Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, June 26, 2006

In Which I am Grateful...dammit.

The clomid is all over my face. I have the worst acne. I thought it might have been from the stifling humidity at my mom's last week, but alas, no. It's the damn clomid. It's awful. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself, now I have zits. Lovely.

I've been trying so hard to not make and live in my own hell. I read recently, that we can create our 'heaven' by focusing on the good things in our lives, or we can live in our personal 'hell(s)' by not being able to see the good stuff. I guess it kind of made a little sense; it got me thinking about how focused on the bad stuff I have been and how seldom I stop to smell the roses I have.
It's so hard not to get down. I see everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies and it just makes it so much harder to not feel so ripped off by all that's happened in two years. I'm now watching women who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Audrey going on to have second or even third babies.
And here I sit. Trying to be patient. Trying not to stress out. And not doing very well at any of it. I just continue to feel so broken. Every passing month brings a little hope and then, none. Nothing. I decided not to temp this month because at the end of last cycle I wasn't even sleeping past 1:30 am because I was so anxious about whether my temp would drop.
August 1 was supposed to be my due date after the IVF. I should be getting ready for a baby now. I should be looking forward to what was to come.
But I'm not. And it hurts so fucking bad. So many should have beens and it's so hard to look forward when it seems there is so little to look forward to right now. I'm so tired.
But I'm grateful. Really.


  • At 3:01 PM , Blogger Julie said...

    I hope that the not temping can bring some relief to at least some of the stress. I'm sorry this is so damn hard. It's not right at all. Sending love and hugs.

  • At 3:18 PM , Blogger Lisa P. said...

    hey MB, thanks for commenting on my most recent entry.

    I feel very much the way you do and don't know how to turn off the voice in my head that says "your whole life sucks, get used to it." Some days I can turn the volume down, but it never quite goes away and I don't know how to get back to the old me, the one who could see the bright side of things. It seems more and more like there is no bright side.

    I think I'm a few days behind you, cycle-wise, so I'm not surprised that I'm a weepy, bitter, pathetic mess. Maybe we can eat chocolate together and write nasty emails to all baby-related business?

    But of course if we do, we'll be grateful while doing it... Riiiight.

  • At 3:26 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    i acknowledge that i'm in a little different place, and *should* be grateful for it...and some days i am, like every other day. but the days in between i am definitely doing lots of hell-on-earth-making. i don't even try any more not to do it. much of life *is* hellish, and being all pollyana-ish about it isn't going to change that fact. but there's much to be said for a positive attitude - benefits galore, according to researchers everywhere. so let them be positive all the time and see how it goes.

    i'm sorry you're in this place, and i hope there's some heaven to be made of all of it.

  • At 3:39 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

    I'm probably can't be that supportive because I feel like I'm in a similar place. And the scary thing, that I don't like to admit to myself, is that imagining being pregnant doesn't make me feel instantly better. It scares me that I can't fathom actually feeling "good".


  • At 4:32 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...


  • At 6:33 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I have had that lovely clomid acne. I felt like isn't it enough that I have to deal with being infertile, but now I have to look bad too! I hate, hate hate clomid!

    As for looking on the bright side...Michelle, come on. You have been through hell, I don't have to tell you that! When my mom died and I couldn't get pregnant, I would tell myself to look at all that I have, what is my problem?! The problem is losing Audrey is a life changing experience. Having m/c and not being able to get pregnant again is devastating. You are doing your best to just hold on and not lose it some days. That is enough for you to handle right now. I know you are grateful for what you have, but I also know it is damn hard NOT to think about what you don't have. And children are something that money can't buy. Be kind to yourself.

  • At 6:30 AM , Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

    No one told me you could get follicles on your face!

    Not sure how you're grateful. Is it grateful in a way like having my mom drive me crazy, and I say, 'At least I have a mom'?

    Over and over again my heart breaks for you. I know the despair of never seeming to get there.

    We will get there.... right?

  • At 8:58 AM , Blogger kate said...


    I don't believe in that positive thinking bullcrap. Yes, there are people who become so bitter that they forget the good that is in their lives. I do not see that you are in that place, though. Most of us *do* do our best to balance good and bad -- and when there is a lot of bad, it naturally outweighs the good. How can you smell the roses when someone is hitting you in the head with a brick?

    I hope that you can find some moments of peace...


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