Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Friday, May 13, 2005


It's true. It will "destroya".

When I got pregnant with Gracie, I suddenly started having all of these paranoid visions about stuff that could happen to her. I'd be standing by a river and suddenly have a flash of her falling in and getting sucked under by the current. Or, I'd be driving through an intersection and see us get hit and her lifeless and bloody in the back seat. It's the craziest thing. I know now why my mother was always telling us to "get away from that" and telling my dad not to run red lights. I bet she had them too.

It seems this paranoia has been made worse since I lost Audrey. It's everywhere. I see a dog and am suddenly worried she'll be attacked. That one, in particular, is totally crazy because I am a total animal lover and have NEVER been afraid of dogs in my life.

It's really making me nuts. So far, I've managed to let her live a normal life. I don't not let her do things because I'm afraid something will happen. It's just that I've noticed that these flashes are more frequent and, in some cases, more graphic. I mean, I can see her get hurt in a car accident, me being brought into the ER and asking where she is. When they tell me she's gone, I tell them to let me die. I don't want to live if she's gone too.

I mean, this is all sounding very weird. Reading it back it all seems crazy. It's not like I'm depressed or something, it's just that I have these conscious thoughts about it happening and what my reaction would be. It is just paranoid mom stuff? Do I need to see a therapist?

Wait, don't answer that.


  • At 10:03 PM , Anonymous amber said...

    It's only natural to fear losing the things that are most precious to us in life. But, at the same time, we've gotta take control over our fears and not let them rule us. Somtimes that can be super difficult.

    You're a great mom, Michelle.

  • At 1:20 AM , Anonymous Erin said...

    Yes, some of it's just paranoid mom stuff, but probably more magnified for you because you can't bear any more loss in your life. But if if means anything I have crazy paranoia about similar stuff. Even last night I had a dream that I went off to work and forgot my kids were home alone, and in the dream didn't realize I left them until, Oh about 3:00 in the afternoon. I woke up terrified. I have to say I am much more afraid of stuff than I used to be before I was a mom, even normal stuff. And to answer your question, therapy probably couldn't hurt anybody! :)

  • At 2:05 PM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    I think this is very normal. I have talked about this with my therapist. Your sense of safety has really been rocked. Something that was not supposed to happen, happened. So it's only normal that you are going to be afraid of things that you once found safe. Now how to get over it, I'm not sure. I am glad I am in therapy, but you have to want to do it.

  • At 6:54 AM , Anonymous KB said...

    If you need a therapist, so do I, cuz I worry too about crazy things happening to the girls. I think the difference between it being normal or not though lies in HOW it affects you - I mean, worrying about these things are one thing, shutting yourself in the house and refusing to go anywhere for fear of something bad happening is another. If that's where you're at, it's time for help. If not, it's time to get a drink and come to OK. ;)

  • At 5:29 AM , Blogger lauralu said...

    i understand. i freak out about my husband not having his seat belt on before he starts the car, for pete's sake. and while i encourage therapy, i can tell you therapy won't cure this paranoia.

  • At 1:56 PM , Blogger zannetastic said...

    When my son was born, he was diagnosed at two weeks with Down Syndrome. Needless to say, it was a shock, and we had to accept the death of the child we thought we were going to have and readjust. w just forged on and began to do what we had to do. About a year later, I started having panic attacks about my son and my husband dying, crazy stuff. For me, it was post traumatic stress. I had been so busy making sure that I was doing what I had to do, that I neglected to address my fears. I found a therapist who deals with parents of children with special needs. I know that wouldn't be your case, but you have to find the right kind of therapist for you.


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