CD 24

Another negative this morning. I know that logically it's just too early, but I just can't seem to help myself. I even considered going out to buy one of the expensive tests for tomorrow morning since it will be 4 days before my perios is due. I thought I might get one and hold onto it until Saturday.

I started thinking last night that I'm feeling guilty for being so focused on this. Mostly guilty because I've spent so much time thinking about the next baby and daily life that I feel like I haven't honored Audrey enough. It's like every day I get through without crying, I'm happy that I made it through and guilty because I made it throuhg. Does that make sense? Maybe it'[s because the more of those days that I manage to string together, the farther away I am from her. It's like everyday that passes means she's futher from us. I know you can't stop time, but is it possible to grieve too little? I suppose that might depend on your definition of grieving, but mine has to do with sadness and tears.

Honestly, I don't really have the really teary days anymore. I have my moments for sure, but I don't have (or haven't had) the days that are just miserable to get through. What I have noticed is that my sadness has been replaced my a lot of anger. I know that's normal too, but seriously, I'm really pissed off... More pissed off than sad and I just feel like I should be more sad than angry. I don't know. Maybe that will change in a week. Who am I kidding? It will change in a week.