Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

CD1...Onward and Upward

Well, she's here. It's CD1. I go see Dr. Baby Maker tomorrow for all the baseline stuff and to get the labwork done for the study. I guess they keep all IVF patients on the same schedule, they do them every 6-8 weeks. I missed the window for the current cycle. Mine won't start until October 28-30. That means transfer would be the first part of the second week of November. Where has the time gone? I wish we didn't have to wait so long.

Wow, almost a year to the day of Audrey's due date.

Audrey's first birthday is next week. Friday the 16th. I can't believe it's been a year. I wonder how Friday will go for me. All next week I will be thinking about what I was doing the year before. I know when I remember feeling the last kick. What I was doing in the days leading up to her birthday and what I was doing the day she was born. I remember all of it with a clarity that breaks my heart so badly I just want to throw up.

As her birthday approaches, I am getting more and more emotional. I feel myself having a shorter temper, I feel the tears well up more easily and I find myself being very irritable.

I think I'm learning the hard way (again) that just when you think you have it licked and you can deal with the hurt and the anger, something happens to bring it all rushing back. I guess that is how life will be from now on. Just when I think I'm okay...I'm not.


  • At 4:09 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    Good luck with Dr. Babymaker. I'll be thinking of you this week and wishing you some peace.

  • At 9:01 PM , Anonymous Erin said...

    Ooh you changed things on your Blog...Very nice!!
    I have been thinking alot about you lately. This birthday will be a big milestone for you, and I hope you get through it ok. I know it's gonna be hard and my thoughts are with you. I hope you update alot on how you are doing so I can keep track of you, and also keep us updated on how things are going with your parents and their house and everything. Love ya! Erin

  • At 7:46 AM , Blogger Julie said...

    Anniversaries bring it all back up to the surface, and you relive every moment over and over. It's so hard and so emotional, but usually the days leading up to the day are the worst. You can get through it, although it's not easy. You are definately in my thoughts and prayers.

    Good luck with Dr. Babymaker!!

  • At 2:41 AM , Blogger Jill said...

    I will be thinking of you too. It will be a hard week. I think when the time comes for me, remembering the clueless happiness in the days leading up to the event will be as hard as remembering THE day.

    Wishing you peace and strength((hugs))

  • At 4:47 AM , Blogger Anam Cara said...

    I will be away next week and won't have Interent access so I wanted to tell you now that I will be thinking of you. I found the days leading up to the 1st anniversary REALLY difficult (I thought at the time I might have had PTSD because I couldn't stop thinking about every minute of that horrible day). I was able to find some peace on the actual day (I don't know how!). But it is still really hard. Sending you lots of love during this difficult time.

  • At 6:10 AM , Blogger lauralu said...

    like the new look - very mellow.

    not having passed that milestone myself, i cannot imagine what audrey's 1st birthday will be like, but i will be wishing you love and happy memories of the joy she brought you while you carried her.

  • At 7:56 AM , Anonymous Michelle A said...

    I cannot believe it's almost a year already. I am praying for you and thinking about you this week.

    I miss you.


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