Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Almost Over

I am not sad to see 2005 on its way out. I think it's fabulous. Bring on 2006. I need a fresh start.

My list of resolutions for the New Year grows almost by the hour. I know that many of them will be ignored as the year wears on. I hope I can stick to a few of them. For posterity's sake, here they are:

* I want to lose 20 pounds, but I'll settle for 15.
* Quit my job so I can be the Mother I want to be.
* Improve my mental state and general attitude.

Note: All three above will require self discipline that I usually lack, so God help me...

And last, but not least...

* Have a baby..who is born and I get to see start kindergarten and college and have his/her own babies.

I don't really think it's a lot. All but one is completely within my own control.

Mt HCG was down to 27 on Friday. That's a good sign. I was told that it would come down very slowly and did not expect to see double digits until 2006. I hope it's an omen.

We are taking down Christmas decor tomorrow and leaving for Colorado on Tuesday. Happy New Year to all of you. Here's hoping it's a really great one.

Monday, December 19, 2005


With all that's going on in the world? This is a pressing issue? Really?

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

So, my mom & dad are moving to Malaysia. Dad got a big promotion and will be working on a project there for 5 years. Bittersweet for all of us. It's a BIG promotion which means more money. They ill live in a company compound there and will have no living expenses, they are all covered by the company. Puts them in a really good position for retirement, but means that all vacations for the next few years will be there. I guess there are worse places in the world. He was up for one job that was in (I kid you not) Siberia. Ack.

I decided to skip the pregnant therapist. There is a woman she recommended in the same practice. I'll start out seeing her instead. I'm excited. Really. Seems strange to be excited, but I just have all of these things I feel like I want to talk about and try to understand. I need someone to tell me I'm normal and what I've got going on doesn't make me crazy. I have wondered recently if maybe I'm depressed. It seems unlikely, but I find myself being angry a lot. Not sad so much, although that is there too. I just wonder if depression can take different forms. I certainly don't find the happy times like I used to. I just don't feel like a really happy person anymore. The happy times I do find are very forced and unnatural. I can't really explain it, but I just don't feel alive like I used to.

Maybe I just need an outlet. I do use this blog, but I don't really get into things the way I should. Not with friends or my husband. It just doesn't feel comfortable. I know I should be able to, but I've always felt like I would be burdening someone else with my shit by talking with them, so the best I can make myself do are bits and pieces here and there. I just don't seem to get anything resolved. My unhappiness makes my husband unhappy and then I get cranky and then he gets cranky... You see where this is going? Yeah, nowhere.

I watched the thing on Dateline last night about that 57 year old woman who had the twins. It was like watching a train wreck. It alternately excited me and made me want to puke. She kept saying that you had to rid yourself of the negativity and let go of any preconceived notions before you could make progress. Duh. I knew that. I know that. It was sort of a smack in the face.

So, 2006 is a new year. A better year.

Oh, for the finale in 2005...we got rear ended again. Thankfully Jim was driving AND the woman has insurance. 5 rear-ends in one year. That has to be some sort of record, right?

Friday, December 16, 2005

Baby Madalyn

These pictures just broke my heart, but I'll tell you, I wish we had something like this of Audrey...

What a beauty.


You guys are all so amazing.

For those of you who asked, donations can be sent to:

Attn: Eric Root
29336 Airport Rd.
Eugene, OR 97402

Checks made payable to Ryan and Janel Query.

I am so at a loss. You guys are all amazing. Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

From my "in" box

Dear Friends and Co-Workers,
Attached is an excerpt from a very heart-felt letter from my best friend of 15 years, Ryan Q.

On November 2nd 2005, he and his wife had a beautiful baby girl, Madalyn Kyra. Madalyn was born with a very fatal chromosome disease disorder called Trisomy 18. Unfortunately, this last Friday after 37 very special days of life she passed away at 8:00 in the evening.

After knowing Ryan and Janele for quite sometime, I can tell you that they are one of the most amazing couples and the greatest of best friends that a person could ask for. Ryan and Janele have always been here for me and I consider both of them family.

Attached is a letter that they had been working on and had planned to distribute to friends and family along with the attached photo as a Christmas card.

Ryan works for a local cable company as a cable installer and Janele is a waitress at the local Red Robin restaurant

As you can imagine, Ryan and Janele have accumulated some significant medical bills that were not covered under insurance, and they have also been struggling with their general day-to-day living expenses. All of their money was put forward to take care of baby Madalyn so they have fallen behind on the basics, such as rent and car payments. I was at their house Monday night and a person came by to repossess their car. Luckily the gentleman had a huge heart and said he would let them keep it for a couple more weeks so they might possibly be able to get caught up on payments.

For those with the ability to participate, as a fund raiser we are asking for donations to contribute to Ryan and Janele to help them make it through this very trying time. For those unable to participate your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

Donations can be sent to our Eugene, OR branch were we will gather them together and present them as a gift to Ryan and Janele.

Thanks again for all of the support, thoughts and prayers; they are truly appreciated.

Eric D. R.


So, as you can well imagine, it made me cry. They sent pictures with the e-mail of this sweet little girl and my heart just melted. I know her parents are in agony and the financial burden surly makes it all worse. I (we) were fortunate that we did not have the financial burden this couple is now faced with.

My branch had an allowance for our Holiday dinner which we have decided to forgo and donate to this family. It was only a small amount of money ($140), but as we all know, every little bit helps.

It just never ends.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


The therapist is pregnant. Can I deal with this?

Baby Steps

I made an appointment with a therapist today. I called several...found one. January 10, 2006 at 8:00 AM. For now just me. I talked to another counsellor who asked what we were looking for and i didn't have a good answer. I explained where we've been and she suggested grief counselling first and then we'd go from there.

Jim & I had our little "Come to Jesus meeting" on Sunday. Wow. That was hard. We cried and laughed and yelled. Mostly, we cried. We're both angry and hurt. He's hurt that I'm so angry and distant and I'm angry and hurt that he won't (I know...can't) just fix it. I've never had the proverbial Knight in Shining Armor. I really wanted one this time, but no luck.

He says I'm a different person and my immediate reaction was "No Shit". As I think about that more I realize it's not really fair for me to put all of that on him. It's no more his fault than it is mine and why should he suffer the brunt of my anger just because he's closest. My usual reaction would be that he didn't make much effort either, but in his defense, I'm not exactly approachable most of the time. It's not his fault. It's mine.

I just feel like I don't know where to start. I need a break from my life.

Friday, December 09, 2005


No, I didn't jump off of a bridge or throw myself in front of a train last night. I'm better today. Poor Jim. I unloaded on him a little bit and initially he tried to fight back but I think he finally realized that I was (am) just at the end of my rope and decided to listen and help. He's trying. I need to try too. You all raised very good points about communicating with him.

He isn't a mind reader and it is unfair of me to expect that of him. I preach that as a manager all the time and then, look at me doing it to my poor husband. I do expect him to "get" things that he is probably just incapable of "getting". The real problem is that I am a shit communicator. I always have been. If it's my problem, then it's my problem and I will deal with it. I start there and then end up pissed at him for not helping. Totally unfair. I'm just not good at dealing with hard stuff.

Today's better partly because I haven't had my daily screaming session with my boss. Although, I suppose it's early and we could still have one of those. I shouldn't speak too soon. But, it's Friday, maybe he's decided I've had enough for one week. One can only hope...

So, I'm glad it's the weekend. I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally, all of it. I am spent.

I do need a vacation. We have a trip planned to the Hotel Colorado in Glenwood Springs, Colorado during the week between New Year's & Christmas. That's very exciting. Lovely, historic, grand hotel and fabulous hot springs to lounge in while watching the snow fall. Heaven.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Fine Line

I feel like I'm walking this fine line between maintaining my composure (read: sanity) and an absolute nervous breakdown. Today I feel like it could all come crashing down at any moment. I am on the verge of tears all day. If my boss calls me one more time today I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together.

I want to grab Jim by his neck and yell "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!? I'm on the edge of losing it! Don't you get it?!" He's so wrapped up in his own shit (read: work) that he doesn't see what's happening. How can he now get it? How can he not at least ask? I don't understand. This is the person to whom I am supposed to be the closest and he doesn't get me. He doesn't even see what's happening.

He's busy buying new cars and travelling for work and moving his office. Big whoop. Let's see, My babies die, my living daughter begs be every morning to stay home with her, my boss yells at me on a daily basis, oh, and I have cramps but can't even take a fucking aspirin. Why does he have to be so fucking superficial and not SEE what's going on. Is he doing it on purpose? Has he always been this way, but we just hadn't had the serious shit really happen so I could see it? What the hell?

Why can't he be supportive and helpful. Am I just blaming him? Is he just an easy target? What can I do to deal with this shit? How can I have something go right?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

It's all downhill now. Right?

Started bleeding today. The cramps are tough, but not debilitating yet. Bleeding more than normal, but I'll live. Right?

I'm feeling very bitchy about my husband and my job. I hate my boss right now. He's yelled at me 2 days straight now. I don't respond well to that. I yelled back today. My husband was less than supportive when I told him I almost told the bossman to shove it up his narrow ass. Dh is looking for a new job that would allow us to move and me to quit. As usual, he doesn't push for things the way I would. He waits for things to get done for him or on their own. I'm too much of a control freak to be okay with that. So I push him and he gets pissed. Then, I'm still pissed because he still doesn't get it.

I wish someone (okay, not you guys, I know you would in a second) would hop in here with me and feel what it's like to be me and not just expect that I'm going to keep going as if nothing has happened here. As if I should just be better and not upset about what's happened. I know guys don't "get it". Jim is certainly no exception. He's been trying to help out around the house and be nice to me, but why can he not get it for just a minute?

Is there a tunnel? Is there a way out? I'd give anything to find it. Really.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

This just keeps getting better and better

I got a call at 3:00 yesterday that my numbers from Sunday had actually gone up. They asked if I could come to the office right away for and ultrasound. So, I pack up and run out of the office.

I spent the 40 minute drive imagining that a miracle did happen and maybe everything was really okay. I got to the office and waited an eternity for the doctor to come in. When he finally did, he read me the lab results. Beta last Tuesday was 240, Sunday it was 887. Not bad, right. Dr. BM proceeds to tell me that in 10 years he has had only ONE case where the numbers went down and then popped back up and the pregnancy ended well. Not fabulous odds.

We get out the dildo cam and find one sac that was already gone. It was filled with fluid and clots. Doc says there could possibly be a placenta there still producing hormones. He moves on to my tubes and finds another one in my right tube.

So, it seems I can't even just get a negative result or have a miscarriage like a normal person. I have to have a miscarriage AND an ectopic...Together. I feel so broken.

They gave me two injections of Methotrexate to induce miscarriage. Thankfully they caught the ectopic before it got too big and required surgery, or worse, removal of my tube. The doc said that the blasts can move into the tubes when the uterus contracts. A healthy tube would have just spit it back out where it belonged, but with the endo, he thinks there is scar tissue that got it stuck up there.

So, now we wait for the medicine to work. The funny thing is that my dh has psoriasis and at one point his doc wanted him to take the Methotrexate for it and we said no way. It can cause liver and kidney damage. I wish I had a choice.

Fucking hell this sucks. What's next now? I've had a sickenly normal history medically speaking for my whole life. I had my tonsils out, but that's about it. Then, I start having babies, one dies and I feel like everything has just exploded.

What the hell is wrong with me???

Monday, December 05, 2005

What I've Gained

7 pounds. 7 pounds and nothing to look forward to but cramping and bleeding. Nice. I've heard other who've gone through this have gained weight too, so I guess it's no surprise. It still sucks ass.

No signs of the bleeding to start. Nothing. I'm waiting on my bloodwork from yesterday to make sure the levels continue to fall. We see Dr. BM tomorrow for a follow-up. I hope he has something magical to say.

Dh & I had some friends over on Saturday. We drank and played pool...and drank...and drank. I think I might still be hung over. Whatever it takes.

Thanks again for all of your support. I haven't been as diligent about reading your blogs and commenting as I'd like. I promise I'll get better when I get my shit together.
Thank you again for thinking of me.

Friday, December 02, 2005

How Long is This Going to Take?

My other prenancies miscarried without the benefit of my knowing they were destined for it. So what should I expect? It's been a couple of days that we've known the numbers have dropped. I assume they'll drop pretty quickly. How long do I have to wait for this to happen?

I thought about getting some black cohosh to help it along, but what if I were to go in for my blood work on Sunday and everything is okay. Is that even possible? Could all of this really be a mistake? Is that possible? I mean, if that were possible wouldn't the doctor have told me it was and not just warned me about what was going to happen?

I had another galss of wine last night. I feel guilty because my head hasn't really wrapped around the fact that this baby is really already gone.

How could someone be gone when I never really had the chance to know they were there?

Thursday, December 01, 2005


I wish we hadn't been so fucking stupid as to tell so many damn people already. The holidays suck ass. All this happy shit everywhere.

I need the bleeding to start so I can feel like this is really happening. Right now I'm still having dillusions that it could still be a hideous mistake. Get on with it already.

I don't really know what I feel right now. Mostly pissed off with occasional touches of hurt and pain. You guys have all been so sweet. Thanks for your entries and well wishes.

I'm trying to remember to be grateful for what I do have and not be so pissed about what keeps getting taken from me. It's a really hard thing to do. I think I'm not doing a very good job of it right now. In fact, I'd venture to guess that I'm not doing anything well right now. I'm not being a good wife, mother or employee if the truth were told.

Fucking hell.