Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

It's Over

The level went down from Sunday to yesterday. It's over. I just have to wait for nature to take its course.

I am flattened.

No News

The lab screwed up and ran everything but the HCG level. Assholes. They didn't call me until 6 last night, so I didn't get a chance to update. By the time they called, I was so worked up and stressed and then when they did and told me they didn't even have the numbers, I cried until I was exhausted and went to bed.


So, hopefully they'll call me soon and I can update...

Monday, November 28, 2005

Third Beta

Well, not so hot. 368. Wednesday was 150. Dr. BM isn't thrilled, but he's not freaking either. The fact that I already feel pukey is keeping me sane.

4th Beta tomorrow. I'll update after that.

Can I get off the ride now?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Second Beta

Numbers are good. Still pregnant. Getting more hopeful.

Happy Thanksgiving All!


The bleeding has mostly stopped. It's no longer scary and red. I'm happy about that. I did my second beta this morning. I will probably be on my way to California when I get the results, so I'm not really sure if I'll be able to post them before Monday.

I'm starting to feel more positive. The HPT from this morning was much darker, so things must be going okay in there.

Here's hoping.

Welcome Gideon!

We're so happy you've arrived safely.

Something to be thankful for this year for sure.

Congratulations Marc and Vix! Now the adventure begins!

Monday, November 21, 2005


Remember how I said in the last post I had all this insight and knowledge?

I don't.

Th doctor called back. My blood levels were normal and great. I'm pregnant. He said the bleeding could be normal but to call him if it gets worse because he can do more. But, for now, it's okay.

I'm scared. Why don't I feel any better?

Knowledge and Learning

I went up to the clinic to do a blood test. I called Dr. BM and recounted the details of the last two days and proceeded to melt into a blubbering puddle of tears while we talked. It's the first time I've broken down with him. I've tried to be calm and collected because I assumed he got enough of the blubbering. I even kept my cool while I recounted the details of my pregnancy with Audrey and then, her death at our first meeting.

He didn't give me any info. He tried to be sympathetic and just said that he'd call when he got to see my blood levels. I guess that's the best I could hope for.

As I drove back to the office, I started thinking about this process and what we've been through to do it. I remember saying that I didn't know how people did this over and over and how I didn't think I could do it. I was wrong. I know why they do it. I know it because when I finally came to the realization that it's over for us this cycle, I knew that I would jump back in the game as soon as I could. I said I wouldn't, but the truth is that I can't give up. I can't stop here. I know why people do it again and again. It's because they have no choice.

We are driven by a single, and common desire. To have a baby. A baby to bring home, to love and to carry our genetic material into the future.

Dammit, I wish it wasn't so hard for some of us to get it done.

Bleeding Part Deux

Full on, AF style bleeding now.



No longer spotting.

Still got a postive HPT this morning.

I feel like my insides are being ripped out.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


I'm spotting.

Shit, shit, shit.

I don't need yin and yang right now. I only want the good stuff.


The universe is screwing with me. Why? Why? Why?

Oh My God

It's 2:30 AM. I woke up and was just making myself sick with anticipation, so I tested.

There is a very faint, faint line.

It can't be the trigger since it has been 14 days since I had it (it takes 10 days for it to get out of your system).

Holy Shit.

Please let it be darker tomorrow.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Waiting and waiting some more

Ugh. This isn't getting any better. I am buying some HPTs this weekend. Maybe tonight. I think I'll try on Sunday. Maybe. I might be too scared. I don't know.

Work was (is) slow today so I've been able to spend most of my day agonizing over symptoms (or lack of). I've had cramping through this whole thing, so I can't tell if that means anything. I've peed a lot today, but I've been trying to drink more water. My boobs are no longer sore, but that could be because the trigger has finally worked its way out of my system.

So as I sit here making up symptoms I do/don't have, I am just driving myself (more) nuts.

Is it Wednesday yet?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

And now, the news.

It turns out that number three lives! Dr. Baby Maker told us that three had arrested on the day of transfer, but I was told today that it lives and was frozen.

I guess the policy is that even after they say that an embryo has arrested, they leave it for two days and check it just to be sure. So on day two they went back to number three and it had morphed into a cute littel blast. It's reward was a nice chilly nap for the next who knows how long.

Who knew. We do have a back up. here's hoping we don't need it and in a year I can donate it to stem cell research.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Anyone know where I can buy a window to my uterus?

I'm dying. It's been 3 days. I have to wait 10 for the beta. I might try testing on Sunday but I'm scared to death it will be too early. I'm not sure what I should be looking out for. I'm trying to be careful, but how do I do nothing and work and take care of Gracie?

I find myself freaking out every time I pee that they might fall out. Are they still alive? Have they implanted? I just got up from my chair really fast, did I jostle them loose?


Tuesday, November 15, 2005


(2 days post 6 day transfer) anyone know if I can test before "test date" and actually get a positive? I'm scared of seeing a BFN. But, waiting until next Wednesday is going to be near impossible. I carry the impatient gene in a big, big way.

Well, we only transferred 2. The 3rd didn't make it. Poor baby.. Baby Makere says we have an 80% chance of pregnancy and a 35% chance of twins. Wahoo! I'll take those odds.

Anyway, I am on day 2 of bedrest. Going nuts but trying to be good.

Gotta run.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Transfer Day

Looks like we still have 3. We may transfer them all. Freezing just one seems a little silly to me since chances are it won't make the thaw if we do. It may be a couple days before I can update again. I'll have 2 days of bed rest...

Hope all is well with all of you & I'll catch up again soon.


Friday, November 11, 2005

The latest

Well, the one that was 8 yesterday has started to compact (good news, it's on its way to blastocyst), the ones that were 4 and 6 are now 10 and should start to compact soon. That said, he's going to call us tomorrow morning and let us know if we transfer tomorrow afternoon or Sunday morning.

Grow babies grow!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

This just in

Dr. Baby Maker called. We still have three. The one that looks the best is an 8 cell, then there's a 6 and a 4. He said we could transfer tonight and see what happens. Or, we can give them a couple more days and try to get them to the blastcyst stage where they have a better chance of implantation and pregnancy (like 50% better).

If the worst case happens and none of them make it (oh God, that makes me want to throw up), it confirms that my egg quality is crap these days and my ovaries don't function as well as they used to. That said, if we do this again, Dr. Baby Maker will know what to do to be more aggressive and go after it a little harder if there is a next time.

Needless to say, we'll wait to hear from him tomorrow on how many there are and what they are doing. No transfer tonight. Tonight we wait.

This is so fucking stressful.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Waiting Impatiently

Today is a boring day. Made my trip to give blood to Dr. Baby Maker. Woohoo. I look like a tweaker with all of these holes in my arms. I've had to do it 5 of 7 days in the last week. Ugh. Pin cushion.

Not much else to report. They give the babies today to incubate and then I'll get an update and final transfer schedule tomorrow. Tomorrow will drag. I won't hear until after 4PM. Ugh.

my b-o-r-i-n-g blahg.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

And then there were three.

Retrieval went well. We got four. Not what I had hoped, but certainly better than zero.

Today, we have three that fertilized. So, we're happy there are any at all and trying to be positive about the possibilities. We'll get another update on Thursday after they've had a day to incubate.

I start the progesterone gel tonight. I'm sure that will be lovely up the hoo-ha. The alternative is a really nasty injection, so the gel is welcomed.

Thanks ya'll for checking on me. I wanted to update sooner, but I was down all day yesterday and wasn't home much today. You guys are great. I appreciate all the well-wishes and good positive vibes. Thank you.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Winner, winner, winner!


Dr. Baby Maker found a couple of tardies today! Wohoo! They are all over 14mm, so a pretty good shot that any of them will be good. He says they usually get 70% of what's available, so he should get 6 when they retrieve on Monday. I go in at 12:30 PM.

Tonight I 1:30 AM. Ugh. Now, I just have to stay awake.

Oh, and to balance out that news, I got a letter from our insurance company that they are cancelling our car insurance because of my 2 accidents. Shit. I have until the end of the year to find a new one... Did I say shit?

Oh well, I can't drive, but we have lots of eggs!!!

Friday, November 04, 2005

The Wall Crumbles...Just a little

First, Julie. I'm so sorry. There are no words. I'm just so sorry.


Still 5 or 6 follicles. Not sure yet if we'll trigger today or tomorrow. Dr. Baby Maker wanted to see today's blood before he tells me what to do. If we trigger today, retrieval is Sunday. If it's tomorrow, then Monday. I could use the day off of work.

As I sat in the little ultrasound room this morning waiting for Dr. Baby Maker to arrive, all I could do was think about how badly I want this to work. I started thinking about my less than ideal ovarian performance and started to freak out a little about what would happen if it didn't. I sat looking at an Anne Geddes picture on the wall (Why would a fertility clinic do that? Decorate with cutsie baby pictures? Isn't that a little tasteless? Don't they think we get enough of that? We have to have it rubbed in our faces?) and suddenly it hit me how sad I would be if there wasn't another baby running around our house. How sad will I be for Gracie if she can't have a sibling to share her life with? It's all so heart breaking.

I sat waiting for the doctor, crying a little and wondering what the outcome of all this would be. I hope it works. I want it to work. Hoping that Dr. Baby Maker lives up to his reputation (our clinic is like #6 in the country). I try to be tough for the doctors. I figure they see enough blubbering in their offices, I'll save them the trouble of dealing with mine too. Today wasn't that kind of a day. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's just me. I don't know.

So, I wait until someone tells me to take the Bravelle tonight or to take the trigger. I honestly don't care which it is as long as the end result is good.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Panic Attacks

I think I'm getting very close to having full blown panic attacks.

Today, my mom & dad took Gracie for 5 days to my brother's house in California. I'm sad she's gone, but that's not what is freaking me out.

I'm scared to death something will happen to her while she's gone. I've had these little flashes before. I think most mothers do. My problem is that mine have gotten very graphic and lengthy.

I can see them getting into a car accident on the way and I can see in my mind, Gracie face at the moment the other car hits them. I can see the blood and the damage to her little body and I can hear her calling for me when I'm not there. I can see them at the beach and her playing too close to the water and drowning as she gets pulled under by the waves. Again, she's screaming for me and I'm not there. I could go on. I have a scenario for almost every possible thing they could do while they are gone.

I suppose the common thread is that she calls and I'm not there. Is that a fear of all of mothers? Does it stem from the fact that Audrey was dying inside of me and I didn't hear her crying for me to help her? Slowly my body deprived her of everything she needed to survive and I didn't hear her crying for me to save her. I suppose that's probably part of it.

I wonder too if I'm so scared of losing Gracie because I know I just couldn't bear the thought of losing another child. How could I go through that again. I don't think there is any way I would survive it.

Maybe I should check into seeing a therapist.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

As Good As It Gets

Four on the right and one or two on the left. That all I'm gonna get out of the girls this cycle.

Dr. Baby Maker did say that he only needs two good blasts, but he didn't sound hopeful that would leave us any for the freezer. So I guess I have to decide if I will do another IVF if we don't have any frozen kids. I said I wouldn't do it again, but that was when I thought we'd have something to freeze. More decisions.

It looks like I'll stop the Menopur, Bravelle and Lupron Friday and trigger that afternoon. Retrieval is still scheduled for Sunday. We're set to do the transfer on the 12th, but that could change. We'll see.

Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work. Please let this work.

Repeat to self often.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


That's me.

So, I have no idea how many follicles I would have at this point in my cycle if it were unmedicated. I know when you start your cycle there are usually around 16 to start. As the days tick by though, those numbers dwindle and you would normally ovulate only one, maybe two, eggs.

I guess the doc is playing a numbers game. What he wants are good quality eggs. The more eggs he gets, the better the chances of getting a few that are of good quality. So, at the end of the day, I only really need one. But, here's where I start feeling guilty again because what I really want are 5. I want two to transfer and three to freeze just in case.

Enter Guilt.

I want twins. I want two babies. I do. I want them to transfer two and I want both of them. I am a greedy bitch and I feel like I am owed. I am. I do. I've had my babies taken from me and I feel like getting a package deal would help even things out. Is that so wrong of me?

I mean, with everything we've been through, I think it's only fair. I've been afraid to really say that out loud because what if the pregnancy Gods hear me and decide to punish me by giving me zero. I mean, I'll take what I can get, I don't want to be ungrateful, but seriously, I'm due. It's my turn.