In Which I am Grateful...dammit.

The clomid is all over my face. I have the worst acne. I thought it might have been from the stifling humidity at my mom's last week, but alas, no. It's the damn clomid. It's awful. As if I don't feel bad enough about myself, now I have zits. Lovely.

I've been trying so hard to not make and live in my own hell. I read recently, that we can create our 'heaven' by focusing on the good things in our lives, or we can live in our personal 'hell(s)' by not being able to see the good stuff. I guess it kind of made a little sense; it got me thinking about how focused on the bad stuff I have been and how seldom I stop to smell the roses I have.

It's so hard not to get down. I see everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies and it just makes it so much harder to not feel so ripped off by all that's happened in two years. I'm now watching women who were pregnant when I was pregnant with Audrey going on to have second or even third babies.

And here I sit. Trying to be patient. Trying not to stress out. And not doing very well at any of it. I just continue to feel so broken. Every passing month brings a little hope and then, none. Nothing. I decided not to temp this month because at the end of last cycle I wasn't even sleeping past 1:30 am because I was so anxious about whether my temp would drop.

August 1 was supposed to be my due date after the IVF. I should be getting ready for a baby now. I should be looking forward to what was to come.

But I'm not. And it hurts so fucking bad. So many should have beens and it's so hard to look forward when it seems there is so little to look forward to right now. I'm so tired.

But I'm grateful. Really.