Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Fine Line

I feel like I'm walking this fine line between maintaining my composure (read: sanity) and an absolute nervous breakdown. Today I feel like it could all come crashing down at any moment. I am on the verge of tears all day. If my boss calls me one more time today I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together.

I want to grab Jim by his neck and yell "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME!? I'm on the edge of losing it! Don't you get it?!" He's so wrapped up in his own shit (read: work) that he doesn't see what's happening. How can he now get it? How can he not at least ask? I don't understand. This is the person to whom I am supposed to be the closest and he doesn't get me. He doesn't even see what's happening.

He's busy buying new cars and travelling for work and moving his office. Big whoop. Let's see, My babies die, my living daughter begs be every morning to stay home with her, my boss yells at me on a daily basis, oh, and I have cramps but can't even take a fucking aspirin. Why does he have to be so fucking superficial and not SEE what's going on. Is he doing it on purpose? Has he always been this way, but we just hadn't had the serious shit really happen so I could see it? What the hell?

Why can't he be supportive and helpful. Am I just blaming him? Is he just an easy target? What can I do to deal with this shit? How can I have something go right?

14 Comments:

  • At 11:00 AM , Anonymous anissa said...

    I wish I had some answers for you. Tom acted the same way after we lost Emma. The only way I have learned to deal with it is the Internet. This is my one place that some people understand. I wish my husband could understand but I have come to realize that is never going to happen. Maybe Jim will come around for you.

     
  • At 12:06 PM , Anonymous rach said...

    Is there ANY way you and Jim can both take some time off? Sounds like you need to say to him just what you wrote here - it seems that it would only get worse if you didn't. You guys just need some time away, the 3 of you. No, it won't solve everything, but I think it would allow you guys just to relax and be TOGETHER instead of feeling like the world is closing in around you.

    Where do you like to go, Michelle, just to relax? Can you surround yourself with people who DO understand, or who maybe have been there? I know blogging is a huge release for you. Is there someone in real life who reads your blog and understands all of this?

    When we went through miscarrying the one baby at 16 weeks and then being told Lucy would die, it was a really really hard time. I thought S was being cold, too, until I realized that he just plain didn't know how to deal with it. For him, his way of showing me support is by supporting me financially. Whenever he gets into that mindset, I have to say to him, "I need you here, physically, with me." It's great that you do a great job providing for the family. But right now, I need YOU.

    Yes, guys are so dense sometimes. And I think with your Jim this is one of those times. In reading your old blog and everything leading up to this it is obvious how much he loves you. He just needs a little kick in the pants.

    I hope this has helped a bit.

    Hugs to you.

    Rachel

     
  • At 12:07 PM , Anonymous rach said...

    one other thing - i do remember him saying to me, "I don't know how to comfort you - I don't know how to love you right now." And it showed me so much that he needed me to show him; to tell him. He couldn't guess, I had to let him know.

    Just a thought.

     
  • At 12:09 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    What I've learned is that men, our husbands, deal with things differently than we do. Now this has been my experience, after my own mother passed away, I would look at what must have seemed superficial things, well they were. I was trying to fill my whole that contained all of the grief that I had experienced in the past three years. The infertility, the surgeries for my endo. pain, the miscarriages and then my mom's death. It all lumped together one day, and I can best describe what I did as sort of trying to out run the pain. I bought stupid, expensive stuff, etc. I don't know if that is what Jim is doing, but when I read your entry that is what came to me. You know, the lost daughter, the prior m/c, the infertility treatments that didn't work, the IVF that did and now the ectopic and m/c.
    However, I can relate to you too. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I know that if it wasn't for my son that was alive and needed me, that I would have just let everything go. I would've let go of that last bit of sanity; it just hurt too damn much.
    Have you talked to Jim about this? Maybe you should bring it up, how you feel in your entry. Are you seeing a therapist since your daughter died?
    You do need to work through your grief. Apparently I didn't because when I did have my second baby, 6 months ago, I had a sort of breakdown. I almost was admitted into the hospital it was that bad. My psychiatrist and therapist said it was repressed grief that I held onto to, that I didn't deal with, and now combined with all of the lovely postpartum hormones, I couldn't repress it anymore. It was awful! So now the drug companies like me, and I'm shelling out a bundle in therapist fees and pychiatrist fees, and damn prescriptions, but I am better now. Let yourself cry. Let yourself grieve. You may feel that you already have, but you need to grieve for this loss and all of the other ones too. You've had to deal with too much in a short amount of time. Be kind to yourself, and do whatever it takes to try to bring yourself back again, if you remember even who that was. I hadn't. Take care.

     
  • At 1:43 PM , Blogger KB said...

    Ohhhhhhh-klahoma.

    Seriously.

    Take a couple of days. Bring Grace. Come hang out. I'll laugh, cry, whatever you need. Just tell me what flight.

     
  • At 2:19 PM , Blogger Jill said...

    I'm so sorry:( You don't need to doubt all these other things with what is happening to you now but they seem to go hand in hand ((((hugs)))

     
  • At 3:32 PM , Blogger Kate said...

    Men.

    When we told we were going to lose our son at 23 weeks, my husband was totally blank. I got so angry with him for not showing any emotion. After my 5th or 6th meltdown, I finally confronted him. He hadn't shown any emotion because he was afraid if he started crying, he'd never be able to stop. Maybe that's the same case with your husband?

    Sometimes they just don't understand. And in their defense, how could they possibly understand? It's something you have to experience to understand. That's not to say that husbands can't be sad, etc. It's just that they don't have the same level of emotional attachment that we do.

    Maybe he's using work as an excuse to not deal with the whole situation.

    Or, maybe, he's just being a dick and needs a swift kick in the ass. ;)

     
  • At 3:57 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    even though justin is in some ways a big old girl, he is still a man, and most men just haven't been equipped to deal with pain. i have to point blank tell justin what i need from him. even then, it's not all puppies and rainbows, but it's better than when i sent him telepathic messages, which of course always went unanswered. he's just not as telepathically gifted as me, i guess.

    i'm so sorry for all the pain you're going through.

     
  • At 4:36 PM , Anonymous Meredith C said...

    Grab him. But maybe not by the neck. And then tell him that y'all need some together time.

    And that is my advice for the day. I wish that could solve it all, hon. I really do. Many hugs.

     
  • At 5:19 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    He can't fix it. And he probably feels helpless and stupid for not being able to fix it. I hope you can find a way to tell him what you need. Talk to him like he's two if that's what it takes.

    And Oklahoma doesn't sound like a bad idea either.

    {{{hugs}}}

     
  • At 5:47 PM , Anonymous Michelle A said...

    Men deal with grief so differently. They feel this need to be so macho all the time and they don't want to break down. So he probably feels that if he stops to comfort you, he will lose his credibility as a man. I wish men would not do that! They need to know that we won't think of them as wimps if they let it out! And damn it, sometimes we need them to cry right along with us! Or risk the tears as they hold us while we sit on the floor rocking back and forth blubbering like a child.

    If I were there, I would hug you, push your hair back out of your face and wipe away the tears. ((hugs))

     
  • At 10:09 PM , Anonymous Erin said...

    I love what Catherine said. I could not have said it better myself. "And he probably feels helpless and stupid for not being able to fix it." I think she hit the nail on the head!!

     
  • At 6:05 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

    He may also be afraid of showing too much emotion to you because he's afraid he'll make it worse for you... I know its not what women typically feel (sharing painful emotions helps me), but i think its what some men think.

     
  • At 7:22 AM , Blogger 日月神教-任我行 said...

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