Cranky

That's me. Irritated over nothing. All the time.

My mom has been calling to see how I'm feeling and that's getting on my nerves. Jim called last night from his "convention" and I was pissed because I could hear his "coworkers" in the back hollering and having a fabulous time. All of that while I'm frantically trying to take care of Gracie, get packed for this trip, work and am not feeling so hot. Man, it pisses me off just typing it. It's not like it could be helped. It's not even his fault. Just pisses me off that he was there and I'm here I guess.

Gracie was in the tub last night and I was cleaning up, I got the pictures of Audrey out again. It's like I force myself to do it now and then just to prove she was real. It seems so long ago. I really just don't understand how we got here. How did this become my life? Honestly. Last year I was getting ready for this very same trip only I was digging through my maternity clothes because I couldn't fit into my usual stuff. How is it that I was doing that and now I have no baby?? How the fuck does that work?

Maybe I just need a good cry. I've managed to push that back for a while and just ignore those emotions when they come up. Maybe I'm mad because I haven't been able to be sad. Or, haven't let myself be sad. Maybe I'm pissed because my husband feels so disconnected from all of this. He hardly ever mentions Audrey. He doesn't want to be involved in the TTC stuff (well, except for the good part). It's like I feel I'm protecting everyone else's emotions and no one gives a shit what mine are. I think that's it.

People ask how I feel and my patented answer is "fine". Or, something equally as lame. Maybe I feel that if I get started really answering that question I just won't stop. I hate that I just don't want to get into all of it. Who am I protecting? Maybe the answer is me. Maybe I think I'm protecting myself. Crap, this is confusing. How do I sort through all of this? Why do I suddenly feel like I have more questions than I have answers?