Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

My Neurosis

I've done it twice today. I'm no less than eight days from starting my period. I'm not losing it. I know this fear of not getting pregnant is not rational. I know that it is illogical to think that it wouldn't happen just as easily as it has in the past. I know I've said that before. I wish I could explain why it's such a big deal.

Today has been hard. Gracie's come down with a cold and has been awake in the night for the last five nights. I think part of my nuttiness (is that a word?) is that I'm tired. Just not getting enough sleep. She's been tough during the day because she doesn't feel well, so each day is a little bit of a challenge.

I'm sick of working. I just want to focus on my family. Today I tried to meet some other mommies at the park for lunch and play, but my cell phone started ringing the second they walked up and I was on the phone almost the whole time we were there. I hate that. I feel like it's such a distraction. And, as before, I feel like I'm being a bad employee if I feel like a good mommy, but if I'm a good employee, I feel like a bad mommy. I give up.

Dr. M said she'd take me off work at 24 weeks. I think a letter from my doctor is the only thing that is going to make my husband understand that this is just too stressful. My days are crazy. He isn't here to see it. By the time he gets home, Gracie's pretty calm and the office phone has quit ringing... I wish I knew what to do to make him get it. Maybe Dr. M can explain it to him.

I go see the peri (Dr. W) on Monday. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to tell him that I got a BFP before I came in? Dare do I dream...


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