Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Laura and Justin

I'm sorry you guys. My heart is breaking for you. Our hearts with be with you guys and we're sending love up to Hans and the Tadpole.

23rd Post...


5th Sentence:
"I've felt that back-of-the-throat pukey feeling for a couple of says now. "

Obvioiusly back when I had the mistaken thought I could get pregnant and actually have symptoms.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005


We might be moving. Jim has interviewed with a company located in Phoenix and I think he has a super shot at it. I'm not thrilled about moving to yet another boring desert city. I'm really more into green hills and trees than cacti and joshua trees.

I haven't spent much time in Phoenix. My dealings there have been for work and involve a quick trip from the airport to a really seedy side of town to a factory. My opinion based on those experiences is not favorable. I have been told that there are really pretty parts and that I should keep an open mind, so I'm trying. I have one friend who says it's nicer than Vegas. I hope she's right.

I was (am) shocked how expensive it is there. Things here have skyrocketed and I think are really overpriced (real estate). To my shock, they are more expensive in Phoenix. Why is that? Maybe it is better.

I told Jim if we moved it was going to be the sort that involved me not working anymore, so he better make sure he had his bases covered when they talked salary. He'd be an officer at this company, so I'm sure the money will be better, but we'll have to see how that balances out with the cost of living.

I think I'm ready to go. The the part about not working would be worth it me. Here's hoping...

Thursday, September 22, 2005


I kind of feel like life is in this limbo-ish state. Things have been so crazy for so long and now it seems like most of what we were running to or from is stopped. Last September we were reeling from our loss, January came and we spent through May/June TTC and being a chart-o-holic, all summer we did the infertility my-body-is-rebelling-on-me thing, then September came and we had to mourn our daughter all over again. Now, we don't start IVF until late October, so I don't really know what to do with myself now.

I am bummed that we have to wait until October for IVF. I have no patience.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Thank You

I continue to be amazed at the support I receive here. You guys are all amazing. Your well wishes and thoughtful notes have brought us such comfort in the last few days. When I started my journal before Gracie was born, I never dreamed that it would one day become a blog with so many readers and just people who have come to care so much. It's all very heart warming.

Thank you doesn't quite seem to cut it, but it's the best I've got in this forum. So, thank you all.

Friday, September 16, 2005

I hope this works...Slideshow from today...

I can't take any credit for this. One of my friends took the pictures and put the whole thing togather. I love her.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

That's all I can muster for now... I'll be back later. Mommy loves you from here to the stars and back again.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

What I should be doing is paying bills.

Today's payday, why not go ahead and get broke, huh?

My poor darling Gracie has been a pill for a few days. Her world is a mess. Mommy's working all day, Daddy's been gone for ages and Grammie & Papa went home to survey the wreckage. Tough week for a two-year old. Oh, and she has to sleep in her bed. So she lets us know by having two pee accidents for B and a poop for me. She's been potty trained for ages, I guess she's just still too little to tell us she's upset.

I was mad at first after the poo. I got us both in the shower, both of us crying our eyes out, and cleaned us up. We crawled right in to bed and cuddled for a bit. In bed at 7:00 and asleep by 8:00. We must have both needed it.

She and I are going to make cupcakes for Audrey tonight. We are going to the park tomorrow to have them and send off our balloons. I went to playgroup this morning in an effort to spend a little more quality time with Gracie. It was nice. No one there really knows what tomorrow is. I had just joined the group when Audrey was born, so it's not common knowledge. After I left, B told them. She told them we were going to the park and sending off the balloons. I think she thought I would be mad, but they all asked to join us. I'm not sure who I love more; her for telling them, or the girls for wanting to come.

So, tomorrow Jim & I are off from work. We plan to have our day and then B & K and I are going out for drinks. Saturday is B's birthday (last year I had to call her on her birthday morning and tell her Audrey was gone...Happy freaking birthday).

So, today is the one year anniversary of the last time I remember feeling my daughter move. It was one strong stretch that gave me a jab in my left side. I wish there had been many more after that.

C'mon Saturday.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Hit Me Baby One More Time

Well, the bitch had her kid. I'd hope he has colic, but she'd jut hand him off to the nanny and go back to bed.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Tick Tock Tick Tock

The days are already passing slowly. I just need Friday to get here and be gone. The nightmares started again over the weekend. It's been so long since I had one that I thought they might be over for good. Ha! The one that sticks with me most is the one where I have left the hospital and they told me I could come back for my baby. They made me leave without her. I spend the rest of the dream frantically calling the hospital and doctors and banging on doors trying to get someone to give her back to me, trying in vain to get someone to talk to me and tell me that she's okay and I can have her back.

I had said before that I didn't know what I'd do if I wasn't pregnant again by the time her birthday arrived. It really never occurred to me that I wouldn't be by now. But, somehow, the horror of that isn't here. The fact that there isn't another baby on the way yet isn't really a problem as of yet. I guess maybe I have plenty of other shit to freak out about. I can't believe it's been a year. I know I keep saying that. Maybe I say it in an effort to try and understand where the time has gone.

In other recent developments, Gracie is officially sleeping in her own bed. Last year this time we were trying to transition her so when Audrey arrived, she would be all cozy in her own room. Then, when that didn't work out, and probably as a way to comfort ourselves, she moved back in with us. It's funny, I can remember lying in Gracie's bed with her the night before Audrey was born, explaining to him that I hadn't felt her move and that I was getting worried. He brought me ice cream and we sat patiently waiting, both of us talking to her and poking at her trying to get a reaction. We both fell asleep worried, but not yet panicked. We both thought she was just sleepy and we'd get something from her in the morning. Now, almost a year to the day later, Gracie is back in her little room sleeping like an angel.

I hope this next year has great things in store. I feel somehow like I was robbed of a year of my life. I feel like this last year was so full of struggle, that I didn't get to enjoy any of it. That really pisses me off because it means that I missed a year of my living daughter's life too. That just doesn't seem fair to me. In one sense I wish I could have it back and in another, I just want to pretend it never happened.

Will any of this ever make sense?

Insult to Injury

So, on this anniversary week of my daughter's death, what do I finally get in the mail?

The fucking bill from the hospital. I had almost started to beleive that they had written it off out of respect for what we went through. Assholes.

Friday, September 09, 2005


I want to add links to you guys, but I'm too computer/blogger retarded. Any pointers?

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

CD1...Onward and Upward

Well, she's here. It's CD1. I go see Dr. Baby Maker tomorrow for all the baseline stuff and to get the labwork done for the study. I guess they keep all IVF patients on the same schedule, they do them every 6-8 weeks. I missed the window for the current cycle. Mine won't start until October 28-30. That means transfer would be the first part of the second week of November. Where has the time gone? I wish we didn't have to wait so long.

Wow, almost a year to the day of Audrey's due date.

Audrey's first birthday is next week. Friday the 16th. I can't believe it's been a year. I wonder how Friday will go for me. All next week I will be thinking about what I was doing the year before. I know when I remember feeling the last kick. What I was doing in the days leading up to her birthday and what I was doing the day she was born. I remember all of it with a clarity that breaks my heart so badly I just want to throw up.

As her birthday approaches, I am getting more and more emotional. I feel myself having a shorter temper, I feel the tears well up more easily and I find myself being very irritable.

I think I'm learning the hard way (again) that just when you think you have it licked and you can deal with the hurt and the anger, something happens to bring it all rushing back. I guess that is how life will be from now on. Just when I think I'm okay...I'm not.