Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

This just keeps getting better and better

I got a call at 3:00 yesterday that my numbers from Sunday had actually gone up. They asked if I could come to the office right away for and ultrasound. So, I pack up and run out of the office.

I spent the 40 minute drive imagining that a miracle did happen and maybe everything was really okay. I got to the office and waited an eternity for the doctor to come in. When he finally did, he read me the lab results. Beta last Tuesday was 240, Sunday it was 887. Not bad, right. Dr. BM proceeds to tell me that in 10 years he has had only ONE case where the numbers went down and then popped back up and the pregnancy ended well. Not fabulous odds.

We get out the dildo cam and find one sac that was already gone. It was filled with fluid and clots. Doc says there could possibly be a placenta there still producing hormones. He moves on to my tubes and finds another one in my right tube.

So, it seems I can't even just get a negative result or have a miscarriage like a normal person. I have to have a miscarriage AND an ectopic...Together. I feel so broken.

They gave me two injections of Methotrexate to induce miscarriage. Thankfully they caught the ectopic before it got too big and required surgery, or worse, removal of my tube. The doc said that the blasts can move into the tubes when the uterus contracts. A healthy tube would have just spit it back out where it belonged, but with the endo, he thinks there is scar tissue that got it stuck up there.

So, now we wait for the medicine to work. The funny thing is that my dh has psoriasis and at one point his doc wanted him to take the Methotrexate for it and we said no way. It can cause liver and kidney damage. I wish I had a choice.

Fucking hell this sucks. What's next now? I've had a sickenly normal history medically speaking for my whole life. I had my tonsils out, but that's about it. Then, I start having babies, one dies and I feel like everything has just exploded.

What the hell is wrong with me???


  • At 8:54 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

    I'm so sorry Michelle. This has got to be one of the shittier possible outcomes! I hope you can vent some of your emotions here and know that everyone is hoping this is the bottom and that things have to go up from here.

  • At 9:33 AM , Anonymous anissa said...

    I am so sorry this seems to only be getting worse. I wish that there was somthing I could say or do to make it all better. Please take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts. Hugs

  • At 9:39 AM , Blogger VHMPrincess said...

    I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of this

  • At 9:53 AM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I am so sorry; this seems like a sick joke, doesn't it?! I am so glad, and I'm sure you are as well, that your doctor caught the ectopic in time. Six months ago my friend was rushed ot the hospital because her tube had ruptured because of an ectopic pg. Other than that, I am just at a loss of what to say. This doesn't seem possible. I am so sorry. So very sorry.

  • At 1:20 PM , Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

    Michelle, I'm grieving along with you.


  • At 2:08 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    Crap on a cracker, M. I'm sorry and I hope you're doing ok emotionally (as ok as you can be, anyway). {{{hugs}}}

  • At 4:39 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    very shitoriffic, to be sure, although not a reflection on your worth or moral character or anything being wrong with you or whatever. i hope somewhere in this there are some moments of peace and comfort for you, although i'm sure they're hard to find. you deserve all the peace and comfort in the world.

  • At 5:34 PM , Blogger Kate said...

    Oh no. :(

    I can't believe this is happening to you.

    I am so, so sorry.

    This sucks.

    Again, I am so sorry.

  • At 6:24 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    Oh, shit. Michelle, I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this misery. How horrible...please know you're in my thoughts and I hope that you're doing alright. (((hugs)))

  • At 6:38 PM , Blogger Amy said...

    This is just not fair. I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

  • At 6:55 PM , Blogger gabesmama said...

    I so empathize. I too feel like I have always been healthy, then Gabe dies, I have a miscarriage, and then I have a bad pap, which clears up. But what the hell I have barely been sick in my life. I am so sorry again again for your suffering. You don't deserve this.

  • At 7:36 PM , Blogger Jill said...

    So here I am thinking you are getting the rough end of the miscarriage stick with a loss that won't start and then BANG! The stick is no longer rough but spiky too:(

    I am so sorry for your losses and for the anguish this whole polaver is causing.

    I only hope you can feel the support and affection coming to you through the ether and that somehow it helps (((hugs)))

  • At 7:50 PM , Anonymous kati said...

    oh, Michelle, this is all so awful. I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you and your family. It must feel like a very sick joke of our universe. Things have to get better, they just have to.

  • At 9:25 PM , Blogger MyrrhsieSLB said...

    Well, this is absolute crap. I am so sorry that life is being so mean to you right now. ~Hugs, Myrrh

  • At 9:23 AM , Blogger kate said...

    i am so so is just very very unfair...


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