Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Can't Sleep

We have had the craziest thunderstorm all day today. It's rained, it's hailed, it's rained some more. It's crazy. Really. And now, everyone is asleep and I'm wide awake listening to the rain and trying to run through the next few days in my head.

I'm trying really hard not to over-react and jump to any conclusions. We have no reason to think that we are dealing with anything but a silly old cyst that every woman gets. But, I can't help but wonder about the 'what-ifs'. In less than 48 hours, we will (hopefully) have all the answers and they will all be good. I hope I won't still be in the hospital. I hope they will let me come home. I hope the surgery is not invasive and that they can leave me all my parts. I hope that when it's all over we can look back and just be grateful it's done and not worried about the road ahead.

I find myself being more reflective than I usually am. I am usually one of those people who doesn't like to look back, only forward. You learn your lessons, and you move on. I guess if life has taught me anything in the last year, it's that there's always something that will make you look back. I have Audrey. I will always look back and wonder if September 16, 2004 had been different in any way, would my baby girl still be here. Would Gracie have her sister and what would we be doing differently today?

I think about the last time I remember a good swift kick, the last appointment we had with Dr. M where her heart was going strong on the ultrasound screen. I think about what Gracie would be like today of her sister were still alive. Would she be a different kid because she had to start sharing her parents? Really, that's an honest question, right?

How would my life be different today if Audrey were here right now and asleep in her crib?

I wish I knew.


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  • At 12:13 AM , Anonymous Erin said...

    I thought I'd leave you a real comment since clearly "anonymous" seems to care less about your surgery this week, and only about soliciting you for innappropriate things.
    I am going to be thinking of you and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this is just something you will get past and forget about quickly so you can move on. It's time to give that cyst it's eviction notice. I hope your big date with the potty tommorow isn't too yucky! :) love ya

  • At 5:56 AM , Blogger Julie said...

    Omg, again with the spamming??? Lovely.....
    I truely wish that Audrey was here with you, asleep in her crib. I wonder how I am different now too. I wonder if I would be the mother I am now to Evan if his brother hadn't died. I know the answer is no, I am not the same mother I would have been.
    I have you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your surgery goes well and it's just a regular old cyst. Hoping the next couple of days fly by for you.

  • At 5:57 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    I wish I had something insightful to say that would make you feel better. I'm thinking about you and wishing you nothing but good things.

  • At 8:56 AM , Anonymous Michelle A said...

    Just want you to know I will be thinking about you during your surgery and praying that you will find the answers you need. (((hugs)))

  • At 10:26 AM , Blogger Holly Golightly said...

    Good luck this week. I'll be thinking of you and hoping all good things.

  • At 3:58 AM , Blogger Jill said...

    Michelle, I'm wishing you all the best with your surgery and hope that your entire wishlist for the outcomes is your reality.

    I wish I had something better to say, but know I am thinking of you ((hugs))


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