Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

BFN

That may or may not actually mean anything. FF says I oed at CD 10 which seems super early to me. KB thinks that it was more like CD 15 or 16. I have a little temp dip there that may be something. Who knows. I hate this. I said I was not going to test like a maniac like I did last month, but I broke down anyway. If I Oed at CD 10 I would be 11 DPO. Ugh.

I'm missing Audrey a lot lately. Not the break down and bawl agony that sometimes does still strike, but more like a dull ache in my chest that sometimes turns into that sick feeling in my stomach. Where does the time go? I hate that it seems like so long ago she was born and that my mom says she looked like Gracie but I have a hard time remembering that. I find myself sitting and thinking about that day more and more so I don't forget it all. I force myself to remember what it was like to have her in my belly. This time last year I had just found out she was coming. I guess the next few months will be filled with memeories of where I was when and how far I was in my pregnancy. Maybe those thoughts will never end. Maybe they will just change into "what would she be doing now"...

I hate what ifs.

4 Comments:

  • At 6:24 PM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    Hiya,
    I don't have much to add...just letting you know that I read daily and I understand mostly and empathize. I really hope you get that BFP this month.

     
  • At 8:14 PM , Anonymous KB said...

    I don't think they'll ever go away... but that's not necessarily a bad thing either. I think someday you'll remember her with just a *little* less ache and a few more smiles. Y'know, even in the short time she was with you, she brought you so much and changed so many things. Her life was for a reason - and a whopper at that, if you ask me! Didn't you say your brother has the funky gene too? Pretty special little girl, IMO!!!

    (btw, it's not too late to come to Mexico..... just think... two weeks from today we could be hanging out on the beach! Kids could play with grandma, we'd be all set.....)

     
  • At 12:05 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hugs sweetie, I know my loss was in no way shape for form the same but KB is right, it does get a little less ache and lot more smiles. You will always but relish the love you had. Hoping for your BFP soon! Hugs sweetie...

    Shannone424 (parenting babies)
    mommyshannon @ livejournal

     
  • At 12:05 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Hugs sweetie, I know my loss was in no way shape for form the same but KB is right, it does get a little less ache and lot more smiles. You will always but relish the love you had. Hoping for your BFP soon! Hugs sweetie...

    Shannone424 (parenting babies)
    mommyshannon @ livejournal

     

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