Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Is it, or isn't it?

I've been trying to figure out if I feel like the whole IVF thing was successful or not. I mean, is the goal to get pregnant or is it to have a baby? As I have had to tell people what happened, I've had many who said things like, "Well, at least you got pregnant". Is that the silver lining? Is it supposed to make me happy?


Most of the time I wanted to yell at those people. I should be happy that I got pregnant and forget about that sadness that pregnancy caused? Really? I just can't seem to make myself feel that way. I mean, I think I would feel better if it just hadn't worked. Now I have to deal with more grief. More sadness. More loss. I don't need any more of those things. All full up over here.

So how do I feel about it? Did the IVF work just because I did get pregnant? Does that make it successful? I really don't think so. Successful to me is bringing home a live baby. That's success.

Hell, haven't these people figured out yet that getting pregnant does not automatically equal bring home a live baby? I guess the fact is that they probably never will.


  • At 2:54 PM , Blogger Kathy McC said...

    No, they probably will never figure that out. Because those are the folks who haven't experienced the pain of loss.

    I used to get so angry when people would feed me the "at least you get pregnant so easy" line. It ain't so great when you can't STAY pregnant. And then when I got pregnant with Kam, they would all say, "well that should make you feel better about things". Like Kameron was my replacement baby, and he'd make all the hurt go away. The bottom line is that they just don't get it.


  • At 3:39 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    People who have never gone through a m/c and infertility do not understand that. My first RE actually said to me the following when it looked like I was, and I did, m/c: "Well, at least we know we can GET you pregnant." HUH? He was talking like I wasn't even STILL PREGNANT!!!

    I, like you,believe that success is bringing home a live baby, and luckily the RE who helped to bring me both of my boys, also agreed. They even called me a week after my due date with Ryan, my IVF baby, to make sure everything went well and that I did indeed give birth to a live little guy. They also need to report those things.

    I would call your IVF a paartial success in that you got pregnant, but since you ended up m/c, it wasn't a total success. Trying again is going to be a painful decision to make. Go with your gut on this one.

    Glad your hcg is 0!

  • At 3:58 PM , Blogger Lorem ipsum said...

    People who say 'At least you can get pregnant' are people who have never thought that their pregnancies couldn't or wouldn't end with a healthy, living baby in nine months. I put them below people who like to go to funerals and say 'He's in a better place now, so don't cry.'

  • At 4:27 AM , Blogger Jill said...

    Hmmm, as if you go to all the trouble and expense of IVF just to be pregnant and NOT have a baby?? Like it's the journey, not the destination?

    How the hell do you make people like that understand? It's way too much to ask to put ourselves on the line by explaining just how much it DOES hurt when you aren't guaranteed that they will change their opinions.

    I think partial success is a good way to describe your cycle. I'm sure if/when you go back they will take your m/c into account when they work out drugs and dosages and it certainly won't be a matter of 'at least you can get pregnant' for the people who matter.

  • At 5:12 AM , Anonymous Anissa said...

    I don’t think people who have not been where we have will ever understand. As you well know I have not problem getting pregnant. So that was always something people would bring up to me. They would say “Well look at least you get pregnant easy”. My response to them would be “well then I guess that should make it all better hun”. They never understood the even though I got pregnant so easy that I still wanted to bring home the baby. That was just too much for them to understand.

  • At 7:47 AM , Blogger kate said...

    Oh, that is really an ignorant comment, i am so sorry. I know they are just trying to be helpful but what a stupid thing to say -- totally discounting the pain of your loss. It would be nice to be so ignorant.

  • At 9:06 AM , Anonymous kati said...

    please, don't get my comment wrong. To put it in context: I am suffering from secondary infertility. I got pregnant once despite aggressive endometriosis and was thankfully able to carry my baby to term. That, however, doesn't mean I wasn't scared from almost day 1 to lose my baby (and still are). My daughter's birth was traumatic to my body, causing a uterine rupture and left me with lots of uterine scar tissue. This scar tissue now contributes to my problems getting pregnant again (well that, and my endometriomas).

    Because i have not suffered any pregnancy losses, I am not able to fully comprehend the particular spectrum of pain that many of you had to go through, sometimes over and over again. From the perspective of someone who (now) has great difficulty to get pregnant (not even knowing about the staying pregnant part): if you can't get pregnant at all (and don't know whether it will ever work again -> scar tissue), even getting pregnant seems like a milestone.

    I'm incredibly sorry that you again have to suffer so much loss. I wouldn't call the IVF a success either. How could I? But I don't think a negative pregnancy test would have been easy either. I really don't (at least not now. I am about to start my first IVF cycle, who knows, I may feel different afterwards).

    Again, I'm sorry if I caused any more pain to anyone, particularly you.

  • At 10:18 AM , Blogger MB said...


    My entry was in now way shape or form directed at you. In fact, I have forgotten if anyone posted here in that manner. No worries. And, I didn't mean to make you feel bad.


  • At 2:11 PM , Anonymous kati said...

    oh, Michelle, I didn't at all think your entry was directed at me (now I feel bad for making you think that!) :) I really don't know anymore why I even felt it was necessary to give so much background of my own struggle. I should have my own blog for that :)

    thanks for your reassuring words!


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