Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Because, God Forbid, I Should Relax...redone

NST yesterday. Lots of contractions. Then. Now. Still. I knew I was having them, but I really only noticed before bed and occasionally in the car. Now I'm paying attention. I wish I could stop.

Doc did do a cervical check and so far it's just low and soft, not open. Thank God for small favors I guess. Right now we're just going to watch it and I'm to call if they get worse and try to stay off my feet. Ha!

Also had an ultrasound. That was great. She's* 5 lbs. already. Audrey was born about now and was 3 lbs. 3 oz. Small is a red flag for a problem, we knew Audrey was small but didn't know to look at it as a potential issue. I'm glad Natalie is where she is.

I don't really have much else to say. Maybe I'll try again in a day or two.

*...yeah, typo. Sorry for the panic attacks! Far as we know, still a "she".

Also, I didn't mean for this post to sound so pathetic. I'm really not upset, really. I'm just, well, I don't know. Not upset though. Maybe I'm just done. I'm done. If she's coming now, I'm okay with that. So long as she's alive. Now is okay.

Of course, her room is a mess and her clothes are either in need of washing or they need the tags off or both. Oh, and I don't have a bag packed or any idea what I would take to the hospital. So you know, that would suck. Maybe I should do that...just in case I have to ask someone to grab my stuff...


Monday, August 20, 2007


I don't know how to label this week. I'm 33 weeks. Audrey was gone at 33 weeks. I'm here. I'm scared. I know we've made it this far. Intellectually, I know that. My heart doesn't get it the same way.

Every time I get a kick or a stretch I wonder if it will be the last. I don't know if I remember Audrey's last, but I remember distinctly the last time I remember feeling that little foot stretch into my side. I'll never forget how that felt. Reaching over and feeling her little foot hang there for a minute and then recede back into the comfort of my tummy.

And then, I got busy. I was working, I had a 20 month old to chase after. My grandmother was with us... My parents were staying with us taking refuge from hurricane Ivan. So much going on. So much going on while my baby was dying. How do you miss something like that? How do you miss the death of your child. And yet, it happens. It happened to me. To us.

Gracie had an appointment today to get her Health Certificate for the new school year. First time with this doctor. Since we were new we had to answer the usual family history questions. I had to mention Audrey and her heart defect. My clotting issues. It was hard. Hard to not cry.

Even harder when Gracie chimed in about her two sisters. One in mommy's tummy and one in heaven. I never know how to feel when she talks about Audrey. Part of me is always sad that she has to deal with the death of her sister. Part of me is sad for what she's lost. Part of me is proud at how she handles it and what a big girls she is for just putting it out there in a way that I never can. So matter-of-fact. as if to say, "This is my life and I'm okay with it."

I listened to her and the doctor discuss Audrey and how Gracie felt about it. I heard him tell her that she was very lucky girl to have a sister in heaven who could look out for her down here. How exciting it would be to have a sister here and a sister there. The tears rolled down my cheeks as her eyes brightened at being so "lucky".

I wish it made me feel lucky. But, I'm glad that she can feel lucky even if I can't. In fact, I think I'd trade my feeling lucky for her to feel that way.

So, we continue to wait. I feel like my belly is a timebomb. Like at any minute everything will explode and we will lose everything again.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Why can't she ask easy questions?

Like many of us, I struggle with the concept of God and religion. So, when Gracie tossed this one at me, I was sort of baffled as to what I should say...

Her: "Mommy, what is the Bible?"

Me: "Um, can't we talk about the birds and the bees, honey?"

Oy. I'd rather talk about sex than religion with my 4 year-old. Bring on the therapy.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Ummm, I got nothing

Like everyone else, it's too hot to think straight. It's still not Vegas hot. I shouldn't complain. But, I will...only a little. Thank God we got a little rain today. Still pretty steamy.

'Nother week down. NST was good. C-section at 1:00 on the 21st of September. I hate to say it, but I am scared to death of the amnio. You'd think after the 500 some odd needles I've had in the last 3 years, I would not be phased... But, that one, she's a big ass needle. Someone tell me it won't hurt.

Really, lie if you have to.

Thursday, August 02, 2007


NST was fine. Took time to get her to cooperate with the raising-the-heart-rate part, but she did. Ultrasound showed nothing worrisome. She's a little more than 3 pounds. That alone makes me feel better since we know Audrey was always a little behind and was 3'3" when she was born...(no one remind me about the error facto on u/s measurements, please).


Scheduled amnio for 9-20 and birthday for 9-21. I'll be 37 weeks on the 21st. I'm glad that's done. Seems so close, yet so far.


Gracie fell off of her pony at her lesson today. Thankfully, I was petting the barn cat at the time and totally missed the fall. I caught it when she was getting up and crying, but her instructor was handling it and I could tell she wasn't hurt. I managed to stay at the rail and let them handle it...that was the right thing to do because in just a minute she was hopping back on and getting back to her. I couldn't be more proud. A fall was bound to happen, so I'm glad it happened in a way that didn't scare her into quitting.

That's my girl.


It's hot today. Not Vegas hot, but hot enough to keep me inside on the couch most of the day. Again. My excuse for not doing anything is the heat. Don't remind me that the air is set to 71 at the moment.


I think there was more, but I just can't seem to remember. Dammit. It's the heat.