Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


That may or may not actually mean anything. FF says I oed at CD 10 which seems super early to me. KB thinks that it was more like CD 15 or 16. I have a little temp dip there that may be something. Who knows. I hate this. I said I was not going to test like a maniac like I did last month, but I broke down anyway. If I Oed at CD 10 I would be 11 DPO. Ugh.

I'm missing Audrey a lot lately. Not the break down and bawl agony that sometimes does still strike, but more like a dull ache in my chest that sometimes turns into that sick feeling in my stomach. Where does the time go? I hate that it seems like so long ago she was born and that my mom says she looked like Gracie but I have a hard time remembering that. I find myself sitting and thinking about that day more and more so I don't forget it all. I force myself to remember what it was like to have her in my belly. This time last year I had just found out she was coming. I guess the next few months will be filled with memeories of where I was when and how far I was in my pregnancy. Maybe those thoughts will never end. Maybe they will just change into "what would she be doing now"...

I hate what ifs.

Monday, March 28, 2005

A Tale of Two Sweaters

Last year I bought these two chenille sweaters for the girls to wear at Easter. They were matching pink and so cozy I was dying for them to be worn.

When we lost Audrey, I decided to give B the sweaters for her girls to wear. It was really heart wrenching, but I wanted to do it. I wanted them to have the sweaters and I wanted to see them get worn. It felt right. It was hard, tearful and gut wrenching, but right.

So yesterday they came over...wearing the sweaters. I cried and cried. It was so awful. It didn't change my mind about wanting B's girls to have them, but it was still really hard knowing that my girls should have been wearing them.

I'll try and post some Easter pictures in my next entry. Maybe it will be more positive than these last two were.

I Hate Tax Time

My husband becomes Mr. Hyde every year at this time. I just want to move every March/April. Move without him. He is really the nicest, most kind-hearted guy you'd ever want to meet...Except when it comes to money. He becomes a complete and utter asshole. Seriously. No exaggeration.

We had company all weekend and then had friends over for dinner on Easter. He knew this was happening, it had been planned for weeks. He was a complete ass to what he considers "my friends" and when "his friend" got here he and his wife were the only ones Jim was nice to. Honest. He was nasty to everyone (including the two-year olds) but them. I wanted to kill him. I might still. He snapped at everyone all day long. I wanted to make him go away.

He's been so over-dramatic about the tax stuff it's disgusting. Honest. I just can't even believe that the person I'm married to is this man who has been such a jerk. I know we all have off days, but literally, everything that comes out of his mouth is either contradictory to conversations we've already had or just plain mean. I hate this. I just don't need this crap right now.

We had invited his mother to come for the weekend when he talked to her last week. Any of you who have known me a while know what a monster she is. I really just can't stand the woman. She's mean and manipulative and it just makes me sick. At any rate, she decided not to come for the holiday. My feeling sorry for her ended there. She chose to be alone. So, Jim talks to her yesterday and she does this whole song and dance about how no one has called her, she's all alone and that she's having KFC for dinner. My first thought? Though shit, you chose it. I don't want to hear it. James reaction? To call all his brothers and bitch at them for not calling and mope around because his "poor" mother is having KFC for Easter dinner. First off, she's alone because she chose it and second, KFC is not the only place to eat where she lives. She has TONS of nice places to go, and manages to go any other time of year. She probably did go to a nice place yesterday but wanted Jim to feel bad for her so she just told him that's what she was doing.

Did I mention how pissed I am?

AAAHHHHHH!!!! I just want to beat the living shit out of him!! I am soo pissed. I've decided I'm not making dinner tonight. I'll get Gracie and I fed and he can work it out for himself. I cooked nice meals all fucking weekend and he was a complete jerk the whole time. He can eat cereal for all I care. Jack ass.

Thank God he's going out of town for two days. I wish I could go to my mom's early and just make him miss us for a while.


Sunday, March 27, 2005


Okay. Never had one of those before. It's 97.07 and FF gave me an O date of CD 10. That would make sense with my temps and with the ferning that started on CD 10, well, that's the first day I looked. So, Temps are all still high. I have no idea what's up. I have 7 days above the coverline whatever that means.

Note to more research on self.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

So Confused

Never have gotten a positive OPK. At least, I don't think so. Ferning was totally gone in both of today's spit tests. It's CD 15. FF says tomorrow should be O day. I've gotten no signs that is really the case. Temp went down this morning. Honestly, it's been all over the board the last few days. I'm so lost. I really hate feeling like I have so little freaking control. I'm so not good at just waiting for the pieces to just magically fall into place. Does that ever really happen?

It seems like the more I pay attention, the less I understand. Maybe sometimes having too much information really is a bad thing. I feel like that sometimes. Like it';s really great to live in an age when we have so much knowledge right at our fingertips and then sometimes I feel like life was so much easier when I had no idea. Ignorance really is bliss. Truly.

Spent 10 hours with my boss today. Gracie was with B all day. I missed her so bad and now that we're home, I'm just exhausted. I feel terrible that she's in her room watching a movie when I haven't seen her all day, but my fuse is so short I'm no fun. Terrible mommy today, I guess. I have big plans for coloring eggs and stuff tomorrow, I hope that makes up for today.

Jim's off tomorrow but he's playing golf. He needs a mental break from work. Mental health day of sorts. Sometimes I feel bad for him and other days I want to knock his teeth out. He's been really sweet this week. I feel pretty grateful. Better than last week when he was in the doghouse.

I wish I had something really profound to say. I just don't life is just so blah right now. I want this part over with already.

Is it over yet??

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

OPK Hell

I got super excited this morning after trying out the OPK thing again. When I first did it, I thought for sure it was positive. The second line was darker than the lines I saw on the kit from last month. But, I think it's negative. I tried another one just a bit ago, but it's negative also. I hate these freaking things. It really is hard to tell if one line is really darker than the other.

I think my original plan of just jumping my husband every other night for the next two weeks is just going to have to stick. I just don't trust the results of these things....Or is that my ability to read them??

Monday, March 21, 2005

Gracie Funny

So, I'm trying to teach Gracie not to interrupt and when she does to say "excuse me". Today B and I were at lunch and we were jabbering like we do when I sneezed. We just kept talking until Gracie tapped me on the arm and here's how the conversation went

Her: Mommy, scuse me's

Me: (turning to her all proud because she's being so polite) Yes, Gracie

Her: Bless you

And she went right back to her chips.

It still makes me giggle. That's the good stuff.

What to Say...

I'm sort of at a loss for entries right now. I'm waiting for O. Making my poor husband late for work every morning... You all know the deal. He seems a little more into it than I thought he'd be. I guess knowing he's going to get laid every other day for the next two weeks is keeping him involved. I guess that should come as no real surprise.

Work sucks. I'm really busy and my heart isn't in it for oh, so many reasons. Today was a zoo. B came to watch Gracie at around ten this morning and I hadn't managed more than a cup of milk and Sesame Street for my poor daughter. B had to change her and get her dressed. I felt like a horrible mommy. I have to learn to just let the office phone ring. It's so hard to juggle from one to the other all at the same time.

B wants me to quit and do daycare with her. I'd love being with the kids and being my own boss. But, I gotta be honest, there's a lot more to it than just hanging out with the kids all day. I'm not sure I can deal with the parents. KB has been kind enough to help me see what it's reall all about and buy howdy...I'm not so sure about it now. I thought KB was a superhero before, now that I have a better handle on what really goes on, she's a MAJOR superhero in my book. I just don't know if I can make that kind of commitment. I need some more time with that one.

The pool table finally came. Nice to have the last room in the house furnished. We've only been here a year and a half... Took long enough. Still a few finishing touches I want to make to that room, but nothing huge.

Talk about your boring posts. Sheesh. I hope they improve...

Saturday, March 19, 2005


So I started using the saliva scope...Spit test. Today I have ferning. Now, never having done this before, I don't really know when it is "partial" or "full" ferning. There were a lot of ferns in there, I can tell you that. What does it mean? How long do I have. I think I'll try the OPK tomorrow and see what happens. I used it last month starting on CD11 and got nothing. My temps have not come up yet. Still very low, lower this morning in fact. I dunno. I guess we have a busy week ahead of us.

Somehow I don't feel as pressured this month. I don't really know why. We go on vacation next month, so now I'm stressing about finding out at the beginning of April and not being able to get to the doctor before we leave. We'll be gone two weeks, so it'll be May. I might spend my vacation worried about what's happening.

Whatever, I'll take it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


It's 7:15 PM. Jim just called he's on his way home. He rattled off a litany of excuses. I was threatened with my job, the world is caving in... Blah, blah, blah. So, what can I say? I had a shitty day too? My boss fucked be out of my bonus today, 6 months ago my baby died and today is my anniversary but my husband doesn't give a shit enough to make it home for dinner?

I'm so pissed I want to lock myself in the bedroom until he's gone in the morning. I feel so unimportant.

It's Not Like It's Our Anniversary or Anything

I've been trying to call DH (does not stand for "dear husband" right now) for two hours. He's on his office on the phone. It's almost six. You'd think this is one of only a handful of days in the year when he'd drag his sorry ass home from work at a decent hour. He's been out of town for 5 days, and leaving again tomorrow, AND it's our anniversary. I'm so pissed, I can't even say.

He tried to do good this morning, wrote me a card (that he signed while sitting on the throne this morning) and even sent one in the mail that I got today. I've been trying to stay positive that he'd be home at a decent time...positive thinking is OVER.

He's on my shit list big time. Credit card will PAY.

3 Years Ago Today, 6 Months Ago Today

Three years ago today, My husband and I were married.

Six months ago today, my baby was born and I had to say goodbye to her.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Sneaky Tears

Just when you think you have all the hurt and tears under control, they sneak up on you.

I had a few minutes to fool around on the web tonight and wandered onto the site that was created whe we lost Audrey. It's the only real thing out in the world totally dedicated to her. No one knows it's there but me and when I go it never fails to bring back the hurt like it was all yesterday.

What to Title This One...?

I haven't posted much because I just can't seem to get my thoughts together enough to make a coherent entry. My mind has been all over the board the last few days.

My boss is trying to screw me out of my bonus for last year. That's been a fun fight. I will probably lose, but in the end it will just make me feel less guilty about quitting and maybe even make me less willing to help him through transitioning someone new into my spot. It might just piss dh off enough that he'll be more supportive too. We'll see.

I've been wrestling with the whole TTC thing. The drama of last month is more than I can deal with again. My "type A" personality will not let me be easygoing about it. It's just not in me. I've got a week or so left before the saga starts again, so I'm trying to stay calm and just let it happen. Maybe the best I can do it be prepared for it.

Gracie has been a handful this week. She's learned what standing in the corner is all about. Some of it might be that we just haven't had a minute away from each other or a minute's peace. We're both used to a little "me" time and neither of us have gotten that with Jim being gone and having company last weekend. She makes up for it with the moments that just melt my heart. Thankfully there are plenty of those. I try to be grateful just to have her, but we still manage to push each other's buttons from time to time.

My third anniversary is tomorrow. It kind of sucks to have it in the middle of the week. I don't really feel like leaving Gracie with someone so we can be "alone", so this year will no doubt prove to be pretty uneventful. I do love my husband, but this year just feels kind of blah. Does everyone have years like that? I sure the hell hope so.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

All's Quiet

Had too much wine last night. B stayed the night with the girls. We polished off two bottles of wine and stayed up far past our respective bed times. Two bottles may not be much for some, but for us... look out. Neither of us was tip-top this morning. Not enough sleep and tpp much wine make for rough mornings. Add to that two toddlers and a 6 week old and you've got a tough day ahead.

Jim spent the weekend with his mother. He's been careful not to say too much about the visit. I admit that I've goaded him a couple of times just to see if I could say something nasty about her. He didn't bite, so I chose to keep (most) of my commentary to myself. Someone's looking out for me. I really was trying to pick a fight...

Friday, March 11, 2005

Don't Know

I don't know what I feel right now. The last few days have been a blur of playgroups and work.

We went to the park for playgroup yesterday. It was a beautiful day. Gracie and I were the first there. I was in a great mood until one particularly insensitive mother (who I don't really care too much for anyway) came waltzing up and announced that you could tell we were the last ones in the group without new babies because we were the first ones there. Bitch. It was all I could do not to do physical harm to her. I was really pissed. I'm still really pissed. Insensitive rag.

The next mom who arrived was one who announced last week that she was pregnant again. She had a miscarriage earlier this week. I feel really bad because when she announced it I was really angry and jealous. It was just such a slap in the face with everything I was hoping for last week. I felt awful when I got the e-mail that she had lost the baby. I know thoughts like that are normal, but they aren't supposed to come true. Maybe I redeemed myself a bit yesterday. She was off crying in the corner and I got to go over and console her a bit. I think she felt better knowing that I was surviving after losing Audrey. Maybe she felt that if I made it, she would too. I hope so. It was my silent attempt at making up for wishing bad things on her.

Today was a marathon morning meeting that lasted until after one. Ugh. Poor Gracie. At least she has fun playing at B's. She was no worse for the wear. Tired though...

This should be a fun weekend. B and the girls are coming over for a slumber party tomorrow. Her dh is doing some Nascar crap at her house and mine is at his mother's. Girl's weekend. Should be fun.

I'm trying to finish up laundry before bed.

I'm glad this week is over.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

CD What?

So, no real AF today. Just spot. I guess tomorrow will be CD1. Crazy.

Still planning on another walk tomorrow. Hopefully my body wakes up on its own again tomorrow. I can't stand alarm clocks...


Well, here we go again. I tried to make today the beginning of something positive and not have it be such a bummer. I woke up at 5:30 and actually remembered to temp. I'm pretty happy about remembering that. I went for a long walk with the dogs. I don't think I've ever done that. Decided that since I'm not pregnant I'll go ahead and try to get back into shape while I can. Maybe I'll drop this extra 10 pounds just before I have to put it all back on again. I would like to start a little lower than I am...

So, the dogs and I enjoyed our walk. DH thought I was nuts when I got out of bed this morning. I was awake anyway. Might as well be productive...

I got home and got a ton of work done. I'm pretty well caught up and it's not even 8:00 yet. B is supposed to watch Gracie for me for a couple of hours as part of our 10 hour a week deal. I think I'll drop Gracie off and go get my nails done. It's long overdue and that always makes me feel better. I won't even feel so guilty about it because I got so much done this morning...
I'll probably come home and do a bit more work and pick up the house some. Get things ready or dinner tonight.

I did have those drinks last night. Two Screwdrivers. It helped. Came home and Gracie went to bed with me. Best night's rest I've had in a while. I guess the not knowing was harder for me than the answer.

So, on we go. Round 2.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Dr. W's Office Called


I'm going to go drop a load of money on a fertilty monitor. I can't take another month of this. I'm too irregular a sleeper to get and accuarte look at things by charting and temping and I didn't find the OPK thing to be very favorable. I did buy one of thise saliva scope thingys, but I think I'm going to just go drop a load of cash on the fertilty monitor anyway.

That's my pattern. I can't fix it with anything I've done so far, so I'll throw money at it.

I wish it was that easy. I'm such a control freak that this is painful for me. I don't even know how I really feel right now...

Monday, March 07, 2005

Wait and See

Went to see Dr. W. He did a blood test since I still have not actually "started". I didn't need to have blood drawn. I really think I know the answer. But, maybe I'm wrong. Still no bleeding, but I think I know why... I guess we wait until tomorrow for the test results and move on from there.

He said the other tests he did came back fine. Treatment for a subsequent pregnancy will be one injection of Heparin per day, baby aspirin, B6 and B12. He disagreed with Dr. M about continuing the baby aspirin. She said no, he said yes. He trumps her, so on we go with that. He said we'll start it as soon as we get a positive test.

It was interesting that he just came from a National OB conference and the MTHFR mutation was a pretty hot topic. I was just talking to some other moms and we are all still shocked that the medical community does not test for this mutation as part of the Triple Screen and/or other blood work done as standard practice at the beginning of a pregnancy. I saw a study recently that estimated about 25-35% of all pregnancies that ended in stillbirth and had been listed previously as "cause unknown" might be explained by this mutation alone. If you consider that the rate of stillbirth is higher than the rate of SIDS, that will give you some idea of this impact that testing might have. I just don't get it.

So, we hurry up and wait. Some more.

I Will Not Cry, I Will Not Cry

AF is coming. No bleeding yet, but all of the other signs are here. I haven't even been to the bathroom yet because I just don't want to face it.

My friend is here watching Gracie so I can work. Ha. Work. I've done the things I needed to do to keep it all together, but I'm done.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

One Step Forward, Two Tests Back

For every symptom I create, I manage to get two negative tests. This sucks. AF is due today. No real sign she's coming, but I've never had much PMS as a warning of her arrival. Negative EPT and Dollar Store tests this morning. Yes, I'm doing two a day now instead of just one. I'm sick.

We see Dr. W at 2:00. If I still have no AF, I will ask for a blood test so that I can give up my new morning ritual and try to get past this first cycle. I hope the rest are easier. I still hope there aren't anymore, but I'm seriously afraid to get my hopes up.

I've been dreaming all kinds of weird stuff. It's like my mind is going so fast before I fall asleep that it just can't turn itself off.

I caught myself being very, VERY short with Gracie last night. I was trying to get her to sleep and she was being 2. I don't know what the deal was, but I was so awful to her. When she finally did fall asleep, I cried and said I was sorry. I still feel really bad. She's still asleep... I really have to be careful not to let my frustrations about all of this affect her. God, I feel guilty about that.

I talked to a girlfriend about watching Gracie for me a few hours a week so I can get caught up with work and not stress about it. She's going to take her for 10 hours a week until I get put off of work (read: quit). Hopefully, that will give me a little bit of breathing room (and her a little extra money) and the time to get some stuff done so I can feel like I fulfilling my obligations to my employer. Just one more thing I feel guilty about.

She and I also talked about starting a daycare. We'd start it at my house and then maybe move to a center or something. I don't know, we both want something that will keep us on our ties, but don't want to sacrifice our thinking that we want to be with our kids. It just seemed like a good way to meet somewhere in the middle. We'll see...

So, now the countdown until 2:00. My life is filled with these. Countdown until I can test again in the morning, countdown until CD 28, countdown until my next Dr. appointment... Sheesh.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Trying to Stay Grounded

Boy, is this hard. It's hard to not know. I am soooo the MOST impatient person ever. This is truly a test. I think I might be failing.

Didn't do anything today. Had to stay home to wait for a delivery. That meant lots of time to think about what I don't know. Sheesh. I should have been working, but I sat on the couch most of the day under a blanket... It's cold out. And rainy. Kind of like my mood.

I'm glad it's Friday.


That's the spankee, right? I always get the Sadist and the Masochist confused. I'm the one who likes to get the crap beat out of her. I must be.

I must be starting to make up symptoms now. My boobs do seem a bit more tender than usual. I've felt that back-of-the-throat pukey feeling for a couple of says now. But, did another test this morning...Negative. I know, I know. I said I was going to wait until Monday. I really am now. I can't take another negative. The problem with waiting is that with Audrey I was like almost 10 days late before I got a positive. I will seriously have a stroke if I have to wait that long.

I'm going to try and be strong. I see Dr. W on Monday morning. I will not test again until Monday morning.

I think.

Thursday, March 03, 2005


Thank you. Friends like you keep me going, and I don't have all that many of them.

Saw a Baby Today

I met some friends at the park today so we could let the kids play. There was a lady there with a daughter Gracie's age and a baby in a hip carrier. No biggie, I'm around babies all the time. None of them are the age Audrey would be though. We started talking to this mom and someone asked how old her baby was... She said 5 months and I wanted to throw up. He was born just a week or two after Audrey.

It's been a long time since I had that kind of reaction to a baby and another mom. The other babies I'm around were all born very recently, so this was just awful. Here's a living baby who is very close in age and all I could think about was how angry and jealous I was. I kept looking at him and thinking that Audrey would be doing some of the same things. Beginning to really develop her personality, starting to sit up, playing...

I wonder if that will ever get any easier. I wonder if I'll always run into kids her age and wonder what Audrey would be doing or what she would look like. I thought I was doing so well. Like I said, I'm around babies all the time. But this was different. This should have been me. I should have been trying to chase a two-year old around the park with another one strapped to my hip.

God, it makes me want to puke evn now.

Getting Depressed

Another negative. Period's due Monday. I'm starting to think it just isn't happening this month. Okay, not starting, STILL thinking. No syptoms. I feel sick, but I think that's nerves. The sick part never started for me until about 6 or 7 weeks. I know I had sore boobs with Gracie, but I don't remember if I did with Audrey.

I see the peri on Monday afternoon. I so wanted to go see him with th news of a positive test. I don't know how I'll feel if I can't. It's so not like me to be this bummed and down about anything. I feel so consumed by this.

I don't know which end is up. I wish I knew how to get off the roller coaster.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

The Pregnancy Gods are Taunting Me

I broke down and bought the expensive, early, early result tests. I got a bonus pack with 3 of them and held it all afternoon. Guess what? Bogus test. No lines. Shit. Now I have to wait until tomorrow. What a waste.

CD 24

Another negative this morning. I know that logically it's just too early, but I just can't seem to help myself. I even considered going out to buy one of the expensive tests for tomorrow morning since it will be 4 days before my perios is due. I thought I might get one and hold onto it until Saturday.

I started thinking last night that I'm feeling guilty for being so focused on this. Mostly guilty because I've spent so much time thinking about the next baby and daily life that I feel like I haven't honored Audrey enough. It's like every day I get through without crying, I'm happy that I made it through and guilty because I made it throuhg. Does that make sense? Maybe it'[s because the more of those days that I manage to string together, the farther away I am from her. It's like everyday that passes means she's futher from us. I know you can't stop time, but is it possible to grieve too little? I suppose that might depend on your definition of grieving, but mine has to do with sadness and tears.

Honestly, I don't really have the really teary days anymore. I have my moments for sure, but I don't have (or haven't had) the days that are just miserable to get through. What I have noticed is that my sadness has been replaced my a lot of anger. I know that's normal too, but seriously, I'm really pissed off... More pissed off than sad and I just feel like I should be more sad than angry. I don't know. Maybe that will change in a week. Who am I kidding? It will change in a week.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

My Neurosis

I've done it twice today. I'm no less than eight days from starting my period. I'm not losing it. I know this fear of not getting pregnant is not rational. I know that it is illogical to think that it wouldn't happen just as easily as it has in the past. I know I've said that before. I wish I could explain why it's such a big deal.

Today has been hard. Gracie's come down with a cold and has been awake in the night for the last five nights. I think part of my nuttiness (is that a word?) is that I'm tired. Just not getting enough sleep. She's been tough during the day because she doesn't feel well, so each day is a little bit of a challenge.

I'm sick of working. I just want to focus on my family. Today I tried to meet some other mommies at the park for lunch and play, but my cell phone started ringing the second they walked up and I was on the phone almost the whole time we were there. I hate that. I feel like it's such a distraction. And, as before, I feel like I'm being a bad employee if I feel like a good mommy, but if I'm a good employee, I feel like a bad mommy. I give up.

Dr. M said she'd take me off work at 24 weeks. I think a letter from my doctor is the only thing that is going to make my husband understand that this is just too stressful. My days are crazy. He isn't here to see it. By the time he gets home, Gracie's pretty calm and the office phone has quit ringing... I wish I knew what to do to make him get it. Maybe Dr. M can explain it to him.

I go see the peri (Dr. W) on Monday. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to tell him that I got a BFP before I came in? Dare do I dream...

8 DPO (I think)

Well, I never did get a positive OPK, but if history is any example, I'm at 8DPO. Tested again this morning... Negative. Ugh. This sucks. I feel like I can't even breathe until I have an answer. Is it like this because it's the first month, or will it be this way until we get a BFP??? I really hate this part. This is supposed to be the fun part. I feel like losing Audrey has made so many things that should be fun or exciting yucky...