Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Found you.

Sheesh. I must be losing my mind.


Where the heck is your journal these days? I went looking for it last week and couldn't find it.

Officially Over The Edge

I decided this morning that I would give in to my stupidity and POAS. It was negative. DUH. I didn't really think it would be positive, but somewhere deep inside I thought i might get a faint line. Nope. So...I went to the Dollar Store today and bought 10 pregnancy tests. I still have 4 in the cabinet. I think I'll do it everyday until I get a positive or AF.

I'm such an ass.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

My Imagination Runs Wild

I hate the 2-week wait. It sucks. I never cared before. I hate that I feel so obsessed with this and have so little control. I feel like I might lose my mind.

I'm already creating symptoms. Am I peeing too much, do my boobs hurt, was I just about to throw up. Seriously. This is just wrong. There is no reason I won't get pregnant just as easily as I have in the past, but for some reason, I am absolutely convinced that we will try forever.

Ugh. Is it next week yet? I caught myself taking out a HPT last night. I had to force myself to put it back. I'm 10 days away from when my period will be due. There is no possible way it would have come out positive. I'm really losing it.

Vixanne said that maybe Fertility Friend is unhealthy. I agree. I think I know too much.

Is it next week NOW??!!??

Friday, February 25, 2005


I hate the 2 week wait. It's CD 19. CD 28 seems ssssooooo far away. I'm already looking for signs. I think my boobs will hurt by the time I'm done squeezing them to see if they hurt. We probably should have done it again last night just for good measure, but I didn't have it in me. It was nice just to cuddle Jim with no expectation.

I went shopping with B last night after we fed our families. The husbands watched the kids so we could get out. It was short, but wonderful. We spent more money that should be allowed in just a 3 hour window. Retail therapy for both of us. I found some maternity clothes on sale. I bought some. I'm sure that will jinx me for the month. I bought some regular stuff too, but I may take that back. I dunno. It was just nice to get out without the girls. We got to talk about sex and use the "F" word a lot. That's always fun! It was like we were being naughty. How sad.

Gracie was up puking last night. I wish I knew what the hell was going on. She's had this funny little cough for the last week. It's just at night and she gets a little fit, and then, like it was never there. I think last night she managed to cough enough that she gagged and then barfed. It wasn't fun. I don't deal well with barf. DH never moved. I had lights on and everything. How nice for him. Needless to say, I was up most of the night making sure she was okay. I'm tired today...

And, I smell like puke. Haven't had time for a shower yet.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Met with Dr. M

Got the official green light today. She said that they'd start me on the Heparin as soon as I get pregnant and have me quit taking the baby aspirin. She'll see me every two weeks until the end when I'll go in twice a week. I'll see Dr. W every month, then every two weeks, then twice a week for fetal monitoring. They'll give me steroids at 29 weeks and deliver around 34. She want me off work at 24. I'll get two high level ultrasound at 18 and 24 weeks to check heart development. Wow. That's a lot. That will be four appointments a week in the end. Sheesh.

I go see Dr. W next week for a follow-up and to get all our ducks in a row. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of that.

For those who don't know the deal, here it is...

We lost Audrey at 33 weeks. She had been measuring small and had lowish fluid. No reason for concern since we have a healthy living daughter (Gracie) who just turned two. No reason to think there would be a problem. I went in for a non-stress test on Sept. 16 and found that our daughter Audrey had died. We think she had been gone for a couple of days. She was delivered that day via c-section.

Our lab work confirmed that I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR mutation) that causes clots (short story to a long explanation) and also a protein S deficiency that causes clots. There are several other tests that we suspect may be positive but we don't have those results back just yet. In a nutshell, my clotting issues caused Audrey's placenta to slowly clot off and kill her.

They treat these with Heparin (one or two injections per day). I've also been taking folic acid, B6, B12 and baby aspirin (which I'll likely be on the rest of my life).

So, having said all that... I'm anxious to get this show on the road.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Today it Got to Me

As a general rule, I manage to keep my emotion in check. I can get through most days without tears and if I don't they usually fall while I'm in the car alone and can wipe them away before someone notices. Not today.

I was rearranging furniture and went to put something in Audrey's room when I decided to look in the box of keepsakes that are in her crib. I sat in her rocker with her little angel urn in my lap and read the words from so many people who sent their wishes when she was born (I say born because I hate to always refer to that day as the day she died. I really hate that). As I reread the notes and cards and traced her little footprints with my fingers, the tears fell and still fall. I smelled the little outfit she wore trying to find some memory of her there, just a little breath of that new baby smell, but it's gone. Gone like my hopes for her future and her happiness. Gone like the dreams I had for her and the smile I'll never see. It's all gone. My love for her will never be gone, but it seems she did take a big piece of my heart with her.

Some have told me that she's an angel watching out for us. They we're lucky to have her up there on our side. It's funny how I don't feel very lucky. I feel sad and empty. I feel hurt and angry. I feel a lot of things and "lucky" is not one of them. I feel ripped off. I feel like all of us were robbed of the chance to know her and for her to know us and that feels very unfair. I've had my share of pain in my life, even before losing my daughter. I didn't need to lose her to know that life is unfair. I already got that.

So today I sat in my daughter's empty room with her sister playing at my feet and occasionally looking up to say "What's the matter Mommy" or "It's okay Mommy" while patting me on the foot and cried so hard I could hardly breathe. I want my daughter back. I want to hold her and feel her and hear her breathe. I want to watch her sleep and hear her cry, I want you kiss her eyelashes and nurse her to sleep. I hate to have to feel this. I miss my baby.

Maybe all of the talk and work to try and conceive her brother or sister has dredged all of this up. I don't really know. Maybe sometimes you just have to feel the pain. I don't know, but today I felt it. Today I feel it like it was the first day, not six months later.

Monday, February 21, 2005

It's a Gamble

I think today is going to be my most fertile day. Jim is going out of town in 4 hours. I think we may have missed our window unless what we did yesterday has some effect. I guess we'll see.

I'm swearing off the OPK's. I haven't had great luck with the temps either. If this month isn't it, then I think I might try a fetility monitor, but I really don't know. I hate feeling like I have to "try" this hard. It's weird, it's like a mission. I've never felt this kind of urgency before and I don't know if I can even explain it. I suppose it's normal not to understand all of my own emotions. I don't know. Maybe today's just a downer day.

I thought maybe I was bummed that Jim was leaving for a couple of days, but I don't think that's it. Honestly, I'm ready for a little bit of quiet time. I've been so cranky today that I think maybe it's good if he leaves. Less opportunity for me to be mean to him for no reason.

I'm starving. It's almost one and I haven't eated anything. Jim & I are supposed to go have lunch before he leaves, but he can't get his collective shit together so we can go. He's driving me nuts. He knows we're in a hurry and he just can't manage his time for crap. He always does this. We'll be walking out the door and I'll say go grab Gracie a cup of apple juice. I'll wait... Come inside and he's emptying the dishwasher. WTF? I know he's trying to be helpful, but his timing usually sucks. Today he decided to cut his toenails. Sheesh. I'm still waiting... Maybe I'm just cranky because I'm so damn hungry. HURRY UP!!!


Sunday, February 20, 2005

Sex, Sex and more Sex

What a weekend. I haven't gotten the positive on and OPK yet, so I've just made sure dh has "covered all my bases"....hahaha. Last time we had a weekend like this was when we got married. Sheesh. The poor man's going to start running the other way. Yeah, right.

I'll have to write a longer post when I have time. Right now, I must have coffee.

Friday, February 18, 2005


Yes, "successfully" really does have that many double letters. It does seem odd now that I look at it though.

The offer stands. Now, next summer, next year. Whenever. You know where to find me (you got my number, right?).

On the other issue... It is my experience that I can ALWAYS find something to be mad at dh about. If you're looking for make up sex, you'll find a reason to be mad. :)

Anyone else hate OPK's?

This is the first time I've used one and I officially hate it. If I take a pregnancy test, I know I can get up in the morning, pee on a stick and Viola. Results. Generally speaking, they are clear results. One line no, two lines yes. Easy enough.

OPK. Get up, pee. Have to remember to pee again between 10 and 3, but can't pee between now and then. I don't know about you all, but after I wake up and get going, it's hard to look at the time and correllate it with things like peeing. I got up this morning, left the house at 11:00. Didn't pee until 2:00, when I realized that I had gone without peeing on the damn stick. Fuck. So, I waited awhile and I get one line and a faint line (like yesterday). Fuck again.

Now I don't know if I really got a negative (which is what I got, right?) or if I just screwed up the timing. Couple that with the fact that I'm trying to chart my temps, but they are goofy because Gracie is up at night with a silly cough, so I'm not sure those are even right. Ugh.

According to my past cycles, the next few days are my green light. I've never paid this much attention and I feel like I'm screwing it up way more than I did when I just threw caution to the wind and guessed which day it might be.

I suppose that knowing this is a pretty good weekend, I could just seduce my poor husband a couple of times a day for the next three days. It is a three day weekend and all...

Make Up Sex

I guess it has its merits.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Been Reading Some Stuff...

So it's taken me until just this week to make myself read a book about what we've been through. There have been books suggested to me on several occasions and I've ignored them (sorry if you suggested I read a book, I didn't read it). I finally bought a couple. Life Touches Life by Lorraine Ash and another one about Pregancy after loss.

I sat down to read Life Touches Life and read it in one sitting. It's really an incredible book. It was written by a woman who lost her daughter due to a Strep infection. She almost died in the process as well. She has been unable to have more children. I think I'll end up reading it again this weekend. She's able to decribe and deal with her loss in a way that I find to be very inspiring.

Well, This Cycle May Not Be It

I'm so pissed at my husband that the thought of spending the next 3 days pretending to want to have sex with him just so we can make a baby doesn't seem like the right thing to do. He's really on my shit list right now and I just don't want to do it with him.

Why am I so pissed at him, you ask?

It all started a few weeks ago. We saw this really cute car on a lot and bought it before our other one sold. No biggie. Then, we started having problems with mine and I said I wanted to sell it and drive the other one for awhile. So, what does my husband do yesterday? He sold the car I wanted to drive when we sold mine. Then, he was an ass about some of the logistics. Anyway, I was mad last night.

The other issue I have is that he's working late far too often (again). AND, he's supposed to have a holiday on Monday that he wants to skip and work through. He claims he'll take the day another time, but he won't. I get so sick of his work schedule and excuses about why it has to be that way. They are all lame. His daughter misses him. He needs to spend time with her. She has hardly seen him in three days and given out last conversation, it isn't getting any better.

So, back to making a baby. I did an OPK today (first time). Faint line. I guess that means no. Fine with me, I wasn't into fooling around tonight anyway.

On to tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better then.


I can't believe I'm doing this. Here goes...

We lost our daughter last September. She was born still at 33 1/2 weeks. My body killed her That's the truth. I am a carrier for a couple of different clotting disorders (which we didn't know before, of course). Those disorders caused her placenta to clot off and eventually it starved her to death. Maybe it's not quite that simple, but in my mind, it is.

Audrey was beautiful just like her sister. I have pictures, but I'm not very fond of them. The night she was born, we weren't thinking about pictures and what we would miss when they took her from us. I wish someone had been there to tell us to do the things we'd regret later. There was a nurse who took a few pictures. It's part of the hospital's procedure... They are awful. What's worse are the pictures that the nurses the next day tried to take to make up for it. They tried so hard, but the pictures show a dead baby. My dead baby. I hate that. I remember her when they first handed her to me. She was warm and pink, so peaceful. I'm choosing to keep that memory. There are times when I have to look at the pictures. They're all I have left of my daughter.

So, this journal is about our journey to a better place. We're trying again. I hate that phrase though. It feels like that invalidates Audrey's life. I don't know what's right though, so that's that.

Today is the first fertile day of the first cycle that we're really going to give it a go. I'm not sure how I feel about it. For months, I've said that I can't wait. For the last few days, I've been dying to try out the OPK's that I have under the bathroom sink.

Today, I'm scared to death.