Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


I'm working on not getting upset that my house is a disaster. I just don't have the energy to do anything about it. I went to Target and bought stuff to organize my laundry room closet, but so far non of it has so much as made it out of the car. I started laundry last week, Jim tried to get it finished over the weekend, but so far it's still only half done. It would help if we could all quit dirtying clothes. I get almost finished and then give up for a few days. There are dishes in my sink...there are never dishes in my sink. It's not even like it's a hassle because I have to empty the dishwasher first. I just haven't put them in there.

Gracie has watched so much TV in the last week, I'm sure her brain is mushing out as we speak. I need to play a game with her or something tonight, but moving makes me feel like I'm going to puke. It's all I can do to make sure the dogs get out to pee and Gracie gets fed. I did take her to the mall and to lunch for a couple of hours. We walked around and I let her pick some stuff out at Claire's. She loves that store.

The dogs are bored as hell. Jim's been working late, so he doesn't even have time to entertain them the last few days. Thankfully two of them are old enough that they are really fine with it, but the puppy is going nuts.

I suck.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

My Jeans are Already Tight

Some of the shock from the ultrasound has worn off. We're obviously still sad, but we're trying to put more thought and energy into being positive about the one that is left. I do have more feelings about all that, but they will keep for now.

Moving on.

My jeans are already uncomfortable. I haven't gained any weight, in fact despite the fact that I'm eating constantly, I've actually lost. Odd how that works. But, the old favorite jeans don't fit so hot in the waist already. I guess that's what happens with number three. Your body looks around and just says "oh, I remember this." And magically, you're way farther along than you really are. Nice.

I have to run already, we're meeting some friends for dinner...

Thanks so much for all your well-wishes. They mean the world.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


One fetus including a nice heartbeat. One yolk sac with no fetus.

I can't say much else at the moment. I'm trying to be grateful, but it's really hard when I feel so very sad.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

So. Tired.

Sorry for the gap between posts. My parents and Aunt have been here for 10 days. They left this morning. I wasn't really allowed to do more than make the occasional dinner, but having so many people and so much going on is still exhausting. Well, that and the fact that I am just freaking dead-ass tired all the damn time.

The twin thing is slowly sinking in. I'm not sure I'm allowing myself to spend too much time thinking about it, I'm still very scared that it will all be a dream or that it will all go sideways with each ultrasound or blood test. So far, the blood tests since Thursday have gone well. I have another ultrasound tomorrow. Hopefully everything will be as it should and include appropriate heartbeats, etc.

I'm a few days past 6 weeks at this point. I started the Lovenox last weekend. I'll be on it until the end. Lemme tell you, that shit hurts like a bad bee sting going in. My ass is sore from the PIO, but that Lovenox hurts more at first. They have begun slowly weaning me off of the other LP support drugs. Still several weeks to go though before that is over.

We saw our new OB for the first time on Monday. My RE made a few phone calls and stirred up enough shit at the local hospital that I got a call on Sunday from the Department Chair at the local hospital. We discussed my history and he said he'd call me Monday with a suggestion for who I should see.

(Funny story: he asked if I had any preferance as to a male or female doctor. I think he was shocked when I simply responded that I wanted to see whomever was going to get my babies home alive)

Viola, Monday at 1:00 he calls with a phone number, I call and they say they were expecting me and could I come in at 3:00. So, I walk in and they all clearly know my history and are as friendly as possible while whispering that I was the one who had caused some hubub... Nice.

So, whatever, the doctor and PA were very nice. I'm happy with where we ended up. It's a large practice and that will be very difficult to get used to. We'll make do.

So, blood Monday was good. I'm convinced something is wrong until tomorrow when an ultrasound may or may not prove otherwise. All of that despite the fact that I have no reason whatsoever to believe there is anything wrong. It's just so weird to be here that I'm certain something will come along to destroy it all.

I have to run. I need a nap.

Thank you all so much for all of your kind comments and well-wishes. I'm humbled.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Hint: Double Trouble

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

On Track


Waiting to hear from Dr. BM on when we do the ultrasound.

Phew. So far, so good.

edited to add:

u/s will be Thursday.

They never called

No news. I have to wait for the NV office to open so I can call....

Friday, February 09, 2007


I know Anna Nicole was the butt of many, many jokes, but it's so sad she's gone the way she has. Her life was sad, the end of her life was sad, it's just a sad situation. Sad especially for that baby.

What a waste.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

So Far, So Good


More than doubled in two days. Next one is Monday and then we do the u/s at the end of next week.


Breathing again...for now

Second beta is today. I'm just waiting for results. Hopefully won't haveto wait to wait too much longer. As soon as I have them, I will post.

Here's hoping the numbers stay high. I haven'had any issues thus far, so I hope things stay that way. I'm tired, my boobs are sore as hell and I am already getting that pukey feeling when I get too hungry. I hope it stays that way for a good long time.

Thanks for all your support guys. You all are amazing...but I knew that already.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007



Beta is 291.

Can't breathe.

Average beta at 16dpo for twins is 146.


Monday, February 05, 2007

Remain Calm...Things to Remember

No matter what happens tomorrow, I still have a great life. I'm a very lucky girl.
Dr. BM said we have an 82% chance that the beta will be positive. That's good.
We will find a way to make this happen for us, even if this isn't our turn.
Please let this be our turn.
This will not consume my life.
I hope.
Please let it work.
82% is good.
Please let it work.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Some Relief

Dr. BM has agreed to let me get two vials drawn on Tuesday. One to have shipped to their lab for processing and one to have processed here so I at least get a beta result that day. He was very understanding and agreed with no fight. At least some things are easy.

Still trying to ignore the days that pass from now until then. Trying to let myself dream a little but not get too excited. It's hard. Hard to wonder and the possibility that this won't work scares me so much that it's hard to breathe when I go to that place.

Thank you all for your support. Only 3 more days.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

High Highs and Low Lows

These last few days and the ones ahead seem very surreal to me. I have moments where I can let myself think what it would be like if this cycle works and then there are the moments when the reality that it may not hits and I can hardly breathe.

I make jokes about buying a new car if we have twins and then moments where I wonder if we have it in us to do this again if it doesn't work. Can I go through this again? Can I handle the disappointment? How will I handle another let down? When WILL it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?

The moments when I can think positively and wonder what it will be like to be pregnant again. How different will it be? I know I will be scareed shitless. Will I be able to enoy what we've worked so hard for or will I be a complete basketcase until we can bring a baby home?
I'm still so afraid to be hopeful. So afraid to let myself get past next week and what lies ahead. What if we get to Monday and my period starts. What of the beta is negative. What if it's not.

I'm halfway there. Five (six) more days and we'll know. And yet, part of me never wants that day to come because well, what if it's negative? At least now I have the HOPE that it MAY work. There is hope in the possibility, even if that hope is fleeting.

Maybe ignorance really is bliss.