Saw a Baby Today
I met some friends at the park today so we could let the kids play. There was a lady there with a daughter Gracie's age and a baby in a hip carrier. No biggie, I'm around babies all the time. None of them are the age Audrey would be though. We started talking to this mom and someone asked how old her baby was... She said 5 months and I wanted to throw up. He was born just a week or two after Audrey.
It's been a long time since I had that kind of reaction to a baby and another mom. The other babies I'm around were all born very recently, so this was just awful. Here's a living baby who is very close in age and all I could think about was how angry and jealous I was. I kept looking at him and thinking that Audrey would be doing some of the same things. Beginning to really develop her personality, starting to sit up, playing...
I wonder if that will ever get any easier. I wonder if I'll always run into kids her age and wonder what Audrey would be doing or what she would look like. I thought I was doing so well. Like I said, I'm around babies all the time. But this was different. This should have been me. I should have been trying to chase a two-year old around the park with another one strapped to my hip.
God, it makes me want to puke evn now.
It's been a long time since I had that kind of reaction to a baby and another mom. The other babies I'm around were all born very recently, so this was just awful. Here's a living baby who is very close in age and all I could think about was how angry and jealous I was. I kept looking at him and thinking that Audrey would be doing some of the same things. Beginning to really develop her personality, starting to sit up, playing...
I wonder if that will ever get any easier. I wonder if I'll always run into kids her age and wonder what Audrey would be doing or what she would look like. I thought I was doing so well. Like I said, I'm around babies all the time. But this was different. This should have been me. I should have been trying to chase a two-year old around the park with another one strapped to my hip.
God, it makes me want to puke evn now.
posted by MB @ 2:51 PM
2 Comments:
At 3:26 PM ,
Roxanne said...
Well, I can't help you on the anger and jealousy thing. Everyone seems kind and nice compared to the things that I think.
I am obsessively checking your blog to see if you get your BFP. I'm waiting for it! I can't stay away!!!!
At 4:16 PM ,
Anonymous said...
I know there's nothing I can say to help you with your ache, nor anything I can do. But I have to tell you I love how you write in here. You are so real and open, and it's incredible. I can't imagine going through what you're going through, what you've gone through, but the way you write, I can almost understand. I say almost cuz I don't think anyone can ever really understand unless they've gone through it, but believe me, the waya you journal here, it's close. I wish I could jsut snap my fingers and make it all right for you, but I can't. But you know where I am if you need to talk, or even if you want to come visit!! Hang in there!
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