No Rewind

I have found myself marking many events over the years by how many hours, days, weeks, months, or years since (fill in tradgedy of choice here). As I mark the time since said events, I find myself reflecting on what I was doing in the hours before.

At this time a week ago I was...

At this time a year ago I was...

Am I the only one who does that? I have been watching the calendar days pass as I get closer to 9/11 and to Audrey's birthday, 9/16, and I think back to the times before any of that happened. What I was doing or thinking and how I am different now. How the world if different now. The things we took for granted, the things we do now that we did not do before.

It's really profound how tragedies/experiences change us. How we are molded by our experiences. I know this is no great revelation, but I suppose a little melacholy serves as a good mood for real refelection. I've just thought and thought about things and wondered what it would all be like if we had a rewind.

What if we could go back and change things. What would happen to the people we have become. Would we trade that? If it meant that I could have Audrey back, would I change every event since. I suppose if I had a lot of happy events, say the birth of another child, that would be changed, I might say no. But right now, I think yes. I would change it. I know that's not a new question. I've heard it asked before...

I just hurt today. I hurt for everyone whose heart is broken. For everyone who lost someone. In whatever way, whatever situation. I hurt. It hurts. I want to take it all back. But, I can't. Not for me or anyone else.

There is no rewind.

edited to say...I don't know if any of that made any sense at all. I guess I'm just in a shitty mood. It's 9/11...my period is due...my daughter's birthday is in 5 days...and I am sad.