Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


That's me.

So, I have no idea how many follicles I would have at this point in my cycle if it were unmedicated. I know when you start your cycle there are usually around 16 to start. As the days tick by though, those numbers dwindle and you would normally ovulate only one, maybe two, eggs.

I guess the doc is playing a numbers game. What he wants are good quality eggs. The more eggs he gets, the better the chances of getting a few that are of good quality. So, at the end of the day, I only really need one. But, here's where I start feeling guilty again because what I really want are 5. I want two to transfer and three to freeze just in case.

Enter Guilt.

I want twins. I want two babies. I do. I want them to transfer two and I want both of them. I am a greedy bitch and I feel like I am owed. I am. I do. I've had my babies taken from me and I feel like getting a package deal would help even things out. Is that so wrong of me?

I mean, with everything we've been through, I think it's only fair. I've been afraid to really say that out loud because what if the pregnancy Gods hear me and decide to punish me by giving me zero. I mean, I'll take what I can get, I don't want to be ungrateful, but seriously, I'm due. It's my turn.


  • At 12:16 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    That's not greedy as far as I'm concerned. I think you are absolutely entitled to whatever you ask for. It's about time the fertility gods or whoever answer for their previous crappy decisions.

  • At 12:18 PM , Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

    You aren't the only one who feels that way. I think that somewhere, our 'due' is stuck in an unclaimed savings account, a check lost in the mail.

  • At 12:36 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

    I agree... you deserve two. Don't feel guilty for wanting two. But know too that you'll move past that if you get one healthy one to take home. :)

  • At 6:06 PM , Blogger lauralu said...

    i'm with you. i think i deserve a pair, too. i think we all deserve to not have to go through another loss. if that's greedy, well, hey - we can all be greedy bitches together.

  • At 7:41 PM , Anonymous kati said...

    I don't think it's greedy at all to wish for twins. Who wouldn't understand your wish for a package deal?

  • At 10:27 PM , Blogger Jill said...

    I think if we are all honest that we all wish for twins at some point. It's like getting the new baby and one for the one(s) we lost. It also takes the pressure off ever having to ttc again because even if they are the only children you'll ever have with you, at least they will have a sibling without you enduring any more heartache. This whole thing is so bloody complicated and messed up. But you are not selfish, you just want some kids to love and raise.

  • At 5:12 AM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    Don't blame you at all...damnit it's about time that you got what you've been hoping for all this time.


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