Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Blog Challenge

Do you still keep in contact with your childhood/teenage friends? If not, what is the reason(s)? Do you find that since you've become an adult, that your desire for friendships have decreased? Or do you find that you connect better with a different type of friend than the ones you had growing up?

At one point, I was in touch with two of the friends I had growing up. Now, it's only really one.

One girlfriend I met in Jr. High sort of disappeared after Audrey was born. We were pregnant at the same time (due within 2 weeks of each other) and the day I called her to tell her Audrey was gone, she never returned my call. I got an e-mail from her saying she was sorry, but it was too hard for her to deal given she was due in a few weeks. I did see her once after that, but I rarely hear from her now. I don't know if her life got too hectic after her second baby came, or if dealing with me was just too painful. Maybe she thinks that my being involved with her would be too painful for me. I don't really know.

The other friend is only recently married and doesn't have any kids. We've known each other since high school, but we've always had a relationship where we would talk every couple of weeks or so and pick up right where we left off. I see her a couple of times a year, tops.

I suppose my problem is partly, we moved a lot when I was a kid and I just never really had the time to develop friendships that would last. Also, I never really learned how to cultivate that kind of relationship. I learned early that friends didn't last long because we'd be moving soon (we always did) and there was no reason to get attached to anyone. It was just too sad to leave when you got too close.

As an adult, I struggle to be a good friend. I have a hard time staying in touch with people and getting too close. I struggle to stay emotionally involved. My mom jokes that I didn't have a very good teacher because she doesn't have a lot of friends who have been around for years. The few she does have are ones that she talks to only a few times a year and sees very seldom.

I have a few good friends that I've met as an adult, but life gets complicated and those relationships certainly ebb and flow. It's more a meeting of families. The husbands have to have some sort of connection and the kids all have to get along or it just doesn't work. I have a few of those relationships, but only a couple that I could seeing lasting long term and being able to endure changes in life...like a move if we were to have to leave Vegas.

I suppose when all is said and done, I have only myself to blame. I tend to worry that my problems are a burden to others so when life gets tough for me, I turn inward and try not to rely on anyone, lest I burden them with my crap. These days I find myself doing that more and more.

In the end, I think the folks I have 'met' through TLOL and this blog are people in the world who know my inner-workings better than any 'real-life' friends I have. Maybe it's safer and there is less pressure this way. I don't really understand it.

That was a tough challenge! Now, maybe you all should try that one! Phew!

1 Comments:

  • At 11:40 AM , Blogger pithydithy said...

    As I get older, I find myself thinking a lot about friendship too. I realized recently that I've been in VT for over a year now, and I don't have anyone who is really a close friend. Close in the sense of, oh, I dunno, I'd call her to tell her about the match. It just gets harder to make friends.

    And maybe harder to keep them. I was rather flabbergasted at your friend's response to the loss of Audrey-- it was too hard for HER?! For HER?! How the hell did she think that you felt?

    Sigh. I should not rant about things that I don't know.

    Anyway, I find, too, that my online friends perhaps know me better than any in real life ones. I'd pretend that that's scary or something, but seeing as we're online friends, I won't go through the charade. Love you!

    (And if you move to Yankee-land, maybe we can meeet and be real-life friends too!)

     

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