Dear Audrey,

Happy birthday sweet girl.

Tomorrow you turn two and I wish so much that you were here with us to celebrate your birthday. Everyone keeps saying that you 'are' here...in spirit. I hate that. I want to here in person. I want you to have cake with your sister and laugh as you smear it all over your face. I want to have a party for you and watch your awe at the balloons and your friends and the singing.

I have so many wishes where you are concerned. So many things that I wish were not how they are. I want you here. Your sister has been saying that she wants a sister to live with her at her house. I want that too. I want that to be you and it breaks my heart that you're not with us...living at our house.

I don't even know what to say that doesn't involve what I 'wish' or 'hate' or 'I wonder' about this situation. So many things that I want to be different than they are and yet I am confronted with the fact that no matter how much I wish for or hate anything, it will not change.

I hope that where ever you are someone has made you a cake and is hugging and loving you the way we all wish we could. I can only hope that someone who loves you as much as we do is out there caring for you the way we would want it done. Is that possible? Is it possible that you are somewhere doing all the things we wish you were doing here with us. I wonder if you know how much we love and miss you and if you wish you were with us the way we wish you were here.

I know that if you are watching us, you might worry about how we are. I promise that even when our spirits are low and we seem down or angry that inside we know everything will be okay. No matter how hard things get, we are tough and we will make it. Well, as okay as things can be without you here and while we are missing you so very desperately.

There are so many things I want to ask you, so many things I wish I knew. What does your smile look like? I can see it in my mind, but I wish I could see it in the flesh. Do you still look as much like your sister as you did as a baby? Do you laugh like her? What is your personality? Are you kind and fun-loving like your daddy and papa? Or are you more serious and thoughtful like your mom?

I often wonder how our lives might be different right now if you were with us. Would your sister be different if she had you to play with? Would you two wrestle and giggle the way your friends J and K do? I watch K all the time and wonder what you two would be like together. Would you two be buddies the way your sister and J are? Or would you four just be a rowdy group?

I wonder if I would be a better mommy. There are so many times that I am so hurt that you're gone and I know that I might be a better mommy and wife if my heart weren't so broken. I don't know how to fix any of that. I don't know how to heal that hurt. I don't really know how to make any of this better anymore. I can promise that I won't give up, it's just so frustrating to not understand how we got to this place and why.

I do know that without you here, a part of me will always be gone. A part of me will always be wherever you are. I want you to always know how loved and wanted and missed you are. There will always be a space in our family where you should be. Everywhere we go and everything we do, I wonder if it would be the same if you were here. I can't even begin to express how many questions we have to ask you and how many times we have wanted you here with us...where you belong.

I look at your sister and wish you were here to grow with her, to learn how to be a big girl with her; from her. I want it for her as much as I do for you and for me.

I love you baby girl. I love you more everyday. Even on the days that i am angry you are not here, I am angry because I love you so much. I hate that this life has separated us and I can only hope that what people say is true; that there will come a day when we can all be together again the way we should be now.

Love and a million kisses and squeezes,

Mommy