Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Lorem, You're Right

Six is more than zero. Six IS better than zero.

I'm trying to improve my attitude. Six is better than zero.

I just keep coming back to my confusion over how I got here. I mean, I have been pregnant 4 times. 2 miscarriages, Gracie and then, Audrey. I don't understand how suddenly my problem is getting pregnant. How does that work. How did I go from being the most fertile person I knew to being the one in playgroup doing IVF?

Maybe my last post was a bit dramatic. Sure. It's just that for all the shots in the ass, the drives across town, the bloodlettings...all of it. All of that and I get six follicles. It is possible that more will develop and appear on Wednesday's ultrasound. I'm hopeful that will be the case. I really am.

My friends keep telling me to be positive and I just can't seem to muster it up. I'm so afraid to be let down. Afterall, I was positive that Audrey would be born alive and we would have her here with us now. But, we don't. She's dead. I'm afraid to be overly positive now for fear of getting let down again. How do I change that?

I used to be such an "up" person. Is that lost in me forever? I mean, what if the IVF doesn't work simply because I didn't have faith? Then, I'll be in a worse hole than I am now. How do I just keep picking myself up?

I have no extra follicles

I'm so bummed. All of these shots in the ass and this morning's ultrasound showed only 6 follicles. A normal unmedicated cycle should have shoed 10.

I suck.

I'm pissed.

Why? Why now? Is this just a cruel joke? The universe's way of pouring salt in the wound?

I don't understand.

Friday, October 28, 2005

I'll Take A Bunch of Extra Follicles for $5200, Alex

My ovaries hurt. The medicine must be kicking in.

The needle isn't too bad. The medicine hitting the muscle kind of hurts, but all-in-all, not too bad.

Gracie's here at the office with me this afternoon. She's loving it because she gets to play with Play Doh. I don't let her do it at home. Too messy. Who cares about the carpet here... My carpet has a little extra color now. I just keep telling myself that it brightens up the place.

Not much else to report right now.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Biggest Needle I've Ever Seen...

...will be going in my ass twice a day for the next 10 days.

Holy shit this thing is huge. The nurse made a point of telling me that it had to go all the way in, to the hip muscle. My friend who has been giving me my injections keeps assuring me that she has seen much larger needles, but this is the biggest I have ever seen. So, to me, it's freaking huge.


Monday, October 24, 2005

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Nothing exciting yet. Just like a long car ride with little to do but sing horrible car songs. Stopped the pill and the other hormone thingy they had me taking on Friday. Just doing the Lupron injections until Wednesday. I go in then for a baseline and will start the Menopur and Bravelle injections twice a day until they tell me to stop. So, I'll have those injections along with the Lupron I guess until they give me the trigger around the 4th or 5th. Poor pin cushion me. I guess it's good practice since I'll be doing injections of some sort until we have a baby. I'll have to do once a day Heparin while pregnant. Sheesh.

It's weird to still be talking about trying to get pregnant while so many people I know who started trying around when I did have either had their babies or are very close. Doesn't seem fair given that we got pregnant with Audrey and Gracie so easily. I wish I could understand what happened to so dramatically change our situation. There hasn't been a medical explanation yet that totally appeases me. Whatever I guess, all I care about is the end result. It doesn't really matter what it takes to get there.

In other news, my brand new car got rear ended on Saturday. The other driver hit us at about 35 while we were stopped at a stop light. He never even hit his brakes. The best part is that he had no license, no registration and no insurance. So, now I have to deal with insurance companies, body shops and rental cars again. One accident in my whole life and in one year I have 3. F-ing Hell. Things come in threes, can I be done now?

Thursday, October 20, 2005


You have nothing for which to apologize.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Wait just a minute.

Catherine and Angela-

All I was doing was venting a little frustration at my current situation. I am not the kind of parent I pictured myself being. I am not able to go with Gracie to My Gym. But, I also don't let her eat candy in the middle of the night, or talk back or any of the other hundred things I said I wouldn't do as a parent.

No one is right. I would love to be home with my daughter. I'm frustrated that it's just not possible right now.

We all make choices. I could not sacrifice and live with my parents to make that happen. Angela, more power to you if you made staying home that kind of a priority. That's just not something I'm willing to do. I respect your choice and your right to choose. Thank you for your support. I appreciate you reading and caring enough to comment.

Damn Catherine. Remind me not to piss you off. Or, have I done that already? I'm sort of confused by your last comment. I hope I can read between the lines a little and know that it wasn't directed at me, but maybe you can clarify for me. You've been a wonderful support to so many of us bloggers. I hope I haven't lost that and I hope I bring a little support and comfort to you as well.

Can't we all just get along? that was humor, insert laugh here

I certainly value everyone's opinion and hope that my post didn't get everyone's panties in a bunch. I know that the "to work, or not to work" debate is ongoing and quite volatile, but it is also very personal. Mine has only to do with my experience as a child and my experience alone. I do realize that there are moms out there who are better moms because they work. I have certainly thought at times that I was one of them. There are days that I have been home and thought, I'm really not doing much good here today. If I had the flexibility in my job to go to functions for my daughter, to be there for her in the way my parents could not, I would certainly feel very different about being home. I would likely choose working and participate as much as I could.

Maybe my biggest problem with my current situation is that it's not perfect and I don't have a choice. I can just walk away from my job. I need it. My problem is striking a balance somewhere. I just haven't managed that yet.

Hard Day Already

Gracie goes with B and J on Tuesdays to My Gym. I'm glad she gets to go but it bums me out that I pay for it and I don't get to see her enjoy it. Every week they go around the circle and ask the kids (all 2 and 3 year olds) a question. This week's question was, "Who brought you to class today?" Everyone got to say their mommy but Gracie. When her turn came, she looked at B very confused and finally said her name. It just breaks my heart.

I was always the kid whose mom had to work. My mom is a nurse and my dad worked on offshore oil rigs. My dad worked a one week on and one week off shift when he was offshore and had long hours with only weekends off when he was onshore. My mom always worked goofy shifts at the hospital. I would have to get up at 5 and go to a sitter's house and then walk to school. After school, I would have to take the City bus to another sitter's house, or when I was in 2nd Grade, I would come home alone and get myself ready in the morning because my mom was gone by 6 AM.

I never had someone to bring cupcakes to class on my birthday. My parents were never available to chaperone field trips. My mom never did PTA. My parents were almost never available to help me with my homework or take me to friends houses to play after school. Not that my mom & dad had a choice. They did what they did and they made the best of what they had. There weren't a lot of options and I know it was hard on them.

I said from a very early age that I wasn't going to be that kind of parent. Now I am and I hate myself.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Somebody Stop Me

I've spent my morning (at work, of course) cruising Old Navy's website looking at Maternity clothes and digging out the old due date calculator web site. If I use the transfer date as my conception date, my due date is July parents' anniversary.

Is it safe to let myself do this? What if it works? What if it doesn't? Where does it leave us?

I can't spend the next year of my life trying IVF and other fertility treatments. We have the option to freeze any emryos that are not transferred. It's $1200 if we pay it up front. If the IVF doesn't work we can try a FET (frozen emrbryo transfer). If those efforts fail, I think I'm done. I can't do this forever.

Jim & I have said that we want to take a trip to Italy, but that we wanted to wait until the kids are around 5. If the next couple of months yeild no pregnancy, then I think we are going to plan that trip to Italy. I just feel the need to have a back up plan.

I want the IVF to work so badly, but in the back of my mind I know that the chances are still not even 50-50 that it will work. You have a 25% chnace every month of getting pregnant. With IVF, your chances are only 40% better than that. I know as many people who have had luck as I do who have not. Those odds scare me.

I don't want to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I have to have hope. How the hell does that work??

Monday, October 17, 2005

Day 1, first Lupron injection

Well, I did it. I've been shot. Got my first one this morning. WOOHOO!

You know, I started thinking that I've been so caught up in the end result that I haven't asked very many questions about what exactly we are doing to get there. I mean, I know there are injections involved and there will be exams and ultrasounds. I know the basics, but I don't really know what Lupron does, for instance. Strange huh? Stranger that I don't really care?

Friday is my trial transfer and the beginning of the other meds (not really sure what they do either).

C'mon Friday.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

On The Wagon

Well, no drinking for me in the near future. I had my last glass of wine last night. I had dinner with friends...B made chicken fried steak for me with all the fixings. My favorite. Yummy.

My present from Jim was that he went to see his mother (pre-planned trip, I was supposed to go, but because of the visits to the doc, I didn't have to go) and I got to stay home. It's been heaven. I called in sick to work on Friday and hung out with B and the girls. It was great. I've spent a fortune shopping this weekend, but I thought what the hell. It's my birthday and the next few weeks are going to be rough.

I went in today for my injection instructions. No biggie. Small needle, so hopefully these will be the easy ones. So it's Lupron for the next 10 days or so and then we'll have to see what's next. I don't really know. I did find out today the this clinic only does IVF with ICSI (where they inject a single sperm into the egg instead of letting a whole bunch float around and do it themselves). Most places charge extra for that. I guess these guys decided they have much better luck that way and just do it with all IVF cycles. Cool!

I guess we're off and running now. I go back in on the 21st for a trial transfer and then at various points between then and the 6th for ultrasound and blood tests.

Please let this work, oh please let this work.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

October 15. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

And my birthday.

Nothing will ever be the same. Ever.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

And Away We Go.

Well, Dr. Baby Maker surprised me this morning. I go in Sunday for bloodwork and start Lupron on Monday. HOLY SHIT! Our estimated retrieval date is 11/6 and the estimated transfer is 11/12!

We could be pregnant by Thanksgiving!!!

Monday, October 10, 2005

Back From Prison

Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. It wasn't so bad. The history was kind of cool. Lots of OLD buildings, built originally during the Gold Rush for the bad guys. Crazy. The boys were actually very well behaved. Not so much as a cat call. I thought initially that I might be offended (can't even get a lifer in prison to notice), but I guess if they have an issue with sexual harassment, it goes on their record as a sex crime when they get out. That law works. They were all very quite, even when we weren't behind the fences.

Anyway, I digress...

AF came yesterday. I have to go do bloodwork tomorrow and then go back on the pill until the end of the month. Oh, and I have to do a pap. You'd think they could have done that at some point with all the other poking they've done down there. Whatever.

I'm ready. I'm feeling the baby fever hitting hard again. Let's get this show on the road!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Scott? Is that you?

I leave tomorrow for a company trip to Northern California. For those of you who don't know, I'm a general contractor, I work for a company with offices all over the western states. Tomorrow we head off for a three-day tour of some of our most recent projects. The most notable of which is at San Quentin. Yep, that San Quentin. Home of Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker of the 80's), Sirhan-Sirhan and most recently...Scott Peterson. Would you all like me to send anyone your well wishes? I would like a glimpse of Scott. I'd like to tell him he's a baby killer and he should rot in hell.

Could my life BE ANY MORE EXCITING??

So, my poor daughter will have to be subjected to another few days with only her father to care for her. It will mean late nights because he won't make her go to bed at her usual bedtime, fast food and wearing whatever hodge-podge of clothes he picks out of the closet. I think I'm going to try and help out with the clothes by putting her clothes out, but there's really not a lot I can do about the rest. Poor kid. Jim's a pretty great guy, but left alone with the kids he is useless.

I'm starting to get anxious about the upcoming IVF cycle. The baby fever has set in again. I have managed to keep it at bay knowing that it was a ways off yet, but now we are in October and I can hardly contain myself. Please, please, please let it work. I'm starting to get those "I really need this" feelings again.

I'm daydreaming about that baby smell and the little clothes. Even the occasional stinky diaper doesn't have the aversion it should. I'm ready for all of it. Let's go. NOW!