Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Lorem, You're Right

Six is more than zero. Six IS better than zero.

I'm trying to improve my attitude. Six is better than zero.

I just keep coming back to my confusion over how I got here. I mean, I have been pregnant 4 times. 2 miscarriages, Gracie and then, Audrey. I don't understand how suddenly my problem is getting pregnant. How does that work. How did I go from being the most fertile person I knew to being the one in playgroup doing IVF?

Maybe my last post was a bit dramatic. Sure. It's just that for all the shots in the ass, the drives across town, the bloodlettings...all of it. All of that and I get six follicles. It is possible that more will develop and appear on Wednesday's ultrasound. I'm hopeful that will be the case. I really am.

My friends keep telling me to be positive and I just can't seem to muster it up. I'm so afraid to be let down. Afterall, I was positive that Audrey would be born alive and we would have her here with us now. But, we don't. She's dead. I'm afraid to be overly positive now for fear of getting let down again. How do I change that?

I used to be such an "up" person. Is that lost in me forever? I mean, what if the IVF doesn't work simply because I didn't have faith? Then, I'll be in a worse hole than I am now. How do I just keep picking myself up?


  • At 4:32 PM , Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

    Don't worry about being positive at this time. You can't be 'on' all the time, and besides, you've got the rest of us to be excited and optimistic for you. Take good care of yourself.

  • At 6:01 PM , Anonymous Meredith C said...

    Honey, I know how incredibly hard all of the emotions associated with IVF are and I can't begin to imagine adding the previous loss to that. But....well, the thing is that I can't help but think that those are six SUPER follicles. A normal unmedicated cycle might show 10, but they would not be harboring the products of all of that injecting, right? Gonadotropins are great for improving egg quality and producing fabulous, wonderful little eggies. So I'll keep on keeping it all crossed. Hugs

  • At 6:18 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    If all it took was believing, then you'd have both your girls with you alive and well. You can be just as doubtful and skeptical as you need to be to make it through this in one piece mentally and emotionally.

    As for why this happened. I know certain functions of my body changed with each of my pregnancies. Unfortunately, the reproductive function was one that took a hit too. Maybe that's the case for you as well?

    I still believe, if that counts for anything.

  • At 6:32 PM , Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

    Michelle, I'm sorry to bother you about this...

    How many follicles are you supposed to have during an unmedicated cycle? 'Cause when I saw the doctor before my operation earlier this month he saw two. I thought one was the norm!

    Let me know when you can... thebirdwhisperer

  • At 7:05 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I have never posted ot you, but found your link over at Kate's blog and have been following your journey to a second child.
    I, too, was a fertile mrytle, lost that one, wasn't even planned:(

    Then my hubby and I try; we are ready. I even bought an OPK kit; I was determined ot get the timing right, and I just KNEW I'd have success. I didn't. I ended up needing Clomid/IUI. I did get pregnant. My son is upstairs sleeping.

    I was determined ot have a second child, so when my son was only 9 months old, we went back to the RE. I figured it wouold only take one try like last time; it took more, way more. I ended up doing 2 clomid/iui's, 3 follistim/repronex/ iui's, one surgery(to check things out--shouldn't have bothered), and one IVF to get pregnant again. I am no longer a fertile mrytle and no one can tell me why. My point here is to tell you my RE almost cancelled my cycle due to a 'poor response', and I was on the highest dose possible! He said if in teh next two days I didn't keep the same number of follies or if I lost any, he would be cancelling my cycle. He also believed that this would be indicative of how future cycles would be, so best not to try again; we were paying cash for this---our insurance doesn't pay for infertility. Two days later I ended up with 6 more follies. My retrieval got 10 follies. Three were excellent. We decided to transfer on day three; I had none left to freeze so we couldn't afford to risk it to a day 5 transfer like I wanted. My doctor was stunned when I got pregnant,and even more so when the ultrasound showed twins! I ended up having a vanishing twin, but did deliver my second (final) child, a boy, 5 months ago. Don't believe that having too few of eggs will result in no pregnancy; mine did. (And I was a negative thinker prior). I don't think it matters.
    SO from a former fellow fertile mrytle to a now fellow in fertile(we still don't know why!), don't give up hope. It CAN happen; doctors only know so much, and they cannot truly predict who is and who is not, going to get pregnant. I learned that the hard way.
    Good luck to you!

  • At 3:09 AM , Blogger Jill said...

    Do what you have to to survive your circumstance. If it means you are not super chirpy then so be it. It also only takes one good egg and with all your meds I bet the ones you have are good'uns:)

    Just as an aside, I only had 2 (maybe 3) follicles on the cycle after my last m/c. The u/s tech seemed to think that was all good.

  • At 6:05 AM , Blogger KB said...

    You only need two, right??

    Lorem's definitely right. You don't have to be positive all the time - we'll do that for you.

    Now go eat some more Halloween candy. Therapy, y'know.

  • At 7:29 AM , Anonymous Anissa said...

    Even if it is six that is more then you will need. So I really feel like that is enough since you won't need them all. I have my fingers crossed for you.

  • At 10:09 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

    Hugs. Sorry things aren't going as you expected. Hopefully, the six will be super great ones and the number won't be a problem. You can do it... you can make it though this even though its not easy.

  • At 10:36 AM , Anonymous Michelle A said...

    I wish you weren't going through this right now. It sucks. I am so sorry and I am hoping that six is all ya need. ((hugs))


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