Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, March 07, 2005

One Step Forward, Two Tests Back

For every symptom I create, I manage to get two negative tests. This sucks. AF is due today. No real sign she's coming, but I've never had much PMS as a warning of her arrival. Negative EPT and Dollar Store tests this morning. Yes, I'm doing two a day now instead of just one. I'm sick.

We see Dr. W at 2:00. If I still have no AF, I will ask for a blood test so that I can give up my new morning ritual and try to get past this first cycle. I hope the rest are easier. I still hope there aren't anymore, but I'm seriously afraid to get my hopes up.

I've been dreaming all kinds of weird stuff. It's like my mind is going so fast before I fall asleep that it just can't turn itself off.

I caught myself being very, VERY short with Gracie last night. I was trying to get her to sleep and she was being 2. I don't know what the deal was, but I was so awful to her. When she finally did fall asleep, I cried and said I was sorry. I still feel really bad. She's still asleep... I really have to be careful not to let my frustrations about all of this affect her. God, I feel guilty about that.

I talked to a girlfriend about watching Gracie for me a few hours a week so I can get caught up with work and not stress about it. She's going to take her for 10 hours a week until I get put off of work (read: quit). Hopefully, that will give me a little bit of breathing room (and her a little extra money) and the time to get some stuff done so I can feel like I fulfilling my obligations to my employer. Just one more thing I feel guilty about.

She and I also talked about starting a daycare. We'd start it at my house and then maybe move to a center or something. I don't know, we both want something that will keep us on our ties, but don't want to sacrifice our thinking that we want to be with our kids. It just seemed like a good way to meet somewhere in the middle. We'll see...

So, now the countdown until 2:00. My life is filled with these. Countdown until I can test again in the morning, countdown until CD 28, countdown until my next Dr. appointment... Sheesh.

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