to control it better than you might have expected...

Friday, March 16, 2007

Boring Blog

Man, has it gotten boring over here. Sorry about that.

I'm feeling a little lost and emotional. I've heard from other women after going through IF, that when you do get pregnant, you feel a little like you suddenly don't fit anywhere. I get that now. I find I don't really know what to say a lot of the time.

I'm still a little reluctant to get really attached to this pregnancy. It all feels very surreal still. I don't really look pregnant (10 weeks, duh), just bloated and fat. I feel pukey and tired, but not the good pregnant when your belly grows and you get to feel the kicks and rolls. Delivery is too far away to get excited about. It's like, so what now?

I've been occasionally allowing myself to look at cribs and bedding and baby stuff. Which reminds me...tell me if this would piss any of you off the way it has me.

When we moved, one of our neighbors' daughter was pregnant. She's had issues, she has no money, her parents have and always will support her at some level. Jim & I decided when we knew we were moving, that instead of carting the nursery furniture and highchair, etc, that we would find some one who needed it. So, we thought of her.

When we moved, we left the furniture, glider, highchair, bouncy seat, saucer, bathtub...tons of other stuff. Her mom is our real estate agent, so she has a key. They were to come pick it all up when I was gone. It was really hard for me. Harder than I thought. By a mile.

It was hard to give it all away, it was hard to see her room all empty and disheveled, we agonized over the decision in the first place. The whole thing was necessary, but absolutely painful. I had not ever gone through Audrey's things. It was all almost as it was when I came home from the hospital.

So here's what pisses me off...

She has never said so much as thank you. No call, no card, no nothing. And, it makes me really mad. It makes me regret that we didn't just give it all to the women's shelter. At least we know someone there would have been grateful.

Am I wrong?

So, as I was saying... Sorry about the boring drivel. I'll try to be better.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Lesson One: Don't get ahead of yourself

The last few days have been great. I've had more energy, I've felt sooo much better. I was starting to think that the worst had past.


I started the day by catching up on house chores I had neglected. Got more done this morning than I did all last week (including that pesky laundry room closet). I intended on taking it easy this afternoon until I found a tick on one of the dogs.

Don't ever let any vet tell you that you can give up the Advantix while it's cold. As soon as you have a day above 50, the critters come out. So, I had to give all three of them baths so they could start the Advantix. That was fun.

After baths, I forgot to put Rifle out and that ended in a walking trail of doggie pee that went through the kitchen, dining room and entry way. After I mopped all of those floors, I had to do the laundry...wet towels from baths and then the entryway rug...ick.

So, yeah, now, I feel like total shit again. I'm cranky and my kid is watching TV...some more. The dog is totally bored because I wouldn't take him out to play ball today. They are all driving me nuts.

And, I want to throw-up. Again. Some more.

So, hey, I though this was going to be the post where I was all happy and cheery and life is fabulous, but I'm not quite there yet.

Almost 10 weeks. One day at a time, right?

Thursday, March 08, 2007


Okay, breathe.

It's good. It's fine. Baby is fine.

Gracie gets it. We were in the ultrasound room and the baby came on the screen and she yelled "Mommy! Is that a BABY in your belly!?" She then did the happy dance. We hadn't really told her yet, but today is not a school day, so she was with us for the appointment. She yammered on and on about playing with it and holding it and then she asked "Mommy, what will we call it?" I asked her what she wanted to call it and she said "Cookie Crumb."

No idea where that came from, but it's going to stick.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Note to Self

Things that Make Me Puke, Gag, or Otherwise Want to Hurl:

* My prenatal vitamin, B Complex vitamin, Progesterone capsules or any other pill that requires swallowing.

* Feeding the dogs.

* Making dinner (Sorry Honey, no dinner again tonight).

* Brushing my teeth (which I usually do often and now, even though I want to, find myself doing more slowly and not spending as much time on my tongue and roof of mouth).

* Coughing.

* The meat department at the grocery store.

* Gracie's preschool classroom (Hi, this is my mom, please ignore her gagging as she walks through our classroom to gather me and my things).

* Cleaning any of the many odd and sometimes unidentifiable stains we get on out carpet on a daily basis.

* Sitting up.

* That new show on the Travel Channel with Andrew Something-Or-Other who goes all over the world eating the nastiest things he can find.

* Fish.

* My husband's morning breath (Sorry Babe).

* The nursery I love going to because they have the coolest garden stuff, but smells like the fertilizer they use on their flowers.

* Cucumbers (which I love) (only not so much anymore).

* Cleaning the toilet.

* The smell of my laundry soap.

* Not eating at least every two hours.

* Pretty much anything I do or encounter after about 2:00 in the afternoon.

But hey, as it gets worse and I add more to this list, I feel better about how this pregnancy is progressing. I'm 8 weeks, give or take a day or two. Baby steps. Next blood and ultrasound in March 8. Please, please let it be okay.

Thank God my husband is understanding and kind or I would be in big trouble. And thank God he's willing to run out for Chinese food when it's the only thing in the world that I *think* I *may* be able to choke down.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Feeling Better, well, some

I'm not even sure where or how to begin this post so that there is any sense of order to it...

I feel pretty good so long as I get a nap at some point in the day. Jim has been so good about helping out so I have less to do. What a guy. I think he's partly making up for telling some friends of ours who asked how the babies were that there was only one. I piped in and said we had lost one and his comment to that was "you can't lose what was never there." Because, in his mind, the "baby" never developed, so it was never there. I did manage to not kill him in front of our friends, but I let him have it later. He's been super ever since. Men.

I did blood on Monday to see if we could knock off the PIO injections. We laid off for two days and then did blood again yesterday...the level dropped, so I have to start them up again. That kind of scares me. I don't like the injections, but it is what it is. It concerns me that the level dropped. I didn't get to talk with Dr. BM, only a message from the nurse, so I don't really understand all that. I'm anxious for the next ultrasound on the 8th, I could use a little piece of mind.

Um, I'm trying to talk Jim into a family vacation sometime in early summer. We need a getaway. He's open to it, but we have to sell the Vegas house first.

Ugh, the Vegas house. Yeah, it's not sold. We keep hearing that the market will improve in the spring. Our listing agreement expires in April and we won't be extending. I have to get on the horn with some agents and figure out what we're doing. Ack. I hate it.

Um, so, that's the haps. Just trying to stay sane. I'll let you know how that goes.