Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Some Things are Just Not the Same

One of my favorite things to do when I travel is to visit old cemeteries (Yes Meredith, I do it too). I love to read the grave markers and think about who the person was, what they might have been like and how different things are these days. I especially love the really old ones. One of my favorite pictures from my honeymoon is of me at a cemetery in Kona standing next to a donkey that was tied up there.

Anyway, I get it from my mom and dad. We used to go for Sunday drives and one of the places we'd always stop was a cemetery. I remember when they first moved to New Orleans, the cemeteries are what intrigued us the most. Everywhere we go, we almost always visit a cemetery. It's for the sake of history and some strange curiosity I guess.

So today we were wandering around Charleston and of course found the old Church cemeteries. Actually, the old cemeteries were why we went to the old churches. Anyway, there is so much history here that the cemeteries are filled with items dating back to the late 1600's. There are famous people; people who signed the Declaration of independence and the brave souls who signed the Order of Succession. Under normal circumstances I would have run to those and read them all, I would have looked for the giant markers of the wealthy merchants and wondered who they were and what their lives were like.

Today was different. I obsessively scanned for infants and small children. I wanted to see who had babies who were stillborn. I wanted to hurt for the poor women who were buried next to their dead children years after she lost them. I always knew they were there, but I really didn't focus on them. It was always too sad. Today I needed to feel the pain for those women. I needed to mourn those children and long to hold the babies. It was crazy. I managed to do it and not really let on to everyone else. I did point them out, but my emotions were all inside. I can feel it now. I can feel the anguish and the pain.

I wonder if there's a giant nursery in heaven filled with babies whose mommies haven't made it up yet. I wonder if the mommies who have gone before are up there taking care of them. I really do often wonder about that. Who is looking after my baby? Is my grandmother up there rocking Audrey with the babies she lost? My father's mother miscarried sixteen times and had one son who was alive for only a few days (I have no idea how she survived all of that. She was an amazingly strong woman). Is she looking after Audrey too? When I first lost Audrey, a very sweet woman from TLOL sent me a note that her mother had died and before she went, she said she was going up to take care of all the babies until their mommies could be with them. I think of that often and for some reason, it brings me comfort. It really matters. We wonder about things like that. We want to know that our babies are safe when we can't be with them. It's our job to take care of our babies and if we can't, then who is?

Sunday, April 24, 2005


I'm here. Well, sort of. We're in Charleston, SC on vacation. I brought the laptop so I could check in on work stuff. I'm having to use dial up because the condo has no DSL, cable or Wi-Fi. And, boy, does it suck. Not only that, but I can't get a local number so IU'm getting charged $6 an hour to check in. Big time sucks. But, the food is great, the history is cool and I've spent a lot less time thinking about TTC. My chart is weird. I'm not really sure when I O'd. my numbers never really did a dive and then went up. They just sort of edged down and then edged up again. I had a time of EWCM for like a week. I have no idea what's up.

At any rate, I promise I'll be around some. It's just a pain in the ass right now. I get home on May 4. The day after my period is due. I didn't bring any tests and I won't buy one with my mom around. So, I guess there will be no POAS torture this month... That's the good part.

What will be, will be.

I miss you guys.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005


That's me. Irritated over nothing. All the time.

My mom has been calling to see how I'm feeling and that's getting on my nerves. Jim called last night from his "convention" and I was pissed because I could hear his "coworkers" in the back hollering and having a fabulous time. All of that while I'm frantically trying to take care of Gracie, get packed for this trip, work and am not feeling so hot. Man, it pisses me off just typing it. It's not like it could be helped. It's not even his fault. Just pisses me off that he was there and I'm here I guess.

Gracie was in the tub last night and I was cleaning up, I got the pictures of Audrey out again. It's like I force myself to do it now and then just to prove she was real. It seems so long ago. I really just don't understand how we got here. How did this become my life? Honestly. Last year I was getting ready for this very same trip only I was digging through my maternity clothes because I couldn't fit into my usual stuff. How is it that I was doing that and now I have no baby?? How the fuck does that work?

Maybe I just need a good cry. I've managed to push that back for a while and just ignore those emotions when they come up. Maybe I'm mad because I haven't been able to be sad. Or, haven't let myself be sad. Maybe I'm pissed because my husband feels so disconnected from all of this. He hardly ever mentions Audrey. He doesn't want to be involved in the TTC stuff (well, except for the good part). It's like I feel I'm protecting everyone else's emotions and no one gives a shit what mine are. I think that's it.

People ask how I feel and my patented answer is "fine". Or, something equally as lame. Maybe I feel that if I get started really answering that question I just won't stop. I hate that I just don't want to get into all of it. Who am I protecting? Maybe the answer is me. Maybe I think I'm protecting myself. Crap, this is confusing. How do I sort through all of this? Why do I suddenly feel like I have more questions than I have answers?


Man, I'm still pissed about that white trash tramp being pregnant. Really. I've read entries and comments from others so I know I'm not alone. I still just hate how cruel and unfair the world is. I know that's no real revelation, but I can't help but be pissed.

I'm supposed to be working right now. I really have a ton to do before I leave... That, and a ton that I should have been doing for the last few weeks. I've managed to keep my "mom" duties up-to-date, but my work really has suffered. I have been doing zero that is actually proactive. Given that mine is a sales role, that's not a good thing. I kept telling myself I'd be pregnant by now and that the clock on my continuing to work would start ticking. No love there. Every month that I don't get pregnant is one more month of work.

Crap, I'm whiney today.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Brittany's WHAT??!!

Okay, that's it. Brittany freaking Spears is pregnant and I'm not. This sucks. I hate her.

Monday, April 11, 2005


Okay, now that the sting of last week has worn off a touch, I can try and attempt a coherent thought without the use of profanity... Or at least, I'll give it a shot.

I am trying really hard to let it go and allow things to happen normally. It's really hard for me to do that since I have such control issues. I may well throw all of that in the toilet during the next two-week-wait. BUT, I will be on vacation for all of it and will get home on the day my period is due to arrive. Maybe being gone and busy will take some of the anxiety away. I hope so... I already have some partial ferning this morning and my period was more "normal" this month, so maybe my body is finally getting a clue. It's possible FF was right last month and I did O in CD10. Who the hell knows.

On another note, I managed to get a bladder infection over the weekend. That sucks. I used to get them all the time, but have gotten it down to about one or two a year now. Dr. M called in some antibiotics for me this morning so hopefully that's over sooner than later. I had to go to the hospital for the lab stuff she sent in, that sucked. It's so awful to go in there knowing that was the last place I saw and help my baby. I had to make a trip to the bathroom and even the soap smell reminded me of all of it. It's amazing what brings back memories for me. Thankfully I didn't have to go to the L&D floor.

We leave for my mom's on Sunday so this week will be super busy trying to get packed and my work stuff organized appropriately. I won't be back until May 3, so entries here will be scarce. Please don't forget about me!

I'm really looking forward to the time away. I haven't really gone anywhere for ages and I really think I just have a bit of cabin fever. Life seems to just be going by and I just can't seem to get back on and go with it. I feel like a spectator in my own life sometimes. I'm excited about having the time to slow down and just be. None of us get to do that often enough.

On a separate note, Vixanne, hang in there. I'm thinking of you...

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

I Really Should Have Said It More Than Once

Maybe I'll use the "f" word more in this entry to make up for it.

So, my cycle was only 27 days. I don't know what's up with that. The only thing I can think is that that last one was all screwy and this one was just trying to sort things out for me. I'm telling myself that I will give this two more months (total of 5) before I call Dr. M and beg for drugs. I know that sounds silly, but I will. I will and I'll end up with triplets (cue the visual again KB) as my retribution. Whatever. I'll take it.

This next cycle will be a bust since DH and I will be apart for O. I'll be at my mom's. Figures, huh. So, he-or-she-who-has-yet-to-be-known will not be conceived before summer. That's just how it's going to be. I don't like it, but what am I going to do? Just one more thing on a very long list of things that I do not get to control. I hate that fucking list (there's 1).

So, I'm totally stressing about everything today. I feel like work is way behind. Suddenly the house is a mess and there are not enough hours in the day. Oh, and the laundry is piling up again and the last load from last week is still in the damn dryer. I hate laundry.

Jim is going to be gone until next week. Actually, he'll be gone until the day before I leave for mom's, but what are we gonna do. It sucks, but we knew April was going to be busy. Fuck (there's 2). I like when he takes little trips here and there so I can have a little bit of free time, but this month is a little heavy even for me.

We are supposed to take Gracie to a live Wiggles show tonight. I wonder if they will sell booze there. You think? Probably not, huh. Well, I could really use a drink. I was so hopeful that my temp would go up this morning. Nope. The only thing I can think is that the day FF says I Oed was the first day we started our sex marathon and we just didn't have enough "build up" from the day s previous. Lesson learned. My poor husband got it for 10 days. Then, over. Haven't done it since. Now he's got to wait for AF to leave. Poor guy.

So, I suppose I should got get some of those things done I mentioned earlier.

Fuck (that's 3), today sucks.

The Entry Where I Use the "F" Word

It's CD 1.


Monday, April 04, 2005

Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?

I know people who have struggled with infertility for years. Some have come away with babies and some are still struggling. It breaks my heart even more now because every month feels like such a loss. I know that a couple of months cannot compare with a couple of years (or in one friend's case, seven), but it hurts everytime you have to start the cycle all over again. I can't imagine doing this for months on end. My heart goes out to all of you who are in that position. You have more strength than I think I could ever muster.

My temps are up, but the test this morning was a big fat negative this morning. I'm 13 DPO by my count and 16 by FF's count. Either way, I really thought I'd know by today. I bought tests yesterday that I wish I had left at the store. I hate having them here. They are just wayyy too tempting. I'm going to try and hold off until Thursday morning when FF says I should go ahead and test, but I won't make any promises.

I thought yesterday that my boobs were sore, but today I'm not so sure. I really can't even conjure up any other made up symptoms. That's the best I can do.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

A Prayer

I mean this from the bottom of my heart...

My temps are still up. It's CD 24. I'm dying from the anxiety. Vixanne get her BFP today... I'm so happy for her. (Yay Vixanne!) Honest.

And then, in the same breath, I will be crushed if I don't get mine. I don't really have any symptoms...Real or imagined. It's just so hard not to get my hopes up. I'm not feeling very positive.

Is that self preservation talking? I hope so.


Please, please, please... God, if you're listening, I know I have my moments, but consider this a bonafide prayer... Can we have it this month? Please. I don't want to go and make a bunch of empty promises, I know we don't speak all that often, but this one little thing? Can you help me out? I know you're going to decide the time all on your own, but we're ready. Honest. Gracie wants a brother or sister to love and kiss. Her Daddy and I do too. We miss Audrey like you wouldn't believe (okay, maybe you would) and just really want to try and fill the empty spot in our hearts. Even if it's only a little. We really need to have a happy ending this time.

I've tried to be really strong through this whole ordeal. You decided to take my baby girl. I'm learning to live with that. But, in the interest of fairness, don't we deserve another shot at it? Please, my strength is really starting to wear thin. Please don't make me be strong forever. I just really need a break. Thanks for your consideration...

Friday, April 01, 2005

Waiting, Waiting...CD 23

13 or 8 DPO depending on which dip in my chart you look at. Still have high temps so I suppose I should stay hopeful for now. I've already pretty much given up again. I guess I'm just preparing myself for the let down. I hate that I feel so negative about all of this.