Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Sorry. Things have been a bit hairy here for the last few days.

We leave tomorrow for our first house-hunting trip. Our house goes on the market on th11th. I quit my job, but told my boss I'd stay as long as I could if they would be flexible with my needing time off to find a house and get ours ready.

So far, so good.

More later...

Friday, September 22, 2006

Tagged by Lorem

Marble - bag...but strangely not the kind you put actual marbles in. Why does my mind go there?

Mischief - puppies...we've been talking about getting a puppy when we get moved.

Bread - damn I'm hungry.

Benevolence - my MIL...Jim used to say growing up with her it was a Benevolent Dictatorship.


If anyone else is interested, I'll think us some words for you...

Thanks Lorem!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Stolen from Catherine

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


I'm so sick of my template. I'm not creative enough to redo it, nor to I have the tech part of that equation in my bag of tricks. My blog-roll was ridiculously outdated. If anyone has any idiot-proof suggestions, I'm game.


I'm waiting for the details on the move. We'll be in Wyomissing, just outside of Reading for those of you who asked. Anyone close? I'm going to need friends (could that sound more pathetic?). I did go ahead and tell my boss even though Jim wanted to wait until we had all of the details. I told him I'd stay as long as I could and that I just needed flexibility so I could find a house and get ours ready to sell.

So, I guess we know our fate, but we're not exactly at the point where we can do anything about it. We have talked with our Realtor and know the few things we need to do to the house before it goes on the market. I really want to make a trip to PA next week though, os i don't know how much we'll get done on the house in the next week.

The biggest thing is to get the closets cleaned out and make our lacking-in-storage house look like it has oh-so-spacious storage options. Most of what has to be done is stuff we should have done eons ago anyway. I have to take down a lot of our family pictures and stuff and then redo how all of my goodies are set up. That may be a challenge. We'll see how it goes.

I started BCP last week. It's making me sick as hell. The fact that my nerves are making my stomach eat itself from the inside out is not helping either. I go back to the RE next week for the IVF schedule. I think I'll start stims around the 15th. Happy birthday to me. I'm ready.

So, that's the news. Oh, thanks so much for all of your comments on the quilts. I didn't post all of the pictures, but they are all so damn cute.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Quilts for Audrey

We Got a Break

We got the job! Pennsylvania here we come!

Huge load off. More later.

Thank you

Thank you for all the nice posts remembering Audrey. I'm very grateful.

I'm feeling more than a little guilty that we didn't really do anything this year. My mom sent the book of quilts (BTW, pics are coming) and one of my friends did call, but no one else really said much.

I can't really be upset with them because other than getting really drunk Friday and going through her memory box, while crying so hard I couldn't breathe, we didn't do anything to commemorate the occasion. Honestly, with everything else that's going on and stressing us out, I don't think either of us could have handled any kind of memorial. I hope Audrey can forgive us for that. We tried to stay out all say (mostly all weekend) and not really have to deal with any of it. I was bummed about that at various times, but just feel like we have enough on our plates.

So, the guilt continues and I have no real defense...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Dear Audrey,

Happy birthday sweet girl.

Tomorrow you turn two and I wish so much that you were here with us to celebrate your birthday. Everyone keeps saying that you 'are' spirit. I hate that. I want to here in person. I want you to have cake with your sister and laugh as you smear it all over your face. I want to have a party for you and watch your awe at the balloons and your friends and the singing.

I have so many wishes where you are concerned. So many things that I wish were not how they are. I want you here. Your sister has been saying that she wants a sister to live with her at her house. I want that too. I want that to be you and it breaks my heart that you're not with at our house.

I don't even know what to say that doesn't involve what I 'wish' or 'hate' or 'I wonder' about this situation. So many things that I want to be different than they are and yet I am confronted with the fact that no matter how much I wish for or hate anything, it will not change.

I hope that where ever you are someone has made you a cake and is hugging and loving you the way we all wish we could. I can only hope that someone who loves you as much as we do is out there caring for you the way we would want it done. Is that possible? Is it possible that you are somewhere doing all the things we wish you were doing here with us. I wonder if you know how much we love and miss you and if you wish you were with us the way we wish you were here.

I know that if you are watching us, you might worry about how we are. I promise that even when our spirits are low and we seem down or angry that inside we know everything will be okay. No matter how hard things get, we are tough and we will make it. Well, as okay as things can be without you here and while we are missing you so very desperately.

There are so many things I want to ask you, so many things I wish I knew. What does your smile look like? I can see it in my mind, but I wish I could see it in the flesh. Do you still look as much like your sister as you did as a baby? Do you laugh like her? What is your personality? Are you kind and fun-loving like your daddy and papa? Or are you more serious and thoughtful like your mom?

I often wonder how our lives might be different right now if you were with us. Would your sister be different if she had you to play with? Would you two wrestle and giggle the way your friends J and K do? I watch K all the time and wonder what you two would be like together. Would you two be buddies the way your sister and J are? Or would you four just be a rowdy group?

I wonder if I would be a better mommy. There are so many times that I am so hurt that you're gone and I know that I might be a better mommy and wife if my heart weren't so broken. I don't know how to fix any of that. I don't know how to heal that hurt. I don't really know how to make any of this better anymore. I can promise that I won't give up, it's just so frustrating to not understand how we got to this place and why.

I do know that without you here, a part of me will always be gone. A part of me will always be wherever you are. I want you to always know how loved and wanted and missed you are. There will always be a space in our family where you should be. Everywhere we go and everything we do, I wonder if it would be the same if you were here. I can't even begin to express how many questions we have to ask you and how many times we have wanted you here with us...where you belong.

I look at your sister and wish you were here to grow with her, to learn how to be a big girl with her; from her. I want it for her as much as I do for you and for me.

I love you baby girl. I love you more everyday. Even on the days that i am angry you are not here, I am angry because I love you so much. I hate that this life has separated us and I can only hope that what people say is true; that there will come a day when we can all be together again the way we should be now.

Love and a million kisses and squeezes,


Thursday, September 14, 2006

It's Fall

In my life, if there was a time when things were going to change, it was in the fall. Every major (read: mostly bad; all dramatic) thing that has happened in my (mostly) adult life has happened in the fall. My birthday is October 15, so many of my birthdays have been tarnished by some upheaval.


October 1990 - The first boy that I really liked cheats on me. I am heartbroken.
October 1993 - I get engaged
October 1994 - I get married
October 1995 - Discover (rather, realize) husband is a major asshole and separate. We file for divorce before our first anniversary.
October 1995 - Sign lease on an apartment that is my first place of my own...way over my head and financially stupid.
November 1995 - Get fired from job.
November 1996
- Get laid off. (move to Texas right after Christmas)
September 1997 - Hate Texas job (love Texas), quit and move back to California (move in with boyfriend...also an asshole)
October 1998 - Move out of boyfriend's house...move in with a friend.
November 1998 - Move back in with asshole.
October 1999 - Move out again.
November 2000 - Finally break up with the asshole for good...not easy, but totally the best thing ever.
November 2001 - Move to Las Vegas with (finally) a nice guy (love you honey)
2002 - Got a break
September 2003 - Move to new house. Move is a disaster and 90% of our furniture is totally destroyed. Lawsuit with moving company ensues and takes over a year to resolve.
September 2004 - WORST DAY daughter is dead.
November 2005 - First IVF...ends in ectopic/miscarriage at the end of November.

Enter fall 2006...

My husband is still technically unemployed. We are hoping for the job in Pennsylvania. If my 'luck' holds, there is a move in our future. The very near future. Well, there's the new round of IVF too...maybe I should move it to Spring...nah...why break precident.

What the hell is it with this time of the year? Why is this always the hardest season for me??

Sending my Love to Laura

Bad news in blogland today. Laura, I'm thinking of you. Anything you need...let me know.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

My Mom Rocks

I don't remember if I mentioned this after I was at my mom's in June, but she's been a very busy girl.

She's getting ready for this big move to Malaysia and has been cleaning out her fabric from various things she has made over the years. She started making crib quilt tops just as a way to use th fabric and before she knew it she had 10 tops. She said she wanted to donate them in Audrey's name when they were finished.

So, the other day I get a package with a small photo album with picture after picture of these darling quilts. The front page is titled "Quilts for Audrey."

My mom enclosed a note that basically said she thought about her sweet girl and missed her everyday and she wanted to do something for other little babies. So she's made and sent these quilts to "For the Love of Babies" (thanks Catherine) in Audrey's name. Each one has a little heart stitched inside with Audrey's name and birthdate.

She said she will make and send 10 of them every year to charities all over the world in Audrey's honor...all over the world since she will soon be quite the world traveler. She said she hoped that there would be little babies snuggled and warm in quilts from Audrey all over the world.

I lover her. She's amazing.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Back in the Saddle

So after yesterday's pity party, I started my period. Yippee.

To celebrate, I met with Dr. Baby Maker this morning. I have a few make up tests to's been a year and all... Once that's done we'll (hopefully) be ready to join in on the October IVF cycle. A few small changes in protocol this time. No Lupron (Antigon instead, I guess it does the trick but is not as supressive. Since I only had four eggs last time, he thinks maybe I was over-supressed) and we'll add clomid to the mix of injectibles to get my brain to help with the chemical work the other stuff does.

So, off we go.

Jim goes back to Philly tomorrow for another meeting (hopefully with an offer from them). It seems like they are ready to wrap this up and I'm sure ready to get this show on the road. We need to get our house on the market before it gets any worse. So far things are still good here, just a little slower. I have allowed myself to look at a few things online. It's fun, but I want some answers beore I get too excited.

Monday, September 11, 2006

No Rewind

I have found myself marking many events over the years by how many hours, days, weeks, months, or years since (fill in tradgedy of choice here). As I mark the time since said events, I find myself reflecting on what I was doing in the hours before.

At this time a week ago I was...

At this time a year ago I was...

Am I the only one who does that? I have been watching the calendar days pass as I get closer to 9/11 and to Audrey's birthday, 9/16, and I think back to the times before any of that happened. What I was doing or thinking and how I am different now. How the world if different now. The things we took for granted, the things we do now that we did not do before.

It's really profound how tragedies/experiences change us. How we are molded by our experiences. I know this is no great revelation, but I suppose a little melacholy serves as a good mood for real refelection. I've just thought and thought about things and wondered what it would all be like if we had a rewind.

What if we could go back and change things. What would happen to the people we have become. Would we trade that? If it meant that I could have Audrey back, would I change every event since. I suppose if I had a lot of happy events, say the birth of another child, that would be changed, I might say no. But right now, I think yes. I would change it. I know that's not a new question. I've heard it asked before...

I just hurt today. I hurt for everyone whose heart is broken. For everyone who lost someone. In whatever way, whatever situation. I hurt. It hurts. I want to take it all back. But, I can't. Not for me or anyone else.

There is no rewind.

edited to say...I don't know if any of that made any sense at all. I guess I'm just in a shitty mood. It's 9/ period is daughter's birthday is in 5 days...and I am sad.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I think I'm dating my chiropractor

I'm having so back trouble. I have a rib that keeps popping out and my lower back has been bugging me for some time. Last week I finally broke down and went to see the back cracker.

I think I let him get to second base.

I was laying on the table minding my own business when he asked to undo my bra. Umm, okay...that rib is kind of under there, sure. So he felt around and did his thing. He sort of got to feel me up since the rib is, well, sort of in my boob area. I feel better for the moment.

But, usually when I let a guy get to second base, I make him buy me a nice dinner and a few cocktails first. Bummer.

**disclaimer... The poor guy didn't do anything inappropriate. He was strictly a victim of location.**

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Old Bat

Some of you might remember some of the antics my mother-in-law has pulled over the years. She is by far the most negative, selfish and sometimes mean-spirited person I know. She literally thinks that the world revolves around her. It's always been that way for her. She was the only woman in a house of six. Her husband had her on a pedestal so high that no one could ever have reached her or knocked her down and anyone who tried had to suffer his wrath for doing so. In short, she's nuts.


She's never had a relationship with any of her 10 grandkids. They all have memories of her being mean to them as kids. Their parents all have memories of things she did and said. All of that is very interesting to me because she was a mother tiger with her boys. I don't know that I fully understand that dynamic, but suffice it to say that no one interfered with her family when her boys were at home. I will say they all remember her as a tyrant. The Benevolent Dictator they called her. Even then much of what went on was about her.

Jim tells stories of birthday presents being returned to the store while he was in school, buying tampons for his mother at 13 (and the girl at the register happened to be the cutest girl in school), according to Jim's brothers, she had screaming and crying jags that sometimes resulted in things being pitched out of the second story window of their house. The funniest thing about all that is not only does it not scratch the surface of the shit she pulled, but until Jim & I married and he spent time with my family, he thought his family was totally normal. Crazy how that works.

Jim's dad was dying when I was pregnant with Gracie. Jim has always known that the relationship his parents has with the grandkids wasn't all that great, but he attributed that to the fact that the kids all live on the other side of the country and his parents were never great travelers. So while I was pregnant, Jim convinced himself that his dad was hanging on to see *his* daughter born. That knowing Jim's daughter was coming was somehow keeping his dad alive. Gracie was born on January 27, 2003 and his dad would enter hospice care the next week. We got permission from the pediatrician to travel with her and we were planning on going to see them so his dad could see and meet Gracie. Jim called his dad to say were were coming and he was told in no uncertain terms that we were not all to come. That only Jim was to come. Jim was crestfallen. It broke his heart that his daughter was born and he just wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but his dying father had no desire to meet her. He went alone and I was left with a week old baby by myself for the next 2 weeks. His dad died on February 24, 2003.

That began the real unrest between myself and Jim's mother. She had been nasty to me plenty of times before and his parents had certainly been very invasive in our relationship, but that was the beginning of the end for me. My three sisters-in-law spent 20 years of their marriages not saying anything to her about her attitude, but I was done. I very seldom let her off the hook anymore. She and I have had several knock-down drag outs that usually result in my packing our shit a fews days early and telling Jim he can stay, but the car leaves in an hour. God bless my husband, because he has never missed that departure. He always stands up for me. I love him for that.

and now back to our regularly scheduled program~~~~~~

So, this last weekend, the Old Bat pulled her last stunt on my watch. She spent the entire weekend alternately making one person or another cry (mostly the grand daughters as she seems to pick on them the most). I stayed away from her as much as possible, and tried to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, although I did let her have it from time to time.

Nothing is ever good enough. She won't pick where she wants to go eat, but you can bet she will bitch her head off about where we end up. She complained that the wedding site was too far away (30 minutes), she complained that it was too 'over the top' (it wasn't even close and it was such a beautiful place). She complained the music was too loud (hello...WEDDING RECEPTION!). From the time we got to the reception she was asking to leave. She sat at a table with her arms crossed pouting like a 5 year-old. It was unreal.

So, Gracie was an angel the entire trip except for when she was dragged off of the dance floor so we could take the Old Bat home so she wouldn't absolutely ruin the event for the Bride and Groom. Gracie cried (she's 3, it's allowed) on the walk to the car, but the sight of a couple of deer dried her tears pretty quickly given the circumstances.

The Cousins (who are all 19-26) doted on her in a huge way, the Aunts and Uncles did the same. Gracie was the center of attention and the Old Bat was having none of it.

She spent her weekend sequestering small groups of the 30 or so of us present and trying to tell them all how awful Gracie was. That she is a 'horrible brat', that if we don't get her behavior under control we are 'in for it'. She tried telling everyone what a terror she was and how we as parents were ruining her by letting her sleep with us...It went on and on. At various time throughout the weekend we had various family members come to us to report the Old Bat's antics.

By Sunday night, Jim & I had had it. Neither of us even came downstairs Monday morning to see her off to the airport. I told Jim that she would see my daughter once a year, if she was lucky. Through tears I told him and his brothers that I didn't understand why a 75 year old woman would be so nasty to an innocent child. That's what it all boils down to; she's nasty. She did it all because she wanted the attention that others were paying to Gracie. I'm done with her. She's still his Mother, but I'd be willing to be she sees him less now too.

I could tell stories that would curl your toes. She's just that crazy. But, I would just like to end it with this little tidbit. The Old Bat claims to be deathly allergic to animals. The funny thing is that she only has these reactions when she knows there have been animals present. There have been plenty of times when she was told there were no animals and magically there were no ill-affects.

I'm getting a cat. I'm naming her Insurance. Insurance that the Old Bat never comes to my house again.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


I can't believe he's really dead. I mean, that sounds stupid because he should have died so many times, but really? A stingray? Shit.

I have long had a crush on Mr. Irwin. A secret-y in-the-closet kind fo crush. I spent my Y2K watching the Croc Hunter marathon instead of going out. Sad. But still. He's gone?

I'm sad. I'm sad for me, I'm sad for his family...those kids. So, so sad.

I know he was annoyingly up and happy all the time. Obnoxious even. But he was my secret favorite thing. I even have a plastic Steve Irwin on my desk. He's even wearing SCUBA gear and has a shark with him. Should have been a stingray. Who knew.


I've just spent 5 days with my in-laws. It was fabulous except for the part about my MIL being present. Bitch. That's another entry. Suffice it to say, she will see neither my daughter nor I for a very, very long time. She was a complete bitch to my 3 year-old daughter. A 75 year-old woman. WTF. Whose life is so miserable that they take their misery out on a kid. A kid who happens to be their grandchild. Fuck, I'm mad about that.

Anyway, details to follow. For now,'s sad.