Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Patience, Grasshopper

10 DPO. Couldn't wait. I tested.


I'm so bummed.

Monday, May 30, 2005

CD 26...Feeling Hopeful

Temps took another little jump after O yesterday. That's a good sign, right? I resisted the urge to test this morning. It's only 9 DPO, still a little early. It's possible that I could have gotten a positive today, but I'm going to try and wait until Wednesday or Thursday. 11 DPO is better, right? That is all assuming that I don't get the big drop between now and then. I don't know why I'm feeling hopeful about this cycle, but I am. I'm feeling a little more in control and like I have a chance this round. We shall see.

My friend B's daughter (the 4 mo) has been in ICU since Friday. Our ped found her heart rate a little goofy and sent her to the cardiologist. They then rushed her over to ICU at the children's hospital here. The problem is that her heart has this really irregular rhythm. The cardiologist said that if they hadn't caught it, her heart would have died in a week from overuse. So scary. I've been watching her older daughter off and on all weekend. We're not totally sure when she'll get to come home. They are trying to regulate her heart with meds and haven't gotten the dosage right just yet. I guess her valves are just misfiring. I think she called it myopathy. Anyway, Friday was a scary day for all of us, but especially for her.

My brother and future sister-in-law were here this weekend. It was nice to see them. We had a big cook out yesterday. I'm exhausted. This is going to be a busy week...

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Judging and Being Judged

I went to play group this morning when I knew I should have stayed home. I woke up in a funk. My mood has not improved throughout the day.

The day started with trying to find a swimsuit because play group was at B's so we could all go in the pool. Normally I could give a shit what people think, but swimsuits are hard for everyone (right?). I have one that I bought this year and last year's is a maternity suit. I didn't want to wear the one I just bought because I need it for a party on Sunday. The maternity one is cute and you wouldn't really know it's a maternity suit unless I told you, but I know it is and that's all that counts (for purposes of this story anyway). So, I wore it.

As I was putting it on I was reminded of wearing it last year and that just brings back the flood of memories and emotions. Then, I'm reminded that I want to be pregnant now and all the emotions that go along with that issue. Then, there is the fact that I just feel frumpy and wearing a maternity suit when I'm not pregnant doesn't really help. But, Gracie needs to get out of the house and be around other kids, so I sucked it up and left.

I was there a touch early so B and I could visit before everyone arrived. That ended up making me feel worse. Gracie has been VERY clingy and I just don't know what to do about it. She literally will not leave my side and won't so much as look at anyone when I'm around. This isn't a totally recent thing, but it's gotten worse since we were on vacation. Well, B's daughter is one of those fabulous outgoing children who talks to anyone and smiles all the time (the flip side of that is when she has a tantrum, look the hell out. She turns into a demon). So, B quickly points out to me that I need to be more consistent with leaving her (B watches her for me when I have work to do) and that I need to get her in school so she can be forced to be social. I know all that. I agree. I just didn't need to be poked at today. I felt very judged. Just bummed me out more.

When everyone arrived, the mommies who just had babies in the last two weeks brought the new little ones so everyone could ooohhhh and aaaawww at them. I couldn't even look their direction. Usually I'm okay with it, but today that wasn't so. I just wanted to leave. Maybe I should have.

One of the new mommies is the one I mentioned in an earlier post who didn't take care of herself and it was really amazing her son made it. It was partially her fault he had so much trouble. Anyway, she has an older son (2 you) who is a holy terror. She does not discipline him AT ALL. He'll unlock the front door and leave, he crawls out the doggie door and opens the slider...He throws toys...The list goes on and she basically does little to curb his behavior. In short, she drives me insane.

Today the little shit opened the slider and was almost in the pool before anyone noticed he was gone (it wasn't even his mother who noticed). Then he started throwing toys. I nearly smacked him and yelled at her when one of them hit me. She knew I was pissed and said that he didn't mean it...Which is shit. He totally knew what he was doing. Then, Gracie has this little soft bodied baby that she adores, I left her inside so she wouldn't get wet. As we were leaving guess what was floating in the spa? Yep, Gracie's baby. I didn't even say goodbye. I just left. Maybe I won't be back. Maybe they don't want me back.

Ever have one of those days when you just knew you shouldn't have left the house? Me too...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Awake Again

Crap. Up again at 4:30. This sucks. I think my sinus infect is still around and is causing me to cough at night. That's what woke me up. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. Ugh. I'm not a morning person.

So, FF gave me an O date of last Saturday. I thought that might be the case. I never did get a peak reading on the FM. Still reading high though. Whatever.

Nothing else to report. It's CD 21 and the wait is well underway. I hope it passes quickly and with positive results at the end. I left a message for Dr. M on Monday. She's never returned my call. Bums me out. She's told me a hundred times to call her anytime. I've never dome it so that when I really had something bugging me she'd know simply by the fact that I called, that it must be important.

I guess that plan didn't work. I might as well have called her everyday.

Monday, May 23, 2005


I was out with a friend the other day and we were joking about my body. I made a joke about my big boobs and said that after having two kids I had earned them. His response was "Well, I guess technically you have had two kids."

WTF!??! "technically" nothing! I HAVE had TWO kids. What the hell was he thinking??!! That's when I almost killed him. I totally shut down after that. Do other people (read: insensitive people) really think that way? Do they question how many children we have?

I've wrestled with the question we all get asked several times lately. You're out, minding your own business and suddenly someone asks "How many kids do you have?" I've answered well, we have two. Gracie and a daughter who was still born. That one is usually met with a very uncomfortable silence and a change of subject. Then, I've tried just saying one and then I feel miserably guilty. There really is no good way to answer that. Ugh.

It's only 4:30 AM here. I have no idea what I'm doing up. I was just lying in bed staring at the ceiling so I got up. I had to use the temperature corrector on FF. I hope that doesn't screw my chart up. Regardless, my temp is up this morning, so whenever O might have hit (I think Saturday) I think that part is over. Now I wait.

Technically. Fucker. I should have kicked his ass.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Stupid Chart

This is day 8 of High readings on the FM. I think I had some major ovary pain today. I also got a positive OPK. Maybe I'll finally get a Peak reading on the FM tomorrow. This is making me nuts. Jim still asks me everyday what the monitor said. Although, I think he questioned its existence when he saw the charge on the credit card bill this morning. Eek.

So, I'm still waiting. It's CD17. No rise in the temps yet. Still low for me. Maybe this will just be a really late O. I hope that's the case and I'm just not ovulating. That would suck. I told B today that I would give the fm until Monday to give me a Peak reading and then I was calling Dr. M for an appointment.

Someone please tell me I'm not an obsessive nut case.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Still on a "High"

4th day of high readings on the fertility monitor. No peak yet even though my temps have started to creep up after a big drop (the one I thought meant O was coming). Maybe that's normal with the first month while the machine gets used to the hormone levels for each individual. I guess we'll see.

Went for a really long walk today. Our neighborhood has a 4 mile circle that has lots of hills. B and I pushed the girls through the whole thing today. Phew, what a work out. It's hot already too, so that made getting home for a soak in the pool mighty rewarding. I think we might have figured out why my body image has been so crappy. I lost all my weight plus some after I had Gracie, but this time has been very different. Aside from the fact that I didn't have a nursing newborn to help melt the pounds, I have just had no motivation to get the last 10 (okay, maybe it's closer to 20) off and get a little more in shape. None.

Today we walked and I've been eating better and that feels good, but I think that I hate my body for other reasons. My body failed me. My body killed my baby and I just can't seem to get past that. I wonder if figuring it out will help. I think that finally "getting" that might make a difference in my motivation to feel better about how I look. Does that make sense to anyone but me? I know I'm a cow and before I just really didn't care. Well, I cared, but not enough to get off of my fat ass and DO something about it.

I sure the hell hope so.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Overdue Pictures

Okay, for some reason posting them isn't working, so here are the links. I don't have the time (or the patience) too fool with it now.

First "High" Reading

Yep, finally came this morning. I was so excited, I opened the French doors in our bedroom and let Gracie go play out back in her jammies. Jim and I stripped and hopped back into bed. We were fooling around and in walks Gracie (I was watching her, so we stopped because I knew she was coming). To my surprise, she picked up my jammie bottoms (from the floor) and tries to hand them to me saying, "Mommy, clothes on!"

I think my daughter would have called me a tramp if she knew the word.

Friday, May 13, 2005


It's true. It will "destroya".

When I got pregnant with Gracie, I suddenly started having all of these paranoid visions about stuff that could happen to her. I'd be standing by a river and suddenly have a flash of her falling in and getting sucked under by the current. Or, I'd be driving through an intersection and see us get hit and her lifeless and bloody in the back seat. It's the craziest thing. I know now why my mother was always telling us to "get away from that" and telling my dad not to run red lights. I bet she had them too.

It seems this paranoia has been made worse since I lost Audrey. It's everywhere. I see a dog and am suddenly worried she'll be attacked. That one, in particular, is totally crazy because I am a total animal lover and have NEVER been afraid of dogs in my life.

It's really making me nuts. So far, I've managed to let her live a normal life. I don't not let her do things because I'm afraid something will happen. It's just that I've noticed that these flashes are more frequent and, in some cases, more graphic. I mean, I can see her get hurt in a car accident, me being brought into the ER and asking where she is. When they tell me she's gone, I tell them to let me die. I don't want to live if she's gone too.

I mean, this is all sounding very weird. Reading it back it all seems crazy. It's not like I'm depressed or something, it's just that I have these conscious thoughts about it happening and what my reaction would be. It is just paranoid mom stuff? Do I need to see a therapist?

Wait, don't answer that.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

CD 7...Waiting...

Sheesh, this is almost as bad as the 2WW. I'm waiting for a high or peak reading on the fertility monitor. It's like I go to bed every night and look forward to peeing on the stick. Sad. What my life has become, huh? It's all about peeing on a stick.

Gracie and I both managed to pick up a cold on the airplane. Lovely. We've been locked in the house for 2 days. I'm not good at that. I have to make a trip to Sacramento for work on Friday. I hope it passes by then.

Not much else to report right now. I feel so dull!

Monday, May 09, 2005

It's Hard to be Two

Potty training has got to be the hardest thing we've had to do yet. Gracie totally has the control. The kid held it for 5 hours today just so she didn't have to use the potty. Boy, when the water works started, look out. I hope this part of it gets over quickly. She just will not go on the potty and she loses it when she pees on herself.

I intended on posting some vacation pictures, but I just noticed that they are all huge files. I'll have to resize them and post later.

Okay, this has been a really pathetic post. Even I'm bored with it...

Friday, May 06, 2005

I am a Bad Friend

I haven't been talking to anyone lately. I haven't returned phone calls or e-mails. I'm a bad friend. There are only a couple of people I see and I just don't really keep in touch with anyone else. I'm just a bad friend.

E and I have been friends since junior high. We were together all the time until her parents moved when we were sophmores. We lost touch for a bit and found each other again about 5 years ago. I found out I was pregant with Audrey and she found out she was pregnant with her son about a week later. It was the craziest thing.

Obviously her son was born about the same time Audrey should have been. I think our due dates were like 10 days apart. We've just sort of lost touch over the last few months. We've exchanged a few e-mails in that time, but not much more than that. I got a note from her while I was on vacation and I just hadn't had a chance to respond.

This morning, I got this...

Hi. I miss you. I just wanted you to know I think about you every day. How can I even have a high school memory of you without it turning into me thinking about Audrey? I miss the Michelle that doesn't have to deal with all of this, and I'm sure you do too. I am so sorry you are having a hard time getting pregnant again. That seems to be the only thing that can make this better at all. I wish we could be friends like before, but it's so hard. I have D, and I can't talk about him the way I want because he is around the same age as Audrey would be, and I know that's tough for you. But I don't know what I can do, because there's not anything I can do to make it right. I know you are having a hard time dealing with her still, and as someone who had a healthy baby you probably can't relate to me right now, but I miss you a lot. I check your blog almost every day, but I have no advice to contribute because I don't know what I can say and I hope you don't hate me or resent me too much. But I see all these people posting to you that don't even know you, posting comments and it just bugs me because they can be so supportive and I have nothing. It seems easier for the people who have never met you in person to give you the good vibes and positive thoughts than it is for me. I just wanted you to know how much I miss talking to you. It almost hits too close to home I guess, maybe because of D's age, I don't know. I just wanted you to know I still care so much about you. I hope maybe someday when you get pregnant again we can chat again and that it will not hurt so much. Please let me know if there's anything at all I can do. I hope you are doing alright right now.

It makes me cry all over again when I read it now. I care about E as much as she does me. I really do (E, I do, I swear). I'm just a really shitty friend right now. Well, if I'm being honest, I never was all that great. I've never really had a lot of friends, just a few that I kept in touch with. But, that's really all.

E, I'm so sorry. I am. I want to hear about the boys. I do. It's nothing personal. Honest. Thank you so much for your note. It really means more to me that you would reach out to me like that than all the lame phone calls I get from people who just want to pretend like everything should be okay now. It's those calls I hate. Not yours. I promise.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

This Was Supposed to be the Easy Part

When we lost Audrey and Dr. M said we'd have to wait 6 months to try again, we said okay, fine. Getting pregnant will be the easy part. The pregnancy will be the hard part.


Boy, maybe it was that very thought that has jinxed us.

AF came this morning. I suddenly had Elton John in my head singing, "The bitch is back..." I bought a fertility monitor. Almost three hundred bucks down the tubes. If it doesn't seem to make sense of my "whacked out chart" (that is a direct quote from KB), then I will be calling Dr. M for drugs. I may be jumping the gun, but if I wait one more month, that puts me at 6 cycles since I went off the pill and 5 cycles of officially trying. More than enough I'd say. I might have a nervous break down if I have to deal with Audrey's birthday and not be pregnant again. Seriously.

Jim asked this morning how I felt about another cycle and I said it sucked and that I was very bummed. He said don't be, but I have to think he's wondering what's up even if he's not saying it. My mom said maybe my hormone bablance is off since my temps are so screwy. I just feel like I can't win.

The girl in our play group who announced she was prengnant last month and had a miscarriage the next day is pregnant again. She can get pregnant twice and I can't seem to do it once. I know I sound whiny and I'm sorry to those of you who read this who have been trying for years, but it's sooo hard. I know you know that. I just wanted you to know that I know that and I'm not trying to lessen your pain by whining about my own.

2 1/2 weeks is too long to be away from home. My house is thrashed. I have suitcases everywhere. The dogs are at the groomer because they reeked from being outside so much. I feel like I've been awake forever. Gracie and I both slept like crap last night. I hope it's better tonight.

I have to be a good wife and cook tonight. Ugh.

Can I go back on vacation yet?

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Big Drop

Came this morning.

So, now I sit and wait for the bitch to show again.

That's all the swearing I have th energy for this month.

Monday, May 02, 2005

F Work


I have been a good employee through my whole vacation and have kept up with e-mails and phone calls. I feel like I have to.

This morning I was rewarded with a birth announcement from a co-worker. His wife had just found out she was expecting when Audrey was born. Their daughter arrived this morning. I really am happy for him. Everyone deserves a healthy baby, but I hate that I was copied on the e-mail. I'm such a bitch.

On top of that, my boss informed me that I either need to take unpaid leave for the time I had off after Audrey was born, or call it vacation time. So, I can burn vacation time I didn't think I'd need to burn, or take a hit in my check because I've already been paid for that time off. I work for one of those lovely companies that does not give paid maternity or bereavement time. Nice to hear about all of that 8 months later, huh?

I'm so glad I work so hard and am such a good employee.



Let me start with saying that I'm sorry you lost your baby. Everytime I hear from another mom who lost her child it all just comes rushing back and the unfairness of it all just breaks mt heart. I'm so sorry that you're one of us, but I will say that you are in good company. I am amazed at how many of us there are and yet, before you were one of us, you never really know how many there are.

My heart really does go out to you. You feel free to contact me any time.

or the record, I'm not as strong as you think and you are stronger than you think. Honest.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Temps are Out of Control

My chart is insane. Seriously.

My temp is currently up, but I had a funny dip the other day. I suppose it could be the illusive implantation dip. We'll see if it stays up for a couple more days. I can't test until I get home on Wednesday... I get home late, so it will actually be Thursday morning. All of that is assuming that AF doesn't show when she is due Tuesday. But, based on when I think O happened, I think this might be one of those goofy long cycles anyway.

So, today is 9 DPO and the 2 WW continues.

I miss you guys. I have a lot of catching up to do. 2 1/2 weeks is too long to be gone. On the up side, it has kept me from obsessing too much about testing... mostly.