Can't Sleep

We have had the craziest thunderstorm all day today. It's rained, it's hailed, it's rained some more. It's crazy. Really. And now, everyone is asleep and I'm wide awake listening to the rain and trying to run through the next few days in my head.

I'm trying really hard not to over-react and jump to any conclusions. We have no reason to think that we are dealing with anything but a silly old cyst that every woman gets. But, I can't help but wonder about the 'what-ifs'. In less than 48 hours, we will (hopefully) have all the answers and they will all be good. I hope I won't still be in the hospital. I hope they will let me come home. I hope the surgery is not invasive and that they can leave me all my parts. I hope that when it's all over we can look back and just be grateful it's done and not worried about the road ahead.

I find myself being more reflective than I usually am. I am usually one of those people who doesn't like to look back, only forward. You learn your lessons, and you move on. I guess if life has taught me anything in the last year, it's that there's always something that will make you look back. I have Audrey. I will always look back and wonder if September 16, 2004 had been different in any way, would my baby girl still be here. Would Gracie have her sister and what would we be doing differently today?

I think about the last time I remember a good swift kick, the last appointment we had with Dr. M where her heart was going strong on the ultrasound screen. I think about what Gracie would be like today of her sister were still alive. Would she be a different kid because she had to start sharing her parents? Really, that's an honest question, right?

How would my life be different today if Audrey were here right now and asleep in her crib?

I wish I knew.