Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The World I Live In

As I am faced with the likelihood that we will be moving soon, I have been forced to think about things that I have long ignored. I have to decide about Audrey's room. Audrey's stuff. The whole thing. And it sucks ass if I must say so myself.

I've left her room pretty much as it was when it was half-finished the day she was born. We finished the painting and wallpapering, but I had already loaded diapers, washed, folded and put the little clothes and socks away. The is crib is made and waiting for her. Now her little wooden box is all that rests there.

Am I the only one who thinks that having a dead kid is kind of surreal? I mean, I have her stuff, I have the memories of being pregnant, but not what I wish I had. Honestly, I was so absorbed with other things at that point in life, I didn't take the time to stop and remember stuff the way I should have. The things I remember the most vividly, are the things I am the most ashamed of. What I said to the customer who said "you're pregnant again?".... Me, exasperated: "yeah, here we go again...". Ugh, what an asshole I am. The last time I remember her moving and I was so into playing my role for work that I just blew it off. But now, I can still feel her little foot stretch out again my side. I have all of that. I know she was here. I know she was (is) ours. I know I have another daughter, but she's not apart of my life in a way that makes me see her the same way I do Gracie. I wish I understood that. I wish I didn't hate myself for seeing things that way, but as I think about it more, it's so hard to just continue to ignore.

I walked Gracie to her room for something last night and walked past Audrey's birth announcement and her picture, I stopped to give her little face a kiss goodnight and was just overcome with the feeling of sadness and loss. I started to cry and Gracie asked if Audrey was asleep in Heaven. I had to tell her I don't know. I don't. I don't know what my own daughter does all day. Does she do anything? I don't know. I don't know her. How in hell is that fair? How is that right? And yet, it is and life goes on. I don't understand how that can be possible, and yet it is.

I don't know if it's time and a little distance that make me try and figure all this out in ways I haven't before. It's like I'm trying to analyze and rationalize in a way I haven't tried before in hopes that somehow it will suddenly make sense. It's not working so far.

I've been trying to figure out what to do about selling the house. What do I do with her room? I intend on taking most of the family pictures I have scattered around and putting them away. I suppose having a room dedicated to a dead kid (with dead pictures and all) is not a selling feature? Think it would scare buyers away? I suppose yes. I have pretty much decided to take it all down and get rid of the nursery furniture. It will become a temporary play room for Gracie's toys. I don't really know what else to do with it. I don't really want to take the paper down and repaint, but I guess it may come to that. I don't know.

We were talking about whether we would pack everything and fly or if we would drive one of the cars to wherever we end up. We decided to drive because I wouldn't be able to fly with Audrey's box (can't put it in luggage and I doubt I could carry it on). And well, putting her in the moving van was never an option. So drive we will because I can't bear to pack my daughter away.

What kind of fucked up world is it that we live in where a mother has to make this kind of damn decision? Seriously. WTF.


  • At 4:12 PM , Blogger Alli said...

    Michelle, that sucks. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It's perfectly natural that you would have a hard time dealing with it - losing a child - it's hard to even wrap my brain around it.

    Please don't beat yourself up about the thoughts of your pregnancy! You aren't an asshole for not remembering every single minute of it all.

    Anyway, I'm sure there is little anyone could ever say to console you, but know that I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.

  • At 6:13 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    I don't know anything wise to say...just lots of hugs and love...

  • At 8:18 PM , Blogger kate said...

    (((((((hugs))))))))) For what it's worth, i was the same way when i was pg with Nicolas -- i was applying & interviewing for jobs etc, and not paying any attention to being pg. Maybe if i had been paying MORE attention we would have had a better outcome...

    Anyway, advice -- you can ask your real estate agent what to do about Audrey's room. I don't see any problem with leaving her furniture up, if you are not ready to take it down yet. I mean, it is not like the people visiting the house are going to *ask*...

    And i am sorry about the transportation issue. We had that, and it *sucks*, it is just not right.

  • At 11:46 AM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I read your other enrty first, and I think the balloon tradition is such a great idea.

    I think when pregnant with our second child, us mom's just don't take the time to savor the little moments. Most moms that I know say they weren't able to do that with their second children. It is completely normal, although I can understand your guilt. But you didn't know what the tragic outcome of your pregnancy would be, and the phrase 'hindsight is 20/20' is so true. Have you ever thought about how you would feel now even if you had savored every moment? Do you think it would have made you less sad? I obviously don't know about losing a child, so I'm just asking. I will say that I still feel guilt over the same things I feel I could have done better for my mom in her last days. So there you go.

    I probaably would drive also in your situation, although you really shouldn't have to even consider such a thing. You sound angry, and have every right to be. I hope you are able to work through it to your satisfaction. I don't think anyone ever 'gets over' a dead child. My in-laws lost hubby's brother when he was a month old, and they still visit the cemetary and talk about him. He would have been 39 years old this June.
    Be kind ot yourself.

  • At 2:31 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

    I've started to feel sort strange about still having Kate's room all set up. We still occasionally have people come over who haven't seem our house (we moved right before Kate was born) and Kate's room is always an awkward part of the tour... I keep the door open and it is right at the top of the stairs... so it's obvious.

    And I agree having a dead child is very surreal. I really don't get it sometimes...

    I hope Jim's interviews go well and that you get to move soon... even though moving comes with so much crappy-I shouldn't have to think about this- stuff. I hope your drive to a new home will be ok... Flying does sound very complicated.

  • At 4:47 AM , Blogger Jill said...

    God Michelle, I'm so sorry. (((hugs)))

  • At 5:54 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    They say “That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger”, I guess we all must be bionic by now! I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to pack her away but when do we move on, if ever? I'm starting my daughters memory book next week, I'm hoping I can put her and all her memories inside and keep her somewhere safe, somewhere calm, in a book I can carry around with me if I move again. If you like I’ll let you know when it’s done and if it helped at all. It's the only thing I can think of doing for her. Anyone else have any ideas?

    Kind regards.



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