Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Still on a "High"

4th day of high readings on the fertility monitor. No peak yet even though my temps have started to creep up after a big drop (the one I thought meant O was coming). Maybe that's normal with the first month while the machine gets used to the hormone levels for each individual. I guess we'll see.

Went for a really long walk today. Our neighborhood has a 4 mile circle that has lots of hills. B and I pushed the girls through the whole thing today. Phew, what a work out. It's hot already too, so that made getting home for a soak in the pool mighty rewarding. I think we might have figured out why my body image has been so crappy. I lost all my weight plus some after I had Gracie, but this time has been very different. Aside from the fact that I didn't have a nursing newborn to help melt the pounds, I have just had no motivation to get the last 10 (okay, maybe it's closer to 20) off and get a little more in shape. None.

Today we walked and I've been eating better and that feels good, but I think that I hate my body for other reasons. My body failed me. My body killed my baby and I just can't seem to get past that. I wonder if figuring it out will help. I think that finally "getting" that might make a difference in my motivation to feel better about how I look. Does that make sense to anyone but me? I know I'm a cow and before I just really didn't care. Well, I cared, but not enough to get off of my fat ass and DO something about it.

I sure the hell hope so.

3 Comments:

  • At 8:48 PM , Anonymous Erin said...

    Yes, it makes perfect sense. But remember you are also 30 now and that is working against you too. It was easier to bounce back even a couple years ago when we we young'uns! I think if I were in your shoes, I might be mad at my body too. That is completely irrational, but it seems to make sense at the same time.

     
  • At 7:00 AM , Blogger vixanne wigg said...

    Well, I was always fat, so it's nothing new for me to hate my body. But, yes, I have certainly experienced the "I killed my baby" thing. I have a plan that if this baby is born, I am going to get in shape and look good...but the last time I followed through on that plan was for my wedding, which was like 4 years ago.

     
  • At 11:07 PM , Anonymous amber said...

    I like "highs". :-)

     

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