Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Speaking of keeping one's promises...

My husband, God love him, is a Cubs fan. It's a sad, sad accident of birth, but he sticks with them. He has this warped idea that somehow, some way, the Cubs will win a game... Everytime they play, he watches desperately...hoping...hoping... More often than not, they disappoint.

Now, I have a similar affliction, but with football. My friends, I am a Saint's fan. It's a horrible burden to bear, but I do.

Every season, I hassle him about the Cubs and he, in turn, is relentless about the Saints. We have tried watching the Cubs play their last two games. I say tried because it's just too painful to sit and watch the game straight through. We sort of move back and forth between something good and watching the Cubs lose their collective ass. So, to make things interesting, while he justified how the Cubs might possibly pull one out of said collective ass, we made a little wager. We live in Vegas afterall...

The first game, we bet $5. I gave him a two-point spread and he lost his ass. Last night, he was feeling froggy so we bet again. He set the number at $100. Dumb-ass. No spread this time as it was the 8th inning and it was tied up. My poor, poor dillusional husband was talking some pretty rough talk..."Honey, do you have cash? Because if you don't, I can loan it to you...but my interest rates are not monetary...shall I lower my fly now?" Ummm, no.

In true Cubbie style, they lost in the 12th inning after walking a guy with the bases loaded. Just sad. As the game closed, he looked at me and said "You're really going to make me pay you, aren't you!" You bet your sweet bippie I am.

But hey, I'm up $105 and there will be no fly lowering in my husband's future. I did offer to "loan" it to him as I lowered my fly, but alas, I think his ego was too badly bruised. He just coughed up the cash. Ha!

He informed his brother this morning that as of now, he is no longer a Cubs fan. Losing $105 to his wife was more that he could take. He's on the hunt for a new team. I suggested he go for the White Sox (Lorem, fair? no?). He declined. Something about it being against his religion or something. He's a liar though. He threatens to go elsewhere every year, but never does.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Well, they started calling references yesterday. Finally. We'll see what happens next and how soon. Jim has the Springfield interview Thursday...

What is with people who don't keep their promises? WTF? Is it a symptom of the state of our society? Tardiness and unkept promises are my two big peeves. They drive me insane. And then, add a lack of communication and I lose my mind(oh, you're going to be late? how hard is it to just take two seconds to call?).

So, here we sit...still on the edge of our seats. Here goes another day where things are just going on while we wait to see where we land...

I'm tired. I'm excited at the possibilities, but scared to do any real research on the possibility of a move. It's not the greatest time to have to sell our house. The market here has softened quite a bit, but that's what good relocation packages are for. God, I hope we get a good relocation package...

This has been a little like a two-week-wait. All the guarded optimism and anticipation, all the fear and excitement. I just want resolution. Help me close a chapter...of something.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Throw me a bone.

I can't concentrate. My whole life is hanging right now and it's making me insane (okay, more insane, hush KB.).

After two weeks of promises to return calls and send memos and get back to us, we still have nothing on the job. We don't know if they still want to go forward, we don't know if they are still going to send an offer, we got nothing. Last week we trudged on in hope that we'd hear something, anything. We got nothing. The head hunter keeps saying to hang in there, it's coming, they just have bigger stuff going on (their COO left and the HR guy lost his assistant). But, I keep thinking of I had a job I had been trying to fill for months, even having gone so far as to make an offer to a guy and having it fall apart, and I had a guy who fit, who fit well with the other players and who was calling and wanting to wrap things up, wouldn't I just want to get it off my desk? Out of the way, over, next?

I guess that's just me because these guys are just not cutting loose with any info. It's seriously pissing me off. I can't get anything done. I can't work because I can't keep focused...I mean, I could be giving my notice any damn minute! I can't even do anything to the house because we may be selling the damn thing! Argh! This sucks! I cannot focus!

People who tell me they can do something (we will get back to you by Friday), then miss a deadline they create (like 3 times now), really irritate me. If you set the date, you damn well better set a date you know you can make. I'm in sales, I have to live and die by the under-promise, over-deliver mentality. These over-promise, under-deliver people irritate the crap out of me.

Give me something, anything. Tell us you've decided to go another direction, whatever. Just give us something so we can move on already.

Jim has his interview in Springfield this week. He's pretty sure it will go very well. I'm worried about the company. It's a retail-type thing and retail scares me. Especially fast-growing retail development. In my experience, those things that grow fast, crash and burn just as fast. I don't want to do this again in 3 years. I like the idea of living in Springfield. Seems like a great place.

I feel so out of balance. So...just...out of it! I'm going to get fired before I can quit!

edited to add***they called. they are checking references...finally. more promises; they will get back to us in two days. I hope they do.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Yeah, sorry

I keep having thoughts of a post in my head, but nothing manifests itself on the screen. So sorry. I will be back soon...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The World I Live In

As I am faced with the likelihood that we will be moving soon, I have been forced to think about things that I have long ignored. I have to decide about Audrey's room. Audrey's stuff. The whole thing. And it sucks ass if I must say so myself.

I've left her room pretty much as it was when it was half-finished the day she was born. We finished the painting and wallpapering, but I had already loaded diapers, washed, folded and put the little clothes and socks away. The is crib is made and waiting for her. Now her little wooden box is all that rests there.

Am I the only one who thinks that having a dead kid is kind of surreal? I mean, I have her stuff, I have the memories of being pregnant, but not what I wish I had. Honestly, I was so absorbed with other things at that point in life, I didn't take the time to stop and remember stuff the way I should have. The things I remember the most vividly, are the things I am the most ashamed of. What I said to the customer who said "you're pregnant again?".... Me, exasperated: "yeah, here we go again...". Ugh, what an asshole I am. The last time I remember her moving and I was so into playing my role for work that I just blew it off. But now, I can still feel her little foot stretch out again my side. I have all of that. I know she was here. I know she was (is) ours. I know I have another daughter, but she's not apart of my life in a way that makes me see her the same way I do Gracie. I wish I understood that. I wish I didn't hate myself for seeing things that way, but as I think about it more, it's so hard to just continue to ignore.

I walked Gracie to her room for something last night and walked past Audrey's birth announcement and her picture, I stopped to give her little face a kiss goodnight and was just overcome with the feeling of sadness and loss. I started to cry and Gracie asked if Audrey was asleep in Heaven. I had to tell her I don't know. I don't. I don't know what my own daughter does all day. Does she do anything? I don't know. I don't know her. How in hell is that fair? How is that right? And yet, it is and life goes on. I don't understand how that can be possible, and yet it is.

I don't know if it's time and a little distance that make me try and figure all this out in ways I haven't before. It's like I'm trying to analyze and rationalize in a way I haven't tried before in hopes that somehow it will suddenly make sense. It's not working so far.

I've been trying to figure out what to do about selling the house. What do I do with her room? I intend on taking most of the family pictures I have scattered around and putting them away. I suppose having a room dedicated to a dead kid (with dead pictures and all) is not a selling feature? Think it would scare buyers away? I suppose yes. I have pretty much decided to take it all down and get rid of the nursery furniture. It will become a temporary play room for Gracie's toys. I don't really know what else to do with it. I don't really want to take the paper down and repaint, but I guess it may come to that. I don't know.

We were talking about whether we would pack everything and fly or if we would drive one of the cars to wherever we end up. We decided to drive because I wouldn't be able to fly with Audrey's box (can't put it in luggage and I doubt I could carry it on). And well, putting her in the moving van was never an option. So drive we will because I can't bear to pack my daughter away.

What kind of fucked up world is it that we live in where a mother has to make this kind of damn decision? Seriously. WTF.

Monday, August 14, 2006


I've pretty much given up getting pregnant on my own. It just doesn't seem possible after the last two years of nothing and heartbreak. I've started having dreams that I'm seeing the RE again and he eventually tells me that I'll never have another baby; that there's just nothing he can do. It sucks.
Jim is at another interview for the next 2-3 days. This time in Pennsylvania. It's a neat opportunity and a good company. I hope it goes well, but there's another in Sprinfield, MO the following week that I'm really pulling for. here's hoping.
Audrey's second birthday is coming. I'm sad about that, but I have to say it doesn't feel as totally absorbing as it did last year. I don't know what we're doing yet. Something fun with just us probably. Gracie and I will make a cake. I think we will continue the balloon tradition and send some her way. Okay, now it feels very sad(der).
Remember how I had it out with Pampers about them sending me so many reminders about Audrey's progress? Well, I've now started getting them for the baby-that-would-have-been who should have been born around August 1st. I got formula the other day. It sucks. Just when I thought I was done. It never ends. IF I ever get pregnant again, I will NOT sign up for any of the shit that I have in the past. The fall-out is just waaayyyy too painful.
Gracie starts her big girl school on the 28th. I'm so excited for her. We got her uniforms over the weekend (yeah, uniforms, in preschool...who knew). So damn cute I can't stand it. She is going to have a ball.
I hate work. I want to be done. I don't have time for anything. I need to start going to the gym to work on my fatness, but I hate to take what little time I have with my daughter and put her in the Tot Stop at the gym. I just can't do it. I'd take her for walks with me, but it's still hotter than hell here. Ain't happening. So, for now, I am a fat cow. And lemme tell you, it sucks ass.
Brain dump over.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Holy Hell I've Been Gone Forever

Wow. How can less than two weeks seem like such an eternity? I don't even know where to start.

My brother is now a married man. That was cool. Sad also... I felt (feel) a little like he is more part of her family now than he is of ours. My MIL said whe Jim & I got engaged that when a daughter gets married a Mother gains a son, but when a son gets married she loses a son. I thought it was BS at the time, but seeing my brother at his wedding made it all seem pretty true. I'm a little sad for us but really happy for him and his new wife.

We had a great time at the wedding. Beautiful (Central California Coast) location. Gorgeous weather (75 all the time). Saw friends and family I haven't seen in more years than I should mention. So nice to rekindle those old relationships.

Atlantic City was kind of fun. Jim heard Friday that they offered the job to the other guy. So, that sucks ass. I don't even know if I'm ready to get into all of the emotion about that. Just such a let down. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was so hopeful that at least one part of this shitty luck could be resolved, but no such luck yet. Here's hoping the other things in the pipeline work out.

We all went and saw Barry Manilow on Friday night (at my mother's behest). It was easy to make fun (and boy did we...we picked fan club night to go...holy shit...the Fanilows are scary), but you know...the guy is a great performer. It was really entertaining and even a little fun. I'll leave it at that lest I say something more stupid than I had fun at a Barry Manilow concert. (This paragraph will disappear from this entry in 30 seconds)

We had some friends over last night for dinner as sort fo a farewell to mom & dad. They left early this morning. My husband proceeded to make a huge ass of himself over and over. What is it about men that when they do something stupid they have to punctuate it by just making an evening of it? It's a whole 'nother entry, but suffice it to say that I'm pissed at him and I guarantee he will wish today that he had kept his damn mouth shut last night.

So. You're caught up. I'm back. I missed you guys. And now, I mist go catch up with you all...

Laura and Justin...WAHOO!! Congratulations. I will post that on your blog though, as soon as I have a chance. You won't likely have much time for checking blogs...hehe. Welcome Milo!

***edited to add that we saw Barry in Las Vegas upon our return.