Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, January 30, 2006

I'm an ass and thanks for the suggestions

Why do I do such stupid things? I went looking at belly galleries today. Stupid, stupid. Why the hell do I care what a bunch of strangers bellies look like at xxx weeks of pregnancy? Seriously. Why do I do this to myself?

Lining was 9mm this morning. Already what it needs to be at 11 days from transfer date. Nothing more significant to report really.

Thank you for all the fabulous suggestions to rename my blog. I'm still not sure where to go with that.

Damn, I'm boring.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


I'm bored with the title of my blog. It's so...sad. I'm not really a sad person, so it really doesn't fit me. More pissed off than anything else. I'll have to ponder that and try for something more original... Hmmm... Suggestions? Maybe I'll have a contest. I could give away something... I have lots of things I'd like to get rid of. Sadly, I don't think anyone else would want them either. That sucks...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ahhh Therapy

Saw the therapist again today. Finally got to talk a little about my panic attacks where Gracie is concerned. The obvious answer is that I know losing a child is possible, so the thought of losing her is at the front of my mind and caused me to freak when I think she might be in danger. Even if the "danger" is totally manufactured in my mind.

Ms. P seems to think though that they are because I blame myself for Audrey's death and I am being hyper-vigilant so that I am not responsible for the death of my other child.


So, we talked about ways to be more rational. How to distinguish the rational thoughts from the irrational ones. I'll have to test her theory tonight at swim class while I sit in the stands trying to control my breathing because she's in the water without me. Never mind that there are literally 6 life guards watching 10 kids. See, rational vs. irrational... I can learn!

My problem is that I know the logical answer. I know that it's irrational of me to freak. I do. It's just so hard to stop.

Why is it that she can ask questions that I've answered before and yet my answers are so emotional when she asks? I mean, she started out with the rational/irrational thing and Gracie in the pool. Then she asked what's the worst that could happen? My answer was that she could drown. Then she asked what that would mean to me. I didn't answer her so she said "Would it make you a bad mother?" I said yes. She said, how responsible do you feel for Audrey's death, I said 80%. She was really shocked by that.

I don't really understand why that surprised her. I mean, I know that I didn't choose for my daughter to die. I know that I didn't make a choice that meant she would die. But, the fact is that my body caused it. My body caused the blood clots that shut down her source of nourishment. How could I not have some blame?

And now that I've said that, I don't really even know why I feel the need to place blame. That seems very stupid. I've told so many other women that there is no where to place blame. We have done nothing to cause our children to die. So why is it so hard to believe? And why the hell do I do it at all?

Monday, January 23, 2006


We are staying on track with the FET. Partly because I just don't think I'm ready to try another fresh cycle. I want to give Ali a shot and I hope my gut is right that he's our guy. I hope, I hope, I hope.

If it's a fluke that there are all these eggs this month, then so be it. If the FET fails, then we might try a few natural cycles while we re-evaulate our program.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Is this a test?

The fertility/pregnancy Gods are testing me. We had the baseline today and to our surprise, we found 20 (that's right, TWO-OH) immature follicles. That is more than twice what I had with the IVF cycle. WTF!!?? We have been given a choice. Continue with the FET and ignore the fact that my body is playing games with my head. Or, begin stims for a fresh IVF cycle.

Now, I've said before that I've wondered from the beginning if Ali was our guy. And I still do. I still really feel like he might be the one we were meant to have. But, do we look a gift horse in the mouth and pass up all these eggs? I mean, we could and we could have Ali and it would never matter. Or, we could use Ali, it might not work and then we have to do a fresh cycle because we've used our back-up. OOORRR, we could do a fresh cycle, have a bunch more (or none) to freeze and then still have Ali. I could go on.

We have to decide right away. I'd have to start stims tomorrow if that's the deal.

My heart says no. My head says be safe, you don't know how many chances you have. I mean, is it really possible that after all this time, my body has remembered what it is supposed to do every month? Why the vacation. The RE said from the beginning that stress had no bearing on whether you ovulate or how many eggs you produce. I don't know if I believe him I mean, this is the forst time in months that I don't feel the stress and pressure associated with trying to conceive. I was just prepared to toss out a line and hoped that we'd be able to bring Ali back with us.

My heart wants to keep on as if we had no idea how many eggs were in there. My heart says that Ali is our guy. Is that the right thing to do?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

On the road again

Well, it begins. Stopped the BCP last night & start estrogen on the 23rd. We do the baseline on the 22nd. I got the big box 'o drugs today. Sheesh. That is always so daunting to open and go through. Progesterone? Check? Estrogen? Check. Giant syringes? Check. Ack.

Man. I wish I wasn't doing this. I mean, I'm glad for the opportunity, and super excited about the possibilities, but hell. If I had my Audrey, well, I wouldn't have to do it. Damn.

Gracie went to her first swim lesson last night. They moved her up a level to the group that doesn't need mom or dad in the water with them. WAAAAAA! My baby doesn't need me. I'm proud, but it was kind of fun doing it with her. I'll just sit on the bleachers and sniffle... There's a little girl about Audrey's age. Damn, she's cute.

There is no escape.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Saw Dr. BM again today. Went over the IVF cycle and the associated details. What happened, what went right, what went wrong...why. And, what's next.

So, I guess the ectopic thing happens 1% of the time. I thought if it happened once, your risk was much higher of having another. Not as bad as I thought. Our risk is about 15%. Not bad. Better than 50%. I guess to stim the ovaries into producing so many eggs, they overload you with estrogen. In some people that means an irritable uterus. It can cause the embryo to get up into the Fallopian tubes and then not get back out. The risk of an ectopic in a frozen transfer is much, much less because you're not dealing with such high levels of estrogen. In fact, the rate of pregnancy for our clinic is higher (and the rate of miscarriage is lower) with FET than it is with a fresh cycle. AND, they've never (knock on wood) had an ectopic with a FET cycle. They think because the body is so full of other crap, that it sometimes just can't deal with a pregnancy on top of it.

That's the way I understood it all anyway.

I finally asked about the endo he found when the tumah was removed. He said it was pretty severe. All over my uterus, tubes and ovaries. It's also started to get onto my intestines. That right there made me feel like less of a freak. I don't have a ton of trouble with periods, but let me just tell you about trying to get your intestines moving when they are all adhesed to other parts. Not cool. At least that is not explained.

We decided to do the FET right away. Approximate transfer date is February 7. We've started calling our last little embryo "Ali". He's our little fighter (thanks Kenna!). I'm very hopeful that he'll fight his way through and be with us in September.

Anyone know where I can buy a little bit of will power?


I've got about 30 pounds I'd like to say goodbye to, but I have no will power. I need to get off my ass and exercise, but I can't make myself find the time to do it. I don't eat a lot. I'm not a snacker. My food choices probably aren't fabulous, but exercise would go a long way to helping the problem.

Any ideas? I am seriously looking for suggestions.

Here we go again;_ylt=AixEZRMbaOtIhmZMXOBsnSms0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3YXYwNDRrBHNlYwM3NjI-

Why can I not go just a few days without this shit being splashed all over hell's half-acre? Really. It's just a big cosmic joke.

And the joke's on me.

I won't call her a whore because I like her. I think she's a decent person. But damn! Cut me some slack people!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


That ache for a baby is so strong today. I want to skip all the way to the part where we meet for the first time. Those first few stares and looks while we are still at the hospital. That intense feeling of love and raw emotion. Those first few know, the really nasty ones!

I want to know that again so very badly.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


Why is it not 5:00 yet? I have done exactly jack crap today at work. I think I read the whole internet. There is no news that I didn't read. I even watched them implode an old casino today. I have been to your blogs so many times today that if you can see it, you probably think I'm stalking you.

Save me from myself. Save you from myself.


Tuesday, January 10, 2006


A lot of you have sent notes asking to make sure you know where I go. For now, I'm here. I don't plan to move. Just trying to insulate myself a little more. Maybe that's not so good. I dunno.

Saw the therapist. Not really an exciting visit. I liked her well enough I guess. She wants me to start a journal. This one's not good enough. She said it should be written by hand. Whatever. I do better here, but I may try it just to see if she's right. Wouldn't that be a bugger...

She asked if I'd ever thought about medication. Duh. I have. The last 3 weeks of the year were awful. I needed it then. I don't feel so bad right now. I'm not really sure why, but I feel a little more even the last week or so. I'm just going to try status quo for now and see how we do. I see my regular OB/Gyn next week. We'll see what she thinks. She knows where I've been better than the other doctors.

So, the RE started me on the BCP yesterday pending a decision Friday on our direction. I'm pretty sure we'll do the FET ASAP. After that, I have no idea...

Monday, January 09, 2006


My mind is all over the board today. Sorry if this entry is jumbled. I'll try to sort all of this out in some sensible manner.

We saw Dr. BM today. Nothing exciting. We see him Thursday for the final follow up of the IVF cycle. If we want to do the FET this cycle he said we can. He said we could do a fresh cycle if we wanted to and then add the frozen one to whatever we get, but I'm just not ready to do all that again. We'll see what's next on Thursday. I think we'll do the FET and see what happens. If that doesn't work, we'll reassess and go from there.

My blood pressure was high. Never had that happen before. I am feeling a little stressed today. Work is a mess. I have this one project that just cannot seem to get done. My boss is not happy about it and frankly, neither am I. It's a job that started the week I lost Audrey and I feel a little like if I could put it behind me then I could close that chapter of my life and move on. I know that sounds strange, but dealing with that project makes me deal with a time in my life that I wish I could just take a step back from.

I start with the therapist tomorrow morning. I am very excited and feel a little like I don't know where to start with her. I have so many things in my brain that I want to deal with that I just really don't know where to begin. I know she'll want to deal with Audrey first. That's what she's been told I'm there for. Am I the only one who's been to a therapist for one thing and end up bringing a whole suitcase? Probably not. I hope she'll know how to sort it all out.

Anyone know how to password protect a blog? Vix, did you move yours to typepad because blogger doesn't have that feature? I feel a little like I have given the address of this site to some people I shouldn't have and I now have to sensor some of my thoughts. I would rather move sites that do that...

Thursday, January 05, 2006

To Begin Anew

It's official. HcG level today was (is) zero. I see Dr. BM on Monday for my exit eval on the study and to find out what's next and where we go from here. The thaw rates at my clinc are better than 90%, so I guess that means our little fighter has a good shot at being brought back. Our issue is that the chance of pregnancy on one embryo is only like 60%. I guess that's better than nothing.

Is it, or isn't it?

I've been trying to figure out if I feel like the whole IVF thing was successful or not. I mean, is the goal to get pregnant or is it to have a baby? As I have had to tell people what happened, I've had many who said things like, "Well, at least you got pregnant". Is that the silver lining? Is it supposed to make me happy?


Most of the time I wanted to yell at those people. I should be happy that I got pregnant and forget about that sadness that pregnancy caused? Really? I just can't seem to make myself feel that way. I mean, I think I would feel better if it just hadn't worked. Now I have to deal with more grief. More sadness. More loss. I don't need any more of those things. All full up over here.

So how do I feel about it? Did the IVF work just because I did get pregnant? Does that make it successful? I really don't think so. Successful to me is bringing home a live baby. That's success.

Hell, haven't these people figured out yet that getting pregnant does not automatically equal bring home a live baby? I guess the fact is that they probably never will.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Stolen from Catherine

Your New Year's Resolutions
1) Get a pet hairless cat
2) Eat more gummy bears
3) Travel to Brazil
4) Study human sexuality
5) Get in shape with dodgeball
What Should Your New Year's Resoluton Be?

Sunday, January 01, 2006

My Anthem for 2006

Better Days
The Goo Goo Dolls

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days
Cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things
Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I need someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And that’s faith and trust and peace while we’re alive
And the one poor child who saved this world
And there’s ten million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just the chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

Funny Kid Story

In and effort to keep my resolution about being positive, I thought this one needed to be recorded for posterity.

Yesterday we took Gracie to see Narnia (it was great, by the way). In the last few days she's been all about watching Toy Story. She watched it three times just on the drive home from Colorado. As we left the theater, there was a little boy with the Woody charachter doll. Gracie was so excited, and in her best (and loudest) voice, she exclaimed...


There were plenty of stares, but thankfully, more laughing. In fact, it still makes me giggle.

Happy New Year.