Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Tagged...6 Weird Things About Me

I've been tagged by Jill. One of the rules was taht I had to tag six others... I haven't yet caught up with everyone else, so I'm not tagging anyone yet because I don't really know who's already been tagged. So, sorry Jill. I suck.

I will share with you all my weird-ness though...

1. There are people in "real life" who think it's weird that all of my "internet friends" really know more about me and my life than they do. I guess it could be considered odd. I don't think you all will think it's particularly weird, but I guess it kind of is.

2. I'm a total chicken. I totally belive in ghosts and other super-natural stuff. I still remember all the ghost stories I knew as a kid. I still think of the one about the headless sisters following their little sister up the stairs one night after saying they'd never leave her when she was scared everytime I have to take the dogs out in the middle of the night. I still leap into bed so that the monster under it cannot grab my ankles. Nut job.

3. I have OCD when it comes to my house being clean. I cannot sleep if there are dishes in my sink or if my bathroom counter is cluttered. I have to finsh laundry in one day because my way of doing it entails piles of clothes divided by color and load all over the floor and I cannot go to bed with shit all of the floor. BUT, I have such issue with clutter, but only if it is seen. So, I am constantly shoving things into the closest drawer or cabinet and then losing them because I never reemember where I stick things. Seriously. I have issues.

4. I was married before. When I was 20. It was a disaster. He turned out to have a drug problem, and oh, there was that little problem with abusing me. I couldn't even begin to tell you where he is now or even know how to find him (though I did search the obituaries in his hometown once because I was sure he'd have killed himself one way or another by now).

5. My parents did a lot of drugs when I was a kid. My dad sold pot for the extra cash. They struggled a lot financially, so the extra income helped. I remember going to the garden store to buy lady bugs for the giant pot plants he had in our greenhouse. It seems like it was always around (along with other drugs, coke, pills...), it was around at least until I was in high school because I busted my dad with a joint and a big bag of buds when I was a senior. The thing is that I never drank until I was old enough and I can count on one hand the number of times I've smoked pot. I've never done anything else. In fact, even all the times I've been given Vicoden and other pain stuff, the most I can make myself take is an 800mg Ibuprofen. My parents were the epitome of sex, drugs and rock & roll when I was a kid. I've always been conservative.

6. I have a big butt. My dad used to tell me I could sit on the floor and swing my feet. Nice, huh?

Monday, December 25, 2006

I'm not dead

This should prove it.

We are at my parents'. It's Christmas. So, Merry Chrismas.

The little brown guy is Rifle. We picked him up last week. He's a freaking doll. He took his first swim in the lake you see behind us just today.

I don't have the computer unpacked yet. I still cannot find the phone. There are boxes everywhere. It's crazy, but life is good.

I start the Lupron and other stuff for our FET this week. Our transfer is scheduled for 1/26/07 in Vegas. I don't know how I'm going to handle G's birthday yet (1/27/07). I will be on day 1 of bedrest. I'm hoping a trip to Chuck E. Cheese with daddy will suffice.

I'm going to catch up with all of you as soon as I can.

Love to you all.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Out of Pocket

Movers start today. Supposedly two days to pack and the load/leave Wednesday. I don't know how fast my computer will get torn down, so it's possible I may not be around after today until I get things set up on the other end around the 15th.

I'll try and check in if I can, but if not, I will catch you all before Christmas.

Sunday, December 03, 2006


I've read before that there are no such things as coincidences. I often find myself seeing, hearing and reading things that make me think of something else and I wonder if it's coincidence, or if there's a reason. Maybe my subconscious has something to say or maybe there is someone out there trying to get a message to me.

Is it coincidence when I call a friend and they say that they've been thinking of me or vice versa? What about when I read something that reminds me of a dead family member or friend. Could it be that person saying hi and letting me know they think about me?

When Gracie left school, there were a few kids and teachers who got her gifts. She was given two books by a teacher and a friend. They were both written by women named Audrey. I found that so odd. It's really not a super common name. Could it have been my sweet girl saying "HI!" to her sister and me?

I was thinking today about the lady who watched Gracie for me when I was working from home and pregnant with Audrey. She was an older woman who only had one living son and another child who was stillborn at about 33 weeks. She was Rh negative like me and we talked on many occasions about how fortunate I was that we had modern medicine on our side these days (yeah, I know...haha). I ended up letting her go a few weeks before Audrey was born because she started to get a little crazy with Gracie and I. She would often slip and call me her daughter and Gracie her granddaughter. She got really weird about my pregnancy and how she thought it didn't look right. How I didn't look pregnant "enough" and whatnot. She seemed like she was getting forgetful and generally confused. I wonder now if she knew something I didn't know. She stopped by the day I came home from the hospital after Audrey was born. Just dropped by. I made my brother answer the door and tell her not to come back. Is it possible that on some level she knew what was going to happen? Should I have been more attentive to what she was saying? I really just thought she was nuts at the time. Now? I don't know.

I think about the day I heard and saw the cockatiel at my office and how I instantly felt my grandmother with me. I felt her knowing that I was having a shit day and her knowledge of how that feels and comfort in her knowing.

Is it possible that these things really are people we love trying to communicate and make contact? I feel now that it has to be true and that I just have to pay attention or I might miss a message from someone I care about.