Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Hard Day Already

Gracie goes with B and J on Tuesdays to My Gym. I'm glad she gets to go but it bums me out that I pay for it and I don't get to see her enjoy it. Every week they go around the circle and ask the kids (all 2 and 3 year olds) a question. This week's question was, "Who brought you to class today?" Everyone got to say their mommy but Gracie. When her turn came, she looked at B very confused and finally said her name. It just breaks my heart.

I was always the kid whose mom had to work. My mom is a nurse and my dad worked on offshore oil rigs. My dad worked a one week on and one week off shift when he was offshore and had long hours with only weekends off when he was onshore. My mom always worked goofy shifts at the hospital. I would have to get up at 5 and go to a sitter's house and then walk to school. After school, I would have to take the City bus to another sitter's house, or when I was in 2nd Grade, I would come home alone and get myself ready in the morning because my mom was gone by 6 AM.

I never had someone to bring cupcakes to class on my birthday. My parents were never available to chaperone field trips. My mom never did PTA. My parents were almost never available to help me with my homework or take me to friends houses to play after school. Not that my mom & dad had a choice. They did what they did and they made the best of what they had. There weren't a lot of options and I know it was hard on them.

I said from a very early age that I wasn't going to be that kind of parent. Now I am and I hate myself.


  • At 11:03 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Michelle...I am so filled with sadness with your post :( I was a preschool teacher before I had my girls and I'd see the kids being dropped off everyday like clockwork, knowing they wouldn't see their parent(s) for hours. They looked so sad and hollow. Sure, I was fun and they enjoyed being with me as much as they could, but you could see in their little faces they just wanted to be with mom or dad. Some people's situations cannot allow them to be a SAHM and I understand that, such as in your situation, but it still sucks. Even now, as an adult, you feel the pain of being abandoned at times by your mother because of work. When the girls came along, I decided I didn't want to be a working mom. I wanted to raise the girls as my mother raised home. It's a sacrifice, absolutely. My hubby and I live with my parents as we can't make it in the Silicon Valley on one income. We are on a tight budget and can't go out to dinner or movies very often. I still drive my first car, a 1991 Ford Escort. We don't have a lot, but the look on my daughter's face when I pick her up from kindergarten (instead of being shuffled off to after school care as about half her class is) is priceless to me. When my 3 year old, tells me I am her best friend, makes me weepy. Michelle, it really sounds to me as if you know Gracie needs you and your place is with her and the future sibling you and Jim will have for her. Is there anyway you can allow yourself to think about staying home for a few years? I will eventually get a part time job when my youngest goes to school barring we have no more kiddos, but knowing I am here for them whenever they need me really makes this time special and precious.

  • At 11:20 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 12:04 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    I am so sorry you're feeling badly about this. Try not to feel like a bad person for working...I know it's hard. Gracie knows that you love her, and like Catherine said, that's what matters most. If you raise her in a nurturing environment, that's the best you can do. There are a lot of times when I feel like a rotten parent for doing certain things, but I do the best I can. (((hugs))) to you and I hope that you can find some peace soon.

  • At 12:57 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    This is for Catherine. No, I'm not a blog lurker or a journal troll. Catherine, I care very much about Michelle. To say I am judging or implying anything is just plain ridiculous. I have cared for Michelle as a member of my online family since she was pregnant with Gracie. I was only trying to encourage her and help her. Michelle can do what she wants to with my comment and my advice. She's a big girl. And for the record, she's doing a great job raising Gracie AND working at the same time, not to mention, trying to heal from losing Audrey. Never did I purposefully "imply" anything in my comment. I also didn't mean to leave my comment anonymous...that was a mistake, I always put my name at the end which was an oversight on my part. It's Angela and my email address is if you'd care to discuss anything AWAY from Michelle's blog. Thanks.

  • At 1:09 PM , Blogger MB said...

    Well alrighty then. Look, the point to my entry was just that I am the mom I wanted and pictured myself to be. So thanks to both of you for helping. You both made me feel better. Thank you.

  • At 4:13 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


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