Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ahhh Therapy

Saw the therapist again today. Finally got to talk a little about my panic attacks where Gracie is concerned. The obvious answer is that I know losing a child is possible, so the thought of losing her is at the front of my mind and caused me to freak when I think she might be in danger. Even if the "danger" is totally manufactured in my mind.

Ms. P seems to think though that they are because I blame myself for Audrey's death and I am being hyper-vigilant so that I am not responsible for the death of my other child.


So, we talked about ways to be more rational. How to distinguish the rational thoughts from the irrational ones. I'll have to test her theory tonight at swim class while I sit in the stands trying to control my breathing because she's in the water without me. Never mind that there are literally 6 life guards watching 10 kids. See, rational vs. irrational... I can learn!

My problem is that I know the logical answer. I know that it's irrational of me to freak. I do. It's just so hard to stop.

Why is it that she can ask questions that I've answered before and yet my answers are so emotional when she asks? I mean, she started out with the rational/irrational thing and Gracie in the pool. Then she asked what's the worst that could happen? My answer was that she could drown. Then she asked what that would mean to me. I didn't answer her so she said "Would it make you a bad mother?" I said yes. She said, how responsible do you feel for Audrey's death, I said 80%. She was really shocked by that.

I don't really understand why that surprised her. I mean, I know that I didn't choose for my daughter to die. I know that I didn't make a choice that meant she would die. But, the fact is that my body caused it. My body caused the blood clots that shut down her source of nourishment. How could I not have some blame?

And now that I've said that, I don't really even know why I feel the need to place blame. That seems very stupid. I've told so many other women that there is no where to place blame. We have done nothing to cause our children to die. So why is it so hard to believe? And why the hell do I do it at all?


  • At 3:28 PM , Blogger Catherine said...

    Well all I can say is...welcome to my world. There are so many "right" things to say to someone who has lost a baby. I've heard them all. And I, quite honestly, don't believe half of them as they apply to me. It was MY body that failed. My body is me. I can't separate them into two distinct entities. They are all part and parcel of ME. So that means I am partly responsible.

    I get you. I'm not sure if that helps you or not. But I get where you are coming from.

    For me, the issue is control (how poetic that I chose my blog title as I did). I freak about things I can't control. I don't handle the unexpected well...for obvious reasons now.

    I wish I had some magic answer. But I'm pitifully lost in the same maze of emotions you are. The only thing I can hope for is to listen to the other voices around me (yours and others) to keep me from losing my mind while I figure a way out to a better emotional place. I hope you're able to hang in there too.

  • At 3:38 PM , Anonymous rach said...

    with my OCD the docs always say the reason I obsess over certain things is because of my responsibility over something bad happening...or my percieved responsibility of something bad happening, if i don't follow through on a compulsion (washing hands, checking the light switch, etc...)

    interesting, really interesting.

  • At 4:19 PM , Blogger KB said...

    I think I like your therapist.

  • At 7:37 AM , Blogger kate said...

    As mothers i think we expect to be able to protect our children from the bad stuff out there, and when we are not able to do that, we DO feel that it is a failure. And certainly to not be able to protect our children from death is the ultimate failure. And when death happens in our body, in our womb -- the one place which is 'supposed' to be 'safe' -- well, there it is.

    Logically, we know we are not to blame. Emotionally, we blame ourselves, and the guilt is enormous.

    The thing which helped me a bit with the guilt is the recognition that if i had known something was wrong, i would have done ANYTHING to help Nicolas. This is true for all of us. If you keep your eye and your heart on that fact, maybe it will help.

  • At 2:56 PM , Blogger formerteacher said...

    I'm so glad you liked your therapist, and that she has brought up some really good points. It's tough work, but therapy can really help!


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