Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

CD 24

Another negative this morning. I know that logically it's just too early, but I just can't seem to help myself. I even considered going out to buy one of the expensive tests for tomorrow morning since it will be 4 days before my perios is due. I thought I might get one and hold onto it until Saturday.

I started thinking last night that I'm feeling guilty for being so focused on this. Mostly guilty because I've spent so much time thinking about the next baby and daily life that I feel like I haven't honored Audrey enough. It's like every day I get through without crying, I'm happy that I made it through and guilty because I made it throuhg. Does that make sense? Maybe it'[s because the more of those days that I manage to string together, the farther away I am from her. It's like everyday that passes means she's futher from us. I know you can't stop time, but is it possible to grieve too little? I suppose that might depend on your definition of grieving, but mine has to do with sadness and tears.

Honestly, I don't really have the really teary days anymore. I have my moments for sure, but I don't have (or haven't had) the days that are just miserable to get through. What I have noticed is that my sadness has been replaced my a lot of anger. I know that's normal too, but seriously, I'm really pissed off... More pissed off than sad and I just feel like I should be more sad than angry. I don't know. Maybe that will change in a week. Who am I kidding? It will change in a week.


  • At 12:40 PM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    I would like to know the name of the book you mentioned on my blog. I swear I've read all of them, but I don't remember that! What's up with the "I can't get pregnant paranoia?" Where do you think it comes from? I definitely got a positive opk and I had definite ovulation pain and we did it a billion times...but I'm just convinced it CAN'T happen. I didn't have EWCM on the right dates, so I feel like there's no chance. It's nuts!!!!! I am hoping for you. And boy do I get the ANGERRRRRRR!!!!! It's awful.

  • At 4:23 PM , Anonymous KB said...

    Well I sure understand the peeonastickitis..... I tested 7dpo (yah, get real!) and got a bfn.... got a VERY light pos on cd11 - and I mean VERY light. give yourself a break!! You said you're still a week away from af... its SOOOO early. Easier said than done, don't I know it!! BFP vibes coming your way!


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