Discovering Me

Me on having babies, losing babies, trying to have babies and hoping to bring this one home.

Friday, September 04, 2009

The Other Side

I mentioned before (I think) that a friend down the street lost a baby girl in January. They have had many miscarriages and they keep hoping for a baby to bring home. She and I discovered our pregnancies at the same time. We have both been cautiously optimistic.

Yesterday she was admitted to the local hospital dialated to 2-3. She had been bleeding and her amniotic sac was bulging. An ultrasound yesterday revealed this baby to be a boy. Last night they thought they had it under control, but this morning she is bleeding heavily and contracting. Things are very grim.

I don't know what to do. As I've thought about being the pregnant one left to face the friend who is likely to lose her baby, I don't know what to do. I wonder what I can do to help. I kept their older daughter last night so that her husband could be at the hospital with her. I have told them to tell me what I can do going forward.

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking for them. I feel like I am a horrible reminder of what is not going right for them. You would think that I could draw on my own experience and know what to do. I do not.

When we discovered we were pregnant and doing this together, I could only think how horrible it would be for one of us to have it end badly. We did not plan this baby and I have often thought what the hell am I doing and how am I going to manage my life now. And yet, here is my friend, losing a baby that they have so wanted. Already having had the horrible experiences that some of us know all to well, and I am at a total loss.

I want to hide. I just don't know what to do. I am scared.

Edited to add:

She has started bleeding and contracting heavily. Her amniotic sac has broken. An epidural is on its way. It's over. She's 19 weeks, 3 days. Another teeny casket. I hate this.

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