Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Tick Tock Tick Tock

The days are already passing slowly. I just need Friday to get here and be gone. The nightmares started again over the weekend. It's been so long since I had one that I thought they might be over for good. Ha! The one that sticks with me most is the one where I have left the hospital and they told me I could come back for my baby. They made me leave without her. I spend the rest of the dream frantically calling the hospital and doctors and banging on doors trying to get someone to give her back to me, trying in vain to get someone to talk to me and tell me that she's okay and I can have her back.

I had said before that I didn't know what I'd do if I wasn't pregnant again by the time her birthday arrived. It really never occurred to me that I wouldn't be by now. But, somehow, the horror of that isn't here. The fact that there isn't another baby on the way yet isn't really a problem as of yet. I guess maybe I have plenty of other shit to freak out about. I can't believe it's been a year. I know I keep saying that. Maybe I say it in an effort to try and understand where the time has gone.

In other recent developments, Gracie is officially sleeping in her own bed. Last year this time we were trying to transition her so when Audrey arrived, she would be all cozy in her own room. Then, when that didn't work out, and probably as a way to comfort ourselves, she moved back in with us. It's funny, I can remember lying in Gracie's bed with her the night before Audrey was born, explaining to him that I hadn't felt her move and that I was getting worried. He brought me ice cream and we sat patiently waiting, both of us talking to her and poking at her trying to get a reaction. We both fell asleep worried, but not yet panicked. We both thought she was just sleepy and we'd get something from her in the morning. Now, almost a year to the day later, Gracie is back in her little room sleeping like an angel.

I hope this next year has great things in store. I feel somehow like I was robbed of a year of my life. I feel like this last year was so full of struggle, that I didn't get to enjoy any of it. That really pisses me off because it means that I missed a year of my living daughter's life too. That just doesn't seem fair to me. In one sense I wish I could have it back and in another, I just want to pretend it never happened.

Will any of this ever make sense?


  • At 3:05 PM , Anonymous KB said...

    Aww, you make my heart ache right along with yours.

    And no, none of it will make sense, I don't think. Maybe it will in the end when you get to ask the big guy himself, but I don't think so before then.

    HUGS to you! And just so you know, the kids and I are sending Audrey four pink balloons on Friday. You might see them whizzing past... ;)

  • At 5:34 PM , Blogger Julie said...

    No, I don't think it ever CAN make sence. I hated that first birthday. For probably the 48 hours before Caleb's first birthday, I thought of what I was doing a year ago EVERY time I looked at the clock. I know I relived it all minute by minute.

    You are in my thoughts. ((((hugs))))

    And YAY!!! for Gracie sleeping in her bed!! What a huge step!

  • At 3:58 AM , Blogger Jill said...

    It's strange, but one of the things that was important to me was getting S into a bed and the crib out of sight so T could use it when he arrived without her being jealous. And then he died and she was still in it and suddenly months later it all happened without struggle but for no reason:( She could stay where she was for as long as she liked.

    I don't know how Audrey's death can ever make sense. I am wishing you all the strength you need to get through this week and start a new and wonderful year ((hugs))

  • At 5:02 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

    I agree... I don't know how to make sense of any of it. Sometimes i have vague feelings like it should all be a dream i wake up from. I also feel this pulling ache about having another baby. I also feel that the minimum amount of time from when i got pregnant with Kate until we have another baby will be 27 months are a big waste of my life. Like i am just existing until i get to the point of actually getting a baby to take home.

  • At 6:17 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    I'm so sorry you're having nightmares. I have them myself and know they're no picnic. Just try to hang in there. The "experts" say the anticipation is often worse than the actual day. You're strong and you WILL get through this. And hopefully you'll be able to remember your beautiful Audrey with a smile.


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