Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I am a Bad Friend

I haven't been talking to anyone lately. I haven't returned phone calls or e-mails. I'm a bad friend. There are only a couple of people I see and I just don't really keep in touch with anyone else. I'm just a bad friend.

E and I have been friends since junior high. We were together all the time until her parents moved when we were sophmores. We lost touch for a bit and found each other again about 5 years ago. I found out I was pregant with Audrey and she found out she was pregnant with her son about a week later. It was the craziest thing.

Obviously her son was born about the same time Audrey should have been. I think our due dates were like 10 days apart. We've just sort of lost touch over the last few months. We've exchanged a few e-mails in that time, but not much more than that. I got a note from her while I was on vacation and I just hadn't had a chance to respond.

This morning, I got this...

Hi. I miss you. I just wanted you to know I think about you every day. How can I even have a high school memory of you without it turning into me thinking about Audrey? I miss the Michelle that doesn't have to deal with all of this, and I'm sure you do too. I am so sorry you are having a hard time getting pregnant again. That seems to be the only thing that can make this better at all. I wish we could be friends like before, but it's so hard. I have D, and I can't talk about him the way I want because he is around the same age as Audrey would be, and I know that's tough for you. But I don't know what I can do, because there's not anything I can do to make it right. I know you are having a hard time dealing with her still, and as someone who had a healthy baby you probably can't relate to me right now, but I miss you a lot. I check your blog almost every day, but I have no advice to contribute because I don't know what I can say and I hope you don't hate me or resent me too much. But I see all these people posting to you that don't even know you, posting comments and it just bugs me because they can be so supportive and I have nothing. It seems easier for the people who have never met you in person to give you the good vibes and positive thoughts than it is for me. I just wanted you to know how much I miss talking to you. It almost hits too close to home I guess, maybe because of D's age, I don't know. I just wanted you to know I still care so much about you. I hope maybe someday when you get pregnant again we can chat again and that it will not hurt so much. Please let me know if there's anything at all I can do. I hope you are doing alright right now.

It makes me cry all over again when I read it now. I care about E as much as she does me. I really do (E, I do, I swear). I'm just a really shitty friend right now. Well, if I'm being honest, I never was all that great. I've never really had a lot of friends, just a few that I kept in touch with. But, that's really all.

E, I'm so sorry. I am. I want to hear about the boys. I do. It's nothing personal. Honest. Thank you so much for your note. It really means more to me that you would reach out to me like that than all the lame phone calls I get from people who just want to pretend like everything should be okay now. It's those calls I hate. Not yours. I promise.


  • At 11:17 AM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    I am going through the same thing right with my friend S. It's really hard. It sucks the way this screws so much stuff up.

    It sounds like E is a really good friend. I hope that you will eventually be able to have more contact with her again.

  • At 2:40 PM , Anonymous amber said...

    Your friend seems like a true one.
    Don't let her go.

  • At 1:23 AM , Anonymous Erin said...

    You have no business being the one who is sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel worse. I just I just read your blog last night and had a breakdown over it. But thank you. I love you too. It seems life is just handing out handfuls of crap to everyone I know these days and it sucks. I'm glad you don't hate me though. Even if you did I would understand...With all this charm and beauty, I'd hate to be on the same shit list with Britney Spears! PS- the "handfuls of crap" comment I wrote, yeah, I'm still laughing at it.

  • At 9:26 AM , Anonymous Meredith C said...

    Okay, you know that I love you and now I love your friend E and, so, it is just one big love fest here. And you know what's funny about that? E has babies, I can't have any, and you have one and a huge tragedy. So different, all of us, and yet we try to figure out how to relate. I find that to be very comforting as I look out onto the isolating field of life.

    So, anyways, I know that it is hard for both of you right now. That is normal, of course. But your friendship will weather this and, one day in the future, you'll be able to relate again without the pain. In the meantime, it seems like you're both doing a great job of muddling through. Hugs.


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