Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Cranky

That's me. Irritated over nothing. All the time.

My mom has been calling to see how I'm feeling and that's getting on my nerves. Jim called last night from his "convention" and I was pissed because I could hear his "coworkers" in the back hollering and having a fabulous time. All of that while I'm frantically trying to take care of Gracie, get packed for this trip, work and am not feeling so hot. Man, it pisses me off just typing it. It's not like it could be helped. It's not even his fault. Just pisses me off that he was there and I'm here I guess.

Gracie was in the tub last night and I was cleaning up, I got the pictures of Audrey out again. It's like I force myself to do it now and then just to prove she was real. It seems so long ago. I really just don't understand how we got here. How did this become my life? Honestly. Last year I was getting ready for this very same trip only I was digging through my maternity clothes because I couldn't fit into my usual stuff. How is it that I was doing that and now I have no baby?? How the fuck does that work?

Maybe I just need a good cry. I've managed to push that back for a while and just ignore those emotions when they come up. Maybe I'm mad because I haven't been able to be sad. Or, haven't let myself be sad. Maybe I'm pissed because my husband feels so disconnected from all of this. He hardly ever mentions Audrey. He doesn't want to be involved in the TTC stuff (well, except for the good part). It's like I feel I'm protecting everyone else's emotions and no one gives a shit what mine are. I think that's it.

People ask how I feel and my patented answer is "fine". Or, something equally as lame. Maybe I feel that if I get started really answering that question I just won't stop. I hate that I just don't want to get into all of it. Who am I protecting? Maybe the answer is me. Maybe I think I'm protecting myself. Crap, this is confusing. How do I sort through all of this? Why do I suddenly feel like I have more questions than I have answers?

8 Comments:

  • At 3:11 PM , Blogger Penny said...

    Just surfin' through on some time to myself before I join my sleeping daughter for a nap. Thought I'd say a few words. I completely get where you are coming from and I hope you feel better soon. Don't let the bad days outweigh the good. I did for a while and it's hard to get back on the other side of the fence. Do something for yourself. And, take care.

     
  • At 7:40 AM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    Hi MB,
    You sound like you have a lot of anger in this post...justified, I might add.

    I was talking to my therapist yesterday and I mentioned that I have about 600 pages of material written down about this. She said, "Think about it. Most people don't say anything. They are carrying around 600 pages worth of pain."

    That is A LOT of pain.

    It sucks that you just have to work through this, but you know that it is just part of the process and you have to go through it to get to the other side. It sucks so bad. I always have those feelings of...things are not supposed to be like this right now.

     
  • At 8:06 AM , Blogger Holly Golightly said...

    go ahead, girl. Have a good cry. It will probably do you good. I have been feeling like I need the same recently. I'm sorry you're feeling crummy.

     
  • At 8:38 AM , Blogger Anam Cara said...

    Hi MB

    I have been lurking on your blog for a while now so I thought I should say hello. We have very similar situations because my second child was also stillborn. I relate so much to this entry. I am irritated all the time too. And my husband pisses me off a lot also because of how we grieve so differently (it sometimes seems to me he isn't grieving, he seems to have gotten over our son's death so quickly). I also feel I have to look at my son's pictures to prove he was real. And then I think this couldn't have happened because how could I have survived such a horrible experience?? And I HATE the question "how are you?" because 99% of people don't care and don't really want to know!!!!!! And that pisses me off even more. So keep venting because you deserve to get it all out. I hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable trip once you get there.

     
  • At 7:05 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    i sooo understand getting out the pictures. our son was full term, so a few of the pictures are presentable enough to have framed and around the house, thank god. i do a regular lap around the house, looking at them.

    i'm a little behind at catching up with your progress - hope you're having a great trip.

     
  • At 7:48 PM , Anonymous KB said...

    I think you need to pick a weekend and come hang out with me. Bring Gracie (R needs the practice of 3!). Bring Audrey's pictures. I've got a big bottle of kahlua. You can drink it and I'll cry right along with you. You are right, it's not fair. Not at all.

    Sending big hugs your way, and hoping you're having a good time!

     
  • At 6:20 AM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    MB, Where are you? I hope all is well....as well as it can be.

     
  • At 9:30 AM , Anonymous Meredith C said...

    Hellooo-ooo-ooo (that's an echo)...are you out there? I miss you---ooo-oooo

     

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