High Highs and Low Lows
These last few days and the ones ahead seem very surreal to me. I have moments where I can let myself think what it would be like if this cycle works and then there are the moments when the reality that it may not hits and I can hardly breathe.
I make jokes about buying a new car if we have twins and then moments where I wonder if we have it in us to do this again if it doesn't work. Can I go through this again? Can I handle the disappointment? How will I handle another let down? When WILL it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?
The moments when I can think positively and wonder what it will be like to be pregnant again. How different will it be? I know I will be scareed shitless. Will I be able to enoy what we've worked so hard for or will I be a complete basketcase until we can bring a baby home?
I'm still so afraid to be hopeful. So afraid to let myself get past next week and what lies ahead. What if we get to Monday and my period starts. What of the beta is negative. What if it's not.
I'm halfway there. Five (six) more days and we'll know. And yet, part of me never wants that day to come because well, what if it's negative? At least now I have the HOPE that it MAY work. There is hope in the possibility, even if that hope is fleeting.
Maybe ignorance really is bliss.
I make jokes about buying a new car if we have twins and then moments where I wonder if we have it in us to do this again if it doesn't work. Can I go through this again? Can I handle the disappointment? How will I handle another let down? When WILL it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?
The moments when I can think positively and wonder what it will be like to be pregnant again. How different will it be? I know I will be scareed shitless. Will I be able to enoy what we've worked so hard for or will I be a complete basketcase until we can bring a baby home?
I'm still so afraid to be hopeful. So afraid to let myself get past next week and what lies ahead. What if we get to Monday and my period starts. What of the beta is negative. What if it's not.
I'm halfway there. Five (six) more days and we'll know. And yet, part of me never wants that day to come because well, what if it's negative? At least now I have the HOPE that it MAY work. There is hope in the possibility, even if that hope is fleeting.
Maybe ignorance really is bliss.
posted by MB @ 4:14 PM
4 Comments:
At 8:04 AM ,
JMB said...
I don't think that I can offer any words of wisdom, other than to say that I really do understand. Infertility bites, there is no way around it, and the havoc that it can wreck with our emotions is equally rotten.
There are a lot of us out here rooting for you, and will be willing to listen if it isn't the result you want.
At 11:06 AM ,
pithydithy said...
Oh, hon, your entry brought all of those emotions flooding back to me. You described them so well...I could just feel the pain and anguish and hope all mixed up into the horrible, agonizing wait.
I want it to be your turn NOW. I am desperate for good news. And I'm very, very hopeful for you! Hugs.
At 3:35 PM ,
Emma's Mum said...
Thinking about you and hoping for a positive result! I understand how you feel about being scared too.....just try to hang in there and take it one moment at a time -- that is what I try to do.....although I am not always successful!
At 3:40 PM ,
KB said...
Sure, ignorance IS bliss... which is why you now are the proud momma of a certain crazy retriever who is afraid of ratdogs, right?? ;)
You know we're all here pulling for you!! Sending HUGE HUGS! And I'm STILL thinking about telling your RE just how evil he is, making all of us wait an extra day. **sigh**
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