Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

This Was Supposed to be the Easy Part

When we lost Audrey and Dr. M said we'd have to wait 6 months to try again, we said okay, fine. Getting pregnant will be the easy part. The pregnancy will be the hard part.


Boy, maybe it was that very thought that has jinxed us.

AF came this morning. I suddenly had Elton John in my head singing, "The bitch is back..." I bought a fertility monitor. Almost three hundred bucks down the tubes. If it doesn't seem to make sense of my "whacked out chart" (that is a direct quote from KB), then I will be calling Dr. M for drugs. I may be jumping the gun, but if I wait one more month, that puts me at 6 cycles since I went off the pill and 5 cycles of officially trying. More than enough I'd say. I might have a nervous break down if I have to deal with Audrey's birthday and not be pregnant again. Seriously.

Jim asked this morning how I felt about another cycle and I said it sucked and that I was very bummed. He said don't be, but I have to think he's wondering what's up even if he's not saying it. My mom said maybe my hormone bablance is off since my temps are so screwy. I just feel like I can't win.

The girl in our play group who announced she was prengnant last month and had a miscarriage the next day is pregnant again. She can get pregnant twice and I can't seem to do it once. I know I sound whiny and I'm sorry to those of you who read this who have been trying for years, but it's sooo hard. I know you know that. I just wanted you to know that I know that and I'm not trying to lessen your pain by whining about my own.

2 1/2 weeks is too long to be away from home. My house is thrashed. I have suitcases everywhere. The dogs are at the groomer because they reeked from being outside so much. I feel like I've been awake forever. Gracie and I both slept like crap last night. I hope it's better tonight.

I have to be a good wife and cook tonight. Ugh.

Can I go back on vacation yet?


  • At 1:32 PM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    I'm so sorry MB. It is just not fair that this is taking so long and is so stressful. I think maybe the monitor is a good idea, especially if it will give you any sense of control.

  • At 7:00 PM , Anonymous amber said...

    I'm hoping the FM will help you out this time. I so look forward to reading that you're finally pregnant...

  • At 10:11 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Aside from everything you went through losing Audrey, I think the fact that you did get pg so easily the first two times is what makes this so damn hard. Trust me, I know. While I didn't go through the loss you did, I too felt the heartache at not getting pg right away. It sucks. And I would chide myself for being upset when there are other women out there with bigger problems that mine, but you know, that doesn't make *our* hurt any less real, or any less important. It hurts. And it sucks.

    But... just remember what I told you yesterday.... cycle 5, baby! This is YOUR MONTH!

    And come to OK for another mini-vacation! You drink, I'll laugh, and R can watch the girls.

  • At 10:13 AM , Anonymous KB said...

    I have no idea why that posted as anonymous, but it was me, in case the OK bit didn't clue you in.... ;)


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