Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

So, my mom & dad are moving to Malaysia. Dad got a big promotion and will be working on a project there for 5 years. Bittersweet for all of us. It's a BIG promotion which means more money. They ill live in a company compound there and will have no living expenses, they are all covered by the company. Puts them in a really good position for retirement, but means that all vacations for the next few years will be there. I guess there are worse places in the world. He was up for one job that was in (I kid you not) Siberia. Ack.

I decided to skip the pregnant therapist. There is a woman she recommended in the same practice. I'll start out seeing her instead. I'm excited. Really. Seems strange to be excited, but I just have all of these things I feel like I want to talk about and try to understand. I need someone to tell me I'm normal and what I've got going on doesn't make me crazy. I have wondered recently if maybe I'm depressed. It seems unlikely, but I find myself being angry a lot. Not sad so much, although that is there too. I just wonder if depression can take different forms. I certainly don't find the happy times like I used to. I just don't feel like a really happy person anymore. The happy times I do find are very forced and unnatural. I can't really explain it, but I just don't feel alive like I used to.

Maybe I just need an outlet. I do use this blog, but I don't really get into things the way I should. Not with friends or my husband. It just doesn't feel comfortable. I know I should be able to, but I've always felt like I would be burdening someone else with my shit by talking with them, so the best I can make myself do are bits and pieces here and there. I just don't seem to get anything resolved. My unhappiness makes my husband unhappy and then I get cranky and then he gets cranky... You see where this is going? Yeah, nowhere.

I watched the thing on Dateline last night about that 57 year old woman who had the twins. It was like watching a train wreck. It alternately excited me and made me want to puke. She kept saying that you had to rid yourself of the negativity and let go of any preconceived notions before you could make progress. Duh. I knew that. I know that. It was sort of a smack in the face.

So, 2006 is a new year. A better year.

Oh, for the finale in 2005...we got rear ended again. Thankfully Jim was driving AND the woman has insurance. 5 rear-ends in one year. That has to be some sort of record, right?


  • At 1:52 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I think 5 rear-ends in one year IS a record, and not the kind you want to make. UGH! When it rains it pours, doesn't it?

    I am so glad that you have decided to see a therapist. You are not weird by being excited about it, either. I felt the same way in the beginning. You can say whatever you want, and not have to worry about someone becoming angry with you or hurting someone's feelings. It has been helpful for me. It took some time, and I am not a patient person, but it has benefited me greatly. My husband is very happy that I go, too.

    I don't know if you're depressed; your therapist should be able to give you her opinion, however I do know that depression takes different forms. Marie Claire magazine actually featured some common ones in their December issue. My depression is marked by symptoms other than sadness. That's there, but irritablility is a BIG one. When I find myslef getting snarky over nothing, I know I better watch it; I know what's happening. I do get angry; I had a fantasy last night about throwing a glass against the wall to let all the frustration out. This is a bad time of the year for me. So you may be depressed; you don't have to be only sad to be depressed. Maybe talk therapy will really help in that area. Course, maybe what you're experiencing is a normal part of the grieving process.

    I sure hope that 2006 is a better year for you. You have been through so much, too much, and you deserve a break!

    Oh, my hubby travels a lot to Malaysia and says it's beautiful. Hot and humid, but beautiful. I bet you'll have lots of fun vacations there!

  • At 5:49 PM , Blogger the ockers said...

    YES, Malaysia has some beautiful resorts and you know what, it's a common stop over for flights to Australia and New Zealand or say Japan and China. You can always combine a holiday in Malaysia with some time in Oceania or South East Asia. It'll be fun and a bit differnent and yes formerteacher hot and humid. Oh and for the record, I'd got to Siberia/Russia any day for a holiday. I love snow and cold weather.

  • At 6:36 PM , Blogger MidlifeMutant said...

    Depression and anger are most certainly related. Everyone reacts in a different way. I wish you peace.. been there. It hurts.

  • At 6:54 AM , Blogger Catherine said...

    I'm going to stay away from amateur diagnosis because I find so many of my own feelings in yours...and I just can't imagine myself "getting help." I know that's not healthy, but it's the best I can do right now. I hope the therapy provides what you hope it will.

    Malaysia IS better than Siberia. Will you be able to visit at all?

  • At 12:10 PM , Anonymous kati said...

    My husband is also glad, I'm seeing a therapist (and at least my RE thinks I'm doing better :)). From what I have been told, sadness can have different expressions. Anger is supposedly one of them. And at least I find it VERY normal that you feel angry (for what that's worth).

    to a much happier 2006!

  • At 12:11 PM , Anonymous kati said...

    ...oh and Malaysia sound delightful!

  • At 6:29 AM , Blogger KB said...

    While I personally do not think everything you are dealing with makes you crazy (quite the opposite), I can not say you are normal. :) *I* am not, so you can't be either.

    Do they have cabana boys in Malaysia? Can I come?

    And I think the therapist is going to be wonderful for you. I'm GLAD you are excited about going!! I'm excited for you too!!

    Come to OK for New Year's. I'll help ya kick 2005 in the ass on its way out the door.


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